Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
Nothing scares us more than the erratic pattern of our crossdressing lives; sometimes forced by situations such as vacations or extended guests staying at the house, or even the Pandemic. The most worrisome is the break that happens when I can but don’t dress, even more so than the extended dressing when I really start to believe that transition is the next logical step.
Such is the life of being more than just a crossdresser. If I’m being truthful, I think we all are, but we don’t want to wear the label. I don’t mean this as an affront to those who strongly state their heterosexual maleness with a passion for dressing in women’s garbs as more of a fetish. My comments hereon in hopefully speak to those of you who question your place on the ever-evolving gender scale.
I’m going to skip the science lecture on genetics and DNA. Let’s just talk about it in a commonsense way. We are equally (other than our male Y chromosome) parts of our mother and father. That small Y puts us on the path toward being male, but it doesn’t preclude us from inheriting traits from our mothers. My point is that when you take away only the “sex” component, we are a product of the historical evolution of men and women. It has produced all humanity and its versions, forever being blended together as the purity of containment disperses worldwide. There are still pockets where iconic traits still hold, but for how much longer? We are by nature an ongoing mutation toward…
Our deviancy isn’t genetic, it's social, religious, and construed by those who wish to suppress it. Who we love, how we look, the color of our eyes, our health, etc. are all products of inherited traits. Having or not having the Y chromosome in the simplified meaning enforces determined sexual characteristics. It doesn’t wire our brains to align with as much as we might believe. That is what culture, society, and religion do plus all the other genetic input. I can’t speak to this, as I am not on HRT, but the effect of testosterone and estrogen balance clearly alters perceptions. Do I have the desire to be feminine because I’m naturally inclined with more estrogen? If they shot me full of testosterone, would I cease in my desire to dress? This is the battle raging in the political arena. Their major determination for being male or female is the presence of the Y chromosome and the produced or lack of physical traits. Common sense should abound, but it rarely does. We know better.
Open mind or closed mind? No middle ground? The world is this or that, with me or against me! The truth is that certainty is the minority, and the grey area is the majority, as it is in most things. Otherwise, we’d never have fuzzy math or the invention of new words. Science adapts, so why doesn’t culture? It does, but only when dragged out of the dark ages by the masses who overthrow the established order. Our history (worldwide) has been shaped by war and counterwars, similar to what we find going on today.
So where has my woman gone? Nowhere! She ebbs and flows with the moments and the expectations of what is needed. When I go a few days and haven’t dressed, I guarantee that I’ve thought about it, wanted to, and sometimes said, “Nah, not today.” If that turns into a week or a month, is it significant? Is something changing and I need to reassess? That’s where the anxiety of being who I am likes to rear is ugly head (the voices of doubt and society trying to sway the grey.) The last three weeks have been one of limited (for me not on vacation) dressing patterns. When looking at it backward with thought, it isn’t what I might have tried to make it out to be; a changing attitude toward myself and what I think I am. No, it was really nothing at all. Like many of you, my femininity loves to be expressed by long nails, hair, heels, dresses, the full experience. I get by most days or the rest of my day by the simple pleasure of wearing “typical” women’s underwear (cotton even and plain colored). I had an estate sale to get ready for, outside yard work that needed to be done, household cleaning projects, several consecutive days of events to attend, a get-together with my daughter and her family, and dealing with a major bout of poison ivy. None of those things screamed, “Put on my dress and heels,” let alone artificial long nails and makeup. If I’d transitioned and had my own long hair and nails, I’d be mad because of the damage done to them, and I most assuredly wouldn’t have had my makeup on while weed-whacking (catching my usual case of poison ivy) or digging up the garden.
I am allowed to feel as I feel for the situation that I am in. It isn’t and doesn’t need to be black or white or pertaining to be male or female. If I were on the female side, I’d put on my garden gloves, tie my hair back in a ponytail, throw on my grubby clothes, and go to work. Is that male-oriented? See… society and culture thoughts getting in the way. We do it to ourselves; this is what I think is female and what is male; why? Because I’m always looking for justification. Being a blend of male and female isn’t bad, it’s actually pretty basic within all of us. We place too much emphasis on the outliers, the things we see as pertinent points, such as that which only a male or female has or would do. Not long ago women couldn’t vote and only men could be members at Agusta National Golf Course. Perceptions change, albeit very slowly, but change is inevitable. With inevitability, there is also hope. With hope there is the possibility of attainment.
I had to fill out a few questionnaires recently. One, I still marked male, the other I bravely used one of the other descriptive categories-non gender conforming. I’ve noticed an increased selection option with many requests instead of just Male, Female, other, or prefer not to say. That’s a positive step. I type this in my usual Brina dressing style sans makeup and nails. Later today, it’s painting outside in my full male on, but Brina will be smiling inside, even smirking because someday she might actually be doing something similar while having her (or wig) hair in a ponytail… not that it matters because who we are is more than just a Y chromosome or lack of.
Until next time, be happy in the moments you find peace and breathe deeply when you feel the anxiety rising. You got this!
This article reminded me that most of life’s activities are gender neutral, whether weed whacking, cleaning the house or dealing with financial affairs. And poison ivy knows no gender.
I still live my life divided between male and female presentations. Some days are more difficult than others, but once absorbed by a task, I forget the discomfort of male clothing, focused on whatever.
Over the past decade or so, I have been gradually expanding the overtly transwoman portion of my life with small but noteworthing things, like checking the “other” or “transgender” box, and larger steps, like coming out to some friends and colleagues. Its still a balancing act, but the fulcrum has been moved a bit.
Wouldn't the world be great if we could meet in the middle more often? I feel as if this has become the biggest change in rhetoric today, the going back to standing ground and not willing to listen. So sad. I agree, doing the little things and allowing way for the bigger. Thanks for the comments!
You’re so right. The term ‘compromise’ seems to be considered a failure and speak of ‘uncompromising’ as a strength. But its not. Whether a nation, community or individual, life can never be perfect, and absolute positions simply divide and provoke.
I make occassional compromises between the woman I prefer to be and the person expected by some important aspects of my life. Its not perfect, but neither would my be perfect if I insisted that everything be the way I might prefer.
Great article, Brina!
Great article Sabrina it definitely speaks to me. I only wish I would still be around to see the day when society evolves enough to let people be themselves and not feel threatened.
Thanks
AnnaBeth
Thank you! I agree. The needle was moving that way and then the last couple of years happened. I hope it's a two-step forward and only 1 step back with more forward yet to come.
When I cam out of hospital 4 or 5 moths ago, I decided that Cerys was not going to hide anymore. I told everyone (A fair few knew already), and changed my Facebook profile and banner pics to those of Cerys. The reaction if friends and family was amazing! I lived as Cerys for 5 weeks. Everything I need to do was done as Cerys. This included visits to my GP, back to hospital for check ups, taking the car for it's MOT, everything. I was Cerys. I started to think that maybe I was actually transgender. Living as Cerys was easy, and it felt right. The only annoyance was having to shave constantly. One day, I woke up and headed to the shower. I showered, put on my underwear (I haven't owned male underwear for over ten years), and look in the mirror to shave and thought nope, not today. I went back into my bedroom and dressed in man mode. It was a few days before Cerys came out, and then it was only for a morning. When we went out, I changed back into man mode.
A few times since, I either couldn't be bothered, or I only dressed as Cerys for part of the day. Today has been man mode all day. Yesterday and the day before were Cerys days.
This is how I know that i'm a crossdresser and not trans. Some days I'm happy to be me.
Cerys
Speaking to my points, thanks. I was hoping to convey that I wonder if the labels are more the issue today and the stigma that others put to them. Do I have to check the boxes, and to what purpose does it help others? I am me, and that person is sometimes very deep in pink and at other times feels as if running from it. How about, I like pretty things, and easily cry at happy moments. I shouldn't have to be female to say so or degraded if I wear them. Culture needs to stop imposing definitions and boundaries and start enabling individuals over groups. Thank you for commenting! 🙂
It is of course that biology and society dictates the 'norms'. Biology, despite what may be opined, is irrefutable chromosomes dictate woman or man. One has the ability to seed and the other to develop the seed and give birth being able to suckle a newborn. The roles have been enshrined into behaviour and dress by society and culture. These roles in our more enlightened society have changed and that women do the jobs usually associated with men and vice versa as there are also stay at home dads bringing up the children. This is evolution as society moves forward but the fundamental biology is the same.
Some of us are living in a more enlightened world of the rainbow spectrum which includes many identities. To me this is about an expression of identity which doesn't relate to sexuality or gender identity but being the person you want to be and have no fear in being that person. It could be lifestyle choice, fashion and individuality personal to you.
The soul searching that goes on to decide if you are a crossdresser, trans or any other identity is again formed by society as it evolves we strive for a label.
Does your expression of femininity and want mean you are trans? Is a hormonal balance in which your testosterone is low have a part? After fertilisation did some thing happen to give a more feminine vibe to your body? Did upbringing play a role or some trauma as a child or the mish mash of generations in the DNA. Many many questions that one can only theorise as to the answer.
Men can be effeminate and have feminine traits as women can have the opposite but it is society that makes an inference that they should conform to a label while the fact is that they are quite comfortable with life as it is having no need to change title or re identify. Is that not where you are Brina? If you were able to be accepted as the person you are by family, friends and society without a label and not be afraid to to do so would this be the perfect scenario? It would be less complicated wouldn't it and ease this stress of identification and conforming to a label.
You appear to have the desire to be Brina all the time but perhaps society and personal circumstances are in the way but are you trans or is this your true lifestyle choice by encompassing the feminine style.
I tick all the boxes for being trans even without the surgery having strong female traits and the need to dress and appear as a woman. I am so fortunate to be able to live my life as a woman although biologically will never be one in that sense. I would like breasts and GRS surgery but it isn't an essential but still options. I work, socialise and go about my day and be seen and accepted as a woman. If any one asks, and very rarely do will say that this is how I am and it is for them to make their own judgement. I have kept it simple, this is me.
So is yours a lifestyle you wish to adopt full time or do you really feel deep down you are and want to be a woman? Either way be happy with what you do and as I have said before live the dream and take it to the next level as time might be against you.
Hugs
Angela
There is much in there, Angela! Thank you for your comments. I tend to write to what hits me at the moment, sometimes with great thought and at other times in an introspective way. I try to use what I'm thinking, add to it and hopefully offer some help to others who may also be wondering. The only answer to what to do is that I don't know and that searching or needing some conclusive answer isn't likely. I believe that is the home point that I try to make most often, that it is very much okay to not know and instead try to live my own (your own) best life within the circumstances you face.
As for biology, it is what is currently possible, but mutation throughout evolution shows that it isn't stagnant but adapting, not just in humans but in all areas. The questions you ask would have different responses from me on any given day, which is my personal dilemma, and one that I believe many others share. I have no certainty and I may never reach a point where I do. So... how to live happily is what I (and most others who feel similar) search for. We are a quandary to ourselves and more so to the world around us. When I have my certainty, you can bet I'll stand in the appropriate line and move forward. It's that in others I wish I could emulate, their perseverance to be who they know they should or at least become the best possible version of that. That's what I try to do as I continue to figure out this person who is???
Thanks, for the insightful comments 🙂
I love this article Sabrina. I am going through a time when I will not be able to dress till the end of the year. I do think about my feminine side and look forward to expressing this side of who I am. I feel I am much more then a crossdresser. I feel a strong need to express my feminine side. I am not a women and could never be one, but I do not think I am a man in a dress either. My feminine side is inside me and it is always there. It allows me to be more emotional, to cry when I see something sad, to hug a friend, and make friendships with a more caring nature. I feel closer to my girlfriends then to friends I have as a guy.
Expressing my feminine side gives me a chance to feel pretty, and the feminine energy is very satisfying. The clothing and makeup are tool in my feminine expression, but its is that inner feeling I want and need. Gender expression has never been just male and female, women can and do express their masculine side and that is good for them. I think I can express both my gender identities. It gives my life more meaning and I hope it does to all my sisters in this wonderful community.
We need to be and express who we are.
Well said, Julie! Thank you for the comments and expanding on my thoughts. My thought in this article was to give some reassurance that it isn't this or that but something more in the middle, the forgotten part it seems these days.;)
Brina, thanks once again for getting me thinking about where I am and where I am going on this journey. Myself , I don't wear any men's clothing except at my 'main' job. Taking the time to dress as Cassie and makeup (or not??) is to much trouble to deliver the mail.
Today I went to Church for the 4th time as fully Cassie. I still keep my male clothes around, but to do yard work I even wear a women's top and jeans and floral tennis shoes. I have been going to the doctor as Cassie, they even changed my name to Cassie on my chart. Last month I went to my dentist as Cassie.
About 2 months ago I went to Iowa State where hey were doing a study on older people (over 60) where I went for my second study (last was 18 months before) and changed my name to Cassie for the study and they automaticly changed my gender to female. I kind of wish they had not done that because that might throw off the study since at this time I have no intention for any HRT or surgery of any kind.
So I just wanted say that at this time I think I want to present as a woman all the time and be accepted as one most of the time.
THANKS, BRINA Cassie
Thanks for sharing, Cassie. You are speaking to my point directly. Just as every other person, we have our own settling point. That image of ourselves put up against the possible reality of what might be. Example: How we look in the mirror as opposed to what we wish to look like if we loose 40 pounds. We can use Photo editing to simulate the weight loss, beauty programs to give us an idea of makeup, AI to try on clothes, etc. We do this whether male, female, or "Other." Not just in real-time but within our minds. We have the added thoughts of where will I eventually land on the gender spectrum and how will I be perceived? For me, it's that fight which holds me back, mostly because of the life that I've established here. But... it... I were to move to a new place? That is my this or that wondering. Would I be more gender neutral overall, more Brina, or would things revert to what they are for me now. Good questions to ask a true therapist as I work through me. Have a great Fall! "Go Hawks!" and I Hope the Cyclones win out.
X or Y? I don’t believe those are the only two definitive settings. This is the essence of the non-binary sense of being that many of us experience. Maybe they will discover that there are cases of .73X/.27Y or .45X/.55Y or something like that. Or that there is something else in DNA that can explain someone like me. I just know I am “different.”
Testosterone or estrogen? Had that checked. Normal to low-normal T. Had male HRT (bio-identical implants) to boost my maleness. This did nothing to decrease my need to express my femininity.
That need is always present. There is some part of me that is inherently female. Science just hasn’t evolved enough to identify the cause of that need.
Daily underdressing in panties sates that need for the most part, until it wells up and circumstances align and I have the opportunity to put on makeup and a bra and women’s outerwear. If my life allowed it, I would probably present as female much more often.
I don’t know why I feel this way, I just know I do.
Thanks for the comments! Genetics/ biology is interesting and even researching questions such as how we are us generally causes more questions than it provides us with answers. You are expanding on the points I was hopefully making. We aren't just in a world of black and white any longer. That is the culture fight that will be fought and is bearing down on all of us. Not just toward the trans community but in all pockets. People are being purposely segregated into groups both to gain advantage and to be discriminated against.
I don't know why I am, but the bigger need is for me to be more accepting of myself and to find that balance that lets me enjoy my life with much less anxiety and fear. Not that it will ever be free of it, but throwing away the stigma and old thoughts is one way to move one heeled foot forward in front of the other. 🙂
"When I go a few days and haven’t dressed, I guarantee that I’ve thought about it, wanted to, and sometimes said, “Nah, not today.” If that turns into a week or a month, is it significant? Is something changing and I need to reassess? That’s where the anxiety of being who I am likes to rear is ugly head (the voices of doubt and society trying to sway the grey.)"
I can so relate to this. The anxiety and doubt. The guilt and shame. I'm in a DADT household (now). But I have a few hours every week day morning. I can hear the whole argument in my head. "Why don't you put something on?" And the argument can swing both ways - I can hear Dani asking me if I'm ashamed of her. And I can hear the male telling me I don't need it. A constant battle.
We all know about these labels and terms. I've tried to stay away from all of them except CD. I have 'adopted' that label (my definition might differ from yours). All the "orientation" labels I have left completely alone. I'm not judging anyone. They just didn't "feel" like they applied to me. I (still) don't think transition is for me. But there has been a slight "disturbance" in the force. My therapist mentioned something about gender fluidity, GF.
I had a wrong vision of what that was and of course since she mentioned it, it carried more validity. I have read a bit but need to read more. Especially matching her view points on it to other "experts." I guess what I'm blabbering about is maybe my views can change or might change.
Thanks you for your article. For me especially it was very timely. Keep writing dear. Some of us need it.
Thank you for the kind compliment. I'm glad that you see the points of the article in relation to yourself (and others). It's what I hope to accomplish when I write them. Yes, it is also about me but in saying that, I'm hoping I can help settle a few others' fears or pull us all a little closer in our understanding of who and what we are. Most assuredly, not the monsters that we are made out to be, even in our own minds. Gender fluid, Gender neutral, gender questioning, etc. I think all point to those of us who are middle of the road and express themselves mentally and physically as non-conforming to a set of principles assigned by others to what is strictly male or female. This is still part of my ongoing problem--the need to label it to somehow provide authentication. Only one box is even needed: HUMAN
"This is still part of my ongoing problem–the need to label it to somehow provide authentication."
You can say that again sister.
I think when any of us express ourselves, meaning you - it helps all. Whether we agree or not. If we stop thinking, stop reading, stop learning then the "monster" will grow and fester. And become very unhealthy to us.
I read everyone of your articles. Please keep them going.
Sabrina,
I am not sure any two of us in this community feel exactly the same, but what you wrote is very similar to my thoughts. When I started being more open and accepting of myself about ten years ago we (wife and I) went to a couples counselor. She helped us understand there are many layers to gender and suggested in my case “genderfluid” was a more accurate label, IF I wanted a label. I am retired and can dress however I want on any given day and my wife encourages it. But frankly long nails and makeup are not that handy when doing home improvement projects as we are right now. My hair is nearly shoulder length now so there is always a little Carrie there, though, since I usually pull some of it back with a scrunchy. Take care!
Thanks! I agree that the biggest issue we face is trying to fit ourselves into a particular label, whether constructed by us or others. Kind of my point; we are more than what biology or genetics currently indicates. There is something going on that will have far-reaching implications down the road. I was also trying to show that even when we don't appear to be as womanly as we may wish, it doesn't mean she isn't there or present. As you stated, your hair now! I hope to do that someday as well! 🙂
Thank you so much for writing out your thoughts. It gives us all pause to consider just who we are. Although I’m not sure I agree with everything in your article, I am very glad you put it forward. Gets this normally shallow thinker to look deeper.
Acknowledged! You don't need to agree with me wholeheartedly. This is your own personal journey and no two are the same. I only wish to initiate some conversation and hopefully, as you stated, get others to ponder more. I think in doing so, they can find a little bit more peace within themselves. I know I can use it! Thanks for the comments 🙂
As I take the day to rest and reflect in my nightgown and robe after a strenuous day of gardening the day before, I look back on how I got here. Having grown up between two sisters and a doughty mother who spent most of her time raising me as herself amongst everything feminine including clothing to house decor I can only believe it to be a strong influence as to my choice. That and a father who didn't care much to raise me as his son because he was more into himself and his work. As a parent he was fine, but as a father figure it was poor to say the least. My mother was my strength! Now that they are gone with the exception of my sisters I find myself alone and dressing more and more and I truly enjoy it.
I enjoyed reading your article because it reflects on me and others the feelings we have inside ourselves.
Like the politics of the time as an independent voter I choose to make choices on facts and not the rhetoric of any politician or party and the facts are I inherited most of my mothers and sisters traits; may they be biological or learned. Therefore, I accept who I am. It makes me feel more confident and excited to have made my choice and will continue to grow as Janelle.
Thanks for the comments and for sharing where you came from and to where you have arrived. I agree that we sometimes misrepresent the difference in traits with genetic labels. Traits are not sex considerate but rather the tendencies of the person who passed them on. Society is the one who needs to make them male or female. Like you, my strength and convictions came more through my mother than my father.
I appreciate your empathy and look forward to reading more of your articles. It's nice to talk with those who have shared similar situations.
What a fantastic article … Its like I was reading the thoughts in my head. Thank you
Some food for thought for sure. My wife (who knows about Rikki, but I would describe her as more tolerant than supportive) commented last week that she thinks I am "gender fluid". As far as labels go, that one is not that far off, since there are times when I HAVE to dress, and there are times when I don't. I look at gender differently than sexual activity preference. I would put myself as bisexual but non practicing, if that makes any sense to anyone.
I hear Brina and thank you for your insightful words.
Rikki
Thanks for the comments and description. I totally agree that one isn't the other. Society began to recognize that and now... who knows. I know that HAVE to feeling 🙂
What a wonderful description, thank you for sharing Brina.
