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Hello dear souls, this week I ask the question, who is your true friend?
Many of us, myself included, have called people our friends, but are they really?
In the sentences to follow, in place of any gender-related words, we can also insert anything you feel most ashamed of deep under your skin; perhaps its feeling like you are overweight, or what you call unattractive, maybe you think you are too tall/short, not very smart, and so on. It’s the thing that brings about the feelings of not being good enough, whatever the reason.
There are as many ways to be self-deprecating
as there are grains of sand on a beach.
Some folks we call a friend do not treat us as friends but rather, they keep us locked in our shame cyclones simply by how they speak to us when we expose our deepest fears and secrets.
When I first began presenting gender different, I would call on those I called friend for their support. One of the ways we can grow our confidence, self-esteem and self-love are by finding one or two people who accept us completely just as we are; not despite who we are, but rather because of who we are.
A true friend loves you because of your human imperfections
There are those who “say” they are your friend, yet their actions and words are not congruent. For example, one person I called friend said to me, I am totally fine seeing you dressed up, just tell me if you are going to be dressed in girl clothes when I come to visit; give me a heads up so I can mentally prepare myself. This is a person who has judgments and needs to prepare to be in your company, yet we call them friend?
Another person called friend says, oh I am completely good with how you look now, then, crickets. You hear nothing from them unless you make contact first and you must almost beg for their company. This is not a friend.
Do your friends respect and support your choices?
I know a lady who changed her name, yet after only a few months she returned to using the previous name because not one of her so-called friends, would use the name she said she preferred, but instead said; I met you as 'so 'n so' and that is how I will refer to you because that is what I am used to. These people had total disregard for what this lady requested. They are Not friends.
A true friend will support you in becoming the grandest version of the person you choose to become. They will help you navigate the challenges and obstacles to becoming the vision you hold for yourself.
A true friend will not 'should' on you; oh, you should do this, be like that, act like so 'n so, etc. A true friend will not tell you what they think would be best for you, but rather they will help you get clear about what you really want for yourself.
During my own journey I have discovered that if we can find one or two people who authentically support us in becoming the person that 'we' choose to be, we are very blessed. If we can find more than a couple of these wonderful souls, we have won the friendship lottery.
Do you have any true friends? People you share your deepest fears and shame spots with; who simply stand by you and help you work through it until you find clarity, release the shame, and grow your self-love?
If you want a friend, first you have to be one
This week, ask yourself, am I a true friend who supports others on their journey of becoming the grandest version of the greatest vision they hold for themselves? Do I support them in discovering their own clarity or do I give them advice on how I think they should be?
Learning the life skill of being a true friend will improve your own life in amazing ways and, will support others in witnessing what a truly, authentic friendship looks like.
So who do you call friend?
"Be a true friend first" ... really good advice. Looking back at life, rarely was I an unconditional friend. I was a good friend, a good listener, but not always a strong unconditional supporter. Most of my friends put in less effort, less focus, at least it seemed. Would I recognize a true friend if I wasn't a true friend in that situation.
Now, years of friendships, and also this COVID shelter, I realize I only have a few friends, and most are far from true friends. I seem to be fine... I'm close to mid-life, I'm fine with short-term friends to help pass time in life.
But there's one friend, I find myself striving to be a true friend to her. Why? Because she can use a true friend, she appreciates me being one, and she's truly enhanced my life, filled in a few missing pieces. Yet I'm so afraid of telling her about my dressing. She's the closest I am to being a true friend to unconditionally.
It is a wonderful thing that you choose to be a true friend to her Lea. Whether you move yourself through the fear to sharing this part of you with her or not, the gift of your friendship will return to you, maybe from someone else if not her, but what goes around, really does come around dear.
What do you imagine would be the result of telling her your truth Lea?
I'm not suggesting you do, I am just asking what you imagine would be the result...
Thank you so much for your comments Lea; you are appreciated dear soul
Namaste'
n huggles
Char
I used to think of what the result would be of telling anyone about my dressing. I've sort of let fear tell me that there's no point of sharing my dressing most days, but there are those days I feel it might make a difference.
Follow your inner intuitive guidance Dear, you'll know who to share with n who not too I'm guessing. My instinct has been pretty spot on 98% of the time haha
The majority of the time, I get a favorable response and supportive comment. Only now then someone feels their comfort zone stretch a bit with my presence hahaha I love it now because I know simply being seen, I am making a difference hehe
Thanks so much for saying Lea; I am grateful for you Dear
Namaste'
n huggles Hon
Char
By the way, I consider you a true friend and hope you consider me one as well. - Blessings from Teralynn
Absolutely!!
I wish you every wonderful thing you can imagine Teralynn, yup yup yup
Namaste' n big huggles Hon, always
Char
These last few years of my life, and especially today, I question whether I really know what a true friend is? I do know I can be a true friend, I have heard that from many of "my friends". I have also noticed as those friendships progress, they do start to develop stipulations, conditions, and that is healthy. What is not healthy are the conditions that require me to depart from who I really am, behave in a manner inconsistent with my values or goals or where I want to go. I do know I have vey own set of issues, yet through those struggles as I silently work on them or through them, I remain encouraging, consistent in my speech towards them, and available to talk or be with.
I also recognize that in many of those friendships, I knowingly or unknowingly have sacrificed my own emotions, feelings, desires for the sake of building or maintaining those and any other friendships. I would, the sake of the friendships, take the high road when challenges arose. in doing this I would justify the relationship to be most important. in actuality I was telling my self, my feelings don't matter, everybody else is more important reinforcing in myself worthlessness and undeserving. I became aware of this trait, (character flaw) as I was going through fragmentation and demise of my marriage. I realized that in order to maintain this relationship (marriage) I would have to change in ways that would be out of character for me, I would have to become who she wanted me to be, instead or the authentic person I am created to be. It was through the divorce, I lost 75%of my friends. Cross dressing was not a part of my life at that time though it did become a very important aspect within a year. it was when I came out so to speak, I saw more "friends" depart from relationship with me. But the final blow to friendships came just within the last 3 months when the last few abandoned me.
Facing the total loss of those last 4 did rock my world, and it also has made me question whether or not I want to pursue any more relationships, (friendships). I already know I struggle to make friendships, I am very intense person and pursue my life with passion and fervor, and I do not intend to change that.
So when you ask me, do I have any friends, from my heart, no, but my mouth will lie and tell I have a lot of friends or I don't really need friends.
I know I have a tremendous amount of head and heart searching to make it through this, and I know I am the only one that can dictate the outcome, regardless of what anyone says. And I WILL get through this, I am not adverse battles or fights. please oh please, do not think I am saying this is easy, painless or emotionalless process, (I am always wiping up puddles from the floor), it is not, I honestly feel broken to a million pieces and no glue to reassemble myself. It is ok though because I do know the two true friends I do have remaining (Jesus and myself) remind me daily, I am loved, I do have value and worth, I do have hope, and I am a true friend regardless of the circumstances or what others think or do.
Hold your head high, be at peace, and at all times be honest with yourself, for then you will find your most faithful friend, YOU for you are always with yourself
Oh Honey that needs to be a full on article for the weekly reset!
You have mastered the skills of self denial when it comes to authentic friends it sounds like and now, You've completed the house cleaning, sooo soon, the new friends who ARE genuine and authentic will begin to show up; the universe abhors a vacuum Steph.
We cannot soar like Eagles when we have surrounded ourselves with turkeys 😉
To turkeys stuck in the dirt, we might appear verrry small way up here flying in our truth and authenticity. They may even be resentful of our freedom.
If you know in your heart you have been and can give true friendship, don't settle for less for yourself Hon.
It is said that of all the millions of people on this planet, you are the only one you will never lose and never leave.
So the relationship we have with ourselves is the single most important and first one we must build, for what has someone got to gain if they have given up their own soul?
You Got This Stephanie
The more you love you, the more others will as well, works for me Hon 😉
Namaste' n huggles dear Steph
Char
Thank you Char for the wonderful encouragement, i am deeply touched by your words...they moved my heart in a way I can't explain...and I am inspired strongly to consider penning another article...but in all honesty, I am scared to...every day I am finding myself challenged by what I will call "an unexpected series of events" in my life...the more people I share this with...lets just say certain events have happened that I didn't expect and I am gun shy at the moment...I can say it has caused me to go deeper into my own heart and search it...truth is I found some pretty ugly things about myself I didn't realize or know was there...I found expressions I would quote to my self that I thought were encouraging, but still belittled me...reinforced the fears...it even made me ask "what does it mean to me"...not someone else...I even ask myself, what gives me more courage than someone else...I don't know the answer to that but I can say that I just got tired of the fear beating me up...trust me it is not without pain and so much of it is totaling changing how I look at things, what I say to my self...I still can't answer the question of friends...I would like to add one more thing of the list of qualifications. " A true friend will always be searching for a deeper meaning of friendships within themselves and not on what they see in someone else definition"... don't judge someones action by what you think you would do...actually do it...then you will have more awareness of your influence..Again thank you Char you do provoke me to think and smile
Hey Stephanie, I hear what you're saying and definitely do take very good care of yourself as you move through this maze of questions and seeking.
I have found that until I saw the, shall I call them, "shadow sides" of myself; the thoughts, feelings and actions that I have judged as bad, wrong, sick, and any other negative judgements I had on them, I stayed stuck in the cycle of negativity.
Once I observed All the shadow sides and said, Hmmm, isn't that interesting, and I love me anyway, then life began to really turn around for me.
Regardless of any of the things we judge as negative in us, thoughts, feelings or actions, we are Naturally who we are; The secret for me and my current practices, is to learn how to see that everything about me is natural, not good or bad, wrong or right, just natural, then practice loving me anyway.
When I live from the place of self acceptance and self love, as well as doing the same for others, life gets easier. Of course there are still problems and challenges of course, but the suffering comes from self attack thoughts, feelings and actions,,,and those, we can "decide" in an instant to stop, then practice our new choice, does that make sense?
I chose to stop living in fear and victim some time back now and what a difference that one choice shift has made for me as I practice this strategy daily; not always perfectly I assure you, hahaha but I practice non-the-less hon hehe
When you're ready to write, you will know, as I jokingly say often, don't let fear or gravity hold ya back hahaha
Especially the fear of who we naturally are, the people that mind, don't matter; the people that matter, don't mind hehe
Thanks so much for this Stephanie, keep on girl!!
Namaste'
n huggles from wayyyy up north haha
Char
Char’s question is not an easy one to definitively answer and - true friend - may have a different meaning for different people. I will give you mine which might give you some parameters to determine who your true friends really are. True friends - accept that we are all human and even friends make mistakes, accept who you are even if they find out about something you have not told them previously, don’t try to take your significant other away from you, will try to uplift you when they find out you are depressed or sick, will offer to help when your responsibilities have overwhelmed you, will return your calls, will answer your letters or messages, will open their door to you if you show up in the middle of the night with no where else to go, will offer you advice but not be upset if you don’t follow it, etc. etc. Hopefully, you will get the point I am making that friendship accepted should be friendship honored and there is just no telling what might be asked of you by someone who might consider you a true friend! Thanks Char for bringing up such a thought provoking subject. - Blessings to all from Teralynn
Beautifully written Teralynn, and agreed.
There's a quote I quite like, "nothing has meaning, except the meaning I give to it" what a true friend to me is, may be something entirely different for someone else.
I have had true friends ask me for support in some pretty testing things over the years; I won't go into detail hahaha
Thanks so much Teralynn, I wish you everything wonderful you can imagin dear, always 🙂
Namaste' n big huggles sweet soul
Char
Thank you Char for this wonderful article!
You are verrry welcome beautiful soul and thank you for taking the time to write here, I am grateful for you Hon 🙂
Namaste' Effie
n huggles of course hehe
Char
Hi Char, my only true friend was my dog. And sadly, she passed away six weeks ago. I'd love for my SO to be a true friend but she has all kinds of conditions on our relationship stemming from baggage she's carried all her life (according to a couples therapist we had a session with). I've tried to be a true friend to others especially in the last few years after my heart attack. Being in the mid-sixties, many of my "friends" have retired and moved elsewhere (I live in a community in northern Alberta that is made up of a lot of young people - average age of community is 30 - who come here for the job opportunities and then leave). But I'm not giving up, and will continue to try to be a good friend to others and hopefully I can develop a true friend relationship with a couple of people. thanks for the post Char, stay safe, stay healthy, All the Best, Hugs, Krista.
Oh up in the oil lands huh? I'm sorry to hear about your buddy passing, that's always an unpleasant experience Krista.
I'm pushin 60 this year but so far the hearts still working on que lol Most of us are carrying baggage from our childhood; the trick is to use it wisely hehe
I'm proud of you for keeping on and would love to know more about where you are haha I have family in GP and lived in Alberta for a few years myself lol
True friends can live anywhere Krista 😉 One of my dearest friends lives in Victoria lol
Let's chat more Hon and thank you for this message; I am grateful Krista
chat soon 😉
Namaste'
n huggles for yaDear
Char
Friendship---that's an interesting dilemma--I thought I had lots of friends Male & female(ones who were fine with Female me) even couples where the woman would mainly visit with my wife & the guy with me -the same when we went to their places--Singles who seemed interested in both of us- & That is--Until my wife unexpectedly died -- All of a sudden they've scattered like Dandy Lion seeds--If I contact them--they are more than civil--even Friendly --but not Real friends--The folks I work with / act like friends BUT-- being Too different will cause job lose-I've seen it--I Want friends but don't have the extra money to socialize much to try to meet new people--I think I've tried to be a true friend but now I'm unsure- Have I been doing it Wrong all these yrs?
Hey Jane, thanks so much for posting dear; let me first offer what a challenging experience the unexpected passing of your wife must have been for you. Heart huggles dear...
and yeah, I hear you about online friendships, they can be pretty superficial and eve fake I agree.
I have initiated a few online friendships and have moved them to offline as well, once they have developed to a deeper level. Online is a great starting point though in some cases.
Sometimes folks just do not know how to respond to a person when a partner passes; it's like they forget the a relationship is made up of more than one person but they forget how to relate to one person after seeing a "couple" for so long.
How long has it been Jane?
If I can offer some support I absolutely will dear 🙂
I will get on here this week mmmk
Until we chat further Hon
Namaste'
n huggles Jane
Char
Char, as always your words of wisdom make me smile and give me a warm feeling. I'll be 62 on Father's Day this year and have lived many lives in my lifetime. My true friend, ( I have only one) is transgender. It was magic the first time we spoke to one another as if we were symbiotic twins. It took me 58 years of life to find her and I am so glad I did. Thanks so much for the enlightening words of the heart.
Huggz and Namaste' Tia
