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Before you tell me that you have no idea why you and I cross dress, please allow me to present some ideas I have developed over many decades while struggling with this topic.
What do I know? I know that cross dressing is ever-present and is experienced throughout the world. From the study of thousands of nearly identical life stories, I gleaned that this usually starts fairly early in life. I started at age 3 and from what I’ve read to date, cross dressing usually starts the very first time between the ages of 5 to 12. During these early periods of cross dressing, it is typically associated with some form of sexual arousal. Due to society's general unacceptance of our thrill of cross dressing, we usually learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed and frequently don't tell others we know who aren't similar to us. For example, a fairly large portion of us didn't tell our proposed spouses in advance (and kudos for those who did).
Psychoanalytic psychotherapy was entered by me and continued for 13 years at much financial and emotional expense and I endured the uninformed hypotheses of my analyst and the abusive use of the term "perversion" throughout my alleged "treatment." All this is mentioned because all of it hasn't stopped me from thinking of "WHY" I was so committed to this lifestyle. Attempting to feel less isolated, I also joined a number of groups such as CDI (Crossdressers International) in NYC and the Vanity Club dedicated to serving anyone who exhibited trans behavior and felt transgender in some fashion (pun intended).
During the course of my life, I also learned what is involved in the declared "conversion" of gay people (By the way, I don't think it works and I strongly doubt it would help CD's either). So, we are left with "WHY” are we crossdressers"
If you’ve ever studied homosexuality, you know that homosexuals don't have a choice. They primarily know that they are attracted only or mostly to people of the same sex. Nothing succeeds in changing that irrevocably over the course of a lifetime - with very rare exceptions. Therefore, my strong belief is that something biological - either genetically born into someone and/or chemical - e.g. an individual choosing to expose to their self to female hormones, etc.) has happened to both homosexuals and transgender people. We may not have any choice usually with the exception of the individual choice I just noted above.
There is no possibility to overstate the importance of the effect others have on you. All one has to experience is just one transgender conference and the enormity of the effect will NEVER leave you the same. The power of being surrounded by others who are so similar is astonishing. For example, my experience at my first event was completely overpowering. I even met someone who lived near me and who ate in the same restaurants and was very committed as a transgender person. I was completely overwhelmed. We talked endlessly and my identity began to shift. Being exposed to a like individual opened up avenues and deepened my sense of femininity. All of a sudden, I was in a quandary. Am I seriously interested in transitioning or not? Given all that support and love, I considered becoming the woman inside me that I was acutely sensing. I entered therapy with a gender-knowledgeable therapist for a number of sessions and received her approval for undergoing transition. I oscillated between crossdressing (which seemed vulgar at the time) and giving in to the woman I sensed I was. Only when I differentiated how much my children meant to me and that I was their father and that I was imposing my desire onto them did my resolve falter. I also had to consider the serious possibility of needing to get a divorce from my mostly unaccepting wife, I came to the realization I needed to accept the limitations imposed by being a crossdresser. Incidentally, my dear friend wound up transitioning and divorcing his wife. In our last communication (unfortunately- because she felt we were no longer on the same wavelength), she indicated that she was doing well. I miss her desperately.
If this makes you feel less guilty and ashamed and makes you want to accept your predilections and preferences, so much the better. This website is designed especially for us. Live life to its fullest and learn to actually enjoy who you really are without having any feelings whatsoever of any guilt or shame!
- How old were you when you first tried on feminine clothing and was there a sexual arousal and/or relief assocaited with that very first time of cross dressing?
- Have you experienced feelings of shame or guilt associated with your thrill of cross dressing and have those feelings prevented you from coming out of the closet and revealing your desires to cross dress over the years?
- Have feelings of guilt and/or shame led you to purge all of your feminine clothing on one occasion or more and giving up your thrill of cross dressing for a period of time or giving up cross dressing in its entirety?
Girls, please feel free to take a few moments to respond to the writings in my article or to respond to one or more of the questions I've posed to you above.
With much love
Abby Lauren
Excellent! Enjoyed it. I love Israel, have visited there many times.
Hi Peggy Sue
What brings you to Israel so often? Because of COVID-19, I've stayed much longer at my home in FL this year but hope to go back to Israel within the next month.
It has been nearly two years this time, since our last visit to Israel, sadly. The virus will probably delay another visit for some time. We go with a church group, fascinating country and people. Often run into Americans who live in Israel. Every visit is like the Bible comes to life, right in front of you.
Hugs,
Peggy Sue
Hi Peggy Sue
I often feel exactly the same way. It's the Bible coming alive right in front of me.
HI Abby, great article. I, like many here started very young' at the age of 5 or 6 I tried on a pair of my mother nylons, in the family room in front of everybody. The feel was out of this world. In my late 20's I was into CD very heavy,wearing pantys everyday and underdressing with pantyhose often. By the time I was 30 I gave up CD almost completely, at that time I purged every thing. Then I got Married and had 3 kids (this is the mane reason I will never consider doing any thing more than CD). Then in 2011 I got divorced ( nothing to do with CD)and due to a number of things we still live in the same house (she is upstairs and me in the basement).
Fast forward to last year, the urge to dress up came over me. I went though containers and picked out a few of her old clothes to wear. I soon was buying my own things. In my head I justified wearing her clothes because of the overwelming desire to do so. there was some shame and guilt about that and even more so after I got caught. This situation is causing part of my depression on this as she is extreamly mad about wearing her clothes and she is coninually calling me weird etc.
Thanks so much, Sandy. My wife is also unaccepting but grudgingly tolerant. Nevertheless, I have learned that this is an essential part of who I am and I look forward to being in touch with my friends.
Excellent article, and very true.
I'm one of those who have made peace with feminine side, and now enjoy the ride without the guilt and shame I used to feel.
Though, like most I started 12ish, I have never gone through the purge cycle like so many others here have. Early days there was a definite sexual thrill too.
Then I gave up dressing for many years, and honestly never missed it, then in my 30's I suppose I started trying on my wife's undies from time to time. By that I mean 3-4 times a year, rounded out with socks for breasts, and my own t shirts, and either shorts or jeans. How I loved the look of how my guy t shirts stretched out over the filled out 40 D bra of my wife's!
Then one time I got several yards of pink Spandex material and made myself a little dress to wear! How exciting that was too.
I was wearing her undies with her knowledge too, and she didn't mind for a while, then she said I better have my own things!
It was mid or late 90's I first started thinking about going "all the way" with dressing. Using makeup, buying better clothes, etc., and really trying to look the part, but was always afraid to go that far. In part because I didn't have any information we have now, and I still thought of myself as pretty weird.
It took me till 2019 to actually do that, and learn how to be passable.
I am also one of those who believe that we really don't have a choice in this. I have heard many of the same theories too, but so far, no one really can say for sure. It is now accepted that gays and lesbians don't have a choice, for some reason it is how they are wired, and being able to "cure" them is now discredited by most.
For comparison, I have a musical inclination, and I have been drawn to play instruments of several kinds since before I can remember, and well before I started dressing in women's clothes. This is an accepted part of me, and is just in my personal makeup that no one questions. Why should they?
I wish we could get to that point with this, it is simply who we are.
Amy
Dear Amy
As you know, I completely share your feelings. I did purge once and when I decided to come back to CD'ing, one of my friends who got some of my clothes GAVE them back to me and I have continued this way ever since. Thanks for sharing your feelings. We're all in this together. As you said."It is simply who we are."
Abby
Hi Abby Thank you for sharing your perspective and i agree with most of your thoughts on when it all starts for a lot of us. I do not remember sexual excitement beginning before puberty. I do remember feeling excitement and a sense of comfort that everything was right when I would borrow my sisters nite gowns to help me sleep. The sexual excitement started around 12 -13 and continued its intensity into my late teens. I do remember looking and finding affirmation from men mostly that i was pretty and attractive when i expressed my femininity at a local gay night club. I was not attracted to men at all. They were attracted to me and i must admit the feeling you get when some one confirms your true identity to be attractive is absolutely the best feeling I have ever felt. There must be a pleasure zone in our brain that gets excited when we cross-dress this zone is is very close or is the same zone that gets excited when we are sexually aroused. We all need our identity confirmed some how or some way. If we feel one way and what we are told is in conflict then begins a problem within our selves. In most cases what we are told wins out because there is proof.we were born with male genitalia. You now the rules that society has dictated and is strictly obeyed. Shame and guilt are tools that society uses to stop any one that may feel differently. Here at CDH helps a lot of us confirm our identity as real and even goes further than that it nurtures and supports those feelings.. These feelings begin to mature until we accept those feelings as just apart of who we are as human beings. I also agree with your thoughts about when the brain and the body began to part company so to speak. It could be genetic of course I have read that just before birth our brain is exposed to a certain amount estrogen that should help match our body some thing went wrong at that point. So the question WHY is very much studied today and i am confident there will be some answers some day but in the meantime we should not hide the fact we feel differently about what we are told by society. There are so many of us from all over the world that feel the same way and as you said there is so much comfort and a feeling of relief we get that we realize we are not alone when we can communicate with each other either in person or via this new technology the internet. Let us not forget CDH connected the internet with us. Luv Stephanie
So true, Stephanie. I hope someone somewhere finds out exactly what has affected SO MANY of us that our stories are so similar. I probably won't live to see it. In any case, I'll continue to be Abby as long as I live.I won't always express it because I don't want to get divorced and pay severe consequences. I have been blessed with a sister who is now very up in years but accepted me fully for who I am. We went everywhere together and my friends at CDI adored her.
Thanks for your comments.
Love
Abby.
Fascinating stuff and all so true
Hi Abby I have just read your article and feel compelled to agree with you regarding what compels us to cross dress. When I was a baby ( so my mother tells me) I managed to find a full packet of her contraceptive pill which I promptly devoured ! I was rushed some time later to the hospital and had my stomach pumped.
When I was three I threw a tantrum because I wanted to wear my cousins straw hat which was adorned with flowers. I didn’t stop till I got it. My mother tells me as a small child I was fascinated by anything that had a ballerina in it. ( To this day I haven’t told her it was because I loved the very pretty dresses they wore).
A number of years later I think like you I was under 5, I stole my first pair of tights( pantyhose) . I remember they were ecru coloured ( which has taken me years to get again) and I loved the feel of them on my legs . I used to hide them in the toilet so I could put them on and not be discovered. I remember I was so careful not to ladder them . Eventually of course my mother discovered them and confronted me and my brothers asking “ all right who’s keeping trophies” . I didn’t dare speak up, I remember being mortified that my secret had been discovered and I would no longer be able to wear them ever again. I guess that was my first ever purge , I was about seven ( so you can imagine just how careful I had been with those tights) at this point.
Today I am still in the closet as my wife has stated that her husband will never be found in knickers ! What a shame she doesn’t know who I really am. She is due to go on holiday in august with her daughters and grandchildren whilst I plan to have a holiday in a socially accepting town where I can be myself for a fortnight. I have already started buying my holiday clothes in anticipation of this and planning where I want to go as a 54 year old crossdresser.
God I am so sorry to ramble on like this I only meant to agree with you regarding my aforementioned oestrogen overdose as a baby. Kindest regards Caroline
Dear Caroline
My wife is also unaccepting but I find places to go to where I can be Abby and have makeovers and wear all my pretty clothes. I used to store everything in a storage room but, now, have a lot of stuff in my house. My wife is somewhat upset but appreciates that I (mostly) don't do anything in front of her.
Thanks for commenting
Warm regards
Abby
Wonderful story. I was maybe 4 the first time I cross dressed. I remember hiding in a closet with one of my sister's dresses on. As I grew older, I use to play dress up with my sister. She always put mom's dresses on over here clothes. I always took my clothes off and put on mom's clothes. I loved the feel of the silky panties against my skin. I was hooked after that. My cross dressing is how my wife and I got together. 31 years together as a couple and married for 28 years. Still going strong. My early father's day gift i received this past weekend. I got to go to a Bridal shop and try on Wedding Dresses. Bought a Beautiful ivory and gold ballgown wedding dress. I know I am spoiled rotten by my wife.
Hi Dorothy
I'd LOVE to hear more about how you found such an accepting wife. Of course, I can't change my wife but she's grudgingly tolerant.
Hugs
Abby
Abby I really don't know how I found such an accepting wife. I met my wife at work. The two of us had become friends. At the time the two of us were both married to other people. Even though both of our marriages were about to come to an end. My divorce was somewhat already in the process. My now wife and I would pal around with one another as friends and have lunch together at work. One day I told my friend all about my cross dressing over lunch. She had asked if she could see me dressed up. I told she could. I invited her to my place for dinner. I was dressed up in a dress when she arrived. The rest is history. That was 31 years ago and we are still going strong.
I am delighted for you. I only wish I could have even the slightest acceptance.
First of all I must say Abby you look absolutely stunning so beautiful.Im so happy for you.I started dressing in my mother’s lingerie when I was very young although they were too big for me.I hadn’t hit puberty so it was not a sexual thing.It felt normal and it felt right.I do believe as I’ve said in an earlier post of a slightly different topic I am a female in a mans body.Always felt that!Do i feel shame when I crossdress of course I do but that’s only natural cos like most of us girls out there we’re married with kids and if we were ever caught it wd be the end of our lives in more ways than one.Am I gay definitely not.But when I’m dressed I only want to sleep with men.Do I purge my clothes when the shame and guilt kicks in?Yes I do and I actually have nothing female left right now cos just before Xmas I got injured and was in hospital I had to get rid of my “Katie” clothes cos I was afraid of my wife finding them.I gave up wigs heels lots of dresses and lots of lingerie plus my breast forms which I loved.Ive got new breast forms but they’re too small not like the ones I had before cos they were big like me cos I’m a big girl.Its hard to get new stuff cos my late mother used to get my stuff and dress me.I miss her big time xx
Hi Katie
I purged only once and, of course, regretted it. I found some of my stuff when a friend of mine, who had bought them, gave them back to me.
Tanks for telling me your story.
Hugs
Abby
Hi Abbey,
I think I may have started crossdressing late - I was eleven.
No guilt, perhaps a fear of being caught.
But now I have an understanding wife, I don't own a shirt
or trousers or jacket. Just a wardrobe full of dresses that
I will probably not wear again and my style icons of pink
crop tops, spaghetti strap tops and jeans with the zip the
wrong way round. lol They fit!
"How old were you when you first tried on feminine clothing and was there a sexual arousal and/or relief assocaited with that very first time of cross dressing?"
I can't remember when I first tried it. I do have a vague memory of my older sister helping dress me as a girl for a Halloween, maybe twice.
"Have you experienced feelings of shame or guilt associated with your thrill of cross dressing and have those feelings prevented you from coming out of the closet and revealing your desires to cross dress over the years?"
Absolutely!
"Have feelings of guilt and/or shame led you to purge all of your feminine clothing on one occasion or more and giving up your thrill of cross dressing for a period of time or giving up cross dressing in its entirety?"
The guilt of hiding it from my wife has caused numerous purges over the years, and due to Wife's somewhat narrow-minded opinions of cross dressers, I don't see any changes in the cycle coming before either of us passes.
I have been away from this site for many weeks when I was seriously ill, hospitalised and underwent and undergoing all sorts of rehabilitative therapies to try to get better. I almost died but survived by holding onto a branch for dear life until I was miraculously found (see channel 10 news from H. Now I have an encephalopathy and am trying to get better but my mind is not normal. I have no short-term memory and my lovely singing voice is gone. My wife has a bad temper and is not empathic. Thank God my son is but he lives very far away. Despite all this, I remain transgendered and love to indulge myself as Abby. I know this condition is biologically based (an estrogen wash during gestation) but I've loved it since I was a young child. I sought therapy for 12+ years but got nowhere (it was pure psychonalytic bull**** full of made up stories of being too close to my mother!!) After all this, I remain close to being Abby as often as I can. While I'm still alive, I hope that my story will help anybody who is in dire straits and questions their transgenderism. It will never change!! it is completely biological. Don't feel bad about it. You are all very special and very dear to me.
All my love
Abby
About 7 years ago a dept.head in a California U wrote in the Wall Street Journal "Caught Between Male & Female".He says that the Mom releases 2 blasts while the baby is in the womb-1-external characteristics-2 brain. 2 does not come out as in sync with 1 sometimes i.e tends more to the female brain. My view is that 2 is not an either or situation but misfires to a varying degree. Thus the more toward female the greater desire/need to transition.
Therefore -why feel guilt or shame?. This is the way we were created
You're correct. There is no need for shame or guilt but, nevertheless, that is almost universally felt.
In the first three months of pregnancy, all fetuses are female. Really. It is then that one of two things happen. Either nothing happens with any hormone release and the baby remains female, or the mother releases androgen which creates a male. Don't believe all men spend three months as females? That's why men have nipples. Now, if that androgen delivery is too little or too late, that causes problems with the male body, such as Partial Androgen Insufficiency Syndrome, which I have.
I grew breasts at 12. (Had them removed at 22 after years of bullying and shame. Then years later had to buy silicone breasts.) Women have different thought patterns when solving a problem. I think like a woman. My male genitalia is smaller than most male's. I almost was a woman, but had enough exterior plumbing to be called "It's a boy." Then I spent eight decades of my life emulating women. (Sigh).
Mollylynn
Hi Emily
I feel my response to your comment was inadequate, I think you've got it right. Thank you soo much for sharing it. If you have more details, i would be happy to learn more about this. I'd also like to be your friend.
Many thanks,
Abby
Hi Abby,
Wonderful article!
In my memory I was about seven when I first dressed in my mothers clothes and make up. As baggy as they were I paraded out to the kitchen in front of my mother and grandparents as proud as can be. My mother was a single mother and I don't want what I was thinking, I did not feel any sexual arousal, but it felt right.
I purged many times when I was younger, but not in the last twenty five years or so. Now it's only when something wears out or needs to be replaced.
The guilt and shame is something I still deal with, and have not come to peace yet. I am working on it and appreciate articles like this that reinforce I am not alone.
Hugs,
Lisa
There is an increasing body of evidence in the medical research that seems to point to CD/TG as a result of prenatal brain development. Without getting too technical, it seems that during early and mid gestation, we are exposed to different hormonal conditions that cause our brain to develop in one manner (male or female) while the body develops in the opposite gender direction. I am not convinced that the medical findings are conclusive at this point, and other researches are now under way. With that being said, it appears that what we call CD/TG is as bio normal as being left handed, or math intuitive,
other such inborn traits. Not something that Id's chowed, but predisposed by brain development. The jury is still out and I have confidence that definitive evidence will soon emerge.
Hi Abby
Hope you are well. Thank you for your great article. So many of us are constantly looking for the answers to why ? After almost committing suicide in my 30s I saw a psychologist. She gave me a lot of insight of why im the person I am. It didnt really explain why I do what I do, but it did help me. After seeing her the concept of Balance became my mantra. Even if did find out Why, what would change ? Hope to see you again in the future.
Yours Terri
Hi Terri
You're looking better and better. I hope that reflects a peace you've achieved with being Terri.
Love
Abby
Thank you hun. A sense of Balance really defines the way I feel more than peace. I still struggle with weighing my need and opportunities to express my female side. The crisis obviously has hindered me getting out, but things are getting better. You look amazing as always.
Yours Terri
My feelings to a T. I KNOW we can't do anything about it. Just wanted everybody here to not fault themselves in any way.We are a normal variant.
Thank you very much.
Much love
Abby
Excellent article,
I started to crossdress at a very young age probably at 4. My earliest memory is about being ‘caught’ sitting in my mother closet dreaming of wearing her green dress, I felt a lot of guilt, even if of course she new nothing about what I was dreaming of... 50 years later I still feel that shame. For years, I worked so hard to hide my feminine side that I became a real man , and no one would ever think I like to crossdress. And now I am still in the closet, and trying to find a way to reveal my true identity to my wife... That is a challenge.
I got married, I have a wonderfull daughter, and for 15 years Sophie went asleep. Last year, I started to buy clothing and makeup again, I had an urge to reveal myself. I really feel good when I crossdress !
Sophie
I feel great when I'm Abby and hope it shows.My smile is so sincere and reflective of how I feel inside.
