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My wife and I own a small farm. She works for a government department, and I work part time locally.
Because of the nature of her work, there is much she cannot share with me. Likewise, when I have counseled others in the past, I can't share with her what the details were about.
We both like guns. We can spend hours together shooting tin cans. But when it comes to hunting, my wife doesn’t share the same passion I do for hunting and we’ll just leave it at that.
My wife knows I cross dress. We often go for pedicures together. She agrees with me that painted nails are much better looking than natural fungal yellow. Time to time I will wear some makeup, and or fingernail polish. I often dye my hair. She has often done it for me. Recently, from her suggestion, I have been going to a hairdresser to do it. It’s a much better quality, than a DIY shop bought package. And my hair hasn't dried out as much.
In cooler months I'll wear tights, and pantyhose. Often under jeans. I have a collection of women’s skinny jeans, which she doesn't mind my wearing.
That is the extent of my crossdressing with her. She knows I dress. She has washed and laundered some of my clothes. And put them away.
I'm ok with my wife's limited involvement in my hobby... To be sure, there are times I fantasize about us shopping together for outfits. Dressing up and going out together. And dressing in front of her.
The reality is, I realize that is more of an unrealistic fantasy, than it is a reality. (At least for now.)
I don't get involved in my wife's work. She has hobbies, which bore me to tears. I don't do them with her. But time to time we discuss what she is doing.
I'm ok with my wife turning her back, and going inside, when its time pull the trigger on kill day. I'm ok for her not to be involved when I go hunting. Its ok for her not to empty our compost toilet bucket for that matter. (Yes, we are hillbilly off gridders.) Its ok for that to be my job.
Can you see where I'm headed with this? I believe it’s important for any couple to have honest discussions. Its ok for us to have realistic expectations of each other. For us, flirting with others is a no no. We both fully trust, and have each other’s back in this regard. Its ok for us to have confidentiality issues, that we cannot share with each other. Most professions have the same ethic. Doctors. Police. Judges. Accountants. Lawyers. Bankers. To name a few.
My wife is ok with me not being drawn to her hobbies and interests. And I'm ok with her not wanting to go with me to a gun show.
Anyways. I ramble. I had a gob smack revelation tonight while talking to someone else. I'm ok with my wife not being into the things I do. And I'm ok that time to time ethics prevent me from sharing detailed conversations with her. And of course, she with me. Why is it, I shouldn't be ok with her not being involved more deeply, or being ok with my dressing?
For me, that mind shift has been freeing.
What’s your thoughts and reactions about what I have shared tonight?
Is there something I have shared that you can run with?
As much as my wife and I are similar (and I suppose being together for nearly 30 years might have something to do with that?) in many ways we are polar opposites.
We celebrate our differences, her strengths and my weaknesses and vice versa make us better together. Having interests in areas of our lives that do not overlap often leads to new conversations and personal growth. In my opinion a relationship were both parties are nearly identical sounds tedious and exhausting.
As an aside, your redneck off-grid lifestyle sounds magical, even if it means hauling buckets of human compost!
The romance of being offgrid equates to hard work. I agree with your observations being identical would be boring and as you say tedious.
Rei, I find your thoughts on "tedious and exhausting" to be enlightening. I think that is the challenge that my wife and are going through, right now. Thanks, MUCH!!
That is one of the best insights. Your wife does not go to gun shows and she knows that you go. Your wife does not dress up with you, but she knows that you dress en femme. She is not opposed to gun shows or the femme, she just does not participate. This sound very healthy to me. I am glad you two found a comfortable place.
Really great article Mary Jane and I totally agree that maintaining some boundaries, even within the intimacy of a marriage, is OK and can even be healthy. The important thing is honest communication, where both parties are able to reach agreement on what/where those boundaries should be. This is one reason I find it a bit annoying when I hear people say that they "married their best friend." To me, a best friend is someone we are very close to outside of the marriage. While my wife and I have loads of friends in common, we both also have our own set of friends, including besties. To me, that's a situation with boundaries that make for a healthier marriage.
So too with hobbies, as you describe. My wife knows of my cross dressing, but wants no part of it, and in fact, I prefer it that way myself. It's strictly DADT and I feel lucky that she's willing to at least tolerate it. I fully understand and respect her reluctance to accept, let alone embrace it. Let's face it, this is a very unconventional hobby that is difficult for people in general to understand (including ourselves!). So why should our SOs be any different.
In short, thanks for pointing out that some boundaries are healthy and should be respected.
Mona
Great observation about besties. Marriage a fine line. I hear some say they love their wives, or husbands, but don't like them. (I have never figured that out.)
What a lovely couple.
Really well done Mary Jane. It’s ok that our wives don’t share our interest in dressing. So many of us would love to be out in public dressed, hand in hand with our wives but the reality is many wives dont want to do that and that’s fine. But their acceptance of this side of us is far more important. Thanks
This is such an eye opening perspective that I never though of. I don't plan on transitioning so i guess it could be seen as a hobby versus a life and relationship altering situation. Like you my wife does not like guns, camping, sports...most "guy" things. Coincidentally she also does not like very girly-girl stuff (fashion, makeup etc) that I do. I guess i have enough interests for two people. Likewise I am not drawn to many of her hobbies though i join in on them on occasion just to spend time together and be able to relate and appreciate her better. She knows of my fashion hobby and has on occasion laundered clothes that may have slipped into the main laundry. It gets folded and put in a place for me to put away just like any other clothes. I guess i should remind myself to be thankful for our differences and likenesses and accept it as such. It could be much worse. Thank you!!
Thank you for the insight Mary Jane. My wife and I share many commonalities with your family. I’m not into all of her hobbies, why should she be into all of mine? As long as I have a clear understanding of what my dressing means to me, I can have clear expectations for how my wife fits into it.
My wife and I are professional crafters, and we often collaborate on projects. She works with material and yarn and paint, and I in wood. She helps me with design, as I cannot draw a strait line without tools. Once I start to see an idea on paper, then I see how to make it. I, onthe other hand, could never do the work that she does. She can crochet a baby blanket, making the pattern as she goes. We work off of each others strengths. She loves my cross-dressing, helping to pick out outfits and make-up that suits me, or flatters my features in ways that I cannot see. It all works for both of us, or should I say, the three of us.
Its good where our talents and likes intersect. Ours do in many areas, such as the gardens. We complement each other extremely well.
Work with our strengths. Don't sweat what isn't.
It's important to have boundaries. My wife knows and supports my crossdressing. We have rules when we go out. I can never be prettier than her, not a problem because she is beautiful. And I am not allowed to flirt. Again, not a problem because I am hers completely, forever.
A lovely and loving article, Mary Jane! I hope all CD and SOs read this. From a SO perspective, I admire the respect that you give your wife. The honest discussions and no flirting agreement are particularly important. Like many SOs, I have been struggling more with lies, flirting, and sexually explict photos and messages than the actual dressing. We had been married for over 20 years before he made his CDing a more overt part of our life. Since he dresses around me and never asked if I minded or if I was okay with it, I believe that he is obligated to be honest with me. To maintain a healthy relationship he needs to be honest with me. Lies by omission feed the imagination and raise suspections.
Thanks. My dressing is a compulsion I have no control over. However, I do have control over my commitment to my SO. And she has control over her commitment to me.
We want our marriage to work. That means we don't bring anyone else in between us. That means no flirting, (i have no leanings towards men, even when dressed.) So that means no flirting with women. No porn. (I'm fully convinced of its destructive nature.) And I don't swap photos with anyone.
I'm sorry to hear of your own journey. Sounds terribly difficult
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