Year One

2024 has been a year of incredible change in my life; I'm calling it Year One because for me it's been a year of so many firsts. I turned 50 this year but I might as well have turned 15. This is the year that I finally got to experience the world in a completely new and exciting way as Michelle.

2023 concluded with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in the exact same month. Our first grandchild was born in early November and later that same month, I lost my father unexpectedly.

2024 began with an odd combination of grief and elation, as well as excitement and anticipation for what was to come. The loss of my father and the realization that I am now a grandparent was a wake up call: it's now or never. I decided that if I'm going to explore what I've longed to explore, now is the time because time waits for no one.

Like so many others, I've been cross-dressing in some capacity since I was a young child. Waxing and waning, coming and going, purging and buying, hiding and exploring—I’ve done it all.

In my case, I've had the blessing of an incredibly supportive and affirming spouse for nearly 28 years. She has known about my cross-dressing since our earliest days together and has always been encouraging and understanding even when I denied, hid, and felt ashamed of who I was. In fact, it was she who bought me my own first pair of  heels, first dress, first wig, and first did my makeup shortly after we were married. However, it was me who threw it all away in a guilt-ridden purge afterwards, only to buy again and start over. I came into our marriage preloaded with an incredible amount of guilt and shame from growing up in a strict conservative, religious home. I have lived in a constant state of inner turmoil for nearly 40 years thinking that who I was in my innermost self was in complete misalignment with who and what my family and community expected me to be— but that's another topic for another day.

In 2019 I found a cross-dressing group online called Sigma Epsilon that met in person about one and a half hours drive away from me in Atlanta, Georgia. In early 2020, after discussing with my wife, I made up my mind to reach out to Sigma Epsilon. I made first contact, had conversations with the membership coordinator, and was ready for my first visit in March of that year. However, COVID-19 cancelled the whole thing. Then came a series of graduations, weddings, job changes, and life events that delayed everything until recently. In December of 2023 I decided that my time had finally come to take this to the next level.  With full support from my wife, I disclosed my secret to both of my adult daughters and was met with nothing less than total acceptance from both of them.  If anything, it made our relationships even stronger.

I contacted Sigma Epsilon again in early January 2024 and set up my first visit for later that same month. When the big day finally arrived my oldest daughter helped me with my makeup. My wife couldn't attend but did help me pick my first outfit the night before. I left the house alone for the first time completely dressed as Michelle. Am I insane? Are they insane? Is this safe? What if someone sees me? What if I get lost? What if I have a flat tire? Should I turn back now? These and many more questions raced through my mind as I made the one and a half hour drive to meet the group. When I arrived at the hotel, I made the call from my car and was greeted by the group president in the parking lot and escorted up to the suite.

When I entered the suite, I was warmly welcomed by the other attendees. My fears and anxieties were quickly put at ease and it didn't take long until I felt quite comfortable and began to open up and discuss all sorts of matters related to cross-dressing; I used the opportunity to ask as much as I could. For the first time I was able to ask questions of someone other than Google and get answers to things I have wondered about all my life. Just about the time I had finally calmed down, it was time to go out to lunch.

We all car pooled together which meant that I couldn't chicken out and go back home. When we got to the restaurant I was again on pins and needles. Would there be pitchforks? Would there be an angry mob? Would there be ridicule or public shame? Thankfully it was completely uneventful. We were just a group of ladies having lunch; even the wait staff addressed us as ladies. After lunch we went back to the suite and they graciously entertained my continued questioning for the rest of the day. In fact, it was Sigma Epsilon that first told me about Crossdresser Heaven, which I joined later in the year. By late afternoon I was exhausted from all the build up and events of the day so I opted to go home rather than out to dinner with the group. I decided to officially join Sigma Epsilon and went on my way looking forward to the next meeting.

My drive home was completely different from earlier drive in. I felt euphoric, almost like I was floating all the way home. When I met my wife at home we talked for hours and I couldn't wait to do it again.

In February, I also attended without my wife but I had the pleasure to meet more cross-dressers and continue to learn as much as I could. In March my wife was finally able to join me. She had a wonderful time going to a museum and out to lunch and dinner with the group and she has been attending with me ever since. Throughout the year we've gone to various restaurants, museums, theaters, exhibits, met many more people and we recently attended a wonderful holiday party.  

Finally venturing out into the world in 2024 as Michelle has truly been one of the highlights of my life. I've spent far too many years battling Michelle; the internal struggle has caused me so much angst. Now, for the first time, I have an outlet that allows me to explore my feminine side publicly in a safe way. My confidence has grown enormously and I've become far more secure in my identity;  my only regret is not doing this sooner. In addition to joining Sigma Epsilon, I recently set up an account with CDH and I have greatly enjoyed meeting many new people and continuing my journey of self exploration. I’m still a work in progress but I've had an amazing Year One and I can’t wait to start Year Two.