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A few weeks ago I attended church with Vicki and her wonderful family as Vanessa. It was the first time I’d gone to church as Vanessa, which was quite an experience itself. As much as I’d been yearning to worship God as Vanessa it took a few reassurances that I wouldn’t cause problems at the church, or make life difficult for Vicki and her family before I went. Despite what you may be thinking so far, this week’s post isn’t about going out dressed, or religion. It’ll make sense in a moment…
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the different denominations of Christianity (or religion itself) the traditions can vary quite widely. From casual music and a sermon all the way to a formal service with many scripted sections. The service I attended was more formal than I’d been to since college – which is neither a bad thing or a good thing. It did, however, get me thinking about authority.
Crossdressers Are Under Authority
Pretty much since we’re born we’re under authority. We have people telling us what we can and can’t do. Our parents, our teachers, our pastors. We’re trained to ask for permission before doing something as simple as using the bathroom. And woe to you if someone else has been granted permission just before you – there’s only so many hall passes to go around you know.
This system creates compliant drones ready to join the workforce and wait for a boss to tell them what to do and to set boundaries on what they can’t. This may be a fine way to manage society (though I have contrary views that are beyond the scope of a transgender column), but it is a terrible way to manage your emotions.
You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!
As crossdressers we’re especially susceptible to the judgments of society. We look around waiting for someone to give us permission to be who we are. Perhaps it’s an understanding wife who lets you wear feminine undergarments at home, or a social organization, or a book you read. Yet for most of us, even with permission to crossdress we still feel ashamed of crossdressing.
Why is that? Why, even without the damnation of those closest to us, and the nearest liberal church do we still find it difficult to love ourselves? I think we’re waiting for permission. We’re waiting for someone to tell us that it’s okay to love ourselves. Just as we are. With all our failings and flaws that concealer can’t hide.
Stop Waiting!
You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!
Decide today that you’re going to love yourself for who you are. Maybe you’re a crossdresser struggling to accept your feminine desires. Maybe you’re the wife of a crossdresser wondering where you failed? Maybe you’re too fat, or too poor, or have too few friends. None of that matters. Love yourself.
If you won’t do it without permission, then I give you permission to love yourself. Say it aloud now, ‘Vanessa gives me permission to love myself. I love myself for who I am.’.
Really. Say it. Your computer will contract a horrible virus and explode if you don’t say it loud enough so that I can hear you.
‘I love myself for who I am’
Did you check that your microphone was on? I could bare hear a mumbling from the other end. All I have are these words (and the ability to make your computer explode), so just say it. Do it because you’re afraid of the mess your computer will make if you don’t, or because you just want to move on to the next article, or because you have enough faith in yourself to know that only good can come from this.
‘I love myself for who I am’
You might just find that when you love yourself the world seems a bit brighter, and you have more love to share with others. You are beautiful just as you are. Thank you for joining me this week.
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P.S. I don’t really have the ability to make your computer explode. However, if it does explode I recommend you contact the manufacturer immediately and get your fabulous clothes far from harms way. Melted skirt is not a good look for you….
@cdh Thank You Vanessa,.Myself and my sister and brother were raised as Catholics and taught by the Dominican Nuns,very fierce creatures,LOL,and what you say is true,we were always awaiting permission for one thing or another.So ,I have given myself permission to be the best crossdresser I can be and be happy about it.I love myself for who I am and will continue to do so. Sincerely Michelle.
Embracing Authenticity and Self-Love
A compelling piece, prompting a reflection on the journey of self-discovery and acceptance. Vanessa, you shared a poignant experience attending a formal church service, revealing the inherent challenges in seeking societal approval to be one's authentic self.
The narrative here struck a chord as it explored the pervasive theme of perpetually seeking validation and permission from other people. From our earliest years, we find ourselves navigating various forms of authority, shaping our behaviour and often constraining our emotional autonomy. While this structure may serve societal order, it frequently acts as a deterrent to embracing our genuine selves. You aptly pointed out that this quest for permission extends beyond specific identities and is pertinent to anyone contending with societal expectations. The weight of societal judgments can be burdensome, fostering a waiting game for external validation even when permission is ostensibly granted.
Your message echoes resoundingly: We don't require external permission to cultivate self-love.
This realization reverberates personally. Whether grappling with societal expectations, internal insecurities, or questioning life choices, the crux lies in the conscious decision to love oneself unconditionally. Your empowering reminder that we hold the agency to grant ourselves this permission is both liberating and transformative. In the spirit of this sentiment, allow me to articulate my own declaration: "I love myself for who I am." This simple yet profound affirmation signifies a departure from seeking external validation. Uttering these words has instigated a perceptible shift—a brighter outlook and an enhanced capacity to share love with others. Our individual journeys toward self-love are uniquely beautiful, independent of societal approval. I encourage you to take a moment for introspection, appreciating the beauty of your own individuality without waiting for external validation.
When you learn, and this is always my golden rule, to believe in yourself and soon everything around you will fall into place as you grow your own confidence, accept who and what you are and face those out there, then would you find the real authentic you, your foundation on which you stand as a proud human being, not deterred by societal perceptions. Just my thoughts I wanted to share with you.
A lovely and thought provoking piece indeed.
So true. Loving and accepting yourself is such a hurdle for many transgendered people. We are programmed to seek validation and permission and we need to overcome that to be who we are.
What a wonderful post!
Stace
PS: And thanks for the permisson - the computer didn't explode, but it did start to stutter 🙂
Dear Vanessa
Thank you for sharing this wonderful experience. Yes the computor did explode but only with pleasure!
I am fortunate in that I can attend a branch of the Metropolitan Community Church which is fully inclusiv. It even accepts 'straight' people!
Hugs - Christina
Jessica,
I still think we DO need validation in relation with others, we are after all social creatures. But bottom line is that it can't even begin to start if we can't love ourselves. So you are absolutely right on that score. Here is hoping that once we feel validated by ourselves, we begin to find the courage and the base to present to the world as a fully realized person and then validation from others will come, or maybe more important, we don't live off of it, but live in a way that others might want to be known and validated by us.
On a side note, I'll have you folks know that Vanessa is an absolutely delightful and wonderful person to know and love. I consider the day I ran into this site as a watershed day in my life. She is as cute as a button and has walked into church and sat with us twice, full of confidence and I think not with an air of conceit, or ego, but more of, "I'm an interesting person and you should WANT to know me." I'm sure she is a wreck inside, but at least she has done it. Even I am still only wearing hidden panties to church... but maybe with her example I too will one day be able to enjoy Worship of the God who made US, in the way I was made to be.
Kudos Ms Vanessa, your friend and sister in Christ.
Vicki
Hi Vanessa,
I thought I'd like to share my experiences with proper bra fittings (8 out of 10 women, we know, wear the wrong size bra). I searched the web and came up with a great site that has videos on fittings, care of our intimates, bra stories, etc....all you have to do is follow the links....the site is
www.macys.com/fitmatters .After I saw the videos, I went to my local Macys and arranged for a fitting. The salesgirl was an expert. I was wearing bras one size smaller and one cup size smaller. Long story short, I purchased 2 Bali bras and received a 3rd one free on the spot, plus I used my 15% off coupon (love those coupons!!) They were so nice and understanding at Macys - BTW, I wore a bra under my male shirt and was fitted in one of the dressing rooms with absolutely no problems. I was treated like a lady.
Patrice (NY) rjb7839@aol.com
The real truth is that i was able to pass a girl at the age of seven or eight, and yes i did pass even in school where most thought that I was a girl
Terri yes this is how my name really is on my birth certificate do to the fact my parents wanted a girl
thank you vanessa , I do love myself, thank you though, and you are right , its one of the hardest things to do.
tracey x
Tracey-one of the hardest but also one of the most valuable and rewarding as well!
All great!
Thank you Vanessa..... for a wonderful article. I really thank God for awesome folk people like you. I already feel better about myself..... God bless you
Vera Jane.
Love my self I do and only getting better thanks for a great article!
Yes, well said
Hi Vanessa,
Thank you so much for this article, it made me smile. Coming from a Christian home, it’s nice for someone to at last say that I have permission to love myself for who I am. I realise there are so many denominations of Christianity but who of them, really appreciates different people. Didn’t God through the bible say that we should love one another as we do ourselves, then why do so many Christians have an aversion for everyone and anyone who is different?
Thank you,
Renee Xx
I love myself for who I am.
Thank you Vanessa.
This article made my day 😂
Thank you Vanessa for the wonderful advice. God loves everyone just the way they are and any church that teaches otherwise is just wrong.
I have to add my thanks for this one too 🙂 I was there last night, saying this to myself and it felt soooo good. I may also have written a rather in-ya-face post on another thread about how well my day went en femme 😳 Sorry, I'm not normally one to flaunt it when I know there are others on here who aren't able to get their girl on, but I was rather overcome by it all and just had to celebrate and let off some pink steam!
