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I have posted before about how my desire to dress is not constant, some times it is all consuming and other times it is absent. Well, this evening it is at a low. These times used to make me happy as I was free of the urge to dress which I saw as something of a curse. Since accepting CDing as a part of me I am generally much happier, but now when the urge is not there I question all my decisions. "Why do I do this?" "Why did i feel the need to share this with my wife?" "Why do I spend money on women's clothing?" "Why do I waste my time on CDH?" "Why an I sitting here in a black micro fiber night dress looking at my painted toes?" I have gone through all this before and I do know the answers to these questions, but the doubt is still there. I find that writing about it helps. previously I have just written notes in my journal, but now I am sharing it with the CDH community in the hope that it may strike a chord with someone else and may be helpful.
Writing is helpful as it forces me to organize my feelings and thoughts so I can put them to paper, or to a forum. I also try to keep a minimal level of dressing even when I am not feeling it. I'll still wear my night dress to bed and still wear stockings to work tomorrow. I don't dislike wearing the clothes when I am not feeling the urge and they help to remind me that I have accepted this part of me.
I am trying to understand what is happening on a psychological level. For most of my live I have hidden DeLora away, she would only come out on rare occasions and it would be accompanied by shame and anxiety. Now I have allowed her to become a part of me, but I think it is taking a bit of getting used to. I wonder if she is some times retreating and hiding away, of if I am so used to hiding her that I still do it unconsciously. Maybe I am making this more complicated that it really is.
Either way, I know who I am and I know I'll feel whole again very soon as this usually passes in a few hours.
Hi DeLora!!
I can really relate to how you feel. When I was a kid I told my parents I was really a girl and they freaked out. I was told that only perverted, crazy child molesters wore woman's clothes but that was how society thought in 1966. Growing up I loved wearing woman's clothing but often felt ashamed and guilty for doing so. It took me too many years and too much therapy for me to break free of the BS and realize I was not alone, I was not perverted, but instead I had a desire to dress feminine. In my case, I have come to terms with the understanding that I am a girl in a boy's body and have known it all my life. I tried hard to not accept this about myself all those years and over compensated trying to be male. Society can be cruel too but it is changing for sure!! You need to ask yourself why you are possibly feeling guilty about your desire to Crossdressers and realize there is nothing wrong with it. Who are you hurting!??
Hugs, Brenda
This very much strikes a chord with me. and from what I've read, it will with many, if not most others as well.
I went from trying to understand my cross dressing so I could find the best way to stop doing it, to trying to accept it, yet still trying to understand it out of curiosity, and to try to come up with an explanation that might make sense to others if I ever need one.
It seems perfectly normal for the urge to dress to come and go. I've gone months where I haven't felt it myself. Even during those times, I remind myself it will come back, because it always has. Sometimes I can feel it building slowly. Sometimes it hits me like a freight train. But it always comes back, even if I feel like it never will.
Accepting your cross dressing doesn't have to mean totally rejecting your male self. Just as you probably had times in the past when you tried not to cross dress, and then eventually got over that, making yourself get dressed when you aren't feeling it doesn't do you much good either. Try to learn to enjoy being whoever you feel like being at any given time.
Seemingly wanting to experience both ends of the gender spectrum is something I'm still trying to work through my mind myself.
Hi DeLora,
I am no stranger to the ebb and flow of my desire to express my feminine side. Human beings are known to be tied, to some degree, to the Luna cycle. The same cycle that causes the tides to rise and fall. Very few of us are truly consistent in our desire to do anything. Maybe that’s as true of crossdressing as anything else. I know that even as I feel the desire weaken that it will return and when it returns that it will reach a new high water mark.
I wish you all the best on your journey
Jillian
I understand.
Times these feelings are particularly intense lead us here in search of the long-needed answers. One year ago it all struck harder than before and I joined CDH and it just got worse and worse until I had to come out to my wife. Then it got bad... but that passed. Times come and go and things work out but with every acceptance comes more uncertainty. It is all temporary, even if the norm changes.
Hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
I think the way society is has caused you (and the rest of us sometimes) to think like this. I'm glad the feeling of doubt tends to pass and I wish you luck. 🙂
Roxy641
Hi Delora,
Thanks for writing this.
I am kinda in the same boat at this moment.
I question why I do this.
I will never be able to be a full time women.
It hurts my wife and would hurt my family and friends.
I even had a transgender friend and me and my situation seemed to hurt her.
But I love it so much .
I love feeling pretty.
Why Is that so wrong?
Sometimes I feel like I am adrift trying to find my way.
hurting every one that loves me as I go.
Patty