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My wife and I are in a DADT status with my cross dressing. We have actually not talked about it since I told her about it about 20 years ago. Recently we had a discussion while driving about the reason for the lack of recent sex. She had recently seen me in dressed accidentally. She is a night owl and usually sleeps till noon. I usually daily take advantage of this and dress for at least two hours each morning. She had come out about a month ago to get some water and caught me dressed. She told me that she is not attracted to women and it disturbed her for a while. I think we are over this episode for now but how have others dealt with this issue.
@dianas1960 Diana, I am a bit beyond DADT with my wife, and although she knows about my inclination to wear feminine clothing, she really does not want to see me fully "dressed", so I stick to underdressing and wearing primarily feminine clothes that look androgynous. She is not turned on by me even marginally presenting as femme, so much so that even wearing heeled boots, or a bracelet gets a negative reaction. Although I tone down around her, it has not stopped me from desiring further exploration of my femme persona. Unlike you, I have never been out in public fully femme. For you to have made that step and traveled as well is something of an accomplishment.
I will say that being in therapy has helped me come to terms with my own feelings about where I am on my journey. Being able to communicate with my wife has helped both of us navigate this together. Even though she is not "turned om" by my dressing, we are able to talk about it and share somewhat openly. She has moved from pretending it didn't exist, to tolerance and acceptance. I would love to get to a situation of actual support; however, am content with the progress we have made in the past 3+ years since I fully came out to her. None of this has by any means been easy, especially for her as she wants to see the fully masculine man she married. The foundation is this: we still love each other and want to stay together.
I hope that you can find a way (and the words) to talk to your wife about how you feel.
Hugs
Evie
@3s3eve I tried initially but she was firm on the issue. I very much love my wife and try to live up to her wishes. It does cause me to sneak around which I do not enjoy that aspect but I do enjoy my feminine time. I especially enjoy going out in the world fully dressed.
I was in a DADT with my last GF. I could dress when she wasn't around, and crucially, I could take an occasional weekend to socialize in nearby Palm Springs. That's what worked for me until I came to the conclusion that I'm trans. We amicably split 2 years ago. We're best friends now.
I should also mention that I've been in gender therapy for the last 8 years. That made a huge difference.
/EA
@emilyalt At a younger age I questioned whether or not I was trans. But I came to conclusion that I liked being a man with a sometime feminine side to me.
Everyone is different Diana. There's a lot of truth to the statement 'You do you'. Glad you figured out what works for you.
/EA
It depends on what you feel deep in side. I do not know if my wife is attracted to women...I doubt it, but that is not an issue. I am a guy in a dress. While I enjoy dressing en femme, and occasionally do it fully in front of her, she knows I am still all male.
If she does not like seeing you in a dress...don't wear a dress in front of her. There are things I enjoy that my wife doesn't like, and things she does I am not not fond of, but thwr are lots of things we both enjoy and do together. It is a mattwr of finding a balance in any relarionship.
@jjandme Unfortunately we are both retired. My time alone is the house is extremely limited. I have to sneak around while she sleeps.
Diana -
Like you I have a couple hours in the morning when I am able to dress while my wife sleeps. The house is pretty quiet so I can hear if she wakes up. I keep drab clothes nearby and if I hear her I change in case she comes down. There have been instances where I have spent the day with her dressed and she has had me try on outfits os she can make sure they fit right, so it's not really a DADT situation. I only dress around her when she is okay with it though. I will either ask or most of the time she will suggest that I dress.
My wife is not attracted to women either but she does think of me as a girlfriend when I'm dressed or we do girly things (going for mani-pedi's, shopping).
XOXO
Suzanne
@cdsue I wish that my relationship was more accepting like yours. Unfortunately it is not. At least she does still want to stay and it did not end in a divorce.
My ex wife was completely against any type of crossdressing. But we developed our own version of DADT As long has she didn’t see or find anything she seemed ok. The problem was she would search through my things and I would often get careless and leave something out or not hide it well. She would get angry when she found something. She wouldn’t talk to me and there was zero chance of intimacy. She would threaten divorce and outing me. After several weeks things would settle down and eventually get back to our version of normality. This went on for 25 yrs. I even stopped dressing for periods of time. One day she walked in on me and saw me in just a of pink panties. This was the only time she ever saw me in anything fem. We never recovered from this and after 4 years of living separate lives I filed for divorce.
in a perfect world your wife would accept. But in most cases that will never happen. Short of stopping altogether . You just have to be diligent and keep things out of site. I learned to not keep anything in the house. Dress only when I was positive I would t get caught. It’s a hard thing to do. When the feeling hits us it’s almost impossible to stop.
if you can open up better dialogue with your wife . Maybe you could come to some agreement. It was never going to happen with my ex but hopefully you can fair better
Natalie💋💋
The problem was she would search through my things and ... She would get angry when she found something.
Ouch! She was setting herself up to fail.
@harriette it was more important to have something she could hold over my head and manipulate me with than her own failings
@splitdecision Yes, but if she got what she wanted, then she would lose. It's a "be careful what you wish for because you just may get it" situation. Not a great plan.
@splitdecision I am fortunate in that she does allow me my own space. I have an office in the house and that is where I hide my female clothing along with other stuff. I have always suspected she knows about that space but she never does root around in my stuff.
@dianas1960 eventually I moved all of Natalie’s clothing to my business workshop where I also had a comfortable office. I would go in early several days a week and spend a couple of hours dressed. Often doing desk work. It was an enjoyable relaxing time. I would also start my underdressing there for the day and change back before heading home. I did so after my divorce and after I remarried. I sold that property last year and downsized my fem clothing. I just primarily underdress and stealth dress these days
Damn, I identify with them all, my wife doesn't want to know anything. Live in fear of finding something of mine. I'm desperate to get dressed, and she's always at home.
Kisses from Carla
@carla66 I retired last year and was very much looking forward to all the alone time at home. Initially my wife was going to continue working. She is 3 years younger than me. However she decided to retire as well.
It seems to me that any marriage that has these sorts of provlems have more serious issues then dressing. Granted, some of us have supporting, accetpting or at least tolerating spouses, but I see bigger, deeper issues at play. The biggest issue it seems is poor cimmunication. This is a hard subject to talk about for both spouses, and so having a neutral third party referee seem important. This is what marriage consueling is for.
@jjandme I agree that some marriages like this have underlying issues. But there is simply many women who aren’t interested in or willing to accept their husbands crossdressing. There are accepting wives and non accepting wives and everything in between.
I knew before we married that my ex wife would not be accepting and when I came out to her during year 8 I found that to be 100 percent true. I tried to explain my feelings, assure her I wasn’t gay or that I didn’t want to be a women. I gave her information to read and learn about cding. She wanted no part of it. In her defense she was not given the opportunity to decide before we were married. But a real loving and caring spouse would or should be willing to at least discuss the topic.
my ex realized this situation could be beneficial to her but not in a good way. For her it was something she could manipulate me with, hold it over my head. We tried therapy but she didn’t get the answers she wanted so she refused to continue. I continued by myself.
I now understand that my ex is a narcissist.
Her lack of empathy would never let her understand or accept something like this in me or anyone she would be with.
@jjandme Neither one of us is a fan of counseling. I do agree that communication is not our strong point. We do however enjoy each other and this seems to be our only big issue that in not ever addressed. I have learned to live with the fact that this is a part of me that my wife will never participate in or want to see.
@dianas1960 A benign intolerance is an okay place to be if both parties agree to it, hence counseling to achieve such a state. Counseling is just a communicatiin tool and hopefully a counselor will be fair mediator and referee of such discussions.
Couple typical have activites that one enjoys and the other wants no part in. She doesn't have to agree with it or like it, but a neutral thrid party can help her, and ppssibly you, u nderstand that this is a common thing, hurts no one and is a reasonable thing to do.
My wife and i have kind of moved beyond DADT with counseling. I’ve hidden it for years being very careful. Now I’m of the opinion I don’t have to hide as much so my fem clothes are in the closet and drawers but I still keep them away from her eyes. Once in a while she’ll see an item of clothing I’m sloppy with. Frowns and moves on. She absolutely at this point does not want to see me dressed. She looks close at my face when she gets home from work, she can usually tell if I put on eye makeup especially mascara and eyeliner and asks if I dressed that day. She wants to know how often at times i feel. She even showed me some of her eye makeup remover and said use this to get it off. And generally I still feel quilty when she finds clues, although she doesn’t berate of belittle she’s very patient with me. I have some confidence at times though. 7 months progress so far and it seems so slow with therapy.
