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Hey ladies. On this last day of 2018 I figured I’d share a little update as I’ve been absent for a few weeks now.
Its been a wild last month or so. I’ve had a few highs but there have been quite a few lows. My current low has been since coming out to some friends and my fiancé as trans and expressing my desire to transition, my already dysphoric mindset has been going a little more crazy. I am accepting finally that this has to happen and I need to align my image with my personality and mindset. My issue is mirrors. Every morning, waking up and seeing a guy looking back at me has pushed me into a state of ignoring a lot of social media. I know it won’t be long from now that im able to see the woman I’m meant to be in my mirror, but my current image has pushed me back into a depression slump.
I did get out on a girls trip with my fiancé a few weeks ago and it was incredible. Well, for me. She made it quite clear that she knows I’m not a man and understands my need to transition, but she also is not ready for it. While we had a great time, she kept her distance somewhat all weekend. It hurt a little that she wouldn’t let me hold her hand or even hold a door for her but I can understand her point a little. For 2 years, I’ve been the “man” of her dreams. Now she is trying to reprogram her thinking to see me as the woman of her dreams instead. We took a long drive while we were out and it was silent for a good 2 hours. After a while, she broke the silence and told me “Regardless is what happens, I love you for you. You will always be the person I dreamed of being with. Man or woman, I will be with you forever. It’s just going to take time for me to see you as my wife instead of my husband.” Tear jerker? Yeah... my eyeliner and mascara were at my chin before she could say I love you.
We have decided that HRT will begin next year. She understands that this means I will not be able to give her another child as she wanted but we have made the decision to bank “some of me” for when the time comes to try for another. Our biggest concern now is telling our son that daddy is not daddy. It will be some time still before we need to do this but it’s a constant battle I’ve been having.
My last major hurdle lately has been my parents. Particularly my father. I told him I’m part of the LGBTQ community and he just seemed to ignore it or didn’t know what that meant. He is very homophobic and 100% transphobic. His reply to me was “We will have to agree to disagree. Gays and lesbians do not belong having children as it will likely push the child to be gay themselves. And trans parents are unnatural and wrong. That should not be allowed. You are either man or woman. Period”. Did this hurt? Yes absolutely. I hope that in time he will be able to see me as his daughter and not his son. He will be my biggest fight through my transition. While I hate to say it, I am fine with he and my mother cutting ties with my family for a while during this journey. I understand it’s a lot for them to accept, I just hope that one day they will welcome us back as if nothing ever changed.
So this has been my last month. Hopefully 2019 turns around and gives me some sense of direction. Have a happy new year everyone!
💕Skyler
Skyler
Thanks for sharing what is going on in your life with us. As I read your post tears came to my eyes. I am glad to hear your love is standing by your side. I hope 2019 will be a year filled with happiness, love, and acceptance.
Higs
Kayla
Hi Skyler,
Your message has brought tears to my eyes. Your fiancé is truly a beautiful person. I'm so pleased you two are working things through together. I hope the next year gives you as much happiness as possible. There are bound to be people who won't accept. Put them to one side for now and tread the path you need to.
*hugs* Jasmine
PS. The mirror thing is a pain. I've hated using them for years, but since I've started to dress constantly at home I find the moments I am in drab and faced with a mirror I now see feminine hints first and focus in on them. Given that you are so pretty in the photos you have posted, you'll get to see that woman you are soon.
Hi Skyler , I sincerely hope 2019 is your year. You have been through so much emotional turmoil. Its a shame about your parents, but they can go one way or the other, i'm sure if I had told my mother, had she stll been alive, god rest her soul, she would have been against me too. I wish you a happy and fulfilling new year and love to your fiancée for being so kind and supportive for you 🙂 .
Fiona xxx
Thank you for sharing and after wiping back my tears I hope the best to you and your family as your journey takes a big change in course . Happy new year .
Stephanie 🌹
Good luck in your journey, I can't begin to comprehend the amount of strength required to do this.
Happy New Year and may all your goals be realized.
Love;
Lisa 🙂
Skyler,
Hi Sweetie, I so understand the mirror thing! I too have always hated my appearance in mirrors and photos. I rationalized my feeling by telling myself, "Your just a ugly guy", when in truth I always wanted to see a long haired, pretty girl looking back at me. I understand that today and it helps me when I'm getting ready for work and I must spend that 2 or 3 minutes minutes in the mirror getting ready for work in the morning.
And you are so lucky to have your fiance by your side as you go thru your journey. I don't pretend to know what this will be like for you when you start HRT, but I hear her saying that no matter what, she will be by your side. One thing I've learned in life is that life constantly changes. People will come into your life and some will also go. We learn thru experiences with other people and then move on to maybe learn another lesson thru another person. Life is one big school for the soul and everything that we experience in life is designed to teach us whatever lessons we need to learn. If eventually the two of you do decide to go your separate ways, that's OK too, you never know what the future holds for you. I know your looking for love, acceptance and support and she is telling you that she has decided to be here for you. But what's even more important is that you learn to love and accept yourself, no matter what you see in the mirror. You are very important Skyler and you can never truly love another person until you first learn to love yourself. Until you love yourself first, all your relationships will be based upon emotional dependence and no relationship survives the long road when built on that. I don't want to sound Cold or insensitive to your feelings Skyler, I just want to tell you like it is.
I really hope and pray that everything will go good for you and you get all you need and want in life. (How I often wish there was HRT when I was your age). I know you will get thru this, just keep focused on the end result and before you know it, you'll be t here.
Big Hugs, Brenda
Skyler,
I wish you both every happiness and that your journey continues to be with a loving partner! As far as your child (and any future children) I wrote the post linked below a few years back after holding my nephew after he was born. Maybe it will help give hope for the future.
Cyn
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/could-this-be-the-first/
