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My mind is all over the place and since I am the only person who knows about my husband all he wants to do it talk to me about his desires. He is so relieved that he told me and happy he has someone to talk to about it. I am so confused and do not even know how to start wrapping my head around it all. I starting reading a book about wives of crossdressers and was telling him about some of the stories and he got angry because some of the wives in the stories couldnt accept their husbands dreasing as a women and it changed the relationship they had as they viewed their husband differently. I am ot attracted to Women and he has asked me to help him dress-up and do his makeup and at this time I cannot do it. Just looking for advice or someone to talk t . Thanks.
Tammy;
I don't know what I can say to help with the hurt and troubles. It's perfectly normal to not be ready to help with dressing and makeup and he needs to realise that he needs to allow you time to process. If he spends anytime talking with the CDs on this site, he'll get told that time and time again.
There are some excellent reading materials available, but perhaps best yet, there is a community of Significant others on this site that may be able to help you much better than I. I'm not sure who can give you access to the group, but after this introduction, I'm sure one of the ambassadors/site admins will invite you to the group to be able to talk with others.
In the shorter term, perhaps your husband should also be on this site, or talking with other CDs who will quickly put him straight and tell him if he wants to keep the relationship, he's going to have to make it a lot easier for you, and give you time to process, and that you may never get to the point where you want to help with makeup and dressing (but you will never if he treats you badly)... Once a CD gets that message and realises that they really don't want to push you away, then the hard work of communicating as a 2 way street begins, ... Sigh, I'm about to ramble and say too much.
Welcome Tammy, and thanks for reaching out. I really hope we can help you and your husband.
-Molly (Husband of 30 years)
Tammy. Shame on him. My comments come without any background except what you provided. Well, duh! Of course it has already changed your relationship. As to his demands of you accepting on face value? If you were told you had a cancer wouldn’t you get a 2nd or 3rd opinion. Simply being human you have the luxury of a “gut reaction”. As a spouse I am sure you’ve done not your favorite things, but, of course, tried to be supportive. Maybe seeing a movie you didn’t want to or a vacation spot not of your choosing. However, as with everything there are limits. You have already expanded yours by trying to gain an understanding. There are many analogous correlates. Take hem on face value. As if he joined a cult or changed religion (if you are very religious). Or asked you to accept that he is having a relationship outside your marriage. How can you not seek some independent information. Gain knowledge. And you may never accept it - despite understanding and appreciating it. AND, THATS OKAY! How dare he force this upon you...I apologize (though I’m not sorry) for being so vehement about this. But I will offer one last bit of unsolicited advice, you are either in 100% or not.
Hi Tammy,
Thank you for your very honest post.
Your husband is still the same person. Lets assume he had not said anything, and carried on dressing in private, and you never found out. Would you have preferred that, or would you prefer he was 100% honest with you.
I am a secret dresser, married and with the same partner for 28 years.
I do not want my wife to know, because I don't think she would accept it, but I do feel guilty not telling her. But, I love being her husband, and I don't want to 'be' a woman, I just love to dress in private.
Nikki
I am sorry to say that your husban recation is somewhat tipical. Mist if us dont share with anyone out of fear of losing that person. But once we do! We tend ti go way over board because we have a lot of time years spent alone with our cd ways, and now qe just want to share Everything and we forget that it takes time for the other person to catch up to us and qe are hust so so set it to have someone to share with that we go way overboard and we forget to take your feelings into consideration.
For me ut took my wife a year before sge was realy acapting. Just read as much info about cd life as possable. And being here on this site will truly help the both of you.
Please take your time to digest this information as needed, this would be a huge shock after 20 years. If you feel like it's too much information too fast please ask you're significant other to back off for a little bit until you have had a chance to think it all through. Seeing as you came here for advice kinda have a feeling that you do deeply love your spouse and just need some hints on how to handle this situation.
Cynthia
Tammy,
I guess that at least now you know. And this knowledge is likely to rock the foundation of your relationship. Some really strong marriages have ended over this, there is no denying. But also, it may turn out to be a positive thing. There was a tall and wide barrier in between you two. All the secrecy and shame and fear which have been there from the beginning have been shattered. (Because for the most part, we tend to be ashamed in our lives about our dressing, and takes a while to get over it. We fear that we are going to lose the person we love the most laying down this secret on them).
Also shattered is the idea you might have had that you "knew him well". And very likely you will be feeling that you can't trust in somebody who keep something like this from you for 20+ years.
Among all those pieces, you can re-start building into your marriage, because I'm sure that there have also been good things which will make it worth it to give it a try.
Now, we know you were left without anybody to talk to in your everyday life. I think you are feeling a similar shame as to how he felt before. But I'm glad that you are here and you will be able to talk to other wives and SO's who went or are going through similar situations. They will tell you that accepting your husband's cross-dressing doesn't mean that you will become his doormat. You can't be his cell keeper either. He may be expecting that now you can be girlfriends and go shopping together. Well, who knows? Maybe at some point... but you will need to set your boundaries. You can't control how he feels or does. But he can't control that in you either. So, you don't have to be a part of it... not now, and maybe not ever.
However, unless he is behaving like a real jerk and treating you badly... that guy who you may think looks silly (or worse) wanting to wear a dress... he is the same guy who has been with you in your lows and would (hopefully) give his life for you and your kids, who you have told him time and time again to put the toilet seat down (Hey, now you will be able to at least have him do that!!).
So, if you have a good marriage... this doesn't have to break you/it. It may never be something that you can fully embrace. But you can't never know if you don't give it a try, right? Talk to each other, see about setting those boundaries, and hopefully at some point you will be able to think that it may be worth it.
Gaby ♥
Ooh, Tammy
I'm really sorry this has come as a shock to you - really no idea?
This my own take:
He must have really cared, really sensed it would be upsetting for you, and tried desperately and meticulously to hide it, living in fear of being found out, bottling it up from everyone.
He thought he could hide it, and stop whenever he liked, then realised one day that actually, it's an important way for him to express himself - and no different in reality to women wearing trousers or leaving off the makeup.
He probably even discovered that the stresses and mental discomforts he had by hiding it felt lifted - 30 years of stress gone in one conversation - the relief must've been tremendous, like the weight of the world being removed.
Unfortunately, like Atlas he didn't appreciate that Hercules didn't want that weight either, and 30 years of stress is a lot to take on at once.
He 100% needs to slow down, and you need to restrain him, as gently as possible so you can take it on board on your own terms and decide how much is comfortable for you right now.
It might be that you don't want to see it right now, so that is what you should ask for, and expect, and pacify the disappointment.
My wife won't accept me dressing around her, even after a year of me fully coming out, and 20 years of not hiding it very well.
So she booked me into a hotel, and sent me off for a couple of days to see how far I wanted to go.
As closeted cross dressers, we have no idea until we've tasted the freedom we crave and need.
This word need is important.
By going away twice, to the same location, I know I'm not trans, gay, or looking for divorce. For a fact.
I also know I love my wife and family, would not go off with someone else even if I was drunk and they were practicality begging me to, and I know that I need to cross dress as often as possible, without upsetting anyone.
It's almost impossible to find the compromise, but love finds a way. Love always finds a way.
Let love be your guide.
I know I said to treat him gently, and I think that's right - but, for the record, my wife screams at me whenever I bring the subject up - which isn't often. Maybe once a month.
Point is, shows the power of love that I don't scream back!
I know first hand how difficult it is for a man to come to terms with cross dressing.
When I fully realised, aged 13, I tried to kill myself, pretended to my parents and everyone else that it was an accident, and went from a relatively happy kid to a morose teenager and long-term depressive.
Since accepting Laura, I am more positive, not depressed, and have gone up several steps in the employment ladder.
I absolutely know that accepting this part of me has brought about this dramatic change.
So don't despair - he's still the same man you fell in love with and married.
Unless he's found out that he's not. Unfortunately, this can happen.
A friend of mine came out as trans, just before I accepted Laura. The Two events are linked. He's fully transitioned now, but her wife loves her new wife, and her children love their new mummy.
This is your task - to find out, set your boundaries for now, and help him find out what he actually wants.
To be bessie girlfriends with the wife is a great sign, no matter how tasteless you find it - and that won't happen overnight.
My final recommendation - pack him, clothes and makeup off to a hotel 100 miles away!
Works for me/us.
...and communicate regularly, but set limits. It's a lot to take in.
Love Laura.
Hi Tammy, I'm Patty
My wife of 26 years is at most tolerant of my crossdressing.
It has been difficult with my wife also.
First and most important my wife thought I had lied to her all these years because I had these feelings.
I hadn't, I loved her very much and I was and still am attracted and Love her the same.
Society has taught men they can't have a feminine side for years and a lot hide their feelings.
I am not attracted to men
She started out supportive helping me buy and try on cloths at good will and other stores.
However as I started acting feminine it bothered her more and I had panties on one night when we became intimate.
Also I became too consumed with crossdressing
That was a big turnoff for her.
We had a serious discussion and the divorce option was mentioned for the first time in our marriage.
after our talk I came to the conclusion I love my wife very much and we came up with a arrangement that our marriage can handle.
I can dress however it should never be brought into our intimate life and I try not to dress in front of her.
Although she is saying now its Ok for me to dress in front of her.
I have to keep my feminine side somewhat under control.
Long story short you both need to talk about where you stand and find out each others feelings.
Then see if you can come to a arrangement that will satisfy each others needs without jeopardizing your marriage.
Some people say you shouldn't set boundaries or you can't compromise but a marriage is a very valuable relationship to me and any marriage has compromises in it.
He is still the man you love he just wants to enjoy the wonderful joys you girls experience every day.
The beautiful outfits,shoes,shopping painting his nails.
I understand My wife feelings as my wife said she didn't marry a woman.
Please try to understand his feelings and make sure he understands yours.
Please don't throw your marriage away
Love Patty
P.S. If you allow him to explore his feminine side, be careful as he may become consumed with all these wonderful feelings help keep him grounded.
I hope this helps
Two words: Marriage Counselling.
I now this means sharing the secret with at least one other person, but it's also a way of helping the two of you talk about it in a guided, neutral environment.
When I came out to my wife (after 15 years together) we did counselling and found it extremely helpful.
We also told other people - close family at first - simply so we both had someone to turn to if things got tricky.
Welcome Tammy
And thank you for reaching out to try and get an understanding. The dynamics of each relationship and the individual personalities involved is complex. Common to many long term commitments though is love, open honest communication and mutual respect for one another. Patience is needed from both of you.
It can be a tough obstacle but it can be overcome with a better, closer relationship emerging.
He needs to slow down, and you get to tell him that!
Be strong, love long
Couple of genuine questions:
Why should the fact he wants to dress a certain way affect the relationship?
It's analogus to saying "I married a girl in a dress. Why aren't you still wearing dresses? That impacts our relationship that you choose to dress differently."
Complete nonsense - or did I miss something?
2. Why is it like joining a cult?
A. It plain isn't. It's admitting there's something different, something special.
3. Nothing but nothing is forced on you. You are free to leave. You are not a prisoner.
However, the same cannot be said for a cross dresser. We are trapped until we flee or are set free. It's not a choice. We don't really want to hide, but the world used to be a really harsh, like physically harsh place for us.
Unnecessarily.
The magic of the internet and sites like this give perspective.
We have been imprisoned unnecessarily, for doing nothing wrong, except going against what society says we may or may not wear!
The fashion police are slowly dying away, and common sense is taking over. Finally! It was what, 50 years ago that David Bowie started wearing dresses?
I see it in the streets of ordinary towns, and hear it when I talk to ordinary people.
I see successful businessmen transitioning after more than 20 years of marriage, keeping not only their jobs, but their wives an children too.
True love conquers all and makes no apology.
I'm an ordinary person with hopes and fears, and a lovely, growing family. I do not wish harm to anyone, only peace and prosperity.
Except maybe to the guy who played loud music until 11pm last night. I hope his stereo dies a quick and painless death...
Love Laura.
I can’t offer anything other then my wife and my experience. The other ladies comments here are on point. I will say the thing my wife and I have is a understanding. That is, I cannot change how she feels, and she cannot change how I feel. We have been together for 17 yrs and she has known for 15 yrs of those 17 (before we were married), so our situation is a little different. As far as her attitude on it overall after all this time she is tolerant bordering on accepting, has bought me some things over the years, doesn’t really complain about it, has asked to see me dressed a few times and so on. She has however, made it clear she doesn’t want to participate and that’s ok, I respect that. That is our understanding of each other when it comes to dressing. Rest assured there have been many are you gay, and do you want to transition type questions over the years. I understand she needs the reassurance and we move forward. We don’t have a perfect marriage by any means but we always make things work for us whether it be dressing or some of the other million life events that like she has said to me “if it’s just you wearing cloths meant for women, that’s a pretty small blip to get over in the grand scheme of marriage.
My advice as others have basically said is to take the time to find each other’s understanding. Be honest with him, and he needs to allow you to process in your own way in your own time. Ask him questions make sure he knows you are asking so you can better understand where he is coming from, and not attacking him. Bring up your concerns, it may spark what seems like anger in him, but understand this is a thing that has been bottled for a long time and the feelings of telling someone may take some getting used to for him as well. Patience is a virtue.
Obviously if you are researching the subject you believe he is worth it. I was hoping for much the same things he is when I told my wife, but she isn’t capable of that fantasy, so I would much rather have her in my life then push something on her that doesn’t make her comfortable. I made sure my wife knows that the fact that I told her and no one else ever in my life is, at least in my mind, a testament to how much I love and trust her. I’d be shocked if your husband would be too different in that regard.
Thank you so much for answering my post. I talked to my husband a bit more and told him about this website. I hope he seeks it out and asks questions. He has asked me so many times if I know why he wants to cross dress and I do not have the answer I do know that he gets so upset and angry at times and withdraws fromme and the children. I will keep talking to him.
Thank you for giving me your perspective. I do not feel like cross dressing is a cult. I thi k hiding this from me for 20 years is hurtful and makes me question my trust. I think his eagerness to move forward right after ge told me and his anger he express when I fo not answer how he had hoped is a concern for me right now. Like I said my mind is all over the place.