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Am I a Crossdresser or Transgender?

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Posts: 44
Duchess
Topic starter
(@courtneynwi)
Trusted Member     Valparaiso, Indiana, United States of America
Joined: 4 months ago

Hello Ladies,

I have been doing a lot of self discovery lately and am somewhat confused when it comes to am I a crossdresser or am I possibly Transgender? I love being Courtney and there are times I would like to be her all the time. There are times I wonder what it would be like if I could trade bodies with a Cis woman for a month to live life and experience everything as a real woman.

But then there are times I just want to be my male self….oh the confusion…any advice or insight you Ladies can offer here is so much appreciated!

Courtney

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4 Replies
(@veroslondon)
Joined: 6 months ago

Reputable Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Posts: 239

@courtneynwi  Hi Courtney

 

I think you've answered your own question. I have been involved in some therapy/counselling recently and the therapist has asked me a few times if I hate my body or if I feel extreme discomfort when I present as a man. When I answered "no" truthfully to both questions she seemed to conclude (although of course therapists never conclude anything) that I was not transgender but just simply wanted to spend more time presenting as a woman. The issue we are continuing to grapple with is how can I do this without hurting those close to me. If I was transgender apparently I wouldn't be overly concerned with what others think/feel. I hope this helps, it's certainly helped me.

Veronica

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Duchess
(@courtneynwi)
Joined: 4 months ago

Trusted Member     Valparaiso, Indiana, United States of America
Posts: 44

Thanks Veronica,

Yes, I also see my therapist weekly and she has asked me those same questions…she also asked if I wanted to present as a woman full time which I also answered no to. But if I am being honest with myself, there are times I do want to…I feel so much more comfortable dressed en femme (not just because Men’s clothes are more prone to be more scratchy and harsh feeling…lol). I have a sense of peace and happiness within Courtney I do not have in my male self.

Guess my therapist has her work cut out for her with me…

Courtney

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(@veroslondon)
Joined: 6 months ago

Reputable Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Posts: 239

@courtneynwi Hi Courtney

I chatted some more with my therapist this morning about this very issue -- how much do I want to be Veronica? -- and the only thing I could say was that I just wanted it to be more than now. I said I didn't know exactly where the "sweet spot" is -- is it 50/50 female/male or 70/30 or some other ratio. We are trying to explore how I can spend more time as Veronica but haven't made much progress.

Veronica

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(@rachelatshop)
Joined: 6 years ago

Eminent Member     Midcoast, Maine,, United States of America
Posts: 43

@courtneynwi 

I think what you described is how many of us feel, I so look forward to the chances that I get to get all dressed up as Rachel and spend time as girly as I can be, and there is rarely enough time to spend in girl mode. But I'm also perfectly happy being my male self and would never give that up.

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Posts: 22
Lady
(@eveatlast)
Eminent Member     Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 3 years ago

I think to quote Nikki Just Nikki (sorry I don't know how to make this a link but she is a member here)

I’m not a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a man and a woman that share this body”

Sums me up perfectly and from what little you have said sounds similar for you. If you wanted to use what might be called technical gender/sexuality language I am AMAB, Bi-gender, Femmesexual and monogamous  but even that is only vaguely helpful as we are all very complicated beings.

Take time (and most important have fun) discovering yourself.

Eve xx

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Posts: 431
Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Prominent Member     Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 7 months ago

It can take some introspection to try an figure things out. I would suggest that if there are times that you enjoy being your male self, then TG seems less likely. However, there are therapists out there who may be able to help you ask yourself the right questions.

I'd also note, that these are just labels (and even then, you've defined only two). The whole thing is a broad spectrum and you may find that your place on it isn't exactly one or the other of these, but some shade that's a mix of both. 🙂

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2 Replies
Duchess
(@courtneynwi)
Joined: 4 months ago

Trusted Member     Valparaiso, Indiana, United States of America
Posts: 44

So true Melodee! So now to sit in my thoughts a bit and have continued discussions on this topic with my Therapist 

Courtney

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Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Joined: 7 months ago

Prominent Member     Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Posts: 431

@courtneynwi Good luck, girl! And remember, the first 'answer' you may arrive at, may not be the correct one, or may change over time! Be patient 🙂

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Posts: 1372
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Noble Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

If you have to ask, you probably aren't transgender. At least not currently. Take time to explore these feelings and thoughts, and find good counseling to help you organize your thoughts and see where it takes you.

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Posts: 256
Guest
(@Anonymous 87077)
Reputable Member
Joined: 1 year ago

I think gender identity is a spectrum, and we can be both a crossdresser and transgendered. I feel such a strong feminine side and the clothing is just a tool, but my feminine identity comes from inside. I also do not want to abandon my male identity. So both are an important part of who I am. When I am presenting as female I want to be as feminine as I can be. I do spend most of my time as a man, so my time as a women is very important to me. Best wishes Courtney.

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Duchess
(@courtneynwi)
Joined: 4 months ago

Trusted Member     Valparaiso, Indiana, United States of America
Posts: 44

Agree Julie…..Courtney is Me, I am Courtney…I denied her for a very long time but now have fully embraced her….and like you, when opportunity arises I dress to the nines and love doing my makeup and styling my wig etc…

Interesting thought I/We can be both Crossdressers and Transgender….never thought of it that way….hmmm.

Courtney

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Posts: 777
Lady
(@mary)
Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 3 years ago

I love dressing enfemme. But, I also like stratching my balls. And are quite attached to them. And it doesn't matter how I present, I'm not attracted to men, (even if trans)and the thought repulses me. (If that's your bent, that's cool. I'm not judging you. Just stating how I'm wired.) 

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Posts: 2300
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

A much debated topic confused by the labels being announced on a regular basis. It seems to be understood or be diagnosed we have to conform to certain conditions to be considered transgender or 'other'.

Therapists tend to follow a script hence different girls being asked the same question. If you have lived a life in a male body and followed the male rules there are things you do, or have done as a male that you wouldn't really want to give up. Also if you have family considerations and social implications that will sway your answers. Here on the forum I have seen a reflection to the answers given that indicate an answer that could be yes to being full time. It's all the implications that will lead to a skewed answer. It appears to be a constant issue for the more mature in our community.

I have lived a long life in a male body but any opportunity to express the real me was taken. In that time I developed things I enjoyed as male so have things that I do that can't be given up as on occasion my presentation will change. The rest of the time I am in female mode, I knew when I was very young being female was what I wanted to be. In essence I have transformed from male to female life, am I transgendered, there is a vestige of the male life, am I a crossdresser. I got used to my body it functions in both modes so am not unhappy so does that preclude me being transgendered.

Had I have been born today perhaps the opportunity to be understood and accepted could have led to early interventions to become female where living as a male would not have happened so the dilemma we find ourselves in would never had happened. 

 

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Posts: 341
Duchess
(@carolcorbett)
Reputable Member     WNY, New York, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

I am in agreement with everyone that talks about being transgender being a spectrum. I initially identified as a Crossdresser but as I got to understand myself I realized I was more transgender. Now that doesn’t mean I need to have to go for all the surgeries and my position on that spectrum may be fluid. What I’m trying to do is just taking it day by day experimenting a little and then seeing how I feel.  You don’t owe  a definition of yourself to anybody and maybe not even yourself. Cut yourself some slack just enjoy the ride, take notes and don’t worry about what will happen if you…..   Just take it day by day!  Lastly share the love and be kind as life can as life can be short.❤️

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Posts: 576
(@lauren114)
Prominent Member     Connecticut, United States of America
Joined: 7 months ago

I share the view that transgenderism is a spectrum.  As I see it, this spectrum ranges from crossdressers on one end to full on transwomen at the other.   After many years of soul searching, self torture and finally, counseling, I came to the conclusion that I am a transwoman.  Exactly what this means to me remains to be seen.   Right now, I'm working to integrate more and more of my authentic female self into my everyday life.  I'm out in the world as Lauren multiple times per week and it's starting to feel like second nature to me.   Where I go medically, is open to question right now.   I have health conditions that might make HRT unwise but I do hope to start at least low doses of estrogen.  Depending on where this goes, I might consider surgeries but that's down the road a bit.   In a general sense, I'm very much a crossdresser but in my mindspace I am a transwoman.  In any case, I am fully enjoying my femineity right now!!

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Posts: 1093
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Noble Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

The concept behind the transgender spectrum was to establish an umbrella term encompassing all flavors of people who present as opposite to the gender they were assigned at birth. That includes someone who crossdresses maybe once a year on one end all the way to someone who is on hormones, had top/bottom surgeries, lives full time and is married to a male on the other end and every variation in between. So by today's definition, we are all on the spectrum somewhere, so we are all transgender.

My place on the spectrum = a non-transitioning crossdresser who lives full time as a woman.

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1 Reply
Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 2 years ago

Reputable Member     Northern, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 326

@d44 Well put Fiona!

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Posts: 100
(@dovemtn2016)
Estimable Member     Tucson, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 3 months ago

I like it, Fiona.

Christine

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Posts: 984
(@reallylauren)
Noble Member     Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi ladies,

My story has been told before in numerous posts here on CDH, but there have been some major updates.

I knew, when I was a very young child, that I was supposed to be a girl. That knowledge followed me throughout my life. Not only the knowledge, but also the way my body responded to puberty. I never grew an Adams Apple, my voice didn't deepen much, I always had a baby face, I developed hips, bumm, thighs, and B-cup boobs. The ultimate part that most boys grew, their male private parts, didn't grow at all. Recently I developed a condition very common to women and had to make a trip to the ER.  It was there that my life changed.

The lady doctor who came to talk with me had made a thorough look at my medical records and we had quite the conversation. She told me that I had contracted something relatively unique to women, a Urinary Tract Infection, most likely due to my unique anatomy. She told me things about my childhood, asked my lots of questions and wondered why doctors had never mentioned anything but just scratched their heads.

She said, "Lauren, you came here identifying as a transgender woman, I'm here to tell you that you are more than that. You are an intersex person, your chromosomes are XXY, your hormone levels are high in estrogen, and you have undeveloped male privates." She then placed her hand on my knee and said, "Lauren, you are a woman!"

What I had always felt was true, I am a woman. But I was forced by the culture, expectations and norms of the then current society to perform as a male.

I did get married to a girl who liked my gentle feminine nature, and we had two children. She died of Cancer in 2014. I met a very pretty and feminine girl and we became fast friends.  We married in 2016 and all was fine until, what I now know was gender dysphoria, revealed itself. Actually, it was 'the woman inside', who has always been there, announcing that it was her turn to live life. I announced that I was transgender to the world and life rapidly changed! My wife said we needed to separate and I needed to find my own place for awhile so she could think about things.

We've always talked each night, and are now seeing each other on a regular basis. Going shopping, out to eat, and going for walks. She told me that finding out I'm intersex allowed her to realize I was born this way and there is nothing wrong with me. She accepts me as a woman, loves our friendship and wants to remain married, refers to me by my feminine name and, when talking to friends, refers to me as she/her.

So, long story made short. I truly was a crossdresser, but the clothing I crossdressed in were the male clothes I was forced to wear. The feminine clothes were 'my clothes', what I was supposed to wear!  So, am I transgender? Technically yes, but being intersex creates its own place on that spectrum.

Hugs girls, big hugs,

Ms. Lauren M

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Posts: 1383
Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I think maybe the question itself is the problem. Let me explain.

We are always conforming to other's expectations. "You are male. You should dress a certain way, wear your hair a certain way, behave a certain way." When we try to break from these expectations we are pushing back against the social norms.

But when you ask "Am I a crossdresser or transgender?" you are doing much the same. You are conforming to other's expectations. Here it is not about male versus female, but other's expectations about the labels.

Why do we have to use labels to put ourselves into little boxes? Labels should be starting points of a conversation, and not ending points that confine us. And not everyone has the same definition of the labels either.

We use labels (or categorize things) as a way of trying to make sense and simplify the world. Rather than having to memorize each tree we see, we categorize them as having a trunk, branches, and leaves. Then we see something slightly outside that categorization and either create a new category or expand the definition. A pine tree has needles instead of leaves. Is it still a tree? A bonzai tree isn't really a tree, it is just a plant cut to look like a tree. But we still call it a tree.

We can say something similar about being a crossdresser or a transgendered person. Each person has their own definition of what that means, based on their own experiences. (Am I crossdressing if I wear jeans or a pullover shirt from the women's section that doesn't look like necessarily feminine?) And we are not two-dimensional people, we live complex lives. We can live in multiple boxes all at the same time, even if they sometimes seem to contradict each other.

One thing I have heard is, if the answer to a question doesn't change anything, the question itself may not be relevant.

You have already answered that you don't hate your body or find extreme discomfort presenting as a male, and don't want to present full time as a woman. (As others have said, this may change over time.) That gives direction to your life right now. Confining yourself to one box or the other (or partially both) is restricting yourself. These are just names to tell others about yourself. But you can do that without the labels too.

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Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 12 months ago

Honorable Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 405

@alison-anderson a beautifully insightful post Alison xx.

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