Am I the badguy?

First I'd like to extend my sorrow to you for the splitup. Life is hard and when we(CD) throw in that curve it is really hard. I won't say I understand a woman's point of view on this because I am not one.

I can however say that I NEVER let me secret go to my ex wife.  She never knew and I was miserable because I did not dress at all while we were married. It was always there but I suppressed it and I know that was a factor in our eventual divorce. And I didn't tell her for many reasons not least of those was shame.

Once free of the marriage I went overboard. I bought everything I needed plus some. I dressed to some degree every week. But not every day. It's a part of me yes. But not the entire me. I don't want to always present as femme, and I also don't want to be told when I can or cannot. Now obviously there are times when Trisha can't come out to play and that's fine. For me it's more of freedom to do so and I do when in the mood.

Long winded answer.  Sorry

I guess we just want to be accepted for who we are. Yet the fear of complete rejection and humiliation from the ones we love the most is so powerful that we bottle it up until we either explode or ruin those relationships anyway.

It is not easy dealing with being a CD. It's fear, it's shame, it's unacceptable to most and its our life.

I am more than willing to answer other questions for you. Just post or message.

Trisha.

No one can tell you how to feel but it seems like you and your ex need to have some honest conversations. If your ex is not into counseling then go yourself and see if you can make peace with tge from side of your ex. At some point you may even find he is willing to go to counseling with you. My ex was ok with some fem dressing and our split had nothing to do with the cd. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman. She has accepted the panties and is willing to discuss other fem clothes. Who knows if you two keep talking maybe you will fall in love again.

Hi Lori, I am a life-long crossdresser and no one in the world knew until July this year when I finally came out to my wife after 40 years! I just felt it was time to be fully vulnerable so we could have more intimacy. We are still dealing with the initial fallout. She is where you were - feeling betrayed, wondering about the future, what else I'm hiding from her - I was very good at being a sneak!). I'm so sorry you had to go through all that you did. It is different when the issues we deal with come to light in our own homes.

It sounds like your SO isn't so interested in transitioning, or may be but is afraid to come out to boss, friends, family. He was brave enough to reveal his most vulnerable, intimate side of him to you. It shows how much he trusted you, and you are to be praised for trying to learn and make what you can of the relationship.

He really should see a therapist experienced in gender issues. They can ascertain what is the best path forward and help him sort out his feelings. I am seeing a gender therapist and a couples' therapist with my wife. We were seeing her before this, but it has been so helpful for us. I don't know if we'll be one of the lucky few couples that survive. When I was young, this was considered a mental illness and deviant behavior. Now, we recognize the complexities of sex and gender. Most of us are deathly afraid to let anyone know about our secret, feminine side b/c "big boys don't cry".

When I came out, I thought just revealing my CDing would be freeing enough to make it ok - and just dress when I was alone, but not hide from my wife. I can't blame my wife for not wanting to be with someone totally different in appearance than who she has known. I feel like she would get a fully-supportive GF in addition to keeping her husband, but it may be too many personalities in one bed.

If you want, please feel free to message me either publicly or privately. My wife also joined this site, and may see some of these posts eventually. We haven't discussed HRT in depth yet - I want to consult with a doctor later this month and then we'll see.

Hope you can find some answers - if you can't here, there probably aren't any better places to ask!

Brielle

Lorie I can understand how you feel. It must have be really hard for you.

Thank you for posting this. No, you are not the "bad guy"; you are in the majority of cis-females who have not been exposed to the concept of "getting in touch with your feminine side", so are instinctively opposed to seeing it expressed. Very few of us have wives or SOs who are accepting and supportive in the beginning. Most have to work at it, and a few simply cannot accept a man who isn't 100% male. Acceptance takes time, and may require counseling for both of you.

And on our side of the aisle, much of society still regards us mentally ill and potential child predators. Most of our acceptance has been on the coattails of the gay community, which is much more active and visible than we are. It is no surprise that most of us are very selective when it comes to outing ourselves; the consequences can be serious. Nevertheless, we continue to Dress because the compulsion to do so is irresistible. I can only hope things turn out well for both of you.

Hugs,

Lulu

The really important thing is that you're trying. That's all anybody could possibly ask. I wish mine would!

You aren't the bad guy. There are no bad guys, just people being people.

I hope everything works out for you and your ex.

Connie

xxx

The bad guy here is societies bigoted expectations and demands on gender issues.

Hi Lorie I just read your post. You are not the bad guy not even a tiny bit. You are a woman that is simply attracted to a man. Perfectly natural nothing wrong with that. You have said its fun to go to drag show and enjoy the performers. Your situation is not a drag show and husband may or may not be a performer. Performers are very skilled artist who practice and practice to get their performance right. He is simply trying to express how he feels inside. Many woman are truly afraid what they will see. But reality is nothing has changed but his outward appearance. Some only want to express their desires alone and in private. Others find true love and want to share the secret they have had their whole life. When one feels rejected it is just a horrible day Finding love and trust is something we all want. I am not sure what your SO truly wants. Sounds like he has gone deep and gone into denial. He has to begin to trust you again that takes time and honesty on your part. You may simply say I would love to see you all dressed up. He may surprise you and you may see there is the person i feel in love with just presenting in different clothes.  You could help him be the best he can be. You maybe surprised that a man with no secrets can be loving and committed to everything you have desired. I am sorry you felt that he wanted to take your place as the female in your relationship. My wife has made it clear there only room for one queen in our household. It was ok for me to dress up and try to emulate as long  as what expected from her king takes place without fault. True friendships are built on trust there is no criticism just acceptance of who some one is a person no matter what. I wish you a lot of luck most likely  if you are sincere he will feel it and come out. Stephanie

Lorie😢

you are not the bad guy, you are a wonderful person for reaching out here and trying to salvage a friendship.

The crux of this thing we do is that it tears through the fabric of societal and gender norms and expectations. As well as wives, partners, significant others it can also affect our mental health. feelings of fear, shame, guilt.

Fear that we or our nearest and dearest will get abuse for us daring to be who we want to be,

shame at being perceived as something less of a man, less of the person we are supposed to be, strong manly drab,

guilt at being this way, why are we like this? having this burgeoning femininity inside us.

Why are some people gay? Why do some people like dogs, some cats? Why do some need solitude and some are gregarious? Why do some women love make up, heels, dresses, and some just want sweatpants sneakers and a tee? Same with men!!! It’s just the way we are, have always been, but most bury it to be seen as ‘normal’.

I fear these negative feelings may be affecting his ability to be friends. Not your fault at all.

Most of us can, and have to restrict this femininity to hold down a ‘normal’ existence within the rules laid down for us to follow in society, so only let our feminine side out sparingly.

Plus sometimes ex’s just can’t be friends! It’s not the right or mature attitude, but maybe he resented you not loving and fully accepting his feminine side, and just can’t get over it.

I was married 14 years, only after the divorce did this side of me emerge, no longer subject to the fear of losing my ‘normal’ life. It was giving up on the hope of ever finding a woman who would love ALL of me that finally set me free to explore this half of me which had been buried under a lifetime of masculinity and being who I was supposed to be.  I’m not blaming women at all, I understand how difficult it must be, especially when this subject is thrown into an already established relationship.

I wish you all the best.

❤️Bianca

No, you're not the bad guy - the bad guy wouldn't bother to come to the best CD site on the Internet for advice, and wouldn't last long.

Well done you for reaching out.

It's a strange world we inhabit - but we do try to leave it prettier than the way we found it.

😍😍😍🤗😘

This is not a reply per say. I am Lorie,I lost access to my email,and had to use my old one,and don't have that page. 🙁 being the author of this comment , or actually question in the forum, I would like to add a couple things, Thank everybody that has answered as of yet, and also reply. I realize I wasn't very clear on some of the particulars, but I felt almost like I was intruding. I am somewhat envious of how good everyone is to each other. Being the Odd man out, I almost was afraid to breach the sacred space that is there. I did know from the start, but I don't agree that "it's on me" nor do I just feel "it's on him" things changed, that much I do understand I would like to think that at least I know part of him well, and that part is not the kind of person that intentionally would get involved knowing that I was very serious about him, and eventually he was with me too.I guess I kind of answered that part for myself in knowing that the original outcome (well what seemed like it was)became so much more intense, and wasn't being addressed most certainly in a way that he felt was fair. I am not perfect,and times like right now, I miss his arms around me letting me rest my head on his chest and hearing the comfort of his heartbeat, and feeling so safe. (sorry, I didn't mean to get emotional) I just felt that I should be up front about the mistaken identity. again thank you all so much.

Although I crossdress I identify as a man, but I often question if I am many enough. We tried to have a baby, but it transpired I’d a low sperm count. Sometimes I think real men can make women pregnant. This man couldn’t does that make me less many? This is the one of the reasons why I want to crossdress

Lorie,

There is no right or wrong way to react when you discover your husband is a crossdresser.  We (crossdressers) hope for a particular reaction when and if we come out.  Ordinarily, if the majority of the members here represent “normal”, it is not the reaction we are looking for.

From what you have written, it sounds like your initial reaction was “normal”.  But the fact that you want to salvage something of your relationship shows that you are “above normal “.

We all desire to find out our SOs are not normal or ordinary, but rather extraordinary.  It is the fear that we may find out our spouses are indeed normal that keeps many of us, myself included, from taking that leap of faith.  I couldn’t blame my wife if she behaved “normally”.

I can only hope that society can shift and crate a “new normal” for crossdressers as it seems to be doing with the LGBTQIA+ community. They have made great strides, although it seems to have taken the better part of my entire lifetime.  Yet, there are many in society who still can’t or won’t accept them.

By the definition of “normal”, we (crossdressers) are not the normal, so it must be hard for you and other SOs to accept us.

“Normal” is learned, but can be changed.

I can only pray that you learn to accept, then embrace, then encourage your ex and those around you, shift what is “normal”.  If enough people do, I and other crossdressers, now, may not benefit, but those who follow, will.

Thanks for your kind comments Lisa, I know I’m being silly but this was the way I originally felt. Just being honest x