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I've been saying in various posts and PMs for a while, that I am looking forward to making friendships as Fiona, and learning to build and nurture those relationships the way a woman does, which is so absent from even my close friendships as a man. The little adventure in this thread I hope is a starter on that endeavour - not the wrong word to use in the context of someone in whose male persona the autistic spectrum is quite relevant.
I mentioned when I came out to my family via email back at Easter, that the only truly supportive family members were my son, and my aunt. I went to see my son as Fiona quite early on in my time as myself this summer. In fact so early, that it's getting to be about time I went to see him again - I've got a couple of weekends' time mentally pencilled in for this.
Yesterday however, I went to see my aunt, who lives about 80 miles away. We'd emailed back and forth a few times since my coming out, and I've felt so supported by her, we've both been looking forward to finally getting to meet - both again, and for the first time. I'd picked out the dress I was going to wear, and even which bra I'd need to work with it. I got up with the alarm and after a quick breakfast and a shave, started on my makeup. This ended up going on longer than I'd have liked, but in the end I was happy with the version of me that smiled back from the mirror with a bit of a sparkle 🙂
I was out of my front door about 9.45am and quickly into the car in the rain, and off I set. It all went very smoothly until I got on the M25 - about which, enough said, except that I should have got up an hour earlier 🙁 But from the moment I finally arrived at my aunt's house after some 2¾ hours and stepped out of the car, it became a wonderful day again 🙂
We've not seen each other in years, but I was greeted with a big hug, which I don't think we've ever shared before. Her housemates were also lovely and welcoming with hugs, even as total strangers to me. We shared some chat in the kitchen and I felt totally accepted just as being myself. Because I'd been delayed en route, it was soon time for my aunt and I to head out in my car to a local Thai restaurant in a pub in the village for lunch.
It was a very nice meal indeed, superb food and wine and all the better for the completely open and honest conversation we were having. I don't think we've ever spent any time together before outside of family gatherings, I had a sense of really starting to get to know her more as a person for the first time ... and presumably, vice versa. Although she's seen me grow up from a baby, Fiona is completely new to her, but it would seem, very welcome. I feel so supported by her, as much for being myself as for being the one in my generation of the family who is now 'outside of the norm': in turn before me, so was she in hers. It's the whole thing of 'The road less travelled'.
After lunch we returned to her house for a cup of tea and I was so honoured to be given some jewellery which had belonged to her late civil partner. A lovely Victorian chain with a tassel, and some beautiful earrings in a 3-tiered round design which will work really well with the length of my hew hair. I am simply going to have to get my ears pierced now so that I can wear them! 🙂 All too soon however it was approaching 5pm and time to head home, and there were even bigger hugs on my departure than there had been on arrival. We would both very much like this way of meeting up and proper full conversations to become a regular thing.
The journey home was absolutely free-flowing and a whole hour faster, I suspect mainly due to a certain football match that was going on at the same time 🙂 I got in my front door in time to see the injury time of the second half, followed by extra time and then the glorious penalty shoot-out 😀 That's the first time as Fiona that I've felt pride and joy of success in a sporting event (but happily, very soon followed by the result of the British Grand Prix this afternoon).
This had been one of the fuller days I've spent as Fiona, certainly in terms of distance travelled but also the personal and emotional experience. And it wasn't over yet. There followed the most glorious sunset, a river of clouds on fire that turned orange, then red, then finally fading to a dusky mauve in the waning pink afterglow. A more perfect and fulfilling end to such a day, I could not have wished for 😊
I'm going to have to read this again (and again and again) in order to take in its full glory.
For now though, I'll limit myself to:
1) Oh. My. God.
2) THIS IS SO WONDERFUL, and
3) 
To summarise: Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
Megahugs
Ellie x
@ellyd22 Thank you my lovely 🙂 If this is anything like what female relationships are about, all I can say is "more, please". And more there shall be 😊
It seems only an hour or so since I was wittering on about Sartre, his drinking buddies and living authentically and here, in your own words, is the reward for doing just that ❤️.
This is another heartwarming account of your new life, Fiona and it has just occurred to me, if you ever decide to collate your posts, what an interesting book that would make. Just remember me in your Booker prize acceptance speech 😊.
Hugs
Allie x
@alexina That was a lovely PM my dear, thank you 🙂 You know, it never really occurs to me that I'm living authentically, to me I'm just getting on with living. I think it will be truly authentic when I can take it for granted that I'm going to be doing things as Fiona and just go do them, without them being (hopefully wonderful) first experiences of doing them en femme.
It has also occurred to me that the assembled mass of my posts on here does rather serve as a diary charting my journey this year. My earlier idea of writing long-running blog threads was deliberately so that I could collate my thoughts and experiences in one place for my later reference, although that turned out not to work so well as writing separate threads like this one for separate events.
I don't know about interesting, but if it would be helpful to other girls wanting to emerge and not just an exercise of sheer vanity, publishing some form of curated collection might actually be something I'd look at doing once I get the time. A project in retirement, if I ever get there! As a well-known publisher of his individual posts in book form though, I don't think Jeremy Clarkson has much to worry about just yet 😉
Hugs right back lovely,
Fiona xxx
Hey Fiona!
Your recent experience reminds me of the first few times I socialized with other girls as Liz. Little did I know those experiences were the beginnings of friendships that would change my life. Those experiences were so unlike anything I'd experienced as a guy. There was depth and emotion in our conversations that NEVER existed with any guy friend. We were connecting on an entirely different level. Connections on a level that most guys are incapable of....or avoid.
That happened over five years ago. Many of the girls I met then have become the dearest of friends. I now have dozens of close friendships with women. Each of them enriches my life in ways I didn't think possible.
In reality, it feels inadequate to say these women are dear friends. I have relationships with them. Yes, those relationships may be physically platonic. But we share an emotional intimacy too. They are chosen family.
I'm so happy for you! I can't wait to hear the next chapter. I hope one day we can write one of our own!
Hugs,
Liz
@emilyalt
Liz, thank you so much honey *hugs* I hope we get to write that chapter together too 🙂
The sort of friendships you're describing are exactly what I'm hoping to develop over time. If it's not too much of an imposition though, I'd be interested to know when your close friendships started to form, relative to when you started HRT? You've described in other posts it being like your brain was rewired, do you think that was already changing the way you related to other people when you started meeting your friends?
I'm wondering because, one of the ways in which I think I might always have had some latent femininity is in the male friendships that I form. Typically very close, but very few, within a wider circle with whom it feels that things never really progress further than 'acquaintances'. My two friends that I've come out to are those who I've always been able to have very in-depth emotional conversations with, not just about Fiona, but in one case going way back to our school years together.
That said, I've always actually got on better with women in general, but as a male it's been difficult to start friendships with women when either side is in a relationship. As Fiona, I'm now more drawn than ever to chat with women when I'm out and about.
Big (gentle!) hugs back 🤗
Fiona xxx
Darling Fiona,
You are the first person to ask those questions. Good on you. Honestly, I haven't given it any thought. I'll do my best to articulate an answer.
I knew by early 2019 that I needed to start meeting other girls like me. It took a few months to find a site where it felt safe to make those connections. Unsurprisingly, it was CDH.
When I joined CDH, I still considered myself a crossdresser. I had no idea what, if anything, came next. I knew the only way I could answer that question was by being myself while making friendships with other girls. That happened pretty fast. Within a couple of months, I'd met several girls. We quickly got on and started socializing every few weeks.
I discovered the friendships I was building with these girls was totally unlike the friendships I had with guys. They were much more like the friendships I had with women that knew me as a guy. Those women would tell me that I wasn't like other guys. They'd say I was more like one of their girlfriends. I never really understood what they meant until I started building friendships as Liz.
This all happened in 2019 and early 2020. Then the pandemic hit. By then I'd built strong friendships with a handful of girls. I'd also lived enough as Liz to know there was a lot more to be discovered. But the pandemic limited our interactions to what we could do online.
We started getting together again as soon as businesses were allowed to reopen. It was almost as if nothing ever happened. I was spending occasional weekends in Palm Springs. Living authentically. Nurturing friendships and building new ones.
By early 2021, I knew I was trans and I needed to transition. I took a few months to research what transition might look like. HRT seemed like a reasonable first step. I took my first dose on September 1st. Almost 3 years ago.
I've said that HRT rewired my brain and that's true. More specifically, it cleaned up the lousy wiring done by testosterone. That's what it's like if you're trans. The change is profound. I started feeling emotions for the first time. Physically feeling them.
The impact HRT made on my friendships is that they got even stronger. I began to realize that they are more than friendships. We have relationships.
Sorry for this long response. I needed to write this out to answer your questions. Thanks for sticking with me.
It didn't take very long to build strong friendships with the girls I met early on. That happened well before I decided to transition. Being on HRT allowed the emotional bonds we share to get even stronger. The relationships I have with my dearest friends are the most meaningful I've experienced. I know I could say that even if I wasn't on HRT. Sisterhood is a bond we all share.
I hope that opens a few doors for you Fiona. I imagine you'll have more questions though....
Big gentle hugs,
Liz
@emilyalt Liz, thank you so much for such a candid response, it means a lot that you took the time to marshal your thoughts and write them down to answer my questions.
You're right, that does allow me to think in some different directions 🙂 Which doesn't necessarily make things easier, but certainly helps me to approach them differently. Further questions might be a slow process with me, but thank you for being there if any do come up.
Love & hugs,
Fiona xxx
@emilyalt I totally agree with this Liz - "the friendships I was building with these girls was totally unlike the friendships I had with guys". It's wonderful to have trans friends where everyone feels like just another one of the girls. And when you have this kind of friendship with a GG woman, it's so extra special.
Thanks, Liz (and to Fiona for asking this question), no apologies necessary. In fact we should be thanking you for the detailed answer, er, like I just did 🤔.
Now, I have no desire to transition, I think I have the best of both worlds in that I get to keep the body that I've grown accustomed to and enjoy many of the benefits of my feminine aspects.
This matter of friendships is particularly intriguing to me. Like Fiona, I have a sizeable (but, sadly, reducing as time passes) number of male friends, but I'll call them friends rather than acquaintances, most of whom I've known since teenage days. I did have two close friends, with whom I shared much but not my crossdressing, but one died earlier this year and the other seems determined to shut himself away and wallow in self-pity until the reaper comes for him! This despite my numerous efforts to maintain contact and our relationship but, in the words of my deceased friend, "What can you do?"
But back to the reason for my reply, I have made new friends here and have been shocked (and delighted) at how close I feel to them and the ease with which I've found myself sharing things that I've never shared with anyone before. I've considered whether this is due to the crossdressing connection that I have not experienced before and also if I'm being influenced by the enthusiasm of others for attributing many of these new aspects to my "inner woman".
The conclusion I've arrived at, is the same as the two Fiona's and now, your own, this is a very real part of accepting, embracing and giving voice to my own feminine aspect. I will tell you now, as I write this and see the words on the screen, there is a lump forming in my throat at the release I feel from suddenly knowing this!
Joining this community is most definitely one of my best decisions ever and the sense of regret I have that I didn't find it sooner is more than compensated for by the absolute joy of being here now. I look forward to meeting some of these friends in person in the not too distant future.
Hugs
Allie xx
My dearest Allie, I'm really looking forward to exactly the same event 🙂
It's always just seemed so natural to share within these pages. I think the way that CDH is run has a lot to do with that, fostering the right sisterhood and community atmosphere.
In turn, it brings out in us as individuals, that sense of belonging. We feel that we can allow ourselves to be fully visible to each other. We are able to get to know each other on here really rather well, before we ever meet physically - which many of us may still never do, but for those who can, there's already so much there between us, to hopefully make some really special friendships 🤗
@finallyfiona Wonderful!
I don't know if I will ever find such a soulmate. I thought that I came close once.
@harriette Although she's a wonderful supportive woman, I'm not sure the term really applies to my aunt. I always think of 'soulmate' as the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. I don't know if I've found them either, although my OH is certainly the closest I've found. I hope that person appears in your life soon though honey 🙂
@finallyfiona Well, I don't know who that could be now, but I am still trying to make this one work the best that I can. 🥰
@finallyfiona Sounds like a wonderful day (and evening!)
I am simply going to have to get my ears pierced now so that I can wear them!
Go for it! I had my ears pierced 18 months ago. I wore simple titanium studs in guy mode for about a year, and then bought some simple white gold hoops. I've rarely got any comments in guy mode, and any I've gotten have been positive.
But I can now wear any earring I choose without having to attach it to a clip-on converter and worry about the pain in my ears after a few hours. I'm also less likely to lose them with pierced ears than with the clip-on converters.
@alison-anderson Oh I'd love to get my ears pierced, and for exactly those reasons! But mentioning the earrings to my OH on the phone last night, I get the impression this would be part of a larger choice that I'd have to make. We need another conversation next time we're face to face.
@finallyfiona Oh Fiona, I hope your OH doesn't keep you from getting your ears pierced. You could promise to wear only 'male appropriate ' earrings. A lot of men do, even big tough macho men.
Good luck to you and give your aunt a big hug from all of us here!!
Cassie
@loneleycd You never know, my aunt might read your post herself! I've given her the link to this place so she can see what I've written about my feelings as this journey has progressed, and the lovely sisterhood that we have on here 🙂
It's a complicated one with the OH. There's a lot at stake on both sides, but I suspect that her attitude towards any visible aspect of Fiona (or what she sees as being of Fiona) is only ever going to be uncompromising. We'll have to see.
A wonderful account of your day Fiona.
I fully expect that there’s going to be many more to come xx
@lucyb112 Thank you Lucy 🙂 I'd certainly like to have plenty more days like this one, where I can develop relationships as Fiona.
@finallyfiona so happy for you sis! Having acceptance and outright love given by a relative is a great feeling. The acceptance we all crave is more important when it’s someone close. Hugs. Perky❤️
@missylinda Thank you dearest *hugs* I can totally agree with all of that - isn't it just! 🙂
Fiona xxx
Hello dear friend,
It is a wonderful feeling to be accepted, even though I haven’t told a close friend or family member. I have met with a couple of CDH friends, just to do regular things, the feeling is so fulfilling, can’t even imagine what may be like to have the unconditional support of someone who saw you grow up.
I am very proud and happy for you, thank you for sharing with the rest of us.
carla❤️
@carlafirst11 Thank you so much Carla *hugs* I'm not sure that I can describe the feeling either! Obviously my aunt is no stranger to me, but over the years we've not been close or seen each other very much at all, but I do hope we're going to be changing that in the months and years to come. A first step would be a regular chat on the phone like she does with her girl friends.
@finallyfiona This is simply a wonderful story. So glad that you've found acceptance in your family and that you've had a fabulous day.
I also like the sound of the long drive en-femme, having driven for an hour a couple of times en-femme and found it an enriching experience.
Hugs
Anna
@annaredhead Thank you Anna 🙂 The more that I drive as Fiona, the more normal it feels, that it's just me driving. I'm definitely driving more like my male self than I did initially. It still has to be done slightly differently though - my seating position is marginally closer to the pedals due to having thinner soles on my shoes, and particularly my peripheral vision with my hair down is not as good so extra caution needs to be taken. The thick end of three hours without a stop is definitely still too long though 🙂
@finallyfiona I've kept the same seating position, but have noticed the same thing over having long hair and peripheral vision. I've only driven my automatic as Anna, not tried my manual yet.
I've not had an issue with the pedals despite the different footwear, however I have noticed a difference driving in a dress and it's tightness on my thighs.
My daily driver seating position is very low to the ground. My work vehicle is a 4x4 which would be interesting to get in and out of in a dress.
@annaredhead I only got to drive my automatic once as Fiona, before it was written off in April - RIP. That leaves two of the same modern-classic car, and a 25-year-old campervan, all manual. With having taken the garage-queen for the run out on Saturday, I've now driven them all as Fiona 🙂 It is indeed quite interesting getting up into the van in a dress or a skirt, longer and looser works better!
@finallyfiona At the traffic lights in my car, I could feel someone in a van getting a good look at my legs, I didn't dare look up! I'll get round to trying the 4x4, it's a proper one, not a Chelsea tractor
@finallyfiona At the traffic lights in my car, I could feel someone in a van getting a good look at my legs, I didn't dare look up! I'll get round to trying the 4x4, it's a proper one, not a Chelsea tractor
Not a cross dressing story but relevant just the same. I was driving a truck towards central London on the M4 years ago and there was quite a snarl up in the traffic and everyone was just edging forward. My own, inside, lane moved just a fraction faster than the next lane in which there was a small car with a small sunroof. Looking down from up high I could see right down into the car and there was this genuine girl, how shall say, amusing herself. Her skirt was up to her hips and one of her hands was in a most intimate place. I couldn't see her face but she must have know that drivers in high vehicles could see everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING else. As a younger man, I found it kept me amused (not in the same way, I hasten to add) for a good five minutes until the traffic picked up speed. Whether she finished what she was doing before speeds got up to 70mph, I'll never know. I don't think it was her first time.
@finallyfiona It feels like my cheeks turned red with joy while reading this story. This made me so happy. Thank you.
@finallyfiona I am so happy that you had such an amazing day. I am glad you aunt is so supportive and wants to spend time with you.
Hugs
Paula
@paulapantyhose Thank you Paula 🙂 I have to say, she's been an absolute revelation, I always thought she'd 'get it' about my coming out, but to be so fully accepted and treated as a woman right down to the very nature of our relationship, is wonderful.
@finallyfiona congrats Fiona I am so happy for you. It is so wonderful that you continue to feel more and more comfortable with all these new experiences the world has to offer for you! I’m having a glass of Rose’ tonight in a toast to you! You’re an inspiration to all of us!
Hugs
Ginger
@ginger1968 You're too kind to me Ginger 🙂 It would seem, the world feels comfortable with me being as I now am, and none of that is anything that I ever expected when I signed up at the start of the year. Cheers! *clink* 🥂 🍷
@finallyfiona Oh Fiona, you have no idea how happy I feel for you after reading your post. Days such as yours only happen to a select few and are a distant dream for many. Your aunt is special indeed so cherish every moment with her. Btw, the dress you chose was perfect! Hugs, Jillleanne
@jillleanne Thank you so much honey! *hugs* That's so nice of you to say. My aunt is indeed a wonderful, open-minded woman and we both want to make our little lunch date a regular thing 🙂
What a lovely day for you Fiona. I could only dream of spending time en femme with someone who would accept me as I am. Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99 Thank you Chrissie 🙂 It might be a bit of a long shot, but if you didn't have the dream, you'd couldn't ever have it come true - so fingers firmly crossed for you hon 🤗
What a wonderful day Fiona and full of joy for you. These are the stories we love to read as girls spread their wings. Even the M25 didn't dampen the joy.
Thank you Angela 🙂 This has definitely got to be one of the best highlights of my time as Fiona so far.
Ah, Fiona you've got me tearing up, what a beautiful day!! Well except for the traffic in the morning of course.
Lara
@secretpassions Honey, that's so sweet of you to say 🤗 In the end the day that followed was so worth having endured the traffic, things just got better and better after that.
It is so nice, Fiona. It was a wonderful day for you. Thanks for sharing this story.
Gisela
@firefly Thank you honey, it was a pleasure to relive the day in order to be able to write about it 🙂
Fiona -
What a lovely day for you. To be able to spend time with your Aunt and sharing with her must have felt wonderful.
Thank you for sharing and I hope you are able to have more visits like it soon.
XOXO
Suzanne
@cdsue Thank you Suzanne. It was a lovely day, and my aunt is a person that I'd very much like to continue to get to know better. It seems we've got quite a lot in common, not just the same relatives 🙂
@finallyfiona that is wonderful - I never really never got to know my relatives due to distance which I regret now - I did have one Uncle that I was fairly close to he would take me horseback riding, taught me how to shoot a gun and to drive - I always wished we lived closer so I could spend more time with him but alas it wasn't to be - I hope you get to spend more time with her and get to know each other better - shopping trips, I bet mani-pedi's would be fun
XOXO
Suzanne
As you know, I find having relationships with GG women to be an extremely fulfilling part of the trans experience. I'm glad you getting a chance to experience this for yourself.
@d44 Thank you Fiona 🙂 I think the whole relationships thing is possibly the largest social/behavioural difference between the genders. It's exactly what evolution ordered for raising children, for a start. Not that there aren't also plenty of genetic males who do a very good job of that, but you know what I mean.
Fiona, good for you and your Aunt. Finding non-judgemental relationships are the cornerstones to building confidence and does much for stress reduction . Just to have someone to lend a listening ear with a welcoming heart is worth more than many ever get to understand .Being different from what the society at large considers normal is a very lonely place many of us find ourselves in. I hope you can nurture your new reunion for life.
@tanyalynn01 I only wish I'd got to know her better years ago. Although I would have been very young at the time, I learned in our conversation at the weekend how she struggled for acceptance back in the day, when there was no internet and so little information around. I regret not having reached out more recently as my male self and become a larger part of her life. Still, it's never too late to start a proper relationship 🙂
We never really know. Had you two came together long ago without all of the added water's of time and life that feels missed, you would neither one be the person you are today . What is intensely precious to you now may not have been remotely important to you way back. I know exactly how you feel .My lovely bride and I met and fell in love way back in Jr. high in the mid 80s. we dated, broke up, remained friends then eventually our individual lives caused us to not see or talk for 32 years . Just as life separated us back then, about 5 years ago, Life also brought us back together . we first thought my goodness all of those lost years . her kids that she so wanted me to be their biological father too instead of step dad. Then our faith began to chime in. we could see where their were times in each of our previous lives that the other of us very likely couldn't have successfully coped with . had we remained a couple during those years it's most unlikely that we would have survived the test of time. However as faith also has it, we both grew and learned through those years how to become the people we are today and today's version of us are going to stay with one another until death temporarily seperates us one day .
These may be the perfect years that you and she are to become close to one another . Of course we will always wonder as will you, but we may never realize the measure of blessing that time gap may really have been. I hope you have a wonderful day.
@tanyalynn01 What wise and beautiful thoughts Tanya, thank you for writing them. I'm so pleased you and your wife found your way back to each other 🙂
