Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
"...let it all be said and done, let the sadness pass him by"
-"daddy's song" the monkees, written by harry nilsson
as my wife and i plan for our second child and the chance of having a boy comes up, i wonder what kind of effect that could have on my gender questions. thinking along this lines, i first realised that the heavy pink fog that led me here occurred within a year of my daughter's birth. in that moment, i felt perhaps my greatest shame in being a man and i wonder if it occurred after growing accustomed to life in a house of girls.
with children we re-live our own pasts and with a daughter, i often feel envious of not only her much-better-than-my-own childhood, but her girlhood. i think of all the things that would make me- occasionally, fantasise about being a girl in my childhood and all the ways i never felt like one of the guys. however, these feelings were never strong enough to reach any conclusion. i ponder if we have a boy next it will amplify these feelings as i watch his life and relate to it less, or if it will balance them out as a i see myself in him in a positive light.
any son of mine will have the advantage of not only being allowed to be as feminine as he wants by more progressive parents than i had, but the simple *availability* of the feminine by having an older sister. with that, i can assume confusion would be unlikely. of course, if a biologically male child turns out trans, there would be a LOT for me to think about myself, but otherwise i am very curious to see what a real boy will do to my own gender dissatisfaction.
i would love to hear from other parents how children have affected their own discoveries, especially in the difference between boys and girls. naturally, i am hoping to get some conclusion that makes me feel better about remaining a man, but i am also getting prepared to possibly face the harsh reality that confirms "this was never you."
hearts and rainbows,
aoife
When I had my kids I was so into raising them that CD was not even in my thoughts 99.9% of the time. My son was in 4h, cub scouts, little leage and football in middle school. Being he was just over 6 ft and over 250 lb he was desired in these sports. In baseball he couldn't hit the ball and due to his lack of speed he played center which he hated. Then because of his migraines He quit all sports. Now he graduated in 2013 and I have had more time to think about my CD which I dove into in 2019. Now we move today and the idea of transitioning keeps popping in my head.
So I guess I am saying that the raising of my son and his 2 older sisters helped me in my mind put asside all CD desires and do my best for them. because you are already out and intend to raise your kids with them knowing your CD self you will have a totally different path.
All the best to you and your family. Sandy
Hi Aoife. This brings up a lot of memories from my life of years ago. My 3 children are now adults and 2 of them have a boy and a girl each. As I mentioned in a previous post, I started caring for children when I was about 11-13 as my mother had 2 daughters around then, 2 years apart and I would give them bottles, and as they got older I baby sat them. I married and had a son, and gave him bottles and changed diapers and baby sat him and lots....lots, lots more (see below). I married again and had 2 daughters and along with my wife, when I had time which was often, I changed diapers and bathed them and fed them and raised them. Years passed and 2 of the 3 married and had kids, and just this past winter, I baby sat the 2 youngest grandchildren and changed diapers on the younger, a granddaughter.
My desires never changed, only the ability to find time to enjoy them.
Anybody here remember the Dustin Hoffman/Meryl Streep movie - Kramer vs. Kramer? I lived that several years before that movie was even released. Except my son at the time was 1 yr old. His mother decided she needed to 'find herself' and walked out. That was the farthest thing on my mind as I absolutely loved him and would never have dreamed of giving him up. I then raised him pretty much by myself along with finding a place to put him when I had to work. No vacation, no down time, I was now mother and father to him. I pretty taught him to walk, I still remember one of the times vividly. A little over a year later, he went to his mother's but only for a year as she again decided she didn't like having to be a parent. So I took him back, raised him, married again, and went to court and won custody. Best thing that ever happened to him, and allowing me to always cherish those times, good and bad, fun and sad, that I had raising him, as I do also with my two daughters.
Yep, taught him to throw and catch a hardball, went on Scout campouts, met and talked to every one of his teachers, tried to keep him challenged in certain pursuits which have paid off handsomely for him and his family. Our older daughter as an infant was a dream, her mother breast-fed both daughters and by week 2 or 3, the older was sleeping from 11pm to about 5am nightly. The younger? Ha! After the 10 PM feeding,starting around 11, she just screamed and so for 3 months, almost every night, I would (because her mother was exhausted) walk her (in my arms), rock her, until often 2am when she would get her next feeding and then she slept. My son thankfully, bottle fed, (at time sterilizing was still expected) from night 5 when either his mother or I started giving him 6 ounces, he slept until around 5AM. But then, the idiot pediatrician at 3 weeks said (and this was in vogue for about 2 years, as I read later), He's so healthy, take him off formula and start on cows milk. Stupid parents that we were, he never really recovered and had digestive problems (and resulting diaper issues) for the next 2 years.
But as I said, all through these times, my desires never faded, and it was very difficult to push them out of my thoughts, as I knew what kind of parent I had to be. I think I wrote this in one of my first posts here, I seriously considered transitioning in my twenties before marriage, and I suppose if I never became a parent, and there were support groups like CDH back then, I may have followed through, but I made a choice and for a lot of those I hold dear, it was the right choice.
Do I ever regret it? Oh, sometimes I wonder 'what if', and I have nothing but tremendous respect and admiration for those who did or are now starting to follow their desires. They also made a choice and I wish them well. But I do know that seeing the results of the choice I made, I couldn't dream of ever giving them up.
Over 60 years (off and on, of course) of caring for infants and young children. Would I do it all again if given the chance? In a heartbeat. Would I have stifled my desires successfully? I truly doubt it. You do what you have to do, and you treat those private moments when you can enjoy what you desire almost as precious as the moments of being a parent. And as we find out, life can be tough, and we muddle through as best as we can.
Be the parent they...and you deserve, but if need be, you also deserve private moments to continue exploring who you are. That alone is a lifetime process.
