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This past week my family and I took a vacation for Florida and saw more people at once than any of us have in years. Pretty quickly I was reminded just how disgusting and embarrassing I find men. Even when I feel comfortable enough in my skin and masculine role, that can ruin the whole thing. Seeing older couples, at the age where women are said to have lost their "value," but men are still desirable (if you're into that kind of thing, I suppose) and I would still choose to be the woman, if I had to be either. I just don't want to be that! Sure, I am different, I am a unique individual no matter what and come from a different generation that has a well-deserved hatred of our parents' one, but just being a *man* is unsavoury to me.
It can feel like this is just me getting out of my own reality too much though. I love being a husband and a dad. The idea of my body changing to a more feminine one isn't terribly appealing, though sometimes something as simple as gradual hair loss seems like a reason to start taking hormones, but would i even like the other results?
they say its never too late, but for some of us, can it also be too soon? will there be a time in an advanced age, during which sex may not be as much a part of my life - or even a desired one, where i will just say, "the man part is over now," and transition? i've heard of it happening before. though i lament the life i could have lived as a girl, i've made a pretty good go of it as a man. would the woman i could have been been this happy at 34? i honestly don't believe so, but would the woman i could be at 70 be happier than the man i would be? maybe others wouldn't, but i bet i would prefer the old lady in the mirror than the old man.
I wonder. You don't have to choose one or the other, you know? I identify as trans, non binary. Gender fluid queries too. You aren't limited to what others think we all have to be. I chose to be me, at least as often as I can. My ideal space is the space in between, it's where I'm most comfortable. I like my leggings and a pastel top, otherwise presenting as male. Or my Daisy Dukes, boat shoes or sandals, and lose button up short sleeved top, or a ladies tank top. If I go with a full on femme look, I think I do well with it, but I'm also comfortable with androgynous looks. I think they're really me.
Do what makes you happy. I have to written around my family dynamic also, many of us do, but I do all I can within that framework to be me, which is sometimes the traditional dad or he man husband, but most often is my in between spaces.
My family are giving me space. Loosen up, don't think, and just feel where you are, and feel where you wanna be. Like I've said, this doesn't use man- logic.
Bridgette
Thank you, that is what I am trying to do, but the masculine choice does come naturally most of the time and I'm just not sure that's how it's supposed to be.
Truly, only you can decide when and where your line gets drawn, if at all. I'm approaching a point where I may no longer care of i get caught by people at work, and I can live with those who won't accept. What I don't want is my wife to suffer on my account, that holds me back.
I'll tell you that "the way it's supposed to be" is already in you, just you haven't recognized it yet. But you will, I believe in you. You genuinely seek, and those who truly seek, find, but they do sometimes find something they didn't expect along the way. It's just the world we live in.
Still your mind and listen to your heart
Bridgette
thank you so much. i need to find it, i know it will be worth it, but only if i don't hurt the ones who i love and love me.
What wonderful introspective wisdom from both of you, Aoife and Bridgette. Thank you for sharing. There is so much insight here.
Best,
Clara
Sometimes I do have a strong suspicion that I'd be happier if I'd transitioned at a younger age, or even if I started to transition right now. But I always end up walking that back and reminding myself of my reluctance to stop being male. Being male is just so much simpler and easier, even with my feminine side. Cross dressing lets me not commit either way.
I can definitely relate to feeling repulsed by men though. I know I will never be the ideal man or ideal woman, but sometimes ideal womanhood seems closer for me.
I have to admit that my reluctance to explore femininity more is probably mostly external. I may be more attached to my masculine image than I am to my actual masculinity. It's pretty easy to cultivate a masculine image with my large frame and deep voice. It's very socially easy, even if it might not really be me.
I also have some suspicion that barriers to me exploring femme stuff more may fall away as I get older. It may just occur to me one day that all this man stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore. Time will tell I guess.
Men are disgusting. They can look so bad as they age. Woman, like a good wine, can age oh so beautifully.
Diane
I feel very much like you, Lisa.
Bridgette
Life has been what ifs. I wonder what had happened if I had the chance to change if I were younger. The thing is that I enjoyed my life and had I had done things differently,sure, things would be different now.
I liked my male self and didn't like the posturing alpha males. I have always had a softer side which is more feminine in attitude. I have grown content with my body as I can adapt it to appear female.
As I passed fifty I was dressing more and had girls as friends. I have always had an attraction to be with girls, sexually and what they wore and what they talked about. I wanted to be with girls as part of the group.
As I passed sixty things changed. There isn't the sexual aspect and the body starts to lose its masculine edge and becomes less important. I look better dressed as a woman and look younger. I have a pride in my looks which I do not have as a male.
I have a job, a social circle and couldn't wish for more. The what ifs are of no consequence. I made my decisions and can live with that. There are always highs and lows in life but if you come out of it content then job done.
yes, this sounds great!
