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Hello, ladies!
I've been having a rough time for the last 4-5 weeks and need some advice/support/encouraging words/whatever I can get.
First, some background:
I got separated from my then-wife in 2017 and divorced in 2018. Crossdressing wasn't part of my life at the time and it had nothing to do with the divorce. We just generally had a bad marriage. Neither of us had any affairs (I'm very confident of that). We just weren't suited for each other and had very different thoughts and ideas about how to live our lives. I moved out, rented an apartment, and gave her support money while we waited for the official separation agreement to be finalized. She wasn't working and had never worked throughout our marriage. I encouraged her to build a career but, for some reason, she just didn't want to work. I left it at that.
We had a daughter in the seventh year of our marriage. She was almost four when we got separated. I love my kid, always have, and have done everything for her that a mother does except for feeding her from my own breasts. Family and friends would always tell me that I was more like a mother than a father.
Right after we got divorced, her mother accused me of sexually abusing my daughter. Child Protective Services (CPS) got involved. They did their investigations and cleared me. At the time, I would pick her up from her mother 2-3 times a week and spend the day with her. A month after the first case was cleared, she filed another sexual abuse case against me. This time the police got involved and they did a more thorough investigation - putting me on a polygraph, asking me questions that brought tears to my eyes, visiting my home and doing tests, etc. They cleared me again, but I went into severe depression. I gave up my baby, all of my hard-earned money (including my retirement fund) and was basically left in debt and in terrible mental health. With the help of friends, family and a lot of therapy, I was able to get out of the depression and get to a relatively good place in three years. During that time, my ex moved out of state with my daughter.
I started dressing (again) about a year after I was out of my depressed state. Dressing made me feel good about myself and gave me a purpose in life.
I decided to move to Texas to be closer to my daughter after I had gone through my slump and had gotten my life to a somewhat stable place. Since then, I have had a great relationship with my now-ten-year-old, and we have formed a very strong bond. However, dealing with her mother is a whole different ball game. She nitpicks on small things e.g. a little scratch on my daughter means I hurt her. She generally makes life difficult for me, using my daughter against me - physically and emotionally. Life has become more difficult since my move to Texas and my mental state has deteriorated, but not to the extent of being depressed. This has been going on for almost three years now and I feel like she's going to pull me down again. I am always on the lookout for another case against me. Whenever my daughter is with me, I have to be very careful not to say or do anything that may even remotely be construed as anything sexual or physically abusive. Even kissing her on the head is done with someone present to act as my witness. That's not to say that my daughter would complain about me, but she's ten and could innocently say something to her mother that she would use as a weapon against me. It's mentally and emotionally draining.
Switching gears to crossdressing: I've been dressing on-and-off for about four years now (excluding my teenage years, and including times when I've purged, taken a break, and come back). The last time I purged was a year ago and I haven't looked back since. For the last few weeks, I have been thinking more often than not about transitioning. I would love to get on HRT, get the necessary surgeries done, and become a full-time woman with fully-functioning, appropriate body parts. I think about it night and day. I fantasize about how my life would change should I go through with it. I research different doctors in the US and internationally. I imagine myself stealing away to some far-away country, transitioning fully, and starting a whole new life as a woman, away from my ex and her bitchiness. Without getting into any details and because of my family situation (parents, etc.), I should say that if I do want to transition, then I would have to do it the way I have described - far away from anyone I know, starting a new life. Over the last few days, I have been seriously considering it and have even made plans - how I would do it, what I need to do to get it done (liquidating assets, paying off my bills, etc.) and where I would go. If it wasn't for my daughter, I wouldn't even hesitate.
So I have two options:
1. Continue to live as a man, have a great relationship with my daughter, but get physically, emotionally, mentally and financially drained by her mother (yes, I still pay alimony, child support AND cover ALL of my daughter's costs + some of her mother's expenses).
2. Go live my life. Get the transition done and start a new life somewhere far away. If I go with this option, I don't know whether I would be successful or not, and I don't know whether I would hate myself for abandoning my daughter or not. Obviously, sometime in the future I could come back and try to re-ignite the relationship, but there are too many variables to rely on that actually happening.
I ask for some wisdom from my fellow sisters. I can't talk to anyone else about this as it's a VERY sensitive subject. I don't feel comfortable talking to my therapist, either, so here I am - asking for support from this community, one that I feel really close to even though I haven't met any of you. Any advise or comments you can offer would be much appreciated and would perhaps help keep my thoughts straight.
"I love my kid, always have, and have done everything for her that a mother does except for feeding her from my own breasts."
"I have had a great relationship with my now-ten-year-old, and we have formed a very strong bond."
Those two quotes say it all. If it were me, that's all the clarity I would need.
Your daughter needs you in her life. Perhaps more than you realize.
You have plenty of shoulders here to lean on. But I think your situation requires the help of an experienced professional.
YOU need a good therapist. One that you can talk to freely. One that can help with your gender issues and the situation with your daughter. Legal advice would be a good idea too.
/LK
@emilyalt Thank you, Liz. While I tried to put myself in my daughter's place and think about it from her perspective, perhaps your words are true - that she needs me more than I realize. You're also right in saying that I need the help of an experienced professional. I'm going through a tough time and this forum was quickly and readily available, so here I am. I do need a change in therapist, for sure, and that's something I'm going to work on first thing on Monday morning. Really appreciate your feedback.
Sonal, I think you have done amazingly well to have endured all this and still be able to reach this stage where you can identify rational ways to proceed.
The pressure must be horrendous to live with and I can see why changing your life, through transitioning and relocating might seem attractive. Both Liz and Lacy have identified, in your account, two important things: It's abundantly clear how much you love your daughter and how much your continuing relationship means to you both; trying to leave the problem and move on will also be hugely difficult, and may well solve nothing.
To stay and continue to fight for your relationship with your daughter means, at the very least, accepting Liz and Lacy's advice, seek legal help and also a therapist or someone else who can listen and provide real help in giving you the strength you'll need to continue dealing with your ex without it dragging you down so much.
I really hope that you get some benefit from sharing with us and, also with real, practical help.
We are always here for you.
Allie x
@alexina Thank you! I did get a lot of insight from the responses to my problem. It helps to share and bounce ideas against others, and once again this forum has come through for me. Thank you so much!
@sonal I relate to this so much and am sorry you’re also going through it.
My ex moved 6 hours away in Dec 2011. Prior I saw my kids everyday even keeping them for a month while she moved and got settled. Once she had the kids with her again the allegations and court cases really took off. I was determined to not let her keep them from me. Although I have won every case, she has found ways to reduce my time with them, mostly using school and sports.
I’m now at the point that I haven’t seen them since September and they stopped talking to me in march. I can’t afford to go back to court so I’m at a loss of what to do but wait out these last few years while they’re in school.
So with that, I hope you have more than a therapist as a support network. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have are 100% supportive in one way or another. They all don’t know everything but each have a piece of the puzzle and help me through.
Hi, June, I'm so sorry that you're suffering in the same way, it's a low blow to deny or in any way interfere with your access to your kids.
I hope you can rekindle your relationship with them when they're a little older.
Hugs
Allie x
@doodlebug Hi June. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I hope things get better for you, and for everyone else in the same situation as us. I'm afraid that at some point my ex is going to pull my daughter from me, and will fill her head with negative things to drive her away from me. She is already doing so, but so far our relationship has stood strong. She's only 10, and I think things will only get worse from here. Time will tell.
I don't have many friends either, and very few that I can talk to about these innermost thoughts, but those that I do talk to are very supportive.
Thank you for responding and for your support! Lots of hugs and good wishes.
So sorry to hear your story, Sonal. The story of the hateful Ex hits close to home for me. Fortunately for my divorce happened when my youngest was heading into his senior year of high school. My divorce also had nothing to do with crossdressing.
I have 3 kids and 2 grandchildren. I see some of them every week and my younger daughter and son several times a year. I present as Cassie 100% of the time outside of work and they all know what I am doing. I know a lot of people have to keep their feminine side in the closet for work and family. It sounds to me like the desire to become fully female is so strong, BUT you don't want to loose your daughter, you want/need to be there for her.
Some therapy would be so good for you, BUT once again not just any therapist. I know it can be so hard to tell someone all these things going through your mind, and we all here will give you any advice we can . But we can only go so far.
I know for myself the idea of HRT and at least some of the SRS surgeries sound appealing. BUT for me, as I told my therapist last week, I don't want to do anything to my body which would shorten my life OR make my life painful. I want SO MUCH to be there for my granddaughters and my children. I also would so much love to have real feminine breasts.
I hope you can find your balance. Love your daughter!!!
Cassie
@loneleycd Thank you, Cassie. Yes, my desire to become fully female is very strong, but my thoughts about relocating are mostly related to my ex and the trouble she's putting me through. I do want to be there for my daughter, but I'm afraid her mother is going to drive me insane, literally. Transitioning is a way for me to get away from her while fulfilling my innermost desire.
I will certainly get some help for my mental stability. Thank you so much for responding and for offering some good advise. xoxo
So sorry to hear your story, Sonal. The story of the hateful Ex hits close to home for me. Fortunately for my divorce happened when my youngest was heading into his senior year of high school. My divorce also had nothing to do with crossdressing.
I have 3 kids and 2 grandchildren. I see some of them every week and my younger daughter and son several times a year. I present as Cassie 100% of the time outside of work and they all know what I am doing. I know a lot of people have to keep their feminine side in the closet for work and family. It sounds to me like the desire to become fully female is so strong, BUT you don't want to loose your daughter, you want/need to be there for her.
Some therapy would be so good for you, BUT once again not just any therapist. I know it can be so hard to tell someone all these things going through your mind, and we all here will give you any advice we can . But we can only go so far.
I know for myself the idea of HRT and at least some of the SRS surgeries sound appealing. BUT for me, as I told my therapist last week, I don't want to do anything to my body which would shorten my life OR make my life painful. I want SO MUCH to be there for my granddaughters and my children. I also would so much love to have real feminine breasts.
I hope you can find your balance. Love your daughter!!!
Cassie
Wow, sounds to me like you need to find a new therapist if you don't trust them enough to talk about what's real in your life. I went through a very similar situation, and it took a while, but I got through it and so can you, your daughter is the most important thing, and she needs you in her life until she's old enough to be on her own. Please don't make the mistake and try to run away from your problems it never works I know I tried it, and I just took them with me.
Lacy
I would concur with the above comments.
It is not uncommon for vexatious allegations to be made within a divorce, unfortunately the police are duty bound to investigate and other agencies become involved. In your case the investigations, albeit traumatic cleared you and have access to your daughter. You are careful when you see your daughter and protect yourself against any issues which is a good thing for you to do.
It would seem that the most important thing in your world is your daughter, I would say above your aspirations to transition. As I see it this is where your conflict lay.
I will consider question two first. You have assessed the consequences of going away to transition so would you really want to give up your daughter now and try to pick it up later? If your bond is a loving one your departure would no doubt have an effect on her and play into her mothers hands where she would be the main influence. Is it better to retain that relationship and influence then as she gets older you help her develop her understanding of the world and diversity then start to open up about yourself at appropriate moments. Moving away may satiate your physical and mental aspects by transition but the mental scars of leaving your daughter would remain for you and what of your daughters? Is this a good solution as you may never pick up the relationship again.
Then to question one. The key to any of this is your financial stability to maintain support to your daughter and, grudgingly to her mother as unfortunately it goes hand in hand. The plan to eventually transition would be part of the financial plan. This would give you a focus and goal to maintain stability for yourself and a continued relationship with your daughter. You can find the time to dress and develop yourself as Sonal making subtle changes over time whilst living in a male mode. Yes you would have to work as male but it is a front, part of a plan as we all have to do things we don't like to get where we want to be.
Perhaps counselling would help you make that decision but from the overtones of your text you know the answer and just need a push.
I understand how difficult this is for you and can empathise as many here have had to make tough decisions. Take your time and not dwell on the unknown and stick to what you know, what you really want and work your life to attain the goal.
Whatever you decide you know that you have our support.
Moving away may satiate your physical and mental aspects by transition but the mental scars of leaving your daughter would remain for you and what of your daughters? Is this a good solution as you may never pick up the relationship again.
I have seen that happen in person - and to this day - 10 + years after transition, she would have given it all up if she could see her daughter again. Her ex played the same games and it does take a huge toll.
Rachelle
@ab123 Thank you, Angela. You're right - my daughter is more important to me than my need to transition. However, my mental health is just as important. And I feel like being around this woman and having to deal with her day-in, day-out is detrimental to my mental health. The act of relocating is just to get away from her. The act of transitioning is an added "bonus".
I do get your point, though. One's child should always be the priority, and that is why I need to get a good therapist, as you and others have pointed out. That will help me figure out what I should be doing and can help me develop coping mechanisms.
I really appreciate your support. xox
Sonal, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there , girl.
I can't add to what others have already said, I'm just wishing the very best for you.
Emma xxx
As far as your gender dysphoria goes, that is always a very personal journey. But as far as the relationship with your daughter goes, no matter what the ex does to make you the bad person, kids are smarter than you think. Your actions will form her opinions. Go on and be the parent that you’ve always been to her. She will figure it out. In the mean time, speak to a specialist. We all need someone to talk to who is objective and can help.
A good qualified sex therapists for sure.
keep doing what your doing now until daughter is old enough that her mother can’t influence her or your outcome with her.
Then transition if you want.
