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We've all thought about best case scenarios, the way we'd love things to be. Oh to have a loving, supportive partner who happily goes along as we get out and about en femme, shopping, going to restaurants and just enjoying life. Oh, and of course, we'd love to pass so well that no-one would ever recognise us as the male we really are underneath. It all sounds so wonderful, right?
Whilst I can't claim to pass as looking like a genetic woman I have been told that when made up and en femme I am unrecogniseable so you'd think that's a great place to be. Wouldn't you?
Hark then to the words of my wife on one occasion we were out in public.
"When you are dressed and made up as Jane no-one knows who you really are, but I am still myself. People still recognise me because I am not in disguise."
That's when it dawned on me that she didn't have the anonymity that being en femme gives me. People who saw us together would judge her the same way they judged me, positively or negatively. Most importantly, as she pointed out, all my efforts to be not recognised go out the window because she was the identifier.
So spare a thought for that lovely lady you want to be part of your femme life. She will have to face all the same fears you have and possibly worse for she can't retreat to another 'self'.
I guess the question is are you trying to hide or are you trying to be you? Seems to me if you are Jane and you present yourself as Jane then that is who you are. If you're presenting yourself as the male counterpart of Jane but disguising yourself as Jane then I guess that makes sense.
My how things can change. Two years ago I was only just starting to grow my hair and my ears were not pierced. Now there's very little 'disguise' left and my wife is very comfortable going out with Jane.
Who would have thought?
Jane,
Your thoughts are very much on point. In my own journey over the past year, that concern has been on the forefront. Though I am thankful for my wife's support, I cannot forget that she has her own fears. And whether those fears are rational or not, they exist have to be addressed. She is part of this journey, and her love and support are too important to neglect.
Mac
Wow this is so true. I am in the same boat. We have posted pictures while I am en femme for Halloween and people were literally asking who was with my wife. So on the one hand it really makes me feel good that I can pass.
We have been out 2 other times on regular days but away from our town and it was really nice. But my wife has expressed that she would be majorly embarrassed if anyone we knew saw us and pointed out the fact you said here, that while I am not recognizable she still is. It makes sense really.
And while I have come to terms recently about who I really am she is not ready to go public and I understand that and will do (or not do) what keeps her happy as she is my rock and I love her to death.
Thanks,
Pam
Very well said!!!
Thank you 😊❤️
A very timely commentary, at least for me. We had an extension of The Talk this morning, which ended with the news that I would never get to enjoy a girls' day out with her. I was very disappointed to hear this, as it was high on my "to do" list. But with that new perspective, I find that news much easier to bear.
Bettylou
I’ve never thought about that. Very good point. I’ve no thought of going out anywhere near where I work or live, but is something I definitely discuss with the wife wherever I end up going out at. Thank you for this.
Hugs, Ruby
We have thought about this and we do not want to go out in areas where they are close. We will spend time in another city further away so we do not run into any family in the closer city as this can and has happened while I was in drab.
Very well said macKenzie,
sometimesI forget my wife feelings.
Today I was thinking about her and put myself in her shoes.
I don't know if I could handle it.
Patty
Hi Bettylou,
I'm sorry to hear your news.
It sounded important to you.
Maybe you will find a c/d girlfriend to go out with
I never expected my wife would go out with me she isn't a girly girl.
Patty
Thank you, Patty, this is a part of my life I want to share, but my wife is the only family member I could share it with. Perhaps later, with a good CD friend....
Hello, my partner just came out to me recently and I came to this place to learn how to be a good accepting partner. We just had that talk 2 days ago. We discussed going out together while he is dressed but I had not considered this. Thank you for posting and being aware of your partner's feelings while she is supporting yours.
More to think about.....
So among my wife's objections to me dressing is that people will think she is lesbian.
I have a accepting and supportive life partner of over 23 years now and this topic was brought up when I first came out to her. We jumped in with both feet and never once in the past year has this ever been an issue for her. However, from the beginning, we both had the "I don't care what people think attitude", and I think this is very important if your going to have a positive experience. If both of you great people as you want to be treated, if your nice and engaging others when your out and about you will almost always have a positive experience from others. If your fearful and insecure you will give off that energy and people will pick up on it and feel that there's something wrong. But if your happy and confident, people will look at you both and feel that your right with the world. This apply to your spouse too. If she looks and feels that there is something wrong with you or is not secure with your dressing female, she will give off those vines and people will pick up on it and suspect somethings wrong. If that's the case then maybe you'd be better to go out alone for awhile to develop your confidence which might help her. And I can't say it enough, so what if you get made!! Do what makes you happy and why care what people think?! Do the pay your bills, put you to bed at night??? No they don't do you owe them nothing. Tell your spouse to STOP worrying about what society thinks and love her life for herself and not look for approval from others!!!
Good Luck!!
