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If you read my profile you will see that I'm married to a MTF transgender in my second marriage. I joined here today thinking maybe I can bring a message of hope for those of you who, like me, were/are totally frustrated being a closeted CD for most of your life for whatever reason. It was like a bittersweet curse on me that was more bitter than sweet from a very young age. I did foolish things, stupid things trying to cope with an addiction that had me totally in it's grips. Was in a terrific marriage that I did my best to screw up but somehow didn't totally ruin it. My wife loved me and somehow put up with it.
Now to the point and why I'm here. I lost my first wife to an early and sudden death and spent 4 years trying to not only deal with losing her but also trying to come to grips with myself and figure out how to move forward, still with this 'addiction' of crossdressing. Here's what I decided needed to be done and what I should have done long before I ever got married the first time. Accept it as being a part of me that needed to not feel guilty or frustrated or let it be in control. I don't think I could have handled it alone.
Either have told my intended about my crossdressing before marriage (which many of us think we will get over once married....yeah right) to be sure she could and would accept it in the marriage. Or, do as I have now, marry a transgender who not only satisfied a curiosity I had for years about them....but, mostly, being able to find one who wasn't just a sexual fantasy but who is a good loving companion who is just living her life as she is meant to be. And I now have found freedom to do as I wish with my crossdressing with someone who not only accept, but encourages.
I cannot ever recover those long years of frustration and feeling guilty but I now can live my life free from all of that. I hope others will read this and realize and accept that if you are like me, you will NEVER be free from crossdressing and you better accept it as a part of you. Don't 'pretend' that you can just stop. YOU NEVER WILL! If you are young find your happiness in someone before you screw it up. And if you have a second chance like I did, don't screw up again. I found my answer. You can too.
Sorry this was so long but it is why I'm here. I really want to help you if I can. Message me or whatever if you think I can. Thank you!
Patty, I am so glad you have found a way to accept your feminine side. I do not think of it as an addiction. I think of it as a normal part of who I am. I would love for my wife to accept this side of me. I also agree with you that this is something that will always be a part of who I am. I will find a way to live my life and be a loving husband to my wife. I think accepting this is am important part of what makes you the person you are is critical to your mental health. As far as people saying there is only two genders they ignorant to the biology of gender expression. The brain may be influenced by epigenetics which can express expression, or the brains of people like us has more in common with women that influences our behavior. So its never as simple as some people would lead us to believe. Thank you Patty for sharing your story with us.
Hugs, Julie
I am happy for you that you found a good, loving mate, but a lot of crossdressers are happy with their male side, too, so finding a transgendered woman is not likely in their future.
Many crossdressers also are in long-term marriages in which they have no interest in breaking up, even when starting to express their feminine side later in their lives. There is a lot of history attached. Whether they feel trapped in a marriage with a disapproving wife/family or not isn't necessarily seen as an overwhelming problem. It is what it is, for them.
I am only trying to point out that there is a myriad of ways in which crossdressers find happiness.
Here's more. May be hard to understand, but I don't feel the need to dress like I used to. Years ago it was like I was trying to find every minute or second for myself to sneak into my crossed self. Every night in lonely hotel rooms when I traveled on business. Luckily I did travel a lot but it was still lonely and frustrating. Sneaking time alone at home if my wife was away for awhile. Tempting fate to not get caught by her or neighbors, etc. I'm sure some of you can relate.
Now I have total freedom and am relaxed and satisfied but without that nagging voice inside me saying 'come on.....let's do it....hurry'. I only do it when I want to..not when I need to. I may be more of a fetish crossdresser than one who ever wanted to go out dressed or try to look enough like a female. Not really sure but that doesn't matter. It's been with me my whole life regardless. But now I can let me control it rather that it controlling me.
Let me tell you about my current wife and how much she has changed things for me. Yeah, she accepts it all about me and that has totally changed my outlook on things. But what I've found is...it's mostly about her now. My interest is in her and her growing up and seeing her now as she has continued transitioning. Plus I'm able to help her with that. It wasn't easy for her when she was in the Philippines. It is fascinating for me to now kind of satisfy some of my femme feelings through her. Does that make sense? What might it be like to feel you were born in the wrong body? I've always been fascinated and curious about transgenders. I'm not transgender but I'm sure many of us wonder or at least fantasize about it. Now I don't have to fantasize about it. I have a living breathing girl with me at all times who shares her feelings about her growing up, etc. so I can know exactly what it is like to be transgender. Oh wow....it is incredible. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't imagine how I could have a better life than what I'm living now.
I'm not trying to convince you that a transgender is the answer for everyone like me. I know it wouldn't be. But for me it has been a game changer. She's exactly what I needed and thank goodness I searched for and found her. And I thank her every day for being a part of my life. And she thanks me too. 🙂
You are so right and thank you for pointing that out. I'm only referring to myself and what my life was like which we are all different. We all just need to be happy. In whatever way it takes. THX so much! 🙂
I did need to share it and hope it will resonate with some who need hope if they had a life like I did. To me is was always an addiction because it had a hold on me....not me on it. Now I am in control and that's what I've needed. I wish I could change things in the past.....but at least I have changed things for the better in my now and future. THX so much for your kind words. 🙂
Thanks for your well-thought message of encouragement, Patti. I'm glad you've found happiness.
I'll echo Julie regarding crossdressing being an addiction. It isn't. Addiction implies a disorder that can be managed or cured. Clinically, crossdressing falls under the transgender spectrum. There is no known cure. You said that yourself. Experienced therapists aim to help crossdressing patients accept themselves. There's nothing inherently wrong with them. If they suffer from gender dysphoria, there are a variety of treatments up to and including full medical transition.
Personally, I've struggled with dysphoria since I was 4. It took decades to realize I'm trans. I started transitioning 2 years ago. My life has never been happier. Like you, I hope my experience will be an inspiration for other girls to find their own happiness.
/EA
Appreciate your thoughts and your keen insight. You are right but I always seemed to be in a 'bubble' that just wouldn't burst. Now it has totally burst and I'm free. Sad that it took so long, but better that it at last did happen for me. Thank you so much! 🙂
Trans girls often refer to it as "their egg cracked". Glad yours did! Better late than never. It's never too late.
/EA
Yeah...love it. Egg cracked. Sure glad it cracked for me. THX. 🙂
Patty I am so glad to hear a good success story. I have come to terms with who I am. I find I can express my feminine side when I can and enjoy my male side as well. I love my wife dearly, I wish she was accepting, but I have to deal with it. I think I have found a way to do that. I love my feminine side I just wish I could express it more often.
My picture is next to yours on CDH. I love my picture being next to such a lovely women. It is so nice meeting you.
Julie
You are so right Hariette. I do not feel trapped in my marriage, but it does make expressing my feminine side more difficult.
I agree Julie. I never felt trapped in my marriage..it was a good one...I was just trapped in my own lonely sad world. My wife was terrific and put up with a lot to stay with me. Appreciate your insight. 🙂
Wow. Two peas in a pod together in pics. Love it! THX. 🙂 I am just so happy to relate my success. Sometimes I still don't believe it but I have the right person here with me now to prove it's true! 🙂
I often wonder what it would have been like if I had been as comfortable with dressing when I was 20 as I have become since I turned 67 almost 5 years ago.
I don't think I would have gone to college so close to home and would had a major in the sciences instead of ag.
I've tried to go through what might have been, but it's hard to imagine how drastically different it would have been if I had had less guilt,fear, and shame and more freedom then.
When I start to go down the "what if" road, I realize how lucky I am to have lived long enough to be where I am.
I am happy now.
I have to, and can, focus on that.
Losing the total self suppression has been huge.
Not that I totally dress in town, or even for long periods at home, but being able to confide freely to close friends or take the small steps of lipstick,earrings,
mascara, brow liner, painted nails and long hair is fantastic.
I won't say it was worth the wait, but I will say now is fantastic!!
