Being true to myself!

I have always felt uncomfortable with myself, not self concious mind you but like something was just not quite right. Unlike most of you ladies, I never really put my finger on what it was till recently. I never cross dressed, and never even considered it in my early life.

I am married and I wish I could say happily, but something in me has kept me from fully enjoying what I have. My wife is a very intellegent and beautiful woman, we have triplet 2 year olds, a 16 year old and they are all wonderful. But something still wasnt right.

Now the truth is I am pan/bi sexual, and yes my wife knew this well before we married. But this has nothing to do with that. When we fight as couples do on occassion, she always says, "you should just embrace your other lifestyle" thats what would make you happy, but that wasnt it. She often would say I gestured or walked femme, she meant in a gay way but I started thinking about all these things trying to make sense of it.

I started reading, and researching the subject to see if she saw something I did not. It lead me through many realizations, I wasnt necessarily gay, I wasnt necessarily straight. But the further I explored in my reading the more somethings stood out to me.

I am transgender, I want to be female. I am female. The only male portion to me is my outward appearance to the world. But that can change right? Thats the question I asked myself first. The second is how? I contacted a clinic near me for a consult, i went in and talked to them and did some intial bloodwork. I scheduled a return visit for one month later.

Upon returning home that day my wife asked why I had made an appointment downtown versus at my local doctors. At this point it was time to talk. I explained everything to her, even that her observations had helped me see the truth about myself. She said so your finally going to embrace being gay, I said no. I am going to embrace the truth I discovered about me, I am a woman. The clinic specializes in transgender treatment, I am going to start HRT to transition. I went on to tell her, I know its not what you want to hear. You didnt sign up for this, and I understand if you decide we can not be together any longer. I told her I love you and always will no matter what she decides. That was 6 months ago, we are still together but yes there is tension at times. But I have been happier ever since I started HRT, and hence she has seen the change in my personality. I am more supportive of her activities, not that I wasnt before but now I fully commit to whatever she has going.

We are not at the point yet, where she is willing to help me learn makeup. She has said she is fine if I want to dress or go as a woman to any of her events, but I dont really dress yet. However the offer was worth more than she say. To me it was acceptance, hope, understanding.

Sorry, intended this to be a topic and discusion. But like the thing that I could never put my fingers on, it just developed into my truth.

Traci Lynn