Careful! You can't Un-Tell someone

Hi Catherine,

I think you're right to be careful. As Steph says office culture can be weird. It's not as if you are telling a very trusted friend who would keep a secret.

And I also understand the feeling of wanting to come out - it can really become frustrating. Like you, I've backed away for now, but at the same time, it doesn't mean I won't at some stage.

Marti xxx

Great question Cathrine, I have had this debate going on in my head for a while now and so far  ended up at the same conclusion as you! I’m unsure what I would gain and it’s pretty  easy to come up with potential  negative possibilities. Unfortunately though, for me the debate isn’t over.

Celeste, you are wonderfully blunt as always! I'm a fan! And, yeah, why tell anyone anyway?

Hugs, Barb 😊

There's no right or wrong answer with this, Catherine!

I opt for the "dart" approach. If anyone throws a web-dart and lands on femmy-me, then deal with it! It's your issue, not mine.

Apologies, but I sometimes get a bit hot under-the-collar when there's this notion that I'm the one who has to justify my life.

(I think some of the ladies here are rubbing off on me! You know who you are! LOL!!)

Hugs, Barb 🌶

Catherine,

please be careful who you tell. As someone who’s crossdressing was outed you never know how someone will react. Someone can appear open minded but non actually be on this topic. I read another post earlier of a husband who came out to a wife he thought would understand , she wasn’t and it’s been a difficult road.  I agree with Stephanie the office is no place for this idea.

Natalie

As much as you know,or think you know, someone it could all go wrong. It is a big risk you have in telling someone. Clearly you are in this process and have had some positives so you look forward.

Think of the five W's. Who, What, Why, Where and When. Who to tell, What purpose does it serve to you, Why are you saying it, Where is a good place and when.

I have outed to many people over the tears so here's my example.

I wanted to tell a person at work.

Who? A colleague who I had worked with for years and she had confided a few things with me that I had to keep to myself. I knew a lot about her and she me - except the dressing. She would often ask about my personal life and was miffed why I had not been married as she opined I would make a great partner. I felt I could trust her.

What purpose - To come out more.

Why - To answer a question she had as to why I wasn't in a relationship.

When - Within a week of making the decision and arranging the time.

Where - A coffee shop in a garden centre we had been to before, outside of work.

I thought about the meeting and said I had something to tell her and she realised it was important and that in my doing so lessened the chance of me turning back. I thought I would take some photos with me and then I had a rush. I turned up dressed! She was waiting outside and I walked right up to her and it took her a short while to realise who it was. Then it was smiles, a big hug and long chat. She never disclosed the secret at work only suggesting, with my approval, others to tell. Not one of the others said anything and it was one of the best things I have done.

At that time I was very comfortable with myself and had a high level of confidence as I had been through the process with family, some neighbours and a couple of very trusted friends. 

If you feel you need to come out about yourself more there is a need to exercise caution and realise that there are people out there who look as if they would be accepting but are quite the contrary. In life there are risks and if we didn't take one or two we wouldn't get far. Just assess before going forward and who knows.

Catherine, I’m right there with you when it comes to wanting to tell people. My circle that knows is very small… my wife, therapist, adult middle stepson that still lives with us, and recently told the lady that has been waxing my chest for over a year. Thankfully I have not received any negative responses, only positive. This positive affirmation  has been so important to me! The fact that I’ve always had to hide this part of me has only reinforced in my mind that “Geena” is wrong/perverted/sick/twisted and needed to be kept in the closet — hence, the therapist I talk to every 2 weeks, lol. You are also like me and still in the working world. Taking the chance of it damaging my career is too scary for me too! Most days I just want to scream F*CK at the top of my lungs - why do we have to hide!? Anyway, enough of my rambling, just wanted you to know you are not alone with your frustrations.

Geena 😊😊

I would love to shout out to the world that I embrace my femininity. But I know the world can be a cruel place, so I keep quite. Fortunately I have all you great ladies here at CDH to express real self.

Hugs, Liara

I'm happy to be a private dresser.

Catherine, only you know where you are at. Seems like you are between a rock and a hard place. Sounds like you would very much like to be out to at least a few. Maybe a few weeks or months the 'need' to be out will be just so overwelming. Your lesbian colleague may be the person to start with??? Or maybe being in the closet will be enough for you for years to come. Only you can decide that.
I am not the right person to coming out at work. First I can't lose my job because of CD. Second I am already 67 so I could just retire if I were to be 'hassled' by co-workers - could also file discrimination charges, which in my workplace I would likely win, but I really don't want to - for the most part my co-workers are good people. Third I am sure there is already a lot of talk behind my back -first with my longer hair a year ago and now with my longer lt. blue nails ( and red thumb nails).
Also after my X found out and threatened to tell my brothers I told them myself. Now there is no worry about them finding out accidently,and 3 of the 4 of them have no problems with it.
Now I am trying to figure out how and to whom to come out to at church and talk to a Priest ( I converted to Catholic 35 years ago)about it.

. . . ..Cassie

Honey the 5 W's is definitely a good rule.

Ps yous comment brought a tear to my eye.

Hi Catherine, I always tend to jump in with two feet, so I did. I have been dressing seriously for about a year and 3 months in I went public, fully. My first trip out was to work. Everyone was fully supportive and in the entire time I've been out dressed I've not had a major issue. All my colleagues accept me and some actually prefer me as Trish. 6 months in I went full time and have not regretted it for a second.

I will caviate this statement by saying I live in Manchester England, which is a very accepting place with a strong LGBTQ community and I am protected by strong employment and discrimination laws, not that I've even had to think about ever filing a complaint against anyone regarding my dress or sexuality.

Personally I think if you think your lesbian friend will accept you I'd go for it, but its your life and only you can decide.

Love Trisha

The work place is a very difficult place to navigate and one should exercise extreme caution. What might feel good in the immediate moment by telling someone could have major repercussions later on. One has to weigh what would be gained and what could possibly be lost.

smart move to take the more conservative approach and keep that information to yourself.  Far too many people cannot accept or know how to deal with our desires to dress up. It WILL change their perspective of you and how they treat you.   Not worth it in the long run.

Love the 5- W's theory!