Children, I need advice??

Hi Regi,

I have similar feelings with close relatives, friends and co-workers. It can be painful. That is why the rate of trans people harming themselves is so high. We risk ridicule, rejection and isolation. I just read an article by a trans-woman who said she is tired of apologizing for her gender. She mentions that she doesn't apologize for her eye color or her height, why about gender? I thought it was interesting.

For me, I have set my transition in slow motion, working and refining myself so one day the time might be right. There may never be a right time, but that is the best plan I have for now. And work on your inside, strengthen your self acceptance and self love. That is all we can really control anyway.

Hugs🌹

Eva

Regi, I wish I had the answer to that one, but I don't. If I did, I would be out to more than a couple people right now. I'm not sure how you teach unconditional love, other than to try to demonstrate it and hope that people open their minds up more.

I do want to say, I believe that trans and CD people have a higher rate of mental health issues because of the lack of acceptance from society. Transphobic and homophobic people are the cause of a lot of those problems. If everyone just stopped judging and accepted everyone else who may be different from them, I think a lot of those mental health issues would disappear.

Birel

Regi,

I wouldn’t presume to offer advice as I don’t know you or your situation at a level that would let me do so with due consideration.

That said, I do understand your conundrum, and empathize with you!  So absent any ‘advice,’ I’ll share this with you - I am a crossdresser who does not wish to transition, nor do I wish to present as a woman full-time, and I too have a son (and other family members) who I’m sure would not be accepting of this were they to find out.  So we have that much in common you and I.  And perhaps the most important thing we have in common is that we love our sons more than we love ourselves - there is nothing we would not do for them.  I would very much like to not have to keep my crossdressing a secret from anyone, but I do, and I do this in the case of my son and family members, because of this love I have for them.  It is a choice I make that isn’t what I want, but a choice that they need if I am to remain in their lives. Like you, I can shrug off anyone else’s disdain and rejection, but not theirs, so I choose to remain closeted to them.

For someone who isn’t like me, i.e., they want to live full time either presenting as a woman or actually transitioning to become one, I understand that the difficulty of this choice is much more significant, and so are the consequences.  For me it is a bummer that I can’t just tell everyone, but it’s not something that crushes me emotionally or makes me want to self -harm, but if I felt I were a woman inside and needed to transition, I know that the pain and consequence of staying closeted would be much much greater.  I don’t know what I’d do if I were in that situation, I really don’t.  I would like to think that I would be strong enough to pursue one of two courses of action: decide to not transition/come out and also not harm myself either physically or mentally, or, decide to transition/come out and present the decision to those I love as a decision necessary for my very survival and pray that their genuine comprehension of gravity of this for me, coupled with their deep love for me, would enable them to find a way to accept and accommodate me in their lives.

Regi, I hope and pray this all works out for you in the very best possible way and I’m always available to talk more about it if you want...

Marcellette

By this age their attitudes are set. In your situation I would talk the issue over with a therapist and see if he or she can help.

Hi Regi,

Sorry to say, some problems just don't have satisfactory solutions. I'm in a similar situation; my 4 children, ages 43-53 are also non-accepting of CDs, and I must keep Bettylou hidden from them. No transitioning at my age, but I am socially Trans, and I would Dress full-time if I could. I have decided to be content with what I do have: an accepting wife who lets be be Bettlou much of the time and even relates to me as a gf. It could be so much worse.

Hugs,
Bettylou

I don't think there is a satisfactory answer, because it really sounds like a lose-lose situation.  And as a Dad myself, I understand why you would sacrifice for your children.

However, something about this bothers me.  Even taking the desire to present as female out of the picture, it sounds an awful lot like controlling behavior if the older one wouldn't accept you if you decided to get rid of your beard.  If the tone was along the lines of "I've always known you with a beard, it would just feel weird without it," I can understand.  But if the tone was "If you don't have a beard then you're not my Dad anymore," it sounds like there are deeper issues.  I find it problematic, and I think I'll just leave it at that.

I cannot do much more than say the same as others have said here already, and I don't know where you are at. Do you need to transition for your own mental stability, or can you be satisfied with just occasionally dressing. The idea that your one son doesn't want to see dad without a beard is a little selfish on his part. I remember when my own father when he was in his early 60's he grew a gotee for a local centenial celebration, I thought he looked weird- he had always been clean shaven. After the celebration mom made him shave it off.
If your need to start transitioning is great you may need to contact a therapist to help you cope with any possible rejection. Telling them may not be as bad as you think, you just don't know. I don't have to worry about telling my kids since my X told our 3 kids after she found out, We just don't talk about it. My crossdressing is like the elephant in the room when we get together.
. . Sandy

I'm sorry I wasnt more concise. He accepted me without the beard, but he asked his mother, to ask me to grow it back, as it just wasn't me.
I havent had it for over a month, now, though, and no plans to grow it back.
s for my origional question, thank you for your rply
Hugs, Regi👸💕

Thank you all for your replies, Ladies,
Just to answer a couple questions posed:
I do dress full time, at home, and I am venturing outdoors more and more, but in small steps, and in daylight hours.
I dont plan at this time to transition, but the possibility is there in the future
Both sons do live local, and do drop in un-announced occasionally
So, I guess I'm stuck in the status quo and just have to hope for the best
Again, Thank you all
Hugs, Regi👸💕

Do you think maybe it is less about what they think about CD and more about how it would reflection them? If they had a really good male friend growing up that came out CD, would they stop being friends with this person?

Hi Tina, for the older son, it is possible, for the younger, no, his best friend growing up was openly gay, and they are still friends, but he doesn't equate crossdressing in the same way In his words, gay is something you are born with, crossdressing is a choice.
He needs education, I just don't know how to go about it.
Hugs, Regi👸💕

Thank you, Gabriela, that may just work
Hugs, Regi👸💕

A few decades ago, most crossdressers did not go out in public. The younger generations, even if they don't agree, are more accepting as more Cd's are going out in public. What does your younger sons gay friend think about CD?

Thats a good question, Tina, I may have to try to get in touch with him, I haven't seen him in 20 year
Hugs, Regi👸💕