Clearly I am the problem

Hi Charley,

Please don't you ever feel ashamed of yourself.

You are a gift to this world sweety that we will always cherish talking to.

You have been given a gift that most do not get.

Take a deep breath of the pink fog as we call it and be proud of who you are .

I know we are.

Patty

Hey Charley,

Thank you for sharing; it couldn't have been easy. I am sorry you have been doubting yourself and feeling ashamed. I believe in you, and I hope once you break the ice with you local group these feelings will go away.

Obviously it is never nice when an intimate or long term partner rejects what has been a long held deep secret. It feels worse than anything, and if progress is made it is hard earned and easily lost,sometimes a small break from dressing around them can be helpful. While I understand your pain, I want you take a minute to understand how they might feel. They may feel like their world has been up ended, or that the have been lied to or cheated. In my relationship we needed counselling and I strongly suggest you go to a qualified third party to help you both through this difficult time.

If you need anything just ask,

Bestdressed

You are not alone in what you are going through, Charley.  I have been through many cycles of shame, acceptance, shame, acceptance... .  Talk to us, your friends, here and in the chat room.  You will learn a lot about dealing with being a CD and the problems it can cause in one's life.  At some point, you will figure out how to accept it for yourself.  I can't tell you how you'll know you've come to accept being a CD.  It's a personal thing that varies depending on each of our own life experiences.  But, you will know when it happens and it will be a great relief and give you a wonderful feeling when it does.

Charley,
I suspect most of us here have had those same feelings early in our CD lives. Knowing that what I was doing was socially unacceptable, and that I would probably be mislabeled as a "Drag Queen" certainly didn't help. I'm happy to say that sharing this life here on CDH has made me understand that though I am "different", I'm still "normal"; and I realized that nothing I'm doing is either illegal or immoral, so why the shame? With a wife who accepts me (Hallelujah), I can freely accept and admit that I'm a crossdresser. When you accept yourself, the rest becomes easy.

Hugs,
Bettylou

Charley,

You are not alone. We are here for you.

Huge hugs

Dana 💋❤️

Its something that does take time. The guilt,  the shame and embarrassment doesn't just go away after revealing ourselves. Anxieties that are fixed into my head and shaking them I myself knew would be a daunting task. Opening up to my wife drew many emotional moments  for the both of us and many a talk would help us work out our differences. Take the time to search for your feelings and not to accept this as a curse. Believe me your desires may be blessing and one that can make you stronger and a better person. In time I hope understanding from your SO could shed light to a wonderful experience that could be shared together. Find your path and seek out your destiny.

Stephanie 🌹

Hey Charley, I'm sorry you're feeling that way because honestly you're doing nothing wrong. I'd like to tell you here's the cure and you'll love and accept yourself but there isn't one. Each of us has to deal with this in their own way. It took me a lot of years of beating myself up to accept myself, please don't follow my path. Have you tried going for some counselling? It really does help, I was very skeptical of it but to sit down and talk honestly to a none bias person who you know isn't going to point and laugh at you really helps.

I wish you lots of luck and great speed with this, you're not any of those names you're calling yourself intact the point that you came here to discuss your problem tells me that you want to resolve this to make it better not only for you but your family too.

Take care and if you need to talk, PM me, Heather.

Hi Charley Most of us have been there and some are in the same place. This is our reality .We all enjoy being a part of the opposite genders world. In most of our cases it is the female gender is what we enjoy emulating and trying to learn.I have wanted this for so much a part of my life. I no longer will accept that I should feel shame and guilt for identifying with such a wonderful and special part of our society simply because I was born with a penis. Why I identify with a female I do not know today. I am not sure I ever will know.. In the mean time I have to accept who I am and what I enjoy. that is learning and emulating the female world. What is wrong with that? Nothing .I have brought this subject up with my therapist .Yes. I have a therapists to help me understand why ? Her best answer is there is nothing wrong. It is just apart of you.She also told me to stop being so hard on who you are and begin to like and accept yourself. I believe her. I am sharing that with you and all that are trying to figure it out. Just begin to like and love your self. If you like pretty and cute things and you enjoy feeling cute and pretty then just enjoy it. You deserve it as a simple human . love Stephanie

HI Charley I understand much of what you are feeling.  Dont give in to your disparing feelings of being cd.  Counsiling may help or the ladies on CDH can give great advice.  I have similer problems.  I am divorced (nothing to do with cd).  Due to financal problems she lives upstairs and I have the basement.  Because I got back into cd last march, then in sept she caught me wearing one of the bras she had thrown away.  Then I admitted everything to her. The first thing she did is tell my three grown kids.  Now I am almost daily being called at very least weird.

Hi Charley,

Equally clearly, you are not the problem. The problem is in the minds of those who see us as doing something wrong.

At the very least you have been brave enough to come to a realisation that you are different. You are finding a way to help you to live a fullfilling life. It is possible to deny your own needs. Believe me, I and hundreds of other CDs have denied our need. That way madness lies.

Those who have a problem with tolerance and acceptance are the ones with a problem. One day they will seek acceptance, and they will feel the hurt of rejection. Only then will they reflect on the way they have treated you.

You are stronger than them. You are more precious than them and you are valued by those who know. We, your friends here value you. Talk to us if you feel the need. We care.

Sian x

There are many success stories on CDH and that is awesome, but there are many of us who struggle.

It's been a little over 6 months since I decided to accept crossdressing as a part of my life and to try and shake off the shame.
A big part of that was coming out to my wife. Given that our relationship was already somewhat dysfunctional coming out was a big risk, but it went ok.

Even with that hurdle out of the way I still feel the shame of this strange part of me. However, I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, what I am doing is not wrong and it is an intrinsic part of who I am.

It's awesome that your wife is encouraging you to go to a group, it indicates that despite not being comfortable with it herself she understands that it is important for you.

On a side note, you are fortunate to have a group near you, there is nothing within 1000 miles of me! CDH is my group.

One day when I was really struggling, having a rough day my wife sent me a text "Love your self" and I always try to remember that when the doubt and shame are spinning in my head.

D.

Sandy wow. That’s rough. My wife outed me to 2 different mutual friends so I know the hurt of that experience. Thankfully they are both supportive, one I had planned to tell anyway but on my own terms. We have 3 kids and the last thing she wants is my kids to know. She is petrified one of them might “turn out like me”.

Sian, what a beautiful name. What I mean by I am clearly the problem is that despite my wife making great strides to provide me with space and understanding in spite of her obvious discomfort, is that I am the one who consistently recoils from even the slightest negativity. The smallest comment makes me want to run and hide and brings up all these feelings of regret, confusion, and self loathing. The rest of the time I can manage a sort of even keel as long as I don’t dwell on anything too long. If I don’t think and just do I’m at least not wanting to cry and can get out of bed. One even slightly negative comment or too much introspection and I’m in for a bad few days. The problem is definitely within me.

Hi Charley,

As you have learned many if not all of us have at one point shared or even now are sharing your feelings. I know I have negative feelings produced by this very real part of me. These feelings are normal and honestly are ugly, but they are real. I live with them as you do, but I have learned how to prevent them from crippling me.

One thing you mentioned that stood out so vividly was that you see your condition as a curse. I too saw it this way at one time.

I don't any more. Our condition is no more a curse than: let's say a child's Down Syndrome condition is a curse. Is it a difficult condition to live with? To be sure, for both the individual and for the family in which that individual resides. Yet some of the sweetest most loving people I know are Down's Syndrome. Oh, how I wish I had their beautiful simple childlike capacity for life and love. And their families are so much more understanding it seems than many families who have never faced such a challenge. Take out Down Syndrome and substitute whatever challenge you can think of. What is difficult, what causes such pain is only a curse because we so decide it will be.

Dear Charley CDing or being trans (as I know myself to be) truly is difficult. That can not nor will be denied by anyone here, but it doesn't have to be a curse, except you choose it to be.

I didn't learn this on my own. It may sound ironic but my deep Christian faith taught me this lesson. Find someone (a friend here or elsewhere, a therapist, clergy, life coach SO, personal faith etc) to help you embrace who you are as a blessing. Once your femme side moves from being a curse to a positive part of your self much of the guilt and shame will dissipate.

Hugs,

Charlene

aka:Charrie