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Coming out to Mom - Really want to do it

17 Posts
14 Users
51 Reactions
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Posts: 9
Lady
Topic starter
(@mishy)
Eminent Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 4 months ago

Hi Everyone, 

As I've been spending more time as Michelle, I feel a greater need to come out to my mother and have her meet Michelle.  Although she has no idea, she has been so instrumental in my journey to this point.  From the time I was young I watched how she walked, moved, carried herself, dressed etc.  I learned my earliest sense of style from her and even through I don't dress like her any more I still see the way she influenced me.  Most importantly I've worn almost every piece of her clothing, so I feel like we have this strange bond.  I want her to know the true me and help me be Michelle more fully.  

... But I don't know if she would handle it well.

So I'm stuck 🙁 

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16 Replies
9 Replies
Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5221

@mishy 

I don't know if this will help at all, but this is what happened when I came out to my own mother last summer:

So … I just told my Mum – Personal Crossdressing Stories – Crossdresser Heaven Forums

Ellie x

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(@mishy)
Joined: 4 months ago

Eminent Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 9

@ellyd22 Wow Ellie!  Thank you for sharing that.  I hope she has continued to support you.  I may not have understood from your story, do you identify and dress as Ellie all the time?

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Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5221

@mishy 

Yes, total support from Mum and from my sister.

There are two more parts to the story, if you want to read a bit further!:

‘So … I just told my Mum’, Part 2. What happened next. – Personal Crossdressing Stories – Crossdresser Heaven Forums

So … I just told my Mum (Part 3): A series of unexpected events – Personal Crossdressing Stories – Crossdresser Heaven Forums

I'm trans, so yes I do identify as Ellie all the time. That's what I call myself 🙂

I dress at home full time (I took early retirement this summer) and have done for around 16 years now. I'm just at the point where I'm starting to go out and about as Ellie too, with the help and support of friends from the site. There are pictures of my first outings in my public gallery.

You can see that things have moved on very quickly since last summer ...

Hugs

Ellie x

 

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Ambassador
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1497

@mishy 

It's a tough call to make, that's for certain. The not knowing how she would handle it is impossible to predict, and a whole relationship rises or falls on the outcome.

At the risk of stating the obvious, you know your own mother best. You have a lifetime of experiences and memories on which to base your decision. Memories which you are understandably afraid of spoiling for both you and your mother.

She probably already knows. She'll probably have noticed that her things haven't been quite the way she left them after you've worn them, no matter how careful you've been. You may well ask, if she does know then why has she said nothing? Well, if she's anything like my mother, it's because she feels the secret is yours to tell.

I had the best relationship with my mum. She was loving, kind and forgiving, and doted on me. It's possible, indeed very probable, that she knew about my crossdressing, but chose to say nothing. I believe she felt that it was my secret to tell. And had I told her, I think that she would have handled it well, because of the strength of our love. The simple fact is, I held back because I was ashamed, and didn't want to spoil things between us.

My mum died of cancer in 1992. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't tell her about my crossdressing.

All this doesn't help you right now, I know. But I hope it gives you some extra food for thought in making your decision.

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(@mishy)
Joined: 4 months ago

Eminent Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 9

@jacquelinelarkspur Thank you for sharing that.  it's been many years by now since I lived at home, but it's definitely a possibility that she noticed given my extensive use of her clothing.

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Managing Ambassador
(@lizk)
Joined: 5 years ago

Illustrious Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 3859

@mishy 

Lots of good advice from @ellyd22 and @jacquelinelarkspur.  Yes, there's a good chance your mother knows.  And there's a good chance she will accept you.

My mom passed in 2007.  Unfortunately, I was deep in the closet and never came out to her.  But she knew because she caught me several times.  It was the elephant in the room for us.

Despite her conservative religious views, I think my mom would've found a way to accept that part of me.  But I wasn't ready to accept myself.

There is one thing worse than hiding from the world.  Hiding from yourself.

I'm very happy for you that you've gotten this far.  I hope you find the clarity you are seeking.

Hugs, Liz

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@mishy Michelle, there are many variables to consider. What is your age, her age. Are you going out as Michelle? How is your health and her health. If you are going out as Michelle how likely is it word will get back to her. Have you come out to someone else. I think if there is a possibility that she will find out from someone else it MIGHT be better if she finds out from you. 

I'll tell you what happened for me. It was about 5.5 years ago that I was hit with the pink fog and was under dressing every day and more when I got the chance during the day. Then it was just over 4 years ago that I so much wanted to tell my mother, but she had Alzhimers real bad, and I was unsure how to tell her. 

About 3.5 years ago my mother passed away. To this day it breaks my heart that she never met Cassie. BUT as we all know we never know for sure how someone is going to react.

I do console myself by going to her grave site on Mother's Day and singing for her (her birthday is close to Mother's Day). 

I hope you find what works for you. 

Cassie 

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4016

@loneleycd Your story reminded me of what Brenda Venus, the muse of Henry Miller, did when his life was ending. I won't retell it here, but you can read it in her book Dear, Dear Brenda.

The reason to do something such as revealing ourselves should be thought about carefully, as you did.

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Lady
(@kimdl94)
Joined: 9 months ago

Reputable Member     Blearmill, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 175

@mishy take your time thinking about and be clear to yourself about why you want to come out to your mom.  Generally speaking, mothers are pretty accepting of their children, but take into account what you know about your family dynamics and her attitudes.

Good luck.

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Posts: 281
(@coloradog1)
Honorable Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

If this is really important to you then I’d say come out to her. She might react bad at first but will probably come around. After all family is family 

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Posts: 112
(@carloscloset)
Estimable Member     Colorado, United States of America
Joined: 3 months ago

Based on your replies, it seems like you don't depend on her for food or shelter.  As others have mentioned, there is a chance that she knows about you wearing her clothes.

Just be aware that there is a risk that either she or other members of your family might cut you out of their lives.  We all hope that family is there to support us unconditionally,  but the evidence points differently, specially when strong "religious" or political influences are present.

Good luck!

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Posts: 3445
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Like Ellie I did come out to my mother, she was the first I told.

Like you I had dressed in her clothes and my sisters in secret. However my mum like dtheatre and was a dancer when she was younger so it was not rare to be dressed as a girl for fun events and even a bit of dressing in play.

There was that trepidation about telling her and times when courage drained at the point of talking about it. Finally the deed was done and she accepted it with the words'It doesn't do any one any harm'. She was a good supporter and was the first person I went out dressed with and it went onto me coming out more. 

Of course, as others have said, you know her best and I also wonder if she knew but remained quiet. Surprisingly my mother said that she never knew I dressed in secret, no matter how many times asked over the years.

It will only gnaw at you if you don't say something so I wish you well and let us know the outcome.

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Posts: 1797
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Famed Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

You have gotten some very good advice from some very knowledgeable and experienced trans ladies above but ultimately it's you who has to weigh all the options and make the decision. Just realize that it goes well most times when telling our mothers but it's not 100%. There have been a few occasions where it hasn't gone well and you have to be ready to deal with that if it happens with your mother. If you and your mother have a close, loving relationship, then you will probably be fine. And, if you two are close and loving, then one way to proceed may be you choosing the path that's best for her. You know her best.

If you're not 100% sure what to do then just wait. At some point in the future you'll decide exactly how to proceed. Being confident about it yourself will help your mom see how strongly you feel about presenting as a woman.

I wish you well whatever you decide.

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Posts: 1019
Duchess
(@gracepal)
Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 5 months ago

Michelle I have a couple questions. As CITC noted above, are you living with her or dependent upon her? And firstly - ask yourself will both your and her relationship with each other be improved by you announcing this? After all, it should be win/win. If not, I probably wouldn’t.

However if you do proceed why not explore a conversation of - “Mom, have you noticed anything unusual around here with you and me?” For all you know the answer might be - “Like you borrowing my clothes without asking?” Then it’s smooth sailing Mishy 🥰

 

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Posts: 1742
Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

I never told my mother, and don't regret it either. There was never a need for her to know, and in her last few years she started having memory issues.

I think she would have been accepting. The problem is she would have at least told a brother who still lived with her, and possibly others. Then it would have gotten around to my other siblings.

So one thing you have to think about is, will she keep the secret or spread it around? This can be a concern if you are a part-time crossdresser and not trying to go full time.

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Posts: 125
Duchess
(@traci429)
Reputable Member     Brighton area, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

I wish I had the opportunity to tell my mom, as we were very close. It does depend on your relationship with her and how you think she might react. If she is very religious and she lets you know her feelings about the LGBTQ community then that might help. Maybe a conversation about crossdressing or genders in general and work your way into the conversation. I told my wife that I liked to wear women’s silky underwear and pantyhose, then progressed from there. My mom passed away over 20 years ago but I believe she would have accepted me. I wish I had someone close like that who I could dress with and get makeup help with. Anyhow, best of luck and let us know how it goes if you decide to tell her.  After all, it’s only clothing, right? Hugs, Traci

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