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I've spoken in the past about the acceptance pendulum. This is where my wife would swing from not at all accepting to fully accepting.... And then back.... Thankfully she's is far on the accepting side these days.
I've noticed that I have a confidence pendulum. I've been practically living as Cerys for the past few months. Everything I do in male mode gets done in Cerys mode. For various reasons, I've spent a bit more time in male mode, up to 4 or 5 days at one point....Either this, or I'll start in Cerys mode, but get changed to go out and about. Part of this is the hassle of doing my face and hair, the other part is lack of confidence. The past few days have been all Cerys. Two great nights out at Dragged to Church, where I could go OTT on what I wear (See pic in public photos), but during the day, I'd be in Cerys mode but nervous about going places.
I've been sat here thinking about this, and I realised that every now and then my confidence takes a hit. I have no idea why. Normally, Cerys boosts my confidence. Today, I needed to go to the post office. I went to one further away where the people didn't know me.
Tomorrow, I have the day to myself. My plan is to get up, shower and shave and put on Cerys. I'm going to force myself to go into the city centre. Normally, I look forward to Cerys going into town. I'm actually feeling nervous about it. I'll choose an outfit that I think I look great in, but rather than fill me with confidence, I'm nervous!
This isn't a new thing. I've been thinking back and it's happened in the past, but it seems that the frequency of the swing of the pendulum is getting faster lately.
Does anyone else go through this?
Cerys
For me Cerys, even though I am full time, I have these moments too. It comes and goes and is a difficult one to really counter and explain. Back when I was going out occasionally then more often it was understandable as I wanted to be seen as a female but very conscious of who I actually was and how people would see me and treat me. That is in the past now so what is the cause?
Everyone has days where they feel a bit low, appearance and other factors and would rather not go out. With us it's a different dynamic as we want to dress, go out but something stops us. Is it real lack of confidence or something deeper?
I had a phase where my dressing was becoming confusing and there were doubts so felt uncomfortable going out so had a the deep think and realised it was going further so worked with it to my conclusion.
We all have to work out this lack of confidence but having blips and a reset is normal and hope you find your solution.
I think I know what you are talking about Cerys. Over the past couple of yearsI have been out and about often, and other than a goofy stock kid at DSW I have not had as much as a strange look in my direction. You would think that would do wonders for my confidence but instead I find I'm waiting for my luck to run out and I will be clocked severely. I find when I get ready to go out and about I really question myself more and more, wondering if my presentation is good enough - not to mention the more subtle aspects like my mannerisms and voice. It hasn't stopped me yet, and I'm trying to take it all as a positive to inspire me to improve.
There were a couple of things that made me feel this way recently. I deleted all of my private photos from here and got quite close to deleting my profile. I didn't only due to a lovely message someone sent me.
I know how you feel my interest in crossdressing can wax and wane over time especially as my living situation only allows me to dress infrequently. Sometimes I can feel really confident about being Lizzy and want to show her off to world but then I think oh shit (excuse my French) what if someone I know regonises me and my confidence drops or I think I can't be arsed shaving and putting on makeup so give myself an excuse not to.
I'm closeted by choice but thanks to a great and very accepting, supportive and encouraging boyfriend I always have high confidence, especially since my dressing is 99% romantic lingerie I can't wait to wear it to bed every night and the way my boyfriend looks at me when I wear it, not to mention what he says to me about how I look in it, gives me that much more confidence. I know that every time I dress he's going to give me a positive reaction and it makes me feel so incredible.