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Confidence pendulum

14 Posts
12 Users
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Posts: 822
Lady
Topic starter
(@dazzler)
Noble Member     Cardiff, South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

I've spoken in the past about the acceptance pendulum. This is where my wife would swing from not at all accepting to fully accepting.... And then back.... Thankfully she's is far on the accepting side these days.

I've noticed that I have a confidence pendulum. I've been practically living as Cerys for the past few months. Everything I do in male mode gets done in Cerys mode. For various reasons, I've spent a bit more time in male mode, up to 4 or 5 days at one point....Either this, or I'll start in Cerys mode, but get changed to go out and about. Part of this is the hassle of doing my face and hair, the other part is lack of confidence. The past few days have been all Cerys. Two great nights out at Dragged to Church, where I could go OTT on what I wear (See pic in public photos), but during the day, I'd be in Cerys mode but nervous about going places. 
I've been sat here thinking about this, and I realised that every now and then my confidence takes a hit. I have no idea why. Normally, Cerys boosts my confidence. Today, I needed to go to the post office. I went to one further away where the people didn't know me. 

Tomorrow, I have the day to myself. My plan is to get up, shower and shave and put on Cerys. I'm going to force myself to go into the city centre. Normally, I look forward to Cerys going into town. I'm actually feeling nervous about it. I'll choose an outfit that I think I look great in, but rather than fill me with confidence, I'm nervous!
This isn't a new thing. I've been thinking back and it's happened in the past, but it seems that the frequency of the swing of the pendulum is getting faster lately.

Does anyone else go through this?

Cerys

 

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13 Replies
8 Replies
Lady
(@rockcdfan)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Salt Lake City, Utah, United States of America
Posts: 25

@dazzler

Thanks for your comment, I never really thought about it but after reading your comment, especially when you said that you went to a post office farther from your house...that really made me think about high and low confidence days.

High Confidence:

I get something similar when I go out as a man clothes shopping. Sometimes I am all in and browse and grab clothes and head right to the dressing room without a care in the world of all of the people around. When I buy my clothes, the teller almost always asks if I am buying for my wife... and I confidently tell them that its for me. Super high personal confidence with my head held high.

Low Confidence:

Other times I am in the same store, but I moving around like a thief trying not to be caught stealing. I am hiding dresses under a button down polo shirt, walking past areas I want to go to because a store employee or shopper is in that area. When I check out with my stuff, I tell them that I am shopping for my wife and lie through my teeth.

I have no idea why either happens. I think I prefer the high confidence when I don't care what others think. 

If you figure it out or figure out a way to have more high confidence days, please share with me!!!!

 

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(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 1284

@dazzler

Does anyone else go through this?

Yes. About now, actually.

My wife and I had a 'discussion' the other day about the fact that I did too much Becca and now it's swung the other way and I've done it very little since. I planned to go out on my own today but my heart just wasn't in it. It's not that she's gone completely cold on it, I mean, I'm wearing a skirt right now and she isn't bothered, but it's knocked my confidence and my inclination to get my Becca on and go out on my own.

For now, I'm just letting the situation do whatever it wants and I am waiting to see what happens. I think it will all depend on if she asks me to go out with her as Becca, as to where we go with it. If that takes too long then I'll probably just resort to dressing on my own, even if Becca comes back to me and doesn't bring my wife along with her.

There are trying times for cross-dressers occasionally; goes with the territory I suppose.

Becca

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2147

@dazzler I think we all on a pendulum something like that. I am presenting as Cassie full time these days, but occasionally I go out for a walk without shaving or putting on my face. 

Cassie 

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Lady
(@kimdl94)
Joined: 9 months ago

Reputable Member     Blearmill, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 173

@dazzler  It happens, that’s for sure.   In my own case, a personal moment of doubt may be triggered by something entirely outside of my own life, which is odd.  Usually, the feelings of doubt don’t last long or, as you have done, I just push through the doubt and enjoy getting out again.

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 1013

@dazzler Confidence pendulum. Acceptance pendulum. Those are “human” feelings that everyone has at times regardless of their outer layers of clothing. Certainly it’s not unique to crossdressers.

Every response to this topic so far reinforces my decision to stay inside as an “indoor cat”. No matter what level of confidence one summons up to go out in the general public, you’re still a man wearing a dress. And society is still a long way away from that being an everyday common sight. You can do a lazy job of it and stand out or you can do a fantastic job of it and stand out. You will get “looks”. No one you engage with who’s paying attention will be fooled. You can have all the confidence in the world about going out -but you cannot control the acceptance of others. Some will, some won’t and that’s just the way it goes. You’re doing you and they’re doing them. Have at it, that’s your right. All you can do is hope for the best.

Personally, I don’t want that kind of scrutiny. I’m the guy who only goes out on the dance floor when everyone else is out there too. I know myself well enough to know that I would never want to feel nervous and stared at going anywhere. Especially to places like the post office or shopping. Why would I do that to myself when I don’t even have to? I wouldn’t.

Thank you for the reminder that no matter how many steps we climb in the ladder of our crossdressing endeavors, we still live in the real world. And first and foremost, I have always been and will remain, a realist.

GP

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Lady
(@dazzler)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     Cardiff, South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Posts: 822

@gracepal In my experience, even if you don't fool anyone, very few, if any, will say anything. I've never had a negative remark. Most people will not notice until you interact with them directly, and when they do, nothings said. Because if this, I'm normally very confident. Even if something was said, normally I feel that if be confident enough to brush it off. I know what I am. I refuse to hide away.... That's the confident me. That's the usual me. Only occasionally do I get the wobbles. 

Today I went into town. A busy city centre. To re-establish my confidence, I took extra time putting my face on. A chose a smart outfit, one I feel I look great in. I put on my fur lined coat with lovely fur collar.. . Then I caught the bus! A busy bus! Nowhere to hide. By the time I got off the bus, confident Cerys had returned. The wobble is over. The confidence pendulum has swung back to the good side 🙂

Getting out is important to me. It's something I longed if be able to do many years ago. It took many years, but now it is every day. It's almost normal. The wobbles are short lived. I'd rather get out and risk the wobble than hide away and not have to worry about them. 

Dont let the fear off what people might say lock you inside. Hind you head high and step through the door ... Even if it's just a walk in the dark.

Cerys

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 1013

@dazzler Cerys I do “get it.” And glad to hear you regained your confidence, best thing you can always do is get right back on the horse. You did the right thing for you. And many girls on CDH will gain strength from that.🥰 If you think it through, what would someone who clocks you say that would mean anything? If they were to start yelling and pointing - they would just be making an a** of themselves, something most civilized people try and avoid.

I like to look at things from all sides whenever possible - then I’ll decide what works for me. It’s easy to get swept up in the pink fog when you first arrive at CDH. So much positivity and reinforcement. We post pics and we care what people think about them. We post thoughts and see who agrees and who doesn’t. It’s all good when its here in the safety of the ether. Getting swept up and trotting outside in your tutu…well, that’s something else entirely.

I don’t care what people think or say either. Or if they want to snicker, that’s okay too. I also know what I am. However, I do care about my being comfortable and at ease when I’m out in public. Hanging out with groups of us sounds very appealing to me. Meeting like minded sisters too, making a few friends.  I see that there’s this “natural progression mindset” on here for many that you take these steps in your journey and then at some point you go out and about as your female self. I don’t know that I even have a female self. I feel like more of an actress who likes to look good. I don’t feel like I have “female thoughts.” If anything, it’s the opposite, no matter what I have on. So to imagine me dressing up as Grace and heading out alone or even with my wife, (who has suggested it btw) is just something I don’t see me doing. I never even imagine it tbh…I have to have that desire to begin with and right now, it’s just not there. And I will give my time here on CDH so far the credit for being able to say that at this juncture. When I read the posts and stories here and apply them to my situation it helps me reason it all out pretty clearly. Here in my home I get pretty giddy as Grace. I can imagine that giddiness being replaced by thoughts of “holy s***!” were I to venture out to non-crossdresser venues alone.

I used to know a guy who had a sailboat in the SF bay. I would go sailing with my cousin back then often. Every time we came to where his boat was docked in the bay, there was Ray, working on his boat in the berth next to us. Sanding the wood, applying endless coats of lacquer to the thing. One day I asked Ray, how often do you take her out into the bay? His answer: “I never have in the 2 years I’ve had her.” I said WTH! Are you kiddin!?!

He just looked up and said, “Grace, there are plenty of ways to enjoy a boat without ever taking it out on the water.” That always stuck with me and I feel it’s an appropriate analogy for my crossdressing as well.🥰

GP

 

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(@lauren114)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Delaware, United States of America
Posts: 1197

@dazzler I have absolutely experienced this Cerys.   The worst part about it for me is that I can't determine what triggers it.   It seems like I'm at the top of my game one day and then hitting bottom next.   It isn't like I'm having bad experiences in encounters with people or anything of the sort.  All of it just seems to be cooked up in my head.   The best explanation I can find is that it represents a conflict between the way I have been programmed in life as opposed to what I have discovered my reality to be.  All it does is point out to me that I am still a work in progress and I still have distance to go.  I'm trying to not let it get me down but it is something of a struggle. 

Hang in there sister....we can get through this!

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Posts: 3404
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

For me Cerys, even though I am full time, I have these moments too. It comes and goes and is a difficult one to really counter and explain. Back when I was going out occasionally then more often it was understandable as I wanted to be seen as a female but very conscious of who I actually was and how people would see me and treat me. That is in the past now so what is the cause?

Everyone has days where they feel a bit low, appearance and other factors and would rather not go out. With us it's a different dynamic as we want to dress, go out but something stops us. Is it real lack of confidence or something deeper?

I had a phase where my dressing was becoming confusing and there were doubts so felt uncomfortable going out so had a the deep think and realised it was going further so worked with it to my conclusion. 

We all have to work out this lack of confidence but having blips and a reset is normal and hope you find your solution.

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Posts: 469
Lady
(@krisburton)
Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

I think I know what you are talking about Cerys. Over the past couple of yearsI have been out and about often, and other than a goofy stock kid at DSW I have not had as much as a strange look in my direction. You would think that would do wonders for my confidence but instead I find I'm waiting for my luck to run out and I will be clocked severely. I find when I get ready to go out and about I really question myself more and more, wondering if my presentation is good enough - not to mention the more subtle aspects like my mannerisms and voice. It hasn't stopped me yet, and I'm trying to take it all as a positive to inspire me to improve.

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Posts: 1788
Baroness
(@annaredhead)
Famed Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 11 months ago

There were a couple of things that made me feel this way recently. I deleted all of my private photos from here and got quite close to deleting my profile. I didn't only due to a lovely message someone sent me.

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Posts: 154
Duchess
(@lizzy89)
Reputable Member     GreaterManchester, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 months ago

I know how you feel my interest in crossdressing can wax and wane over time especially as my living situation only allows me to dress infrequently. Sometimes I can feel really confident about being Lizzy and want to show her off to world but then I think oh shit (excuse my French) what if someone I know regonises me and my confidence drops or I think I can't be arsed shaving and putting on makeup so give myself an excuse not to.

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Posts: 748
Lady
(@jess92)
Prominent Member     Florida, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

I'm closeted by choice but thanks to a great and very accepting, supportive and encouraging boyfriend I always have high confidence, especially since my dressing is 99% romantic lingerie I can't wait to wear it to bed every night and the way my boyfriend looks at me when I wear it, not to mention what he says to me about how I look in it, gives me that much more confidence. I know that every time I dress he's going to give me a positive reaction and it makes me feel so incredible.

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