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Conundrum

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Posts: 335
Lady
Topic starter
(@charlenev)
Reputable Member     ???? Park, Illinois, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

I posted the following on my wall, but decided it would serve equally well as a "General Chat - Life Goes On Entry." I did not include the final question on my wall, but again since this is a "chat" forum, the question seemed fitting.
For well nigh 60 years I have lived with a deep sense of gender incongruity. More than a crossdresser, yet for the sake of love and integrity I am unwilling to transition (but to be honest I am begrudgingly unwilling).
However I have no heart to give up that incongruity. Who would I then be?
And equally as honestly, I am ready to be a woman. I have a heart for womanhood. Womanhood in its entirety is my deepest longing. Giving up the sense of incongruity would mean abandoning what seems to be at this point a very remote possibility of being a woman. That is a possibility I have no desire to loose, albeit on this side of the gender divide I live with a deep sense of frustration. In some odd sort of way I am content with being a trans-woman.
Jan Morris, an English transwoman from the 70s (if I remember the time correctly) titled her autobiography, “Conundrum”. Surely the life of we who are transgender is exactly that, a conundrum.  Is not wanting to give up gender incongruity for the reason stated odd or is that your experience also?

Just curious how odd I am? 🙂
Blessings
Charrie

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(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

Charlene my friend, we all have a conundrum we live with be it family or professional obligations, personal worries and concerns or out right the worry of do I really want to transition. None of us live in a perfect world that permits everything without some sacrifices or losses. As you know I recently had a major change in my professional life and as such had to choose what was best for my family over what I wanted and yearned for, to be a woman. With that said the conundrum I faced was family vs personal satisfaction. I know I would never be happy without my family so my personal conundrum was which would make me more unhappy and I know that would be the loss of my wife and children so I did the adult thing and took a new job that provides for us all and my wife and I acknowledged that in turn I would need to find time for my feminine side. We have agreed that without the ability to have that time and release I would be miserable and in turn so would they. Therefore the conundrum becomes mitigated and an acceptable solution for all. No I will never be able to live as a woman but my ability to express my femininity even in my daily existence will be allowed and the understanding of my wife that it is an imperative part of me is if not satisfied completely at least acknowledged and accepted. Good luck with your solution paradigm and an acceptable end solution.

🍷C

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Posts: 201
Baroness
(@rochellem)
Estimable Member     Eastern WI, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Wow, Charrie, thanks for re-posting from your wall.  As CDs or transwomen (or a little of both?) we all have much in common.  But our real and unique qualities can confound us.  We have some sense for where we fit along the gender spectrum, but this may not be a fixed position over our live times, or at least it hasn't been for me. And when I have a particularly enriching time en femme, usually with other kindred spirits, I could image my inner woman taking center stage in my life moving forward.  Then, after a while I feel the male side pulling me back (or just centering me again).

I don't posses your feelings or know the deep yearning inside you to be a woman while not wanting to remove the incongruity of your maleness because it is integral to your identify.  It is also not as simple as saying, well, based on your description, you must be close to female (90%) but the other 10% male is a real part of you that won't be denied either.  I suspect we seek to be free of this tension we feel between genders, but maybe it is always part of who we (or some of us) are, or at least how we feel some (most?) of the time.

I have sometimes strong yearnings to be female--they comes and go and may not be as intense as others feel.  I will also find out over time if giving my inner woman physical expression 2-3 times a month provides some sort of balance for me...probably won't know for a while.

But I do hope you find solace and hope from other transwomen who can more directly identify with your feelings.  A lot of love and support around these parts!

Hugs,

Rochelle

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Posts: 1700
Hostess
(@pattygurlcd)
Noble Member     Louisville, Kentucky, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Wow Carolyne,

That really touches me the way you put that.
I have been in a similar conundrum and been a little frustrated at times because I choose my wife and family over my dressing a lot of times.
However you really made me feel better about it.

Thanks for sharing, That was really nice.
Patty

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Posts: 446
Lady
(@bren58)
Honorable Member     Apache Junction, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Hi Charleen,

You state that you consider yourself, " more than a crossdresser, but for the sake of love and integrity, your unwilling to transition, begrudgingly unwilling. It sounds to me that you already know who you are but your just not willing to accept it. And why integrity?? I understand your perception on love, but NOBODY can fully give of themselves in any relationship unless they are first whole. And it sounds to me, your asking for help in becoming whole. If deep down you truly feel female and are considering transition, (and you must have because you stated it), you owe it to yourself to at least investigate that possibility. I strongly urge you to see a gender therapist and sort out your feelings and why you think transitioning would show a lack of love and integrity. Also, just because you feel feminine, it doesn't mean transition is your only avenue to feeling whole. But you must invest into yourself thru therapy to get your answer and if I were your spouse, SO or family member, I would see your opting for therapy as though your taking responsibility. And anyone who takes responsibility for themselves is showing that they have integrity and love for those persons in their life.

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive to your problem as I am very understanding. I allowed my problems to compound until I was sitting on the side of my bed with my 9mm, considering ending it all. And I'm not saying you will do that, but I urge you to choose happiness in life and be whoever, whatever you want to be. It is your life and no one else's, don't allow anyone to influence how you live your life.

I wish the best for you Hon, only you can find your path.

Hugs, Breanna

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Posts: 335
Lady
Topic starter
(@charlenev)
Reputable Member     ???? Park, Illinois, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

Dear Carolynne,

From my first appearance here on CDH, through my disappearance for months, back to now, my reappearance, you have been faithful, regularly offering kindness, wisdom, and support while doing your best to manage your own conundrum.

Thank you ever so much. I am so happy that with your new position you have nevertheless been able to work out time for self expression with your lovely wife. God bless.

Hugs,

Charlene.

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Posts: 335
Lady
Topic starter
(@charlenev)
Reputable Member     ???? Park, Illinois, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

Hi Rochelle,

Only recently have we become friends. But I am so happy we have that friendship. Your words are a treasured encouragement to me. Thank you.

Hugs,

Charrie

(this is really frustrating. this reply was meant to be attached to Rochelle's reply to the main topic. Can anyone tell me what I am doing wrong that replies to replies don't get stacked correctly.

My reply to Carolynne worked. I believe I did the same posting maneuvers, but this one failed to be posted properly.

Can anyone help me get this right? Please.

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Posts: 335
Lady
Topic starter
(@charlenev)
Reputable Member     ???? Park, Illinois, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

Hi Breanna,

Thank you for your heartfelt reply. I appreciate your thoughts. Insensitive? Not at all.

You are more like the voice of the big sister giving advice to her little sister. You have walked further along than I and in your experience you are urging me to follow what you really believe is best for me.

Thank you Sis. Yet what you have inside is still missing inside me.

As to why, or how to fully embrace whatever "that" is. . . well that is part of my conundrum.

Hugs,

Charrie

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Posts: 1462
Duchess
(@flatlander48)
Noble Member     Cathedral City, California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I was born under the sign of Sagittarius. One of our most significant traits is that of Optimism (and actually, sometimes when it probably isn’t warranted). There are some things that I would really like to do, but I know that time and circumstances are working against that. But, keeping that small flame of Optimism alive is to remember that there is always a possibility and it may also leave the door open for other things...

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