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For a few years now I have been considering therapy and a few months ago I bit the bullet and started counselling. Perhaps surprisingly the issue I really need help with is not gender related (at least that is not the biggest issue in my life right now) but anxiety around travelling.
I have had 5 sessions and to be honest the sessions seem to be adding to my anxiety rather than helping with it. I know it will probably take more time but it does cost and I am wondering if it worth continuing? I have done some reading around the subject and I see people saying that they have been in therapy for years before seeing a result and that leaves me wondering if those people would have arrived at the same place without counselling, I mean we all change over time and maybe time is the best healer? I cannot afford to do this for years.
What are your experiences, have you been in therapy, did it work, how long did it take to see results?
@butteryeffect Cathy, I've seen it said in these pages before, but I don't need counselling. I'm quite comfortable with who I am. It's the rest of the world that needs it. Having said that, if there was someone who could help me come out to my wife then I'd be open to that. As long as they could guarantee a positive result 😂 xx
@chrisfp99 I can guarantee that for you, of course, my guarantee isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
@butteryeffect Cathy I haven't been in therapy so cannot really contribute bar saying if anxiety levels are increasing due to the sessions they are clearly having a negative effect. So you have answered your own question. Katie.
@butteryeffect You will get many replies, pro and con. I will say this , I feel you might want to consider a different counselor. In my case, I was lucky that my first reaction got me a winner. I was looking for anxiety counseling. After narrowing down by gender, i wanted to have a female as i feel they are more patient ant tolerant of feelings. Next age ,( didn’t want my granddaughter age counseling. next experienced and trained. All that was bio stuff. Then I looked at pictures. I was drawn to one who had understanding and helpful eyes in her photo. The connection was there. In the first 15 minutes I knew she would be a great counselor. If you would Ike to know more, PM me 🤗
I've been thru five therapists. Three of them were quacks. Did more harm than good. One was merely a waste of time and money. The one I have now saved my life. I wouldn't be where I am without her.
Allie @alexina speaks the truth. What you get out of therapy will be determined by the quality of the therapist, how much you share and how hard you are willing to work on yourself.
I'll add that you must be comfortable with your therapist to get much out of therapy. It won't matter how good they are if you aren't comfortable. For gender issues, I'd strongly recommend a female therapist. They're easier to talk to.
A good therapist won't give you answers. They will ask the probing questions that force you to uncover the root causes of your distress and then come to terms with it. Confronting your demons is no fun. They will haunt you until you do.
Liz xx
@lizk Liz - well said. I have two female therapists and have been with them for a while. I second all of your your points - therapists should challenge you to confront yourself. And therapy is what you put into it, therefore, find someone you can build a relationship with.
Thanks for starting this thread, Kathy. It's generated a healthy discussion, and I hope it's given readers food for thought. So is counselling worth it ? Here's my take on it.
I used to be a sort of 'counsellor'. By that I mean I took turns on a help desk that computing students could use to sort out their programming problems.
God forbid, but I'll simplify it by making it binary.
One set of students arrived with an attitude of "i don't need an explanation, just give me a solution ". No, that never worked. My task was not to give solutions, but to encourage students with strategies to work it out for themselves. I could have debugged their program for them, but how would that help them with their next problem?
Others turned up with a much more positive attitude as in "I don't understand what's going on". They were much better fodder. I'd take them through their failing program line by line.
"What's the point of doing this?". "If this code's not working, can you solve it a different way". In other words, I was just a friendly ear, what was called a "cardboard programmer". I didn't solve anything, I just encouraged them to think and more importantly verbalise the problem out for themselves.
Isn't that what a good counsellor should be doing ?
Yes, of course they should. And of course I could have been better. But then I remember some of the other colleagues who reluctantly "manned" the help desk. Expletives deleted. They were crap. Too busy talking, not enough listening. They gave the help desk a bad reputation.
So here we go, finally an answer. There's value in counselling, but that doesn't mean every counsellor has value.
@emmat Over the years, I used a similar Socratic technique of asking questions to lead someone to helping themselves. It used to annoy the crap out of some, let's call them, students. But, like you, I figured just giving them the answer straight away didn't help them much, if at all.
I am also not above asking lots of questions, either. Apparently, that used to really annoy my karate master. Ask me how I know that. 🤣
@butteryeffect There are many wonderful responses to your post! I agree with all of them. I have seen a couple therapists throughout my life. The interesting thing is, I often go thinking I want to resolve one issue and working on several others. Then realizing the original issue was not that big after all.
I totally agree with finding the right therapist. The one that I am seeing now is wonderful!
Five sessions in therapy is just the beginning. That’s what, five hours? It takes time for the therapist to begin to know you and for you to become comfortable in sharing freely and honestly in return.
How long will it take? Depends on what problems or concerns you’re trying to address. If it’s anxiety with traveling, that may be a relatively short process. On the other hand, someone dealing with chronic depression or borderline personality disorder may indeed need ongoing therapy.
The other thing to remember is that therapy sessions are only part of the process. If you’re dealing with travel anxiety, I presume you have “assignments” aimed at helping you learn to diffuse the anxieties you are feeling or even prevent them from occurring.
Think of therapy sessions as coaching. Once you leave the bench and go out onto the field, you try to apply what your coach has been teaching. Then your therapist can use your real life experience to help you hone your ability to manage the anxieties.
Therapy is a process and takes work. The time you apply outside of the therapists office will determine the speed and success of therapy.
Hi, Cathy! For a brief time, several years ago, I met with a wonderful therapist. She was extremely cognizant of CD / TG issues and concerns, as her own husband transitioned mtf - which led her to actually shift her entire counseling focus to working primarily with transgender people. She was wonderful and helped me to see certain things about myself more clearly. With that said, I quickly realized that I didn't need anyone (therapist or lay person) to help me realize, understand, and accept that despite what others saw in my outward appearance - I was a woman. We ended our sessions at about the one-year point, with me promising that I'd reach back out to her if I ever felt I was struggling with Shawna's evolution. So far, I've not felt the need for additional counseling, although I check-in every now and then to let her know how I'm doing (sometimes just a quick text) to which she always responds.
What has come as a major surprise to me is how much support (and dare I say "therapy") I receive from my primary care physician! She and her wife are strong advocates in the local LGBTQ community, and I happened to be the first transgender woman for whom she managed care from the very beginning of the process. She prescribed my HRT regimen and is very involved in my life. It's sort of like visiting with my sister when I have a check-up or annual physical...LOL!
I guess my point, in my very long-winded way, is that counseling from the right person is always beneficial but sometimes comes from sources we may not always expect.
All the best to you, my sister!
XO Shawna
Hi, Cathy.
There's a short, but pertinent, answer to your question about whether therapy works and how long it takes.
It depends on the quality of the therapist and how much you share with them/work with them.
I'm not being blithe or dismissive here, them's the facts. Therapists and counsellors say it themselves, they work with you to identify the, often hidden, cause of the apparent issue. This process certainly can be uncomfortable in cases where we are encouraged to look at the things we've buried or ignored for a long time.
Now that might not be the case with you, I'm drawing from my own, brief, experience with a counsellor and a psychologist and I only offer this as something to consider.
Ultimately, I'm with Sartre, we are condemned to be free to choose. He didn't use the term, "condemned" inappropriately.
Whatever you choose to do, know that you have a huge support group here.
Allie x
@alexina That's also what my counsellor said and what I have done. I've unpacked a lot of stuff and we do seem to get on okay but there doesn't seem to be much of a connection being made between all the issues I've told her about and any kind o progress on the issue I want to address.
Cathy, I had three paragraphs written in reply to this but it just occurred to me to ask, have you raised your concerns with the counsellor?
Her response may help you to decide whether to keep going with her or consider looking for another one.
Allie x
@alexina I did and her response was along the lines of "its up to you whether you want to continue".
Well, that may be more helpful than it appears. Do what feels right to you, Cathy.
Maybe not what you want to hear, but 5 sessions is still the early stages. You and your therapist are still building the therapeutic relationship upon which future gains will be built. That level of trust and openness aren't made overnight. That said, 5 sessions is more than enough to know if you can work with that person. There's no such thing as cheap, fast therapy, sadly. And the truth is that if you aren't truly committed to the whole enterprise you're wasting your time and money. If you don't believe that person can help you, they probably can't. For my part, I can say honestly that without regular therapy I would not have survived my first wife.
@butteryeffect As @alexina Allie noted, the two biggest factors are the therapist's ability and your own commitment to the process.
It's my own opinion that a good therapist is really just there to ask you questions. "Why do you think you feel that way?" "Have you considered looking at it like this?" etc
They should be there to guide you to helping you, since you, by far, know you best.
I think it's very important for you to click with your therapist, so that you feel comfortable sharing and open to their ideas. If you don't feel that way, then I think it's fine to say so and look for another.
I did an intake session last month with a counselor that referred me to a psychiatrist specializing in gender issues. My insurance is with a large medical group. It was a very positive experience. CDH has already given me some of the answers I needed. Which helped to answer hers. She pointed out that there are lots of forks in the road on this journey, and was there to help me decide which ones I would like to take. Also that freedom has it's costs. And the life meter is running. She gave me a few things to work on, and included that HRT was available when I'm ready. So far, I'm stoked.
@melania Just being honest, a therapist is a good thing and most insurance will cover it. When I was dating a trans women openly as a male she actually requested I see someone to talk to about it as she was my first trans gf and she wanted me out of the closet so we would have a better time together. It was worth it for me and covered by insurance so was just my time. I was man mode back then. At first it was hard, because I had to deal with the fact that no matter where we went we always had eyes on us. After awhile that went away. We still remain good friends to this day.
I invested quite a few years into therapy for crossdressing and I had mixed results. Let me try to explain....
I went in wanting to get an answer for Why? and we examined childhood events, relationships, and other elements. And while a definitive answer wasn't achieved the process did help explain some of the motivation. But as we all know getting that Why? question answered is much like catching a unicorn. Final analysis was it "just was" a part of me. We can debate whether this was helpful and I'm inclined to say that for the money I could have figured that much out on my own but it was good to have someone to speak through it which probably saved some time.
The next element of my purpose in seeking therapy was to assist in navigating my marriage with crossdressing having come roaring back into my life from a very long hibernation. No amount of therapy would solve this riddle because having the knowledge that my wife would not be accepting and me having a firm unwillingness to broach the subject for fear of the worst possible outcome made this part of our sessions a circular discussion with no resolution.
What probably kept me going for so long as this gave me a monthly opportunity to dress and spend time in the company of another person.
So is it worth it? That depends on you and what you are willing to actively do in your life to address how crossdressing fits in your life. It's not like taking your car in to get the transmission fixed.
@darcy97 Darcy, several points in your response really resonate with me. Firstly the why question. I don't believe there's an answer, but I also don't need to know. The why is unimportant. I believe we're born with it, just like musical ability (I've had a lot of arguments on that one) or sports prowess
My crossdressing has relatively recently come back in spades after a long hiatus. I am in exactly the same place as you, as in I'd so love to raise my crossdressing with my wife. But I know she would be unreceptive to say the least, so I steer completely clear of the topic. I don't believe any counsellor who doesn't know the pair of us intimately would be able to advise on how to approach the subject. So I assume Darcy you are stuck in the same frustrating space as me. What's to be done to get some quality girl time? I'm afraid I don't have the answers honey. Great post. At least you got to dress once a month. More than I do 😂.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99 you hit on a solid point, if your purpose of counseling is to find a way to bring your crossdressing out in the open to your partner than the therapist would have to see and learn about both of you to help guide the process. At least that's how I see it having to work within my relationship. That said I think my SO would feel that it was a trap and it would all fall apart pretty rapidly. I feel confident in saying that if you want crossdressing and an SO that you need to lay your cards on the table at the start of the relationship which can be hard to do if the crossdressing as been dormant for such a long time.
A revealing conversation at the start of a relationship telling your potential partner all of your intimate likes and dislikes would probably result in more happy marriages so long as both parties liked the others lists. But what a scary proposition....however the alternative is living a life where you are scared to tell your SO everything about yourself.
My wife recently found a pair of my panties so I did have to out myself, but knowing how explosive this would be I chickened out and kept the extent of my crossdressing to just panties I didn't tell her about the rest of the clothes. And before anyone says anything I know what I did and I know that it sets me up for a bigger problem down the road......
Therapy does work, but you do need the right counsellor. I finally found the Uber that could help me on my third attempt. My issues were quite complex and involved getting over an horrendous crime carried out by a close family member. This on top of my crossdressing, made for some interesting conversations.
Counselling does work, but you need the right one. Only you will know if you have the right counsellor.
Cerys
A lot of people are answering as it relates to dressing, but you said that is not your main issue. I am there with you. I have a therapist, but I don't see crossdressing as an issue and to the extent it is, it wouldn't even rank in the top 10.
Heavy drinking was my main issue, and it took years for me to unpack why I was a heavy drinker to begin with. So after 5 sessions, you're still getting to know each other. Like others have said, this is a long term thing. You want someone you trust and you think can help you. I had therapists who were great people, but they weren't helping me. They were great listeners and it felt good, but I wasn't growing.
That said, therapy shouldn't be forever. If you can identify what it is you want to work through then you have a benchmark for what you're trying to accomplish and when you've sufficiently worked through it that you don't need to go anymore. Money is an issue too. It's expensive, so you should have a goal and a plan.
I haven't seen my therapist in almost two years, but recently reached out to him for a new issue that is bothering me. It's been bothering me for 6 months, and I know it's something I need to address.
In summary, I'm a big fan of therapy and I'm not someone from the outside that you would look at and think 'that guy has issues.' I don't. But I want to be the best version of me as possible. My therapist was also an acquaintance and was there during some of the major events in my life. He was not a friend, just an acquaintance who was distant enough where he could help as a professional. We didn't have to spend time getting to know each other. I hope that helps. I always look forward to my therapy sessions, but if you're confronting some tough things I could see where it would not be fun.
@nicolealamo I did go in with a specific issue but there doesn't seem to be any sense of direction to the sessions. TBH I don't think she's even that good a listener, yes she sits and listens but at the next session some important things I said seem to have been missed.
@butteryeffect Maybe try a different counselor. That was the issue with the therapist I stopped seeing. He was nice and a great listener, but that's all I felt I was getting. That's too much money to pay for someone just to listen and not provide insight or help me process my issues. I was lucky I had my person in mind that I sought out.
Thanks all, it looks like I need to try another therapist.
I saw a therapist many years ago as I experienced panic attacks and hypochondria. I saw the guy for six half hour sessions and left with a recording of some relaxation exercises which I used several times a week for another few weeks. It worked perfectly and I still use those exercises now, some 40 years later.
While you don't have access to that tape (how would anyone use it now?), YouTube has many versions you can use. This one can help as it is very similar to what I used—you'll have to search using the text:
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: An Essential Anxiety Skill #27
You have to stick with it for a few weeks and picking out a body part by just thinking about it becomes second nature and you can relax instantly and eventually remove the anxiety from your life.
It won't work for everyone, but it's free, and it worked a treat for me.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Thanks, I found something similar on the NHS website. Weirdly I am not "consciously" anxious if that makes sense, there is something going on in my subconscious that kicks in at 4.00am and wakes me up but I don't know what or why.
I eat well, exercise, don't drink excessively (well, okay by most people's standards but not the governments)
Weirdly I am not "consciously" anxious
Neither was I.
I was travelling back from a job on the south coast and on a dual carriageway, all of a sudden I had tightness in the chest, an over-whelming feeling of doom and panic and a literal cold sweat; I thought I was having a heart attack. I pulled into a layby and stayed there for a good half an hour until things calmed down. I had been having hypochondria for months, if not years, with regular visits to the doctor. After this episode, the doctor said "I want you to see someone else"; he meant a psychiatrist, and I duly saw one. He found there was nothing clinically, mentally wrong with me and referred me to the nurse therapist, the 'guy' mentioned in my previous post. It was him that started me on the relaxation exercises and, well, we know how that turned out now.
Everyone is different, with different needs, this particular method worked for me, YMMV.
xx
Cathy as you are in the U.K. you can self refer to 'Time to talk'. if you have contacted your G.P. about your issues they can refer you or signpost.
My experience with Time to talk was over six sessions. The lady was really a listener and didn't offer much else. I believe that it was for me to talk but remember and reflect on what I had said. Luckily I could recall a lot but wonder if it should have been recorded. I took my thoughts and worked through them and felt everything was covered.
I had travel anxiety among other things. I'd drive out on a journey and even when near a destination it didn't feel right and turn for home. It was irrational but other issues impacted so it took a while to sort through everything and it is now managed but know it still lurks.
So perhaps your issues will take a lot of time but if you haven't already, consult your G.P to see if there are other options but it will take time. No one can really say if your counsellor is good or not but if you aren't happy then it is your call.
@ab123 Thank you but even the thought of trying to get a GP appointment raises my stress levels. The service where I am is terrible. I've got other battles to fight in that area and only so much energy for it.
You do not have to see a doctor to self refer - Look at NHS website for talking therapies.
Hi Cathy!
I’ve written about my experiences with my therapist and why I went, and why I chose her. My experience has been overwhelmingly good. She is young, pretty, and well tuned to my issues, specifically CDing and being able to communicate my issues with my wife. I’ve found younger individuals like my therapist have a more open and accepting attitude towards cross dressing and transgender issues. In her words, “you aren’t breaking any laws.” She’s helped me with bringing up the subject with my wife.
The big issue for me was balancing my cding and my marriage and the conflict I’ve experienced both internally and externally. She’s given me confidence to be up front with my wife regarding my needs as well as confidence in going out in public. She is my biggest supporter and she provides me with a safe place to dress and be Lisa. There’s obviously much more I can say with regard to the anxiety and stress I was experiencing with my desire to dress and keeping my marriage, but to be short I’ve had a wonderful experience with my therapist, and I’m better in my marriage and in my confidence.
My wife now knows this is who I am and that I love her very much. She knows that I’m better to keep than to let go and she tolerates this side of me, even though sometimes she’s ok with me dressing or sometimes choosing a DADT. I’m also better in the marriage and better to be around. Therapy has made it better for me and for us.
I hope this makes sense and helps you with what you’re asking!
Lisa 🥰
So very nicely said, Lisa. The challenges of all of this can be very intense with no easy answers. Wonderful that you have a therapist that is supportive and knowledgeable as that is not always the case.
Hi, @butteryeffect Cathy Harper. You have received a lot of thoughtful and caring advice here. It is another reason that I have grown to love and appreciate this forum. It has helped me tremendously. My first reaction to your question was "What does success look like?" You may not be able to answer that at this point but that is what I am working through as I just started with a therapist and so far love her. She has been asking me things and helping me to see things from a different perspective. Like others, I agree that you need to build a strong relationship. As she is the only person other than my wife that I have spoken to about crossdressing in my life, I already am giving a lot of trust. If your main concern is navigating the anxiety, be open and tell the therapist that. Ask what they can do to help get you started on a path of healing. If that answer is insufficient, move to another. Not everyone gets along in this life and it is ok. Remember to keep loving yourself and seeking improvement for you.
@jjorgenson I have tried to discuss this with my therapist but have never got an answer. Having never had therapy before I didn't know what to expect, this thread has really helped and I am going to find a different counselor.
I met with a great counselor for about a year. During this time, I came to accept and love myself so I would have to say that my results were very positive. She was very understanding and worked with me in a non-judgmental way. In the beginning, it was difficult since I was opening myself up to another person in a way I had never done so before. I would say that the first major break though came after about 3 months. This was when I became comfortable with my femininity and was able to venture out in public as Lauren. Over time, I became more comfortable with who I am and have now been able to see that I am most probably trans.
@lauren114 Thank you, its good to know your time line and I'm glad it worked for you
@lauren114 I think any counseling effort needs to first identify what issues you need resolved. Otherwise there are so many possibilities that one can lose focus and get lost. You identified the two I personally feel most important, essential to accomplish more:
self-acceptance, and comfort expressing your femininity to others.
There are so many issues to face after that, such as "to WHOM" do you express your female side and to what degree, which depend in part upon THEIR abilities to accept you and to what extent that matters to you, but you hit the fundamental building blocks in my opinion. Kudos! (In Emerson's (and Shakespeare's) words, "Be true to thyself; for then thou cannot be false to any man.") We all strive for authenticity and acceptance. We can and should achieve that much, within our own power. We cannot control the reactions of others. That's the rub!
I have seen many over the last 25 years or so. A few who where wonderful and I really connected with and made huge, positive changes in my life, most were just meh... it was someone to talk to, I learned things about me I would not have otherwise and a few were just awful and I think need serious psych help themselves. More than anything, you need to find someone who you feel comfortable telling those deep dark secrets to because if you do not feel comfortable being totally honest with, its just waste of time.
I started seeing therapists about 25 years ago after my oldest son's murder. There was anger grief, guilt, depression, you name it. The whole experience, two weeks with him in the ICU as they tried to deal with the damage left by a bullet that went in one side of his forehead and out the other, having to make the decision to stop life support when the time came and then the 2 weeks in the courtroom a year later for the trial of his murderer, having to sit 20 feet from the person that killed him in cold blood because he wanted to get his reputation so he could get into a gang... I saw lots of therapists... over the years the PTSD got worse not better and was crushing me... until I finally after many therapists saw the right person who understood and in 3 visits found the key that released me from that hell.
Fast forward to the last 3 years as I have found my feminine side and I have been seeing woman who is a AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and she has been my rock to hang on to as my world changed in ways never expected.
So.. anyway.. find the right one and they can do wonders and help y0ou connect and understand yourself, but most are meh.
