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[Solved] Do I tell her or do I wait for her to ask???

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Posts: 31
Duchess
Topic starter
(@phoebepink)
Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Hi my loves!! Looking for some advice. I have been Phoebe in the closet forever. But after a series of small miscues by me, I think my wife has discovered Phoebe without really knowing that she has. The latest miscue was me leaving a browliner under my vanity. I came home from being out of town yesterday and it was on my vanity. Obviously my wife didn’t leave hers under my vanity. Other miscues include leaving a top from a boutique in the laundry and a ring that fell under a table. More context, I have been whole body shaving for awhile. For a long time, I kept my toenails painted. And other small giveaways. So, here’s my question. Do I address the elephant in the room or just wait? What can y’all tell me that y’all did under similar circumstances? Thank you girls.
Hugs,

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18 Replies
Lady
(@maive)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Western NY, New York, United States of America
Posts: 110

@phoebepink 

I think it is time to address the elephant in the room!! She obviously knows something is going on and I am of the opinion it is better for you to bring it up. It will lead to a long discussion, but you will feel better once it is in the open. If she does know it sounds like she will be understanding. It is a great feeling when your SO is on board!!!! Good luck Phoebe!!!!!

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Lady
(@lucy666)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Nottingham, Nottinghamshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 25

@phoebepink i agree with maive , hiding it must be making you unhappy and maybe she will understand ,you will never know if you do not try. i thought my friends and family/neighbours might have a problem with me but they're fine . you have to make the decision , only you know the answer

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(@frederica62)
Joined: 6 years ago

Estimable Member     Virginia, United States of America
Posts: 79

@phoebepink I'd be having a chat with the pachiderm. You may find she loves the idea of you in nylons.

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(@cdashley)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1287

@phoebepink Well only you can decide if it’s time to came clean with your wife but by the sounds of it she may have a some idea that your up to something from what you’ve mentioned. Has she seen your toenails painted? Maybe touch on the subject in conversation with her and feel things out. My wife knew of my love for pantyhose shortly after we started dating and I still took 19 years to come out to her that I was a crossdresser since childhood. I hope the best for you with this and sending positive thoughts.

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1881

@phoebepink 

You're right, Phoebe. She probably has many different things running in her mind. Are you cheating on her? Is one of the most likely things. It would be best for you to find a way and a time to tell her and put her mind at ease, that you still love her but you need to dress as Phoebe sometimes. 

Good luck

Cassie 

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Lady
(@chellycd)
Joined: 6 months ago

Reputable Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 71

@phoebepink I had some very similar miscues. My wife found panties in the laundry, and she found women's jeans in my closet. She questioned me about the panties. She thought I had bought the wrong kind of underwear. So, I got the nerves up and came clean. She had suspected something, but when I laid out the truth about cross-dressing she was shocked and surprised. It took her a while to come around. She did thank me for telling her. Fast forward 4 years and now I only wear women's panties and have a dresser full of women's clothing. Take your time with her and hopefully she will come around.

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(@lauren114)
Joined: 11 months ago

Noble Member     Connecticut, United States of America
Posts: 701

@phoebepink It's hard to predict how she might react.   You didn't mention how she reacted to the "miscues" in the past.   I would guess however if she didn't have a negative reaction to obvious things like full body shaving and painted toenails, she will probably be at least ok with the idea of Phoebe.  As others have mentioned, it would probably be good if for no other reason to eliminate the possible perception that you are being unfaithful to her.

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Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

@lauren114 Good question re previous miscues.  She really didn't react to them.  They never got mentioned, even though she clearly must have wondered.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2374

Posted by: @phoebepink

So, here’s my question. Do I address the elephant in the room or just wait?

Phoebe, if you start the discussion you will be in more control of how it goes. If she starts the discussion, maybe it goes sideways and out of control.

Think through how you would like to handle the big elephant, how things could go sideways.

 

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Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

Thank you ladies for all your advice.  LOL - you are all in agreement 🤣 .  Hard to get so many ladies to agree on one thing.  So, I tend to agree with y'all.  I would rather have the opportunity to share what Phoebe is about in a way that is not defensive.  The trick is how to do that.  My wife does not have a "broad" mind so to speak and this will be rough for her. I suspect she is afraid to even ask because she does not want to know what she suspects is true.  In any event, the one thing she won't suspect is that I am having an affair.  I am not the most sexual of beings.  But since she does know that I have harbored since childhood strong femme leanings, she probably does suspect I am dressing. Early in marriage I told her of my crossdressing past and desires.  She did not embrace them, but also did not turn me out.  What I am trying to discern is if that's all she wants, to suspect without knowing.  I surely don't want to burden her.  This is and has been my thing and I don't need her to accept it or approve or affirm it.  I'm not sure it's even fair to ask that of her.  Anyways, I think I might connect with a therapist who is trans / CD friendly.  Maybe the best thing will be for my wife to hear from someone else that Phoebe is not going away, is harmless and is no threat to our marriage.  I will keep y'all posted.

Hugs 😍 ,

Phoebe

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Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 738

We're with you every step of the way Phoebe. Don't know if that helps all that much. You know your wife best so I'm sure you'll approach this in the very best way you can.

Hugs, Chrissie xx. 

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(@lauren114)
Joined: 11 months ago

Noble Member     Connecticut, United States of America
Posts: 701

@phoebepink A therapist is a great idea.  I connected with one a number of years ago and it helped me in many ways.  The biggest thing is that it helped me address the shame I carried for many years relative to my situation.   It also helped me understand that most people don't care about how I choose to live my life.  From that point in time, I have been so much more comfortable with myself and have been able to build to the point where I now am integrating my femineity into my life including doing many of the normal things I do as my authentic self.

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Duchess
(@juliarey)
Joined: 2 years ago

Honorable Member     Somewhere between Milwaukee and Green Bay, Wisconsin, United States of America
Posts: 208

@phoebepink Sorry Phoebe, but I disagree with letting your wife hear it from someone else.  My wife appreciates my honesty, and telling yours face to face would probably put you in a better position than letting her hear it from a shrink.  It's not an easy conversation to have, but if she already suspects you're dressing you are better off to be open about it.  Good luck!
Julia

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 1 month ago

Estimable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 127

@juliarey l totally agree with you there Julia,  it's always better to be straight with your spouse,  if it comes from someone else than the spouse may even feel that you don't trust them.

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Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

@juliarey I should have been clear. My thinking was only to tell her w a therapist present, knowing she might have questions that I couldn’t answer well.

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Lady
(@ginger1968)
Joined: 6 months ago

Reputable Member     Intercourse, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 108

@phoebepink good luck phoebe. I applaud your courage for I have yet to discuss with my wife . Similarly to you I’m pretty sure that I have left more than enough clues, but she just rather not ask! Anyway I wish you the best of luck and its ladies like you that give me the courage to keep on attempting to tell my wife

 

Hugs

Ginger

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Lady
(@chellycd)
Joined: 6 months ago

Reputable Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 71

@phoebepink Talk to her. If you wait for her to ask, you are putting unnecessary stress on her. She is waiting for you to speak up if she hasn't questioned you yet. Just think, once you talk about it, you won't have to struggle with wondering if she knows. It's more difficult answering questions than it is explaining yourself. I say put your big girl panties on and start the conversation.

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(@playinginmypanties)
Joined: 6 years ago

Estimable Member     Monroe, Connecticut, United States of America
Posts: 168

@phoebepink

First women can sense when something is up! Whether is is cheating or crossdressing they know that something isn't right.

If crossdressing is part of your life then you should tell her. If she won't except that then she wasn't truly in love with you. Or mature enough to realize that it is not a reason for divorce

If someone truly loves a person then something like that shouldn't affect the marriage at all. If you or your spouse was in a bad accident and came out extremely disfigured then your spouse or you should still love that person no matter what. Even if it means their spouse can't have sex or reproduce children. You take vows the love them in sickness and in health. So that's exactly what we are supposed to do!

My wife is not in love with my dressing and HRT but she still loves me and I wouldn't want to live without her. 34 years married. But she supports me and has bought me outfits and changed my estrogen patches! It did take a while for that to happen but the wait was worth it!

I would say to all people here to tell their spouses the truth. I'm willing to bet for the most part they will accept it and who you are if they truly love you. She may set limits at first but as time passes she will let them go.  One good fact about wearing panties. You can't go out and meet women to cheat on her with!! That's far worse then wearing clothes made for women!

Life is to short to not be who you are and express yourselve the way you want to! Good luck and take care Brenda

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Posts: 327
Lady
(@darcy97)
Reputable Member     Georgia, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

I would say that her actions are a way of showing that she is waiting for you. The longer you wait or ignore it all together will likely not be pleasant for you. I would hold out for the right time though.

For me it would be in the morning before the world started, before the kids made known their needs/demands, etc. and I would do it on a Saturday. Why the Saturday requirement? Well if the conversation turns south and both sides need space it's easier to get that on a weekend rather than during the week. 

The fact these items weren't thrown in your face tells me she is looking for conversation rather than a fight. Good luck!

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Posts: 738
Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Noble Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

Hey Phoebe. I'm not sure I can help, as I am arguably the most closetted girl here. However with all the little signs it may be time to dip a prettily painted toe in the water. Good luck with whatever you decide. Some lovely pics btw xx.

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3 Replies
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2374

@chrisfp99 Just a thought: does your wife do her own toenails? Ask her to do yours...

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Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

@harriette LOL - no she does not.  We go to the same nail salon to get our pedis.  She knows my nail gal.

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Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 738

Harriette, no she doesn't paint her nails. And she wouldn't want to go anywhere near mine 😂 xx.

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Posts: 600
Lady
(@dazzler)
Noble Member     Cardiff, South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Joined: 3 years ago

I looks fairly obvious gthat she knows, otherwise, she'd be accusing you of having an affair.

You're shaving your body and painting your nails.... You are as good as telling her!

 

Cerys

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3 Replies
Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

@dazzler I think you are right.  I have often wondered why she asked me more about why I shave.  As for the nails, I have ugly fungus and I like to cover it in the summer (my excuse anyway).

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Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 738

Unfortunately I'm with you on the fungus thing Phoebe xx.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2374

@phoebepink Aside from the drugs which I hear have bad side effects, try using apple cider vinegar on your nails frequently. Worked for me.

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Posts: 208
Duchess
(@juliarey)
Honorable Member     Somewhere between Milwaukee and Green Bay, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Can't speak for you, but the best thing I ever did for myself was to come clean to the wife.  There's a lot to be said for honesty, I hated the sneaking around.  It took a little time for her to get used to seeing me en femme, but now I can dress whenever I like and she's perfectly fine with it.

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Posts: 155
Lady
(@lillie)
Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Phoebe, it is time to tell her. I was being caught with left over makeup on. Wife has a keen eye and asks, and I would just say no. When I came out, the discussion centered around my lying. As time has gone on it still comes up, even thou it is better now.

Now when she comes home, she will state, you curled your hair today. I just say yes, I was bored.

Wishing you the best.

 

Lynne

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2 Replies
Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

@lillie I loved your story in your profile.  That would be fun, except my wife is a good bit smaller than me.  She does have lovely clothes though.  And OMG, it would be fab to have my own closet full of Phoebe clothes instead of hauling them back and forth to my storage unit.  So we will see where this goes.  Hugs, Phoebe

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Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 3 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 155

@phoebepink Thank you. Have fun with your journey.

 

Lynne

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Posts: 682
 Leah
Baroness
(@leah63)
Prominent Member     Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

I agree with the consensus of the comments,  you need to bring it up and address the elephant in the room.  Good Luck, let us know how it goes.

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Posts: 95
 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Estimable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

OMG either she suspects, knows or thinks your having an affair. I would definitely sit her down, and talk to her.       GOOD LUCK            Sincerely, Lacy

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2 Replies
Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

@rholtman96 I doubt quite strongly she thinks I am having an affair.  I do think she rightly thinks I am dressing en femme.

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 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Posts: 95

@phoebepink     I do think it's time to tell her though.

Good Luck,

Lacy

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Posts: 344
(@caroline2k)
Honorable Member     Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

@phoebepink I also think that it is time to tell her.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope it works out well 🙂

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Posts: 25
Lady
(@saleena79)
Trusted Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

My vote is go ahead and tell her. I didn’t tell my wife for years and one day my hand was forced (a very embarrassing story). She was mad at me for quite a long time. In your case, you have control of your situation to initiate the conversation. 

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@phoebepink)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Wilmington, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 31

@saleena79  Thank you.  I def don't want my hand to be forced so to speak.

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Posts: 2652
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

From your pictures and everything you have said, is there any doubt she knows but won't ask for many reasons.

My opinion is that it comes from you and be prepared for many questions that can easily be answered by you.

I sense a trepidation as you say she is a conservative lady and you need a bit of pushing to do  what should be considered as an honorable thing...

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Posts: 361
(@rebeccabaxter)
Noble Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

Here is my input, such as it is.

You say you think your wife suspects but doesn't want to say.

You don't want to say in case you are wrong.

You don't want to suddenly blurt it out, and she doesn't want to accuse you of something she might be wrong about (but isn't).

Well, here is a suggestion and you are actually looking at it.

I'm presuming you have a laptop, or a tablet, or computer of some kind. You also have an account with Crossdresser Heaven.

You want to start the conversation but don't know how? Log in here, open the forums page, leave the computer on and in such a position that she will be able to see it if she looks. This will surely elicit some sort of response from her and if it doesn't then you bring attention to it, apologising for leaving the page open. The elephant has been seen; how it goes after that is up to you and her.

 

Just a thought, good luck.

 

Becca

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Posts: 147
Lady
(@chanel)
Reputable Member     New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 6 months ago

I agree that you should have a conversation with her. It does sound like you are part of the way there with her knowledge and acceptance of the body shaving and nails…you will just be confirming what she seems to already know. 

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Posts: 874
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Noble Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

This is the dilemma so many of us struggle with @phoebepink .. to tell or not to tell. Pros and cons. Whatever happens, it will be a new chapter in your life. 

I let my wife discover Lea, intentionally, and there's so many things that I would have done differently. Today, my wife knows, we don't talk about it, I still wish she would embrace and encourage this side of me. I still leave clues around to remind her of this obvious part of me. It all seems silly. Then, I still find moments to dress in stealth or venture out dressed because I need it, I need to be me. And so this repeats. At least I'm hiding less each year. Maybe one day I won't be hiding anything at all.

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Posts: 119
(@jenna116)
Estimable Member     Florida, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

IMHO, there is only one thing to do in this situation, you have to start the conversation.  Be prepared for the standard questions (gay? want to transition?) and also be aware that she might be mad that you didn't tell her before.  In effect you've been lying by omission.  

You owe it to yourself, her and your relationship to be open and honest.  

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