Do we as CD/Trans think about the aftereffects of coming out?

Thanks for a very real post.  I’m one of the fortunate few whose wife was very understanding.  We’re going out twice this week with other cd couples.  We’ve had our vaccines and we’re staying outside with masks.  However that said it’s still not easy introducing a 3rd party in to the relationship.  I dont think I could handle it if she said she wanted to CrossDress as a male.  I dress femme around the house but don’t put on a wig or makeup.  When we do go out I tend to dress up more than she does.  I have a bigger collection of clothes and shoes.  We’re both retired and remarried so we never had to deal with this when we were younger.  I think it would be difficult for young couples with kids.  I do have a younger trans friend and they decided to stay together.

When I was sitting there in the room. I was reflected what it must have been like when my 1st wife found out about my girly side. Needless to say our marriage was already crappy, but the CDing was the final nail in the coffin.

I remember all the lies, the excuses, the hiding, and everything that goes along with it. I still see her face of a shocked and disgusted. Still remember them nasty words and the many fights over it. Fights so bad cops were called a few times.

Just listening to them two ladies talk, brought back all them memories I tried so hard to forget and the tears that came back to with the memories.

I'm no where innocent either, I did some the same stuff that lady said.

For some reason reliving the memories this time. Seem to hurt a hell of a lot more this time and that was over 20 years ago. It's affecting me now, like it just happened. Like my past has come back to haunt me.

Yes, I know she can't hurt me no more, but tell my brain that.

There's certainly a lot to unpack - and much of it is simply down to choices.

Not every CD is out hunting men, as we're not all built that way.

There's no "3rd person" in the relationship, unless that's how it's presented - maybe as a way to distance oneself (both partners) from the perceived horror.

Yet not everyone perceives CDing as a horror.

It's really not a Rocky Horror Picture Show unless that is how you choose to see it.

It's ALL down to perception, presentation and package.

That last one, package, refers to everything about the person.

If the person succumbs to overspendingon CDing, maybe it's not the fault of CDing, but that the person is given to spending money on hobbies to feel better.

I spent a lot of money on collecting vinyl records, instruments and music gear, and computer kit.

I don't blame those things for making me spend money.

Seems to me a lot of people, CDs included, want to pin the responsibility and blame on the activity, not themselves.

And, where there is conflict, there must be a victim, right?

The poor, innocent woman - how could the nasty, lying, deceitful CDer keep such a secret? What a nasty person he is....

Of course not!

It's clothing, and not a big deal.

It's only a big deal to someone who chooses to make it one.

The desire to dress a certain way is self expression, a basic human need.

Everyone has secrets.

Some are bad secrets, like frequenting websites for a pickup when you're already committed in a relationship.

Others are protective secrets, like what you did with your previous partners before you married.

These are good secrets to keep, I would suggest - and, what is more, none of your current partner's business - marriage is not ownership, but an equal, loving, committed partnership.

In my opinion.

In the old days, coming out was pretty much not a choice - not even an option. Far from being deceitful, CDs were pushed into that closet, and advised in the strongest possible terms to stay there or else, you pervert.

We were left there to be depressed, angst-ridden, suicidal creatures, living with the constant fear of discovery and the consequences.

You bet we think long and hard before coming out, and then some have the gall to ask why it took so long, and call us names, like deceitful.

Hah!

Just putting the heels on the other feet 😘

Love Laura

Great post Laura. I’m sympathetic to both sides. The foundation of any relationship is honesty but we all have secrets. I’ve been with my s.o. since high school and only told her about my cding a couple years ago. It has evolved over time , and I still don’t understand it fully. Should I have told her as a teenager when I thought it was a passing faze. Or in my twenties when I didn’t cd at all  and don’t recall having a strong urge to. I told my s.o. when I came to the realization that my little “hobby” wasn’t going away. I tried to respect her feelings as much as possible. Wanted her to hear it from me not by finding a bra in my sock drawer. Everyone  has little secrets but if they run amuck they become big lies and threaten even the strongest relationships .

Yes, I think we think about it.  We think about it a lot.  And run many negative scenarios in our heads.  Sometimes based on real facts (the SO may have made negative comments on crossdressers or transgendered people), sometimes on perceptions (intuition), sometimes just on imagination.

I think running all these scenarios in our head, and mostly with negative consequences, is why we hide it for so long.

Did she lose her manly man?  Or were some aspects of him being sensitive, or caring, or other supposedly feminine traits also some of the things that attracted him to her?  Some crossdressers separate two different personas, others say they are still the same person just presenting differently.  Some just want to wear women's clothing, some want to present as female, some want to stay at home, some want to go out in public.  For some crossdressing is a stepping stone to being transgendered, for others it is gender fluidity.  From your brief description, and possibly even her brief description in the chat, we don't know where her husband is coming from or even going to.

Check out the book "Living With Crossdressing" by Savannah Hauk.  It gives perspectives both from the crossdresser's  and from the GG SO's sides.

For me, you bet I think about it - so much so that it can sometimes be paralyzing (echo everything @lauralovett said). I’m fortunate that it has never been a secret between my wife and I, but that hasn’t made her any more ‘accepting’ - which is OK, because she’s entitled to think and feel whatever she wants, and I get to continue to love her for being her and show her that every day!

Marcellette

After almost a year and half on CDH, I've read many stories of coming out to SO or other family members, we all come out to this coming out from different times in our relationships and a large variety of reactions to us.
For myself when my my X found out she immediately told our 3 grown kids. Almost all the reactions from my kids about my CD is coming though my X, so is slanted toward anger and disgust. I am told daughter number 2 doesn't want to see or talk about it.
When we got married in 1985 i was nearly over the cross dressing desire I was going through then and saw no need to tell her. When she found out about my current cross dressing about a year and half ago, about 8 years after the divorce, she was angry and disgusted. After hearing her say for the umpteenth time that if she had known before our marriage she would have have never gotten married to me, I told her that our kids would never have existed. That made her even madder than ever. I am pretty sure though that, knowing each of our personalities, neither one of us would be married or have children. So in many ways I am right now in the best place I could be.
Sandy

Hippie, you bring up some interesting points and it would be nice if all of our SO's had an opportunity to express how it impacted them when they found out. A single instance is probably not a good reflection of how it is handled generally. In essence we need more data in order to learn the full extent of the problem and what would be the best way to approach what is just another form of revealing ourselves to our SO's. Not to be dismissive of what happened in that instance but it is only one side of a single story.

You made this comment;

[[how he became obsessed with CDing, being put in massive debt, ]]

Really? How many millions of bankruptcies have occurred because of overspending on credit cards on non-essential items? Our society in the US is predicated upon upon using credit to drive us into debt. This is a societal problem overall and it does need to be addressed and blaming it all on a single CD'er is disingenuous. The spouse had never purchased her own closet full of shoes and clothes that she only wore once? I had no idea how many pairs of expensive shoes my late spouse had until I was trying to make some space for my own meagre collection. Yes, I have 3 pairs of expensive male Bally shoes but none of them are less than a decade old and the oldest pair I have had for 40 years. They have been worn and cared for and still look good. Yes, my late spouse did look after her own shoes but she had something like 30+ pairs and some looked to be absolutely pristine still in their original boxes. "But is was on sale and I saved a fortune" was the usual excuse.

So I am not buying the whine about overspending because it is hypocritical for only one party to be allowed to do it. Overspending is a couples issue and should not be used as a blunt object to cudgel someone just because they happen to be a crossdresser.

Financial woes are one of the primary causes of divorce and whichever party is doing it is in the wrong in my opinion. Overspending is not infidelity, it is not alcoholism or gambling either. It might be an addictive behavior but it applies to both parties.

We do need to know how to let our SO's know about our inner femininity without harming them and we need more research and guidelines to help us handle what is a problem common to all of us. I just wanted to make the point that I do not believe that our SO's have a legitimate case when it comes to what we spend on clothes. How many of us buy our own clothes from thrift shops?

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

Warm hugs

Rowena 👩🏻‍🦳

Hippie, I think coming out to a wife could be done in the right way, hiding something from your SO is not really healthy but it often is the case of keeping secrets. I’m In that camp, my wife of 23 years does not know I cd (which I’ve done since around age 10). For me, keeping the secret is not healthy per se, but I believe at this point it would destroy our marriage and I do not want that, I dont want to hurt her , I do love her. She knows me as Jeff, her manly man, her fix it all guy, her husband and I have decided that’s they way it will stay for her. So a secret cd I will be..

💖

I can honestly say that the impact on others is my biggest concern about this process. And I'm not just thinking about the impact their knowledge will have on me i.e. 'Will they think less of me' or 'will it damage our relationship',  but the impact to them if others knew.

As an example, what would people think about, or how would they treat my SO if they knew her husband was a CD'er. Would she be ridiculed, laughed at or cast from her friendship circles. What about the children, would they be bullied or ostracised (kids can be so cruel) if their friends saw me out and about. Would my parents question the decisions they made when raising me and could it cause a rift between them...

I'm a big girl now, CD'ing is my life choice that  I went into it with my eyes open and, as such, I'm comfortable with any consequences associated with following it. But this was not their choice and so, IMHO, it's unfair to inflict any consequences on them that they didn't choose for themselves.

Didi💋

I think about it all the time which is why I’ve not told anyone. Us Northerners (in the UK) are not as accepting as the Southern Softies so I know I would not be accepted by friends and family. I’m not at the stage of coming out yet anyway and I’m just enjoying the privacy of doing it myself.
I think to be a CD, TG or any part of the LGBT etc community you have to be self centred and do what YOU want, not what people tell you to be like. I’ve been in the latter all my life but finally at 65 I’m starting to be self centred.

Hi hippie,

I totally consider my wife's and children feelings regarding my crossdressing.

I was married 24 years before I discovered how much I truly like being feminine.

Unfortunately it has pretty much killed our intimacy.

My wife is the only one that knows and I wish It didn't bother my wife but I any deny my feminine feelings for her sake I wish I could.

Fortunately we still love each other and I think our marriage will survive this.

I know I do feel guilty a d selfish a lot but I have to be who I am .

Huggs Patty.

Interesting reasoning - but I would say you're not inflicting anything on anyone by having a hobby - you're exercising your right to your own life within a relationship:

I have been an actor of sorts since the age of 8 or so, when my parents enrolled me into our local theatre workshop.

I've been in many plays, dressed up and in makeup, of course, on stage, in front of my family and the general public.

You could argue that pantomime is inflicting stuff on your family and the time spent in rehearsals is time away from the family that you'll never get back.

There are many who frown upon actors - but will happily watch films.

You get the point - it's all down to how it's presented, and what goes with it, not the love of clothing

Also...

It's not OK to view gender fluidity as a horror these days - it's a normal part of being human, and the world needs education. /pet rant over.

Now, where do I sign up for Ru Paul's Drag Race UK...?

😁😍😍😍

Love Laura

Hmm, good point but I rally just a little.

I wasn't saying I inflict consequences on them, but my actions may cause others to.

Yes I totally agree that society should't see gender issues 'as a horror' but the fact is it does, and it'll be a long time before there's a real and genuine acceptance of all the different flavours. And so, like it or not, people will judge based on their own beliefs or perception of moral standing.

Is it right for a woman to be bullied out of her home because she's tarnished by some unsavoury criminal act her husband committed... of course it's not, but it happens. The point of my post was, I'm OK with people judging me, hell, fill your boots if it makes you feel better, but judge others for something I choose to do, That's not OK.

As for the acting, I recognise that analogy but, again IMHO, it's not quite there for me. Acting is seen as a job, something that actors are paid to do for the entertainment of others. Therefore there's no perceived self gratification or pleasure in putting on the female costume, other than the check at the end of the show. And so, back to the point above, society sees it as acceptable.

As for RuPaul's, if I could look half as good as some of those queens, you'd never get me out of a frock. Now, can someone please teach me how to look like that... PLEASE 😘

Didi💋