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My Wife has been a bit of a rollercoaster to me with dressing and I’d like to think I’m starting to understand it better. Last night I took a shower and asked her to pick out something for me to wear. Usually it’s shorts and a tshirt even though I dream of a dress. Her response was ‘I don’t care’. I answered to her that was not true because I’d like to put on a sundress. Not only is it feminine for me but let’s be honest girls, it really is easier and more comfy. She said she was fine with that. We talked a little more and were talking about how I needed new boy underwear and she said I knew where the store was. I told her I thought panties were way more comfortable and certainly cooler and I have no desire to buy men’s cloddy underwear. She went to the bedroom a little while later and asked if I needed anything and I said underwear. She came back with a pair of my panties and said I know this is what you want anyways. OMG. I thanked her and we went on with our evening normally except I had panties and a dress on. So divine! But I have to take a lesson from the past. When she gives you an inch don’t go for the mile. I so want to though. I want to go out to lunch and shopping with her while dressed, have a girls night etc.
That did not work last time and won’t today so I need to refocus and remember to be happy with what I have today and if in time she progresses with her acceptance I will take what she gives without forcing it on her in her face like I probably did in the past. I am hopeful we can progress as a couple and find our needed boundaries better as we both work through this.
I just wanted to share this with all you gals who struggle with your SO. As the great Dr. Leo Marvin once said….baby steps. (I hope someone gets the move reference.)
@staciebobacie Stacie, you have a lot of wisdom in your post. I believe that the way you framed your post that your wife sees how much your dressing means to you. I like the way you are asking each step how she is feeling about each step . I hope for the two of you you can find a good couples therapist and you can find the balance that is satisfactory for BOTH of you.
Cassie
Hi Stacie, reading this post brought up memories from my marriage to my 2nd wife. Since marriage #1 was very uncomfortable regarding my crossdressing, #2 would be different. I was upfront and honest with her. I told well before we were married about my “hobby” and accepted it very well. I was going to dress up when I could and meanwhile be underdressed all the time as I hated men’s attire at all levels back then. We lasted for 13 years and eventually ended up divorced with it having nothing to do with crossdressing. (At least, that’s what I believed at the time.) A week after the divorce I looked in my closet and thought, well, why not? I certainly deserve this - especially now. I got all dressed up, looking great, then broke down crying. I knew deep down that my entitled attitude about crossdressing all that time certainly didn’t help things in our marriage. She had been more than happy to go along with my quirkiness, but when she gave me an inch I demanded a mile. I was ashamed of my behavior. Nobody needs to dress up, it’s not vital to human existence. Think about your partner and what they’re putting up with just so you can get what you “need”. What about her needs? Don’t overlook them. I was selfish for many years with my “need to crossdress.” That night I purged it all, disgusted not with my crossdressing, but my selfishness and my attitude in our relationship.
Wife #2 and I stayed close and often went to lunch. Several years had gone by and the subject of my hobby came up, she asked how often I was dressing. I said not at all. She complemented the goatee that I was wearing then. She said after all that craziness with “Darla” - (my fem name at the time) - you’re not even doing it at all anymore? Nope, not at all. No female underwear even? None. Only men’s.
She sighed and said, “Gee, it would have been nice to do your laundry when we were married and had some men’s underwear to fold instead of all women’s. Might have helped our marriage!” That really hit me, making me realize how I took advantage of our marriage with all my demands, that I had the right to do what I want. I’d never really thought about her having to put up with all that. I certainly could have made things easier on her had I not been so focused on my crossdressing. But I was blinded by it.
I’ll never forget her saying that because it’s such a little thing that ended up being partly responsible for some major consequences. Why didn’t I give an inch and wear some men’s underwear for crying out loud? Such an easy thing to do! My needs? Please. We’re all capable of self control. Panties are not a necessity in a marriage. Being a good partner is - if you want to keep the marriage. Which I did.
I’m married a third time now and the pics you see here of Grace were the very first time I dressed since that one time after my second divorce. Wife #3 knows and acquiesces -although it’s still new for her since my crossdressing has been dormant for at least 14 years. No underdressing, nothing, nada.
I can tell you this, no matter how much Grace flourishes presently as her feminine self, with my wife and I in our retired years now, I’m not completely discarding my male attire. I like to thing I learn things as I go along in life. And some of my yearnings and feelings, well, they can remain unspoken. It’s not that big a deal. After all, @I love her more than I’ll ever love anything else. She’s my retirement gal. Not Grace.
GP
@gracepal Oh Grace, what a candid and brave post honey. I think you capture perfectly the struggles of crossdressing and particularly from the SO's perspective. Kudos to you girl. I of course have taken things too far the other way and so have absolutely zero opportunity to dress, which is frustrating to the point of torture xx.
@gracepal This response is some of the most practical information I have read on this site. Grace is absolutely on the mark when she explains how easy it is to get tunnel vision. Any desire can become an obsession if you are not careful. We all have different situations in our lives, and understanding what is at risk for each of us is extremely important.
The success stories of long and happy marriages, and supportive spouses are few. Secrets in a marriage are seldom a recipe for success. This feminine desire to dress and present as a woman is a selfish desire. The majority of wives do not dream of the day the man they married asks if it is okay for him to dress up as Barbie. Forcing other people to be a part of it, will certainly have consequences, many negative.
It is human nature to push the envelope, rather than appreciate the situation. Being lucky enough to have weathered the storm, and there was a storm, I am very content that my wife knows about my feminine side, accepts my feminine side, and keeps our secret between us. That does not mean I do not have selfish moments where I feel like I am trapped and unable to just do what I want. But I always manage to stop and appreciate how lucky I am that I get to have my marriage and family along with my feminine existence.
Anyone who is beginning to travel down this path should be aware of the risks and consequences that exist with every decision they make. Sometimes the grass may look greener, when in reality, it is artificial grass.
@missjackie
Jackie says it better than I could. Crossdressing is a harmless desire until you start to involve others, especially your poor unsuspecting spouse. So go slow and don’t get greedy girls.
Most evenings, I wear a skirt and a feminine top but only occasionally go all the way while at home, mostly because if I'm not going out, all the makeup, forms, wig etc. is just too much trouble. I only ever wear women's panties, although in truth, they aren't that feminine and I doubt anyone would know the sex they were designed for, but I know, and that's what matters.
I have always tried not to overdo it with my wife. I can probably dress whenever I want but I think it prudent to be the man she married, at least some of the time, so as not to overwhelm her or make her think that male me has gone for good (not going to happen, I like being a man). I think she likes having a girlfriend around some of the time as we don't have many friends at all, apart from each other. While I am a bit of a loner, I know she likes to do girly things out and about but has no real friends she can do this with...and this is where I, as Becca, come to the good. While I am dressed, I can look at jewellery and perfume, talk about clothes and shoes, all at complete ease, something male me finds dull, dull, dull! But when the situation requires a man, then I'm here too.
I feel it is necessary to be both male and female in just the right amounts of each so the SO knows that whatever the situation, the right person is around for her.
It works for us, YMMV.
Becca
I think this has been one of the best post and replies discussing the issue of dressing in relationships I have read. An honest and open account of experiences that encapsulate problems seen and unseen that affect relationships.
Thank you so much ladies and I am sure it will be food for thought for many.
Thank you for the topic and to all who replied thus far. There are many thought out and honest responses.
Last night I got back from a trip and was wearing dangling earrings, my wife made a comment about me wearing dangling earrings out more frequently. I told her I do on occasion but not very often. I did hear her though and will only wear studs and hoops out of the house now. I didn't realize it was bothering her when I did.
We have had a roller coaster ride with my dressing since I came out to her a few years ago. There have been times where she hates it and times where she has invited Suzanne to spend the day and everything in between. Like Becca said we don't have many friends and are each others friend. My wife commented one time that she likes having girly time together as she never had it growing up. We do go for mani-pedi's every couple months which is a fun day. I'm in drab when we go but do get color on my toes most of the time but pink tinged clear on my fingers. She has bought me pantyhose in the past and on occasion when we are shopping bought Suzanne some tops, scarves, shoes and such. It is fun when we do that as I'm in drab but she will ask whether Suzanne would like something or that an item would look good on Suzanne. I don't go out of the house dressed as that is part of our agreement and I'm good with that although I wish it was different.
There are times I wish I could dress more at home and go out but I'm happy with what I can do and my marriage is more important to me than dressing. I think we've found a balance though it is one that can tilt either way so one needs to be careful.
XOXO
Suzanne
@cdsue a very erudite post Suzanne. I think like most things in marriage that it is a matter of compromise and I'm glad that you and your wife have found a balance that works for you both xx.
@cdsue This post is so relatable Suzanne. Especially with me now on wife #3 - (and the third time really was the charm for me.) I’ve been on CDH for exactly 9 days as of today and it’s really tempting to go crazy with all my “Grace-fullness” on here and in real life. I’ve been in the “Pink Fog” since I arrived here, so many cool things! However, crossdressing is not a full time gig for most of us. And truth be told, I wouldn’t want it to be. (Too much work trying to look decent for starters😊) So, to move forward with caution is the best way - for me anyway. Much as I love portraying Grace, I have to do manly things too. And I cannot forget that I also enjoy those manly things. I enjoy my wife too! I guess it boils down to what’s the most important thing in your life as a married Crossdresser. Your wife or some girly clothing and accessories. Pretty easy decision for me.
@gracepal I would agree. It can be difficult at times but keeping the wife happy is always the priority.
XOXO
Suzanne
