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Feeling a bit blue today

20 Posts
10 Users
47 Reactions
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Posts: 122
Lady
Topic starter
(@ginger1968)
Reputable Member     Intercourse, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

So we are 36 days into the New Year and I am nowhere closer to achieving my goal in 2024 of telling my wife about my dressing. I must admit I’ve had a couple of small windows to start a conversation but each time I just melted and chickened out!! Why oh why can’t I find the courage to have this talk? I am so disgusted, but most importantly very disappointed in myself!!! Hoping to find the courage soon!!!

Ginger

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19 Replies
10 Replies
Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5221

@ginger1968 There's no need to rush it. Pick your moment. You'll know when it's the right time.

I don't have any experience of coming out to an SO, but I DID come out to both my mother and my sister last summer. In both cases it just felt that the time was right.

You've told us multiple times on the Forums that you're ready to tell your wife. I think you've already made the decision to do so. But there's no shame at all in the fact that, as you say , you've 'melted out' on a couple of occasions.

Instinct is very important; in each of those 'small windows' I suspect that you sensed that it wasn't QUITE the moment. Trust those feelings.

Ginger ... it isn't 'chickening out'. It's instinct, very sensibly, winning out over intention and telling you that the timing is wrong.

When you DO you come out to your SO it's ALWAYS going to be a terrifying conversation for you, and in all probability an exceptionally difficult thing for her. There are no guarantees about how it will go. But you owe it to both of you to make the circumstances of that conversation as favourable as possible.

Timing is everything. You're planning on doing the right thing and you need to stop being so hard on yourself.

Huge hugs

Ellie x

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Lady
(@esmewthrwx)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 65

@ellyd22 is usually right. Trust yourself. This is a big step and you'll know the best way when and where to take it.

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Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Joined: 2 years ago

Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Posts: 1078

@esmewthrwx Whaaa? Girl, we had to practically hijack Ellie's "CD Reads" thread to get her to see the Discworld light! 🙄 I swear I don't know what that girl would do without me. 😉

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Lady
(@esmewthrwx)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 65

@melodeescarlet That is true. Ginger, Ellie is usually right except when it comes to acknowledging the pure literary masterpiece that is Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld series.

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Lady
(@ginger1968)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Intercourse, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 122

@ellyd22 thank you so much for taking the time to give me such wonderful feedback I really appreciate it!!

 

Hugs

Gunger

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Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5221

@ginger1968 No problem at all Ginger. Being here for each other is what CDH is all about 🙂

Hugs

Ellie x

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Baroness
(@river)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     New Hampshire, United States of America
Posts: 827

@ginger1968 Its so darn hard.. as some have said you know her the best. It can be the perfect moment and just actually saying it feels impossible.  I ran the scenario over in my head over and over so I was 100% sure of what i would say and it still came out differently.  luckily it was ok. but even afterwards I still can bearly talk to her about it even when she brings it up. I feel you ginger.  My wife asked me the other day if I was not forced to tell her would I have.  I said I don't know probably not because it was so hard. She knew something was wrong and maybe releived that it was not something like I was cheating on her or I wanted a divorce. but again no one knows your situation better than you.  We also always watched shows together like faceoff which is all about makeup and now after I told her we watch rue paul . It was easy to start watching as there have been so so many commercials lately I just said are you interested in that show with  so many commercials it may be interesting she said well we can give it a try and although I fast forward thru all the drama watching the performances together always draws good conversation. just throwing some ideas out there. Let me add this. Once I finally did it The feeling of relief was so amazing like nothing I have ever felt.  hope everything works out for the best. Take care of yourself.  RC

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Lady
(@ginger1968)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Intercourse, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 122

@river River thanks so much for taking the time to discuss your situation and experience. I do love the idea of trying to incorporate conversation around something on a show. I think I’m going to try going about maybe from a fashion sense/ comment, my only concern is not being able to kind of continue the discussion towards my direction so to speak, but the tv idea is brilliant! Thanks again 

 

Hugs

Ginger

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(@dovemtn2016)
Joined: 1 year ago

Honorable Member     Tucson, Arizona, United States of America
Posts: 313

@ginger1968 

Don't worry Ginger you'll get there.

Don't stop trying.

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Lady
(@ginger1968)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Intercourse, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 122

@dovemtn2016 thanks so much for the positive message it’s people like you who continue to give me great hope!

Ginger

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Posts: 1341
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

How is your sex life? I don't ask to be nosey and I don't expect an answer but sometimes if a woman is adventurous in the bedroom (or the elevator or in the woods) then she may be more open to a different form of play. Rather than 'have the conversation' is it possible for you to jokingly hold up a bra from her washing and ask her if it suits you, or something like that. Perhaps just starting the conversation in another way might help you; just thinking out loud.

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2 Replies
Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2208
  1. @rebeccabaxter Sounds like a nice, easy and fun way to test the water, Becca. 
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Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Joined: 2 years ago

Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Posts: 1078

@rebeccabaxter @ginger1968 I don't mean to discount this approach entirely, however I would suggest that it is more suited to being earlier in one's relationship. 

I would note that should this sort of test go badly, it will only intensify the fears you already have - "Wow, she flipped out at the playful attempt - she will go absolutely mental at the full truth!" and now you're stuck even deeper in the hole.

Even should the test seem to go well, it will be just a shred of the actual truth and you'll have to either a) come forth with the entire truth anyway still not sure how it will go; or b) be stuck trying to 'grow' her acceptance with adding bits over time just to catch up to where you've been for some time. Neither really any better IMO 😐 

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Posts: 3446
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

I suppose that is a way Rebecca but there is a difference between play and the real thing as there have been many stories that relate to such circumstances which have varying results.

Ginger it's a big deal in a relationship and you are the one that knows your wife, her thoughts and opinions. What you are doing is nothing that many of us have gone through so don't feel bad about it, it's normal. You know that you will do it and it will happen when you are ready.

 

 

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2 Replies
(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 1341

Posted by: @ab123

I suppose that is a way Rebecca but there is a difference between play and the real thing as there have been many stories that relate to such circumstances which have varying results.

 

Quite true, but it's a conversation starter that doesn't have any downsides. Ginger's SO might say "Don't be stupid", but she might say "Go on, put it on then", either way Ginger hasn't made any commitment or burnt any boats and she can try again another way, at another time without any damage done.

 

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Lady
(@ginger1968)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Intercourse, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 122

@ab123 Thank so much for the encouraging words Angela!

 

Hugs

Ginger

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Posts: 1078
Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

It's not an easy thing to do, to be sure. My suggestion would be to write it down. Just write it all down and then tell her you want to tell/read her something. Ask her to please hold any questions as this isn't easy for you, and then stick to the script. Just read it. It will take a lot of the guess work out of the explanation.

Also, it's clearly a fear that's keeping you in check. My experience in chatting with others is that these fears are based on solely predicting negative, if not abysmal, reactions. However, if all you can envision is an awful response, then your fear gets in the driver's seat and you're paralyzed. You must envision some outcomes that are neutral, if not possibly even good. Else you'll be a slave to those fears for even longer.

As I've stated before, the 'right time' never comes and the longer you wait the worse you'll feel about it. Further, no matter what the outcome - the bandaid is off! If the reaction is bad, well that's what you predicted as the most likely, but if the outcome is not bad, then you'll stew wishing you hadn't waited so long to tell her.

I wish you the luck and fortitude that you need, but only you can make it happen girl. ❤️ 

 

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1 Reply
Lady
(@ginger1968)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Intercourse, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 122

@melodeescarlet Melodee thanks so much for taking the time with a response it is so appreciated. I love the idea of putting it in writing, if for no other reason at this time it gives me time to sort through everything I really want to say and in the meantime the repetition of writing and reading it will hopefully give me some confidence that I will at the very least say everything I want to say!!

Hugs

Ginger

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I agree, trying her bra or panties can be a good way to test the waters. Sure, it is best early in a relationship, but it does not have to be. Mostly it helps open up the conversation and get the conversation started is often the difficult part. Once talking the rest can be surprisingly easy. It is kind of like that first bra fitting...we are nervous as hell, but once we don't we find the whole thing surprisingly easy and wonder way we stressed over it for so long.

I also agree having a more adventurous wife can help, and that is where knowing your partner well.makes a big difference. My wife always likes fun and new things, so my wearing panties or a bra was just a "sure, why not" kind of thing. After that I simply told her how much I enjoyed it, and as my dressing has expanded, I reinforced how much pleasure I get from dressing. She wants me to be happy, and I want her to be happy, so as long as we pay attention to each other's wants and desires our relationship goes on wonderfully well...40 years so far.

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