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So went to a family BBQ last weekend, I dressed, manly I thought baggy jeans a t-shirt baseball hat. So 1/2 way through the event/day I got very depressed. Why well I was not fitting in with some of the younger members and their friends, and as I looked around at the ladies all I thought about was I wish I could wear that or dress like them, then a cousin showed up Very manly big muscle man with beard rides a motorcycle everyone looks small comparable to him.
But it really made me think HOW inadequate I really am as a man, and at the same time inadequate as a woman when I do dress. This has happened to me manny times when out. I feel ok when alone.
Anyone else feel this way?
@jennyw It is certainly hard to be in the space between - not sure about where you fit. I also do not relate to much of the macho vibes coming off a lot of men, and it does not make me feel inadequate, just that I am different. I do feel I relate more to women generally. I also feel that I will never be an actual woman, simply because I have not had their life experience. that, however, does not mean that I cannot express my own femininity. I don't see this as inadequacy, but simply individual self-expression. no one should tell you how, or who you can be. to me, it is all about attitude.
Hugs (and hang in there) - you are beautiful.
Evie
Hi Jenny,
"Anyone else feel this way?"
Yes Jenny, in a way. But I often remind myself we're all different, we're all unique.
And how do you know that Mr macho motorbike muscle man doesn't go home to his secret stash of panties anyway?
Quoting from "Stuck in the middle" by Steely Dan (Edit : I've been reminded it was Stealers Wheel - sorry! )
Well, I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you ...
Emma x
I can see where you were coming from, but at the risk of a thread hijack, someone's bound to remind you that song was by Stealer's Wheel ... so it may as well be me 🙂
That's Gerry Rafferty singing - RIP. Although I do read that he was actually considered for the vocals in Steely Dan when David Palmer left, until Donald Fagen stepped up to the microphone himself. I wonder what that would have sounded like?
@finallyfiona At the risk of jumping on the thread-hijack, I did not know that GR almost was in Steely Dan Fiona!
@emmat 52 years old song's lyrics hold true today, for our feelings sometimes. Thank you Emma for sharing lyrics of that Scottish band.
@jennyw I'm 6'2 & ride a motorbike. Mrs B is 5'9 & until recently also rode a motorbike. So my question is, inadequate for what? you just be yourself & revel in your differences. In the end the only person you need to please is yourself.
Sasha
I'm with you on not fitting in with the men too. Never wanted to be the alpha male, always shied away from that sort of company. I've ploughed my own quiet, nondescript furrow, never wanting to be down with the kids or at the happening end of any scene.
Having found Fiona in me in recent years, it's almost like I have a noticeable identity for the first time. I certainly envy that women can get away with styles that won't work on me, because they'd make it painfully obvious that I'm not biologically one of them. But that's a girl thing too! Women envy each other for outfits they don't feel they can pull off themselves 🙂
Now when I go out en femme, I'm me and proud of it. There will always be better-looking women than me - heck, that's practically all of them, but I love that they start little conversations with me. I don't think it's a pity/charity sort of thing, it feels like acceptance and encouragement as one of them, even as I am.
Honey, consider yourself hugged, and put that chin up and smile. You're you, and you're beautiful as you are. If you put yourself out there and face the world on your terms, you'll be respected for it and accepted for who you are 🤗
Fiona xxx
@finallyfiona A genuinely candid and supportive reply, Fiona. Later June now and I don't detect hints from you of wanting to return to guy mode at August's end. Summer just began, of course, with hopefully many days and evenings for Fiona to express herself.
@conniech You read between the lines well Connie 🙂 I've never been happier overall than as Fiona. Life just seems more fulfilling!
It's the interactions with other people in public that does it for me I think. Not to want to spend less time on CDH, but I need to find more things to go out and do and more ways to socialise away from the PC.
@jennyw Jenny, I have never felt inadequate as a man, not because I am a beefy, super jock, but because I don’t really care about that side of things - I am who I am. As far as the ‘inadequacy’ is concerned from the feminine side, yes I do feel it, all the time. I just wish I could look more feminine, for my look to match my desired self-image and to be able to effortlessly pass and be accepted as a woman. But I am not so sure this isn’t something that all girls and women feel (whether crossdressers, transgendered or GG). I remember some of the emotionally difficult times my sister went through, unfavourably comparing herself to other girls and her friends. So I think what you are feeling is just what all girls feel! It doesn’t make the feelings better, but does put them into perspective, you are probably more feminine than you think!
Hugs Christine
@jennyw You raised a few issues that are bothering you.
Firstly, it seems obvious that you are not out to your family. It's up to you to accept your situation, so as to keep your secret. In other words, the price you pay to keep it secret. This should have little to do with your feeling of inadequacy, though. That is entirely different.
I didn't quite get why you feel inadequate. Physically? Romance? Financial / education / career? What people call "success"? Family building? Sports playing? There can be a whole bunch of reasons why you may feel this way.
Please consider going to an appropriate therapist because you may be needlessly feeling down because you don't know how to deal with these feelings. A bit of professional guidance here may exactly what you need.
@jennyw Not anymore. Inadequate may be the eyes that look at you. Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than others are.
the only person you need to please is yourself.
Gisela
@jennyw Yes, but not for the same reason. In male mode I would very rarely feel physically inadequate as I've been in generally good shape for a long time. Mentally, however, is another matter! Career-wise I've been pretty successful and that continues with the consequence of having a pretty good life but I often find myself thinking that I don't deserve it
I am sure we all go through times when we don’t think we are tall enough, pretty enough, rich enough, etc. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is to judge ourselves by comparison with others. You, me and every other human are equally valid and valuable, regardless of stature, age, gender, sex, intelligence, wealth or whatever sort of measure. You are valuable and worthwhile just for being you.
@jennyw Yes, absolutely, or I really used to as a man but have developed an attitude of not giving a flying 🦆 about what people think of me. Tonight, for example, we went out for dinner to a casual restaurant. I wore cargo shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops — with socks. Why? Because my feet were cold. I didn’t feel like impressing anyone or seeking the approval of strangers.
But when I’m in Jill mode, which isn’t often enough, I do feel inadequate. And to be honest, it’s impossible to shake that feeling. Maybe it’s because I know I’m a fraud, just a MIAD, with masculine features and a deep baritone voice. I haven’t found the courage yet to walk into a ladies restroom because I know that I won’t pass anything more than the briefest of inspections and I expect nothing but trouble for it. But I’ve also been out in public at least six times, going to at least 13 different businesses and one courthouse here in town.
And I’m talking full-blown Jill-mode: Skirts, wig, makeup, shoes, nail polish, purse, in short, the works. You may ask “But if you’re so insecure, how do you go out?” The answer is, by not giving in to my insecurities and fears to the point that they cripple and stifle me. I will AWAYS have feelings of inadequacy, but I have always had feelings of pure bliss, beauty, love, gratitude, and adventure to name a few.
What I’m trying to say is this: don’t let your negative thoughts and feelings hold you back. You will be judged, and harshly at times, but you may be pleasantly surprised when you’re judged in positive ways too. Women do this all the time to one another and men judge them too. So try not to worry about what they think as long as they keep it to themselves. Just enjoy your beautiful life!
Big, supportive hugs, Jill
Jenny, for most of my life I've struggled to deal with not being "good enough". I was born in 1955, some six months after my parents got married (yeah, I've "done the math" too!) and they separated and divorced within a year. I had no contact with my father, and I use the term solely in the biological sense, as he did not bother to visit. One parent families were uncommon to say the least back then, especially in the small mining village I grew up in and, although I had friends, I always felt like the odd one out.
I, unsurprisingly, struggled with what we now know as feelings of inadequacy but then I just felt bad a lot of the time. None of that was down to my mum, she worked hard to provide for me but she had to move back in with her parents so they spent a lot of time with me...and also a lot of time shouting and arguing with each other. This affected me badly too as I thought it was my fault, I should have been living like my friends, with a mum and dad.
Jump forward to puberty and girls, I was so scared of rejection, I wouldn't even ask a girl to dance, let alone ask her out on a date.
At around 14 or 15, I discovered that I could hide all this with humour and so began a strategy of gaining acceptance through making people laugh. At the same time I chose not to join in with much of the usual teenage activities, better to do that than face rejection.
I met my future wife at 19, I was filling in a crossword puzzle in some publication or other, I can't remember and it's not important, but I was filling in silly words. This drew her attention to me and we started chatting and kept chatting as I walked her home after the pub. So, I fell into a relationship by default and without risk of rejection.
Throughout my adult life and many and varied jobs, two things were constant, thing the first, people warmed to me and told me that I was a good communicator and listener, and thing the second, I felt like an imposter!
At the age of 47 though, I decided to give up work and return to college and then university. These five years were and are among the best years of my life. I made new friends among other mature students and I got regular, good feedback from my lecturers and professors, and good marks in my essays and exams. I also began to believe what I was being told and that made a huge difference to my self confidence and how I see myself.
I graduated at age 53, some 16 years ago and, for the first time in my life, felt proud of what I had achieved.
Fast forward again to five short months ago and I discovered this amazing community! I still have to face difficulties in life but being here, seeing the honest caring that we give each other, and making real friends, has improved my, otherwise reasonably content, life exponentially!
OMG! I can hardly believe I've just shared all this, see what I mean, I would never never never have done this just six months ago.
I am finally, wait a minute, finally seems a bit, well, final! I am now comfortable in my own skin.
What was the point of this again? Oh yes, if it can happen to me, it will happen for you.
Sometimes you just have to look that persistent negative voice in the metaphorical eye and tell it to shut the expletive up!
I hope some of what I've said resonates with you and helps, in some way, to deal with your own feelings of inadequacy.
"See the light, enter the light, become the light and SHINE like the star you know you are".
Hugs
Allie xx
I just re-read my reply and, while my intention was to highlight 1: the influencing factors in my life with regard to feelings of inadequacy, and 2: the transformational effects of being part of this sisterhood, it now seems a bit me me me. It has also highlighted a hitherto unknown aspect of replies, I can't find any way to edit it!
Allie x
Members can edit Forum posts for a few hours after they first write them. After that, they 'lock'. This is so that people can't go back and substantially change the content or meaning of what they said after their post has already started to generate replies.
But, Allie ... you don't need to change anything about what you wrote.
It's wonderful.
Ellie x
Thanks, Ellie. For the helpful info and also for the assurance/ego massage😊.
I may need to join Caroline D in seeking, and I quote, Humility Replacement Therapy!
Hugs
Allie x
After that, they 'lock'. This is so that people can't go back and substantially change the content or meaning of what they said after their post has already started to generate replies.
I am / was on some huge forums that allowed unrestricted editing and it was not a problem*. In fact, it allows members to update / maintain information that has changed over time. I also used to maintain some threads myself. Still do.
* It was not a problem with the types of forums they were. I don't know what this is like in the crossdressing arena, but I don't see it as a problem with the CDH members that I read here.
Thanks, Harriette, I don't mind either way, it'll make me think before I hit the reply button, no bad thing seeing as I occasionally indulge in "stream of consciousness" writing🙄.
Allie x
@alexina Wow, that really was a cathartic post Allie 🙂 You go girl! It's so good to that you feel comfortable in yourself and able to let it all out.
Thanks, Fiona. You're right, cathartic really is the appropriate term for how much my engagement with this family, and my choice to share openly has affected me.
You also recognise how becoming comfortable in and with myself allows and encourages me to share such deeply personal stuff so openly. I often say to new members that joining this community has the potential to change lives and, clearly, it is changing mine. So, comfortable with myself, yes, but also to the same degree with all the girls here whose demonstrable caring and understanding plays an equal part in encouraging this level of openness and honesty. It's abundantly clear, from your own sharing, that you know this too😊.
It remains my sincerest hope that, by sharing as we and others do, our sisters who are facing difficulties, can feel free to share anything and everything here and gain the benefits.
Of course, we are also free to share the fun stuff too! 😊😊
Oh, how I truly wish this place had been here 30, nay 40 years ago, imagine being this happy for all that time!
Allie x
@alexina I's real, Allie. My life changed for better. A few years ago I did not dare to share even a fifth of the experiences that I share now.
Hi, Gisela, then you and I are both benefiting from being part of this wonderful family. It really is a shining example of how humans can live when giving and receiving compassion 💚
Allie x
You also recognise how becoming comfortable in and with myself allows and encourages me to share such deeply personal stuff so openly. I often say to new members that joining this community has the potential to change lives and, clearly, it is changing mine. So, comfortable with myself, yes, but also to the same degree with all the girls here whose demonstrable caring and understanding plays an equal part in encouraging this level of openness and honesty. It's abundantly clear, from your own sharing, that you know this too
.
It remains my sincerest hope that, by sharing as we and others do, our sisters who are facing difficulties, can feel free to share anything and everything here and gain the benefits.
.It is the sharing isn't it. Although I've never really stopped to think about it, I just shared from the moment I joined, before I even read many other posts or profiles. Maybe it was instinctive, but still so unlike drab me! The compassion, support and encouragement I've received back has been the absolute key to effect changes and bring happiness into my life, that I could not have dreamed of 😊 I love this place, it's a virtuous circle! I can only likewise encourage all the girls out there to engage and receive 🤗
Even better, I don't think it just applies on here. I've been out the last two Saturday nights as Fiona and I was amazed at how fast I got talking to the people around me, and how much I was happy to share with them when they asked me. None of which would ever have happened if I'd gone in drab! It seems like being totally open - vulnerable even - about who you are, just brings out the best in people 🙂
It seems like being totally open - vulnerable even - about who you are, just brings out the best in people
Exactly, Fiona. The rewards justify the risk.
Xx
Oh, how I truly wish this place had been here 30, nay 40 years ago
40 years ago it would have been something like an alt.sex.crossdresser text moderated news group. Everything would have been done in a terminal window with fixed width characters. Your email address would be a series of machines to play phone tag to get from the core of the internet. The reverse list to the core plus their list from the core was your full email path. Something like this (but much longer): mach_c!mach_b!core_mach!mach_y!mach_z!usr You couldn't thank a post or post pictures. Emojis would be ASCII art such as :-) for happy face and ;-) for wink or <3 for heart (hint - read the sequence on the side). We forget the internet wasn't that old!
@jennyw We are who we are, no more no less. Be yourself as that is always best. Being ourselves takes a little time, and when we get there what others think really isn't important because we reach a new space in our lives. One thing for sure is others will always have an opinion. Years ago someone started telling me what to do. My reply was simple, should they wish to pay my rent then maybe I'd allow them to tell me. Discussion was over. As for young people they like to feel the person they are speaking with is actually interested and listening to them. Talk with them, and not at them as that has worked for me.
Yeah, Jenny. But more & more, I'm feeling that I stack up better as a woman than as a man.
This is an interesting thought. Do I fit in. Where do I fit in. Why do I want to fit in.
I feel inadequate when I have a strong desire to go out dressed and I can't, won't, or shouldn't. Just yesterday, I had the urge, and so I subtly dressed (shoes only) and went out shopping. I felt normal at times. I felt cautious at times. I felt like I didn't fit in at times.
Would I fit in if I was younger, single, slimmer. Would I pass and be accepted as trans.
Would I fit in at a CD event.
Is fitting in just a state of mind. I wish it was something achievable purely through meditation.
If only life was simpler.
@jennyw I understand when you look at the way the women are dressed and feel envious, and I completely understand about not fitting in with the guys.
On the other hand I don't quite understand why you felt it necessary to try and dress in a style that sounds like you were trying to be someone you are not. Which is - let's face it - one of the major issues we have in the CD/TV/TG whatever community; not being able to be ones true self.
I suppose we all have these moments of existential crisis from time to time, but is it so important to hang around with a bunch of people who - from the sound of it - you don't have much in common? It's a social event, so just hang out and be sociable. Why be part of a herd? And who wants to be a macho man anyway?!!!
Just be yourself Jenny 🙂
I have never been a 'Manly man' but carried on a did my best. As a woman I felt inadequate but knew this was what I wanted so made me the best woman I could be. I am no glamour model but make the best of it.
I take Carolines thread as it would seem you are comparing yourself against others and aspiring to be like them. To many people do this in life and fail to see what strengths they have, exploit them and be proud of who they are.
We are all individuals and have strengths and weaknesses. Have sensible aspirations, be the person you are and be proud. You are unique so get out there and hold your head up high.
Jenny -
Sorry to hear you had that experience.
It is easy to say but you be you. I've struggled with this issue most of my life. I acted like the macho guy while suppressing my true feelings, not only to others but to myself. It is only in the past few years, since coming out to my wife, that I have opened up and accepted my feminine side. I go to therapy which helps me to recognize and connect with that part of myself. I think I'm kinder and gentler and enjoy being that way. While I accept my feminine side, I only dress at home which is fine as I wouldn't blend in due to my goatee (which my wife doesn't want me to shave off). I do have pierced ears and wear earrings 24/7 and on occasion will go out wearing a pair of female shorts my wife gave me or wearing a pair of ankle boots (my wife is okay with that as she says they look like male cowboy boots). I am more comfortable around females than males and don't see anything wrong with that, although I did for a long time.
The most important thing is to be yourself. It is the inside that is important not the wrapping on the package. It's kind of funny but I wonder what the world would be like if we all were naked with nothing to hide - maybe the world would be a more accepting place.
XOXO
Suzanne
@cdsue I am a social nudist as is my wife and in my long experience at clubs and nude beaches nudists are very accepting and friendly. At resorts where there is a Prude beach and a Nude beach the nude people will be chatting away in minutes after they arrive for the first time but on the Prude beach they do not integrate as easily. Best, Marlene.
Thank you ALL.!!
It is nice to know I am not alone, but I never feel free unless I am alone and dress with out worries. I know it's a me problem and I should try harder to remember what I do have. A loving wife that does accept Jenny as long as no one sees her. And 2 great kids
and of course this website!!! I am sure u all would say the same without it we would be a lot worse off. It helps knowing we are not alone not the weirdos we thought we where.
THANK YOU
- I have the opposite issue . Outwardly I’m very masculine, not macho, just manly. I don’t try to be it’s just how I am. All the whole inwardly I feel softer and feminine. Do to the world we live in. My life situation and the field I work in it’s difficult to let my fem side show.
I was also at a gathering this weekend. I fit right in with the men but most of the time I’m wishing I was talking to the women. I didn’t care what the men were wearing. My eyes were on the cute outfits the girls were in. In conversation I was definitely more into what the women were talking about most of the time. My sensibilities relate more to the feminine side.
it’s been that way most of my life. I’ve learned to not let it get me down. But to just try and enjoy the times I can be more myself and more girly
@splitdecision This is so me Natalie! I am mentally done with everything male and want it out of my life. It has made me cherish the time I am living authentically so much more and has led me to expand it and push the maleness out of my life more and more.
@lauren114 thank you for replying. There are times when I enjoy my male side. But as I get older they happen less and less.
at the end of the day I want to let that side of me go and be soft and feminine. Unfortunately for me those moments don’t happen as often as I’d prefer. But I do something or wear something everyday for myself that lets me feel girly. I’m so happy for you and your journey to womanhood. If I was younger my path might be different
Hugs Natalie 💋
In a social setting I am much more comfortable being and relating with the women than the men and more so with age. I just never really related with macho men
Its about being confident in your own skin.
Hello, I understand how you feel, but I don't like the word inappropriate. You just don't like it, and the worst thing is that you can't choose. It's like when you have a wonderful couple and their family is a disaster. I have felt out of place many times, and until recently I have not understood why,
Kisses from Carla
I don't feel like a woman, I don't want to give up being a man. I have always done team sports, but I didn't agree with the environment. And I like things from home, clothes, shopping. Makeup, jewelry...
Comparing yourself to others is a recipe for disaster. Most women feel this part or that part is too big/too small/too tight/too loose. Or maybe their skin isn't as perfect as someone else. Even supermodels feel they aren't as pretty in real life as their airbrushed photos.
We also tend to stereotype people. We think a beatiful woman or Mr. Macho is happy because "they can have whomever they want." But we don't know what is really going on in their lives and in their thoughts.
@alison-anderson I agree, Allison. Absolutely. We tend to assume for the facade of happines. As they say in my town: The procession goes inside.
Gisela
Eleanor Roosevelt: 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'
There will always somebody, prettier, smarter, faster, more masculine/feminie, etc.
I just tell myself there are certain thungs I am better at the most, but not all of the peoole in the crowd, and other things I am not as good at, and that everybody else is good and bad at their particular whatever. The manly man is not nearly as pretty as you in a dress and the pretty women in the group can't chop wood (or whatever) as you.
Jenny
I have felt exactly the same as you on so many occasions and still do when I attend a family event in male mode. I discovered I am only really happy and comfortable when I inhabit my feminine side and become the true me. It is a difficult thing to overcome if you are not in a position to 'come out' or go full time. Whilst you have no reason to feel inferior, I do understand and as I have said have been there time and time again. The main thing that helps me in this situation is thinking about my true self, ok I might be unable to exhibit this side of my self on these occasions, but I am still me, I am still very much feminine inside, I am still the fabulous person and it is those that do not see the true side of me that are missing out. Being someone special comes from within, not what you look like....
