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Friend's Funeral

14 Posts
14 Users
37 Reactions
142 Views
Posts: 829
Lady
Topic starter
(@dazzler)
Noble Member     Cardiff, South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

A couple of weeks before christmas, my not so old ex-neighbour died. She was a wonderful woman. She was a married lesbian. I was great friends with this couple, and when my son was little, we spent a lot of time over their house. My son once asked why two ladies were living together. I explained that some people love people of the same sex. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "Oh, OK". That was it. He fully grasped the concept of homosexuality. 

When we were over their house, I would often call them deviants.... In a friendly way. They'd call me a "Norm". They didn't know of my "hobby" back then. When I came out fully to the world as a crossdresser, my friend that has just died posted a reply to my coming out post on Facebook. Her reply was "So who's the deviant now then? Welcome to the club!" This made me laugh. I knew that I was accepted, and all was good. Whenever I posted a pic of Cerys on FB they always commented. Usually in the derogatory, or saying "I would!". A great couple and we were very much on the same wavelength.

My friend's funeral is in just over a week. Would it be appropriate to go as Cerys? Obviously tasteful. I have a few, what I call "funeral Dresses". One of these even reaches my knees, which is rare for me 🙂

Do I contact her widow and ask? I'm assuming that a lot of my old neighbours will be there. Most of them will know of Cerys, but only a few have met the other me. I fear that me turning up as Cerys could take away from the occasion, but I also feel that going as the other me would be in fitting with the relationship I have with the couple. I'd ,ike to think that my deceased friend would find it fitting, and maybe, entertaining. I'd like to think she be looking down having a bit of a laugh. She had an amazing laugh, and a smile that could illuminate the largest, darkest room.
I worry that if I ask the widow, she might think that I'm forcing her hand, and that she would say it was OK, just to keep me happy. I don't want to do this.

Your advice on this would be very much appreciated.

Cerys

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13 Replies
6 Replies
Baroness
(@sienna106)
Joined: 10 months ago

Estimable Member     Manchester, GreaterManchester, United Kingdom
Posts: 66

@dazzler - Under the circumstances I'd contact the widow and ask out of respect, I don't see why she might feel you're forcing her hand.

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Duchess Annual
(@isabella22)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 186

@dazzler you are so considerate, perhaps best is to explain your intention to your neighbour and ask her if she would mind. Everyone attending probably knows of Cerys. Just remember you are paying tribute to your deceased friend hope it helps.

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Lady
(@sunnyday)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Oxford, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 140

@dazzler - your wife knows you, and your relationship with your friends. What does your wife think? Having been to a few funerals last year I would say that at each one it was about remembering the deceased rather than worrying about what I'd wear.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4019

@dazzler If in doubt, ask. I am sure that you can word the question correctly / well.

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Lady
(@cherylt)
Joined: 7 months ago

Prominent Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 485

@dazzler Since her widow is aware I would call, offer my condolences and ask her if she felt comfortable with me attending the services as a "deviant". She might get a laugh out of that taking her out of her grief for a second or two and I would abide by whatever her response was.

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@dazzler Cerys, as long as you wear a traditional funeral wear I think you will be OK. Or maybe go dressed more androgynous.  Or a third option might be to bring along your Cerys clothes that you could change into. 

Cassie 

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Posts: 304
(@Anonymous 100087)
Reputable Member
Joined: 2 months ago

im sure your friend wouldn't mind. they probably wished you would have come out sooner than you did. you probably missed a lot of good times with this couple. I'm sure if you were on Facebook all their friends would probably already know and not think any less of you. so many people worry about what everyone else thinks. do what feels good for you. how would you feel if you died and someone you knew went to your funeral dressed, but you never knew until you died. just think about all the good time you could have had together. but like alot of us, we wait until it's too late. go to the funeral dressed and who knows, you might find a friend that you didn't know does the same.

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Posts: 1742
Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

I think the question boils down to: Will you be a distraction? The question extends not only at the funeral, but afterwards. If you think people will be talking about you and not not your neighbor (or remember you and not your neighbor), the answer would be no.

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Posts: 162
Duchess
(@sophie85)
Estimable Member     New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

This is tricky.  I wouldn't want to be a distraction.  You can ask her widow and see what she says.

If they had a more private service with just family and close friends (since it seems like you've entered that close friends inner circle) I'd be inclined to go as my fem self.

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Posts: 1841
Baroness
(@annaredhead)
Famed Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 11 months ago

If you feel you could be a distraction, then I suggest go in drab or gender neutral to avoid any unnecessary attention

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Posts: 624
Duchess
(@michellemybell)
Noble Member     Clearwater, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

If you have not shown Cerys to the widow and attendees before I don't think the funeral is a good place to start since the chance of being a distraction is very real and I know that is not your intent.

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1 Reply
(@katiep)
Joined: 3 months ago

Reputable Member     Nottinghamshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 142

@michellemybell These are wise words, also there is your wife to consider and her concerns etc.

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Posts: 3446
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

A difficult one Cerys but this is about her and your relationship with the couple as a whole. From what you say and the fun relationship it would seem you don't need to ask as it would seem a given that Cerys would attend. If going you would dress appropriately and doubt if anyone else there would care as it is about your friend and your friendship with her.

I have been in a similar situation and went dressed. The family although not asked expected it, pleased I did. I met old colleagues who didn't know but were not phased as we were there to pay respects.

Of course what does your wife think but that's my thoughts and hope you find a resolution.

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