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I would love to go shopping but am too frightened in case I’m recognised. Can’t even leave the house in case my neighbour realises it’s me. Can anyone help out with some advice?
Hi Susan,
The biggest obstacle you have is YOU! Ourselves are our biggest critics. We tend to pick ourselves apart and talk ourselves out of doing things while dressed.
You can start out by going to the mall dressed and just stay in the car. Then challenge yourself to go farther. It's a nervous but exciting feeling. Once you do it, you'll be so glad you did.
You can do this Susan!
Fran 🥰
@lestay Hi Susan, all my outings (not that I have many - roughly 1 every 3 months) are well away from home - I want to keep Anna well away from neighbours, work and the area I live. If I'm out and dressed and heading home, I'll stop on the way, take my wig off and slip some male clothing on over my femme outfit.
If I'm out then I will be in the car so always have a change to male outfit in case of emergency.
I do keep meaning to have a femme day out shopping in Brighton, I've just never quite had the nerve to do it.
Anna x
Hi Susan,
For many years my only crossdressed forays into the outside world were done many miles from where I lived. They were usually done on business trips. Some of the earliest I can recollect involved getting crossdressed in a hotel room, covering up with trousers and a zip-up coat, walking out past reception, driving to a quiet town centre (usually on a dark evening), remove cover-up clothes and completing the transformation (including a wig, though the only make-up would be lipstick). I would then go for a quiet walk (keeping to safe areas), before reversing the whole process. Nobody seemed to take any significant notice of me and in that way I started to build my confidence.
Quite a few years later when I had more confidence, on a few occasions I drove to a major London shopping mall quite early in the morning before anyone much was around. I did the complete MtF change in a disabled toilet and was able to spend two or three hours wandering around the mall as it became busier, before eventually driving off and heading a couple of hundred miles north (while still en-femme) towards the hotel where I would be staying ready for a business meeting the following day. Before getting to the hotel I would find a very secluded spot to pull into and do the FtM transformation. I even found a wonderfully helpful lingerie shop that was near my route and I was able to call in there (while en-femme) to try on and purchase items.
These tactics enabled me to establish a considerable degree of confidence which helped in much more recent times when I "came out" to my wife; that process is described in the Article "The New Normal".
So, Susan, these are just my own experiences but I hope they give you a few ideas on some potential steps you could take to build your own confidence.
Hugs, Rebecca xxx
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PS: Quote from T S Eliot: “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go”.
@lestay When I got my own place at 18, it was my opportunity to get some really great and sexy clothes, wear them freely any time I wanted and be able to go out any time I wanted.
I got some stiletto heels, and incredibly sexy, short dresses. When I wore them and saw myself in the mirror, I was amazed. I was so pretty and sexy. I have to wear this out and show the world. Just seeing myself and thinking about doing that was incredibly exciting.
I would grab grab my purse and head for the front door. I would feel my nervousness build. It took a lot of strength to just open the door, where just a short time ago, I was all excited and ready to go.
I would look around. If I saw anyone or heard anything, I would quickly retreat inside and close the door, breathing all heavy with my heart pounding. This scenario repeated itself many times as I tried it over and over try it again.
Then one evening, I got the nerve to just stand outside. There was some people around, but I didn't seem to be drawing their attention. I decided I was just going to stand outside, check out who was around and when I thought it was safe, close the door and walk to my car.
Then one evening, I decided this is it. I shut the door and began walking to my car. My heels clicking on the pavement, Mmmm!, my silky pantyhose caressing my legs, Oh my!, the cool air under my dress, So blissful!, my pretty hair gently blowing in the light breeze. I was in a total femme trance. Then my whole fantasy collapsed and reality came racing in when I nearly walked into a guy and his dog. Total panic set in. I wanted to run away and back to my apartment. But my car was closer. I went there. I quickly opened the door and the interior lights came on shining on my legs. That guy is going to see this. Oh no! But damn, my legs looked so sexy in my shiny pantyhose and stiletto heels, shown off so magnificently in my very short dress. In my panic, I felt a rush of thrill and excitement. This guy is going to get a great leg show from me as I'm getting in the car.
I moved quickly and shut the door. I was breathing heavy. I had to calm down. That took several minutes. Then I had to decide of I should try walking back to my apartment and hope for no more surprise encounters, or go out for a few hours. I decided to go out. I started the car and took a look at my legs. I can't believe how sexy and amazing they looked and what I'm doing. As I began driving off, I noticed the guy and his dog. I waved to him as I passed.
When I returned, I parked the car, got out and didn't even look for anyone being around before I walked back to my apartment. It had been a scary but exciting and thrilling experience.
After a few more standing outside and determine the best time to walk to the car, I stopped doing that. I would just step outside and walk to my car. If I passed anyone, I would wave and smile at them. If I was in guy mode, I would smile and say hello to them.
I don't know if anyone wondered why the sexy young girl and friendly young guy were never seen together. I don't even know if they suspected or knew they were the same person.
There has been countless time where I wanted to do things while dressed, like riding on escalators to show off my legs in pantyhose to those behind me, buy pantyhose while dressed femme and wearing pantyhose and go shoe shopping en femme, and so many other things. Pretty much every time I was stopped by fear and nervousness. But I also had intense desire. I really wanted to do those things. I just kept at it. I did little steps and courage building until I did it. If it was a great experience, I would do it again. Often many times.
I could only suggest that you keep at it and build your courage and confidence a little at a time. It can be scary and quite paralyzing, but amazing thrilling and exciting too.
@lestay Well I’ve done this a few times now and when I started it would be dark out and later in the evenings. Go for a drive at first then maybe go out and go for a walk. I’ve found that once out en femme you will want to do it more often. I also will wear woman’s jeans and top with light makeup and perfume but still presenting as a man. ( no wig or breastforms). You can get mostly ready, slip out to your car and do the finishing touches on the car. Again I would go to a town or 2 over from my town for the lester chance of running into someone I know. I started small like going to Walmart just before close as the store is really quiet and grab some pantyhose, maybe some snacks and makeup and use the self checkout. Hope this helps.
@lestay Hi Susan...Anna/Fran,(among others had good ideas on all fronts & some very practical). I understand & even after years, I've created a lot of personal online purchase relationships (now even ppl I do a bit of modeling for help 2x over for good sizing advice, knowing my size per fabrics). But as you wish to shop itself, for the experience I hope you can work out a combo. I confess, GF's help me in this dept for ever as I can become shy. Clubs are one thing! As said, we are our own perfection machines but worrying about others is a hurdle too. I again understand it w/ your neighbor...surely you'll find a MO! <3 Kyra
@lestay Dress at home and cover up with sweatpants or something similar. Sunglasses do a good job of concealing makeup. Go to a relatively secluded spot and remove your cover up and do the finishing touches (wig, shoes, lipstick, etc.). This worked for me for quite a while.
Hello Susan,
it is perfectly natural to be afraid, it took me a very long time to finally walk out , then it took me years to finally walk out in public at different shopping malls, big regret to be honest, I wish to had done it sooner.
The first thing you must do, work on your makeup, make it as natural as possible, do not exaggerate, there are concealers that will neutralize your beard, if that is a problem for you, online tutorials are available.
You need to dress place and time of day appropriate, try to look like every other woman out there.
Try to practice your walk, don’t exaggerate, it looks dumb, be as natural as possible, short steps.
Last, just own it, get outside, nobody really looks at you or cares, everyone is more accepting now a days, please drop me a note if I can further assist you, it is so much fun to be out with the public.
Hey Susan, we're thrilled to have you with us hun. You're lucky that your wife knows. Look, I can't envisage any scenario where I would be out and about (well possibly one, but I won't go there for now 😂) . But there are so many lovely ladies here, and thousands of them are out in public. Ask some detailed questions and you will be flooded with suggestions and support. Maybe even local groups to meet up with. Stay active here and I guarantee you will feel the benefit of being part of such a wonderful community.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
Thanks for your kind words Chrissie, makes me feel at ease x
@lestay you're very welcome Susan. Dive in and get to know the lovely girls here xx.
Hi Susan,
Welcome to CDH. You’re not alone fearing to be recognized. An option is to venture out in drab. Or perhaps, you can leave to go shopping after dark. After a few outings you’ll find that most people are absorbed in their own thoughts they don’t notice you.
Alice
Hello Susan
Welcome to CDH, I would totally agree with Carla and what she says about the make-up and dressing to suit the time of day, where you want to go and what everybody else is wearing. Another thought is not to go shopping local go two or three suburbs away, less likely to be recognised
It took me a while to bite the bullet and shut the front door behind me during the day, and go and have a coffee and chat with one of the other CDH girls that live not too far away, and after that very enlightening chat it's given me the confidence to go out at any time I want to, Thanks Polly:
So do it carefully become one of the crowd and you'll enjoy it so much, it's worth it
Diane
Welcome to CDH, Susan!
There is going out and then there is going out en femme.
Because you are very hesitant, may I suggest building up your skills and courage slowly. If you slow things down, then you are less likely to make mistakes or get outed more easily. Yes, it is exciting to deep dive into something new, but you obviously are aware of some of the risks of making a mistake.
Having said that, if you build up your closet with nice, casual women's clothes that don't scream "these are women's clothes", then you will be able to go out, be in women's clothes, but you won't have a spotlight pointed at you. This helps you build your style and your courage.
If you go out too soon in, say, a dress, wig, make-up and heels, that is going to be a shock, both to you and probably to others observing you. Think of what you are doing and how you will look to others.
Some CDs call this dressing stealthily, but I call it androgynous dressing applying illusion and obfuscation. In general, MtoF crossdressing is an illusion. With the right clothes & padding, the illusion is started with your shape. The idea, at first, is to not draw much attention to yourself. You gain experience that supports your plans. While I certainly support you going out, you have to learn your tactics for, say, not being clocked by your neighbours. What you do in public later is up to you, but you have to get there first.
If you have any questions, there are lots of CDs here that can guide you further.
Hi Susan, welcome to CDH 🙂
I was nervous about 'the neighbours'. I got over the mental barrier by going out by the back gate rather than the front door - I even had a side gate installed so I could leave the house without being seen by the neighbours. My neighbours are not in during the day most of the time which is when I got out - so really no worries.
I have actually been seen by the neighbours coming and going - nothing happened the sky didn't fall. They probably just assumed I was a visitor; most people take no notice of what goes on outside their houses.
Once you get out - you'll be fine.
You have many options. Not being recognized is thr easy part; just go someplace well out of town. If you have the time and money go away for a weekend. Hotels are a great place to change and get ready. Nobody cares and most hotels are used to CDs...we are not that uncommon.
As for the confidence to go out, there are two optiins. You can do it gradually like a night time druce en femme, then a stop for gas or a walk in a park, erc. as you slowly build confidence. Or, you can just jump in with both high heels. Gwt all dressed up and go out somewhere. LgBTQ bars are a good option.
I started gardually but realized it really was no big deal and just bit the bullet and went out, so I did a hybrid of rhe two. It is fun and not an issue as long as you use a little sense and do things safely.
I have the same fear issues, but last night after dark, I went to my mailbox dressed in a skirt & top. It's like 200ft from my front door to the mailbox. I live in the country, so the road isn't a busy one. When I got to the mailbox in view of the street, my neighbour over the road was stood on his front porch (another 200ft away). He NEVER stands out on his porch! Here I am this morning, and the world didn't end. 😀
I had the same fears. It was in my head. But like others have said, once you take that first step, it’s really not that bad.
If anything, you can simply drive around. That’s what I did and then slowly gathered courage to stop by for coffee and then walk into a store.
There is no template, but if you pick a task where you’ll be in control, I think you’ll be comfortable.
This quote helped me a lot:
“The secret to happiness is freedom … and the secret to freedom is courage.”
Saleena
Awww..thanks so much, Chrissie!🥰
Susan,
The first thing you should decide is if you are comfortable with your look, your clothing, your makeup and your mannerisms. Are you ready to blend in with other GG women in your age group?
The other thing is have you thought through the ramifications among friends, family, your job ...etc if people knew? Are you yourself psychologically ready to handle that actually happening?
If not, then I would suggest hold off a while and think those issues through prior to going out in public. I live full time as a woman in large part because I dealt with those issues early on. You shouldn't go out until you have come to terms with those questions. If you are then comfortable with it and indeed go out, you may find it a life changing experience.
Go at your own pace.
I have a fear of neighbors seeing me too and always end up looking out the window first before I step outside. I've been lucky so far with my numerous excursions, but I know it's only going to be a matter of time before I'm seen. But you know what? Since I've been stepping out, I've grown in confidence and don't care anymore about being seen anymore. My friends have seen my dressed up and have accepted it and their acceptance have been a big help in my confidence. My point is it will get better once you leave your house.
With all that said, if you want to try small, maybe try stepping outside late at night when you're sure everyone else is sleeping. Just spending some time in the quite of night reflecting on how you feel dressed up in that very moment is very helpful and will hopefully give you the confidence you need to go further.
I wish you much luck with this. I'm actually a bit envious of you because you have so much to look forward to. I hope that gives you some comfort.
Hi Susan,
Welcome to CDH. I'm Sandie.
You're not alone in your fear of being seen as Susan, in public, or by your neighbors. Sandie has the same fears.
Sandie hasn't gone out en femme in public yet.
However, reading the above posts is very helpful and insightful from the other ladies who have already ventured out, in public. It has given Sandie some ideas of her own for doing this.
Anyway, I agree with the other ladies that 95% of this fear is in our own heads.
I hope my post helps you Susan, in realizing you're not alone in all this?
Hugs,
Sandie ❤️.
