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Yesterday and today I've been feeling in the masculine/guy mode. And I noticed one strange difference.
My masculine side shows up about 10% - 20% of the time these days. It's not as strong as it used to seem, when I would get that feeling of rejecting Lorie, pushing her out the door, wondering why I have all these clothes Now it's more a feeling that she's in the next room, sitting on the couch reading a book. When I'm ready, I can join her or she'll just come in here and sit in this chair to be me.
It's still a little confusing, because I don't know what happened, when it happened, or when I'll swing back to Lorie. But I'm getting more comfortable with it, more comfortable with the uncertainty, and trusting that her wardrobe is not a waste of money and space.
One of the interesting things that I notice in this guy mode cycle is that my "breasts" are gone.
See, when I'm feeling feminine, and maybe even when I'm feeling androgynous, I feel like I have breasts. I'm not on HRT, so there is not any tissue that would qualify as breasts, not even "man-boobs." But there is a sensation there that feels like there is something protruding, and there is a definite outline to them. It's a glorious feeling that feels perfect without breast forms, and can feel enhanced by breast forms at times. Sometimes I just wear my sports bra with no breast forms and it feels like I am filling it out just right.
Right now, that "breasts" sensation is totally absent. Nothing. I have a regular man-chest.
What I take from that is that this sensation, or lack thereof, might be my barometer for my place on the gender spectrum at any particular time. Perhaps this is a clear indicator of my current gender. Maybe I can get clarity by asking myself one simple question:
"Got tits?"
I don't think it's breast centric, but that's only a feeling.
Certainly, when I have my forms in, I can tell that men and women alike admire the shape, and they certainly feel nicely prominent, without being obscene.
Gender is simply fluid. Some guys are total alphas, most of the time - but have a soft side. Some guys are so girly, some girls are incredibly butch - or suave and hypnotising... and probably not all the time.
Gender is an expression of self. Self can express itself in many ways, gender is a varying part of that mercurial self, different for all of us, and more constant in some than others.
Masculine and Feminine are distinguishing labels, like right and left, up and down - terms that have little consequence in space.
You can travel North, South or any direction in between. You can go your own way or follow the trends, or both.
For me, I just love creating an appearance that I like. It delights me when others like my creation, and it makes me sad if they don't like my work. Like my music - I can tell when I play it to people that they don't hear it like I do, and I want to take it away from them before they comment. Why would they get it? It's packed full of codes that only I can crack, and every time I listen to it, I crack a few more. It's my art, and I like it, and dislike that others don't.
It probably shouldn't - why should I care?
I don't know, but it's part of my makeup to care, so I'll stick with it and keep aiming for the good stuff.
Nobody got anywhere by sticking themselves in a box!
Unless they put a stamp on and... My thoughts are racing tonight - have fun!
Love Laura
I think most people are pretty indifferent towards their own gender and people like most of us here can’t stand the conformity that most people can. Just because we don’t need a full rebellion against the expectations that came with our body doesn’t mean that our desire to love outside of them needs to be assessed. I hope your male side can look at all those clothes he doesn’t need and treat them with the same indifference most people can have until his boobs come back, because they will and they will probably want something more flattering when that happens!
until then, hearts and rainbows,
aoife
Lorie, always thought provoking 💋😊
The needs and feelings within us are as individual as we are to each other.
For me, there are two portions (male and female) that make the full being. After she shouted loud enough for me to hear and recognize her, Olivia has been and is forever present, dressed or not.
I certainly enjoy dressing but don't feel an absolute need to. That may have something to do with the ability to dress fairly freely. As with many other things, being told you can't, makes you need it more some how.
Yep to this.
When I take off my bra and see my bare, shaven chest in the mirror inside I'm like " 'A' cup!"
Even though they look exactly the same on any other male oriented day 😉
Hi Olivia , pretty much spot on for me , my
<p style="text-align: left;">" default setting" is now definitely female though , I often move all the way to the female end of of the spectrum but rarely far into to the masculine end. I'm free to express my femme side daily , full crossdressing makeovers 4 times a year , Tiff ☺</p>
Hi Lorie !
I did laugh out loud at "got tits?"
Thank you for this. Some things come to us in unexpected ways. I wanted to reply when I read this yesterday but my attempts were all wrong. It's taken me almost a full day to figure out why. Articulating it is difficult.
I'm in flux.
Spinning in the gender blender.
That looks horrible in print and actually felt terribly insensitive to others as I wrote it, but that's how I feel.
I'm sitting at work in an out of the way spot dressed in my manly man clothes and boots, crying.
Thank you for helping me see something in myself.
Don't worry. I'm ok.
I gotta go.....tighten up my "masculinity" to get through this day.
Autumn
