Getting “the feels!”

You have in some way answered your own question Gemma. That feminine self you connect has probably been there all the time but you have had to ignore them. It is suppressed due to your life and expectations put on you. You are now allowing yourself to express them.

I started dressing just a few years ago. When dressed I seem to enjoy the older music more. The softer sounds yet jazzy tunes you'll hear on the Sinatra Chanel. The music just seems to bring out more feelings from within me.   

This is a very interesting question.  Ever since I can remember, I've felt more comfortable around girls than boys.  I really didn't enjoy the rough and tumble, vulgar, physical orientation of my male peers, so those feminine "feels" have always been there, in spite of having many interests which are typically male, too, such as technology, electronics, computers, etc.

But when I'm femme, I do feel more at ease.  Even though my female clothes are often tighter and I often wear undergarments which strain to force me into a more feminine shape, I feel far more comfortable en femme.  My wife has commented on my much easier going manner when I'm dressed, and how I'm a much better listener and at least seem to her to be more empathetic.  If I go for several days without dressing, I can feel my stress level steadily rise.

My musical tastes really don't change at all whether drab or en femme.  Maybe that's because my tastes are very eclectic to begin with, but I think it's because, as I initially said, I've always had a feminine...personality (that doesn't seem to be quite the right word, but it will do for now).

I enjoy chick flicks, provided they aren't the sort that stereotype men in a bad light.  Call the Midwife is one of our favorite TV series right now.

Prior to my starting dressing (about four years ago), I consciously made a continual effort to stifle typically feminine mannerisms.  Now that Charlotte is here, I have let those mannerisms out, too, and sometimes my wife has to gently remind me to "dial it back" when I'm not in girl mode.

As far as literature goes, my tastes tend toward more male-identified subjects, such as science fiction, and most of the authors I like are men (although who doesn't like some Ursula Le Quin?)  Maybe I should make a conscience effort to curl up, while en femme, with good book of my wife's recommendation and see how that goes.

Gemma -

Thank you for your topic and questions. Reading the responses thus far is interesting and relatable. 

For myself I would have to say that I have always had a feminine side but suppressed it as it wasn't something that was acceptable. Growing up with 3 sisters and being housebound during the winter doing girly things was the theme of the day. I played sports but wasn't very athletic and was a "four eyed, tinsel tooth geek" so didn't have many friends. I would suppress any emotional feelings I had as to not appear weak. There were times that I would do something nice for someone that was totally out of character and I would tell others not to say anything as I didn't want my street cred ruined. It wasn't until a little over 4 years ago that I let my alter ego (Suzanne) out. Since that time I have embraced this part of me. My wife has told me that I am less stressed when I have the chance to dress. I still have a problem outwardly expressing emotions but they are starting to break thru (I find myself with leaky eyes when watching certain scenes in movies or reading something touching) but it is something I'm working on. I enjoy watching chick flicks with my wife (and sometimes without - one I like is Eat, Love, Pray - a message in self-discovery), I used to read Danielle Steele novels as well. One of the fun tings my wife and I do is critique outfits worn on game shows, news shows, competition shows (The Voice being one) and awards shows to name a few. Music is something that I have a varied taste in but do have a tendency toward softer gentler songs at times. 

Now that Suzanne is out (at least to my wife and therapist) I am a much happier person.

Thank you for such an insightful and inspiring post.

XOXO
Suzanne

Thank you Gemma for such a thoughtful topic.

I definitely notice the transformation that happens when I put on a fabulous dress, amazing what a little joy in the fact that you are living the best you can do for a girl! My wife does remark on the fact that I am just that little bit kinder when I am in a dress and I think that is one of the many reasons I am taking this journey into knowing myself better.

As for my taste in music, it is has definitely been weighted toward the femme side to the extent that my wife jokes that if I leave her it will be for an older lady of colour, think Omara Portuondo, Cesária Évora or Billie Holliday.

Here is to "wine, women and song!"

Big hugs from Davita.

My music tastes, indoor hobbies and studying don't change under pink mist. What does change is I worry much less about work, life stuff etc. Anna is much more relaxed than me in drab.  

Ok. Here’s the mess that is my brain: when I’m in drab I listen to Linda Ronstadt, Nora Jones and Diana Krall because they are sexy and I fantasize about being with them. When I’m Sheryl, I listen to Linda Ronstadt, Nora Jones and Diana Krall because they are feminine and I fantasize about being like them! 

I like to think that my musical tastes don't change, but I do find myself listening to a lot more Dua Lipa en femme! I've always had a penchant for women artists and the female voice. Growing up in a wasteland of toxic masculinity, I learned early on to keep my feminine nature under wraps and deeply buried. I don't think it escaped notice that I preferred my grandmother's company above all others. She was the one person whose love I never doubted. Now, when I'm feeling the full Nikki, I just let it happen regardless of how I'm dressed. It does feel especially nice to shed the drabware at those times though! 

My music taste definitely changes. Especially when I’m excited. Also, when days are hard and I allow myself to be vulnerable, as opposed to be the tough guy.

Realising this, I wonder if everyday challenges would sometimes be easier to overcome as Jamie…