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In light of recent court events that we can't mention, I'm beginning to wonder whether what I do is worth the effort or not.
I cross-dress for a hobby and TBH, since I now have to watch what I'm doing and where I go all of a sudden, it just doesn't seem as much fun anymore. I'm wondering if I should just put Becca away and go and do something else with my life. I get nothing much out of dressing at home, my motivation comes from mingling in plain sight out there in the world, but now I feel there are accusing eyes on me all the time, my confidence is shot and I'm becoming quite resentful of the world in general. I'm not going to purge, I'm not ashamed of what I do, and anyway, I have a lot of money tied up in Becca, but perhaps a break wouldn't go amiss.
Has anyone else just taken a break, did it work for you? Did you come back full of enthusiasm or something else.
Hugs from a thoughtful Becca
@rebeccabaxter I too consider this a fantastic hobby that brings me immense joy. I have only ventured out three times in my entire life. I, like you, feel that dressing at home is not enough for me anymore. Here in the good old USA, the climate is also swinging towards less acceptance. It's such a shame as we had come so far and I was beginning to take advantage of the times. I myself cannot stop now. I have just broken down that wall and I am craving going out so much. I am so grateful for the local groups that exist and the events that they hold. Power in numbers is so great. I do not believe I could or would go out alone at this time. I wish you luck as we both try to figure this out. At least you are self aware enough to know not to purge. That is such a waste of money. We all know we aren't stopping! I have so many fabulous dresses and shoes that I miss so much.
I do find that breaks can be good. I am just coming off of a 4 month break myself. But when it comes back, look out! We all know that "urge". It hits like a tidal wave. I also have found that as I get older, my feelings are also changing. I'm actually becoming more daring and less worried about the world. Heck, I posted pics for the first time and I spoke to an Ulta employee openly about my makeup in a crowded store. All we can do is care for ourselves and be careful. My development may be a bit behind yours. Like I said, I just discovered snapping photos of myself and then posting them here. That has made dressing at home more fun for me. It gives it more of a "purpose" and has given me a new sense of joy when I can't go out. But the allure of being out in public is always nagging at me too.
I think I have just rambled on and offered no solid advice to you. Hopefully somebody out there has the secret to this all. Wouldn't it be great if there was an instruction manual or guidebook for all this? Hopefully someday society will realize that none of this is really a big deal. We are just having fun! It's just clothing after all.
@dannydior301 Thank you for your spiriting words.
I'm probably just going through a phase that'll hopefully wear off. It's just that all this crap is a little discouraging for the casual dresser. I can see it would be different for the 'compulsive' (sorry about the word, can't think of another one at the mo) dresser, but for someone like me, once something becomes too much of an effort, it ceases to have appeal. It's a bit like computer games, I have no end of games I've started but I've only ever finished one of them (the original Half-Life, for the curious).
It was no effort to teach myself to appear womanly, quite fun really, but the effort now comes from trying to remain positive while the world turns to seven shades of '_it'.
Ah well, tomorrow is another day.
@rebeccabaxter Agreed. When it is fun, it is a blast! When it becomes a hassle, the joy is gone. I keep my toes painted most of the time and have gone out in public in sandals in the summer. There have been times, mid-trip, that I get a weird look or the vibe changes. The joy is gone and I need a pair of shoes ASAP! I do believe that we are somewhat "lucky" in that we can choose to "switch off" and return to male mode. I cannot imagine the struggle for others that can't do that. This world can be cruel, but it is show much easier when you can "play along" when you need to. Good luck and keep finding joy where you can!
@dannydior301 Danni you said exactly the way I feel. 25 years ago when I first meet my wife I purged everything, and took a 10 yr break (yes 10 years) the feeling was always there, looking online for heels, dresses, and lingerie. Slowly I started buying heels tights a leather skirt. In 2017 I had my first makeover, and photo shoot at Janets Closet what a rush. Now I have dresses, skirts tops, drawer full of panties, and bras in ever color. Took me a while to come to the conclusion dressing is as much of me as breathing.
Lynda
@lyndajones I love Janet’s Closet! Pass by there almost daily and gaze at the store front 😁
@shawndyglitterfiend Hope to make it back there soon for a makeover and shopping, then off to Adams Apple.
@dannydior301 My view is definitely the climate in the USA is more acceptance. WAY more than when I first started this lifelong phase. Keystone was fantastic. And no one there who was not a crossdresser seemed to have any problems with us taking over the hotel for a few days. I came away with a feeling from the outside world of - do your thing ladies. Even got a sense from some of - “it’s kinda cool.”
Watching any mainstream news today is a zero sum game. It’s always spun one way or the other. It’s never good news. Why depress oneself by watching it? Your life is no different after watching TV or listening to the news. Only your thoughts. If you allow it. Which you don’t have to. It’s your own fault - so blame yourself for buying into media created nonsense. And all of it put together doesn’t affect MY crossdressing one iota. So I avoid all the hand wringing and what-ifs as much as possible.
Since joining CDH my attitude has gotten much stronger in that crossdressing is just one of the coolest things one can do. It’s got everything, the best clothes, opportunities to be the complete opposite of your male self, a little cloak and dagger stealthy spy craft due to the secrecy involved. It takes a special group of people because it’s not the easiest thing one undertakes. I try to stay in the modes of “happy to be one of the girls” and “which dress am I gonna wear?” The rest is just a lot of noise amounting to nothing.
GP
@dannydior301 Gee thanks Danni. You’ve only been on CDH a short time but I can already tell you’re a player. Welcome to the doll house girl. It’s all fun stuff!🥰
@gracepal you all better watch out! I’ve been hiding for over 40 years. You all have opened this door for me and I am ready! This is such a great place with great people. I wasted so much time, now it’s time to catch up. I appreciate you!
xoxo
Danni
@dannydior301 David Cassidy’s last words: “So much wasted time.” We all have a finite amount and we don’t know how much. Cannot waste it…
@gracepal Grace, is not 'lifelong phase' something of an oxymoron? Hopefully you'll answer the questions I've asked elsewhere in this thread.
@chrisfp99 “Lifelong phase” was my way of addressing those who think that crossdressing is just a phase that one goes through until they grow out of it. Lifelong meaning, yeah, that ain’t gonna happen🥰.
Yes, it’s a total oxymoron. An applicable one.
In light of recent court events that we can't mention, I'm beginning to wonder whether what I do is worth the effort or not.
Recent court events in the UK don't mean anything to me, but quitting and purging do. I have never done either one nor do I anticipate having to do so because of my dressing style.
So, instead of dropping out or purging, adapt. If you bend like a willow, then you can't break.
If you absolutely must make a change, change your style. You seem to be concerned (without my knowing specific details), with being clocked. So, don't get caught. Make it so that you become less noticeable. Become more invisible. If women can become less feminine in public, then you can do the same thing. As I have mentioned frequently here, I crossdress 100% in women's clothes nearly 100% of the time. It's just that it is difficult for observers to understand what they are seeing.
Try it a few times. Test the reactions. Are you more comfortable and more confident? Let us know how you feel later.
@rebeccabaxter lately it's been so discouraging .we have lost 20 years of progress. to me the meaning of life is to evolve and all I have seen is the contrary. it's very depressing but all I can say is don't let them win. if you enjoy going out with Becca then F them Ignorant Neanderthals. Do you Be you and Love it. Cheers RC
@rebeccabaxter Hi Becca,
I've taken break from Shreya many times. Not only break but I've also purged my images. I think you can take a break for a while if you feel so. It's natural to feel like these . There's nothing wrong in it. Just do whatever make you feel happy in that moment. Don't think much.
Love ❤️
@shreyushah hi beautiful taking break is ok but then i think about how much i miss it desire it and then wow out buying again. Hot to stop losing money lol so just rent a very small storage unit and mow put all my shoes clothes wigs in there. Then its there when i get that very special feeling. 😍😍
@michellebbb Then i think, you should not stop it. Just taking a break for sometime is okay but don't stop it. If you feel like taking a break then only do it. Otherwise you can continue.
@rebeccabaxter I have this fantasy where I come to Cornwall and walk the streets in drab trying to zero in on where you live Bexter. I’d narrow it down to a few streets and then walk around calling out: “Does anyone know where the crossdresser who likes to walk her dog lives? I’m looking for her. She drives a smart car with pink paw prints on it.” Someone would point me in your direction I’m sure. I’d keep yelling it as I approached your house. Then I picture you inside thinking: “Well, they’ve finally come for me, the pitchfork crowd!” Bastards! As I got closer and you came out to confront me I’d say “Relax Becca, it’s not the Crossdresser Po-lice. It’s your friend Gracie from the states - here to take you to the pub and get you sorted!!!”
But of course - I’d need to go inside your place and get changed first🥰
Gracie Palmer
@gracepal I'm starting to worry for you 😎 . However, if you also shouted out, 'it was a guy with a blue beard', then you'd really home in on me.
@rebeccabaxter I really don’t think anyone in your hood is the least bit surprised that “blue beard guy” is now “dress wearing guy”. If I were your neighbor I’d be curious about the change for sure. But I certainly wouldn’t be shocked by it. In fact I’d probably be thinking…”about time he wised up!”🥰
Rather than take a break from Becca, wouldn’t it make more sense to take a break from watching the news?
@gracepal Yes, I changed to spending some of my time watching The Meidas Touch and Jack Cocchiarella on Youtube, you should try it, you really won't like it, but you should try it.
@rebeccabaxter You’re probably right that I’ll dislike it. But I give everything 15 minutes before I dump it. If it ain’t happening within 15, then it isn’t going to.
Probably the funniest thing I've read all week! If there's ever a GoFundMe or Kickstarter to make this happen, send me a link!
@felicianrb Hey, that’s a good idea Felicia! A “Send Grace over to Cornwall to visit Becca and get her sorted out” - GoFundMe. About as valid as some of the ones I’ve come across in my observations of it. I’d need extra money for a car rental too. No way I’m going to be seen in that “Schmoo-mobile” she calls a car🤣!
GP
No way I’m going to be seen in that “Schmoo-mobile” she calls a car🤣!
Oi, less of that! I love my Schmoo.
If you've read any of my posts, you'll know that I'm generally reluctant to give advice, it's too much like telling someone what to do. And, if they take it and things don't go well, I might get the blame. However, here are a couple of my thoughts, I'll throw them into the air and, if they land and take root, good and well. If they come to nothing, so be it.
I feel there are accusing eyes on me all the time
There probably aren't but if you feel that way, I can see two immediate choices: change how you live or accept that there may be and don't change a thing.
my confidence is shot
Rebuild it. Feel the fear, or whatever, and do it anyway.
I'm becoming quite resentful of the world in general
Only just becoming? Where have you been for the past (-) years?
Personally, I hope you continue to enjoy being Becca, we certainly enjoy reading about your life. I'm also reminded here, of an oft-used invocation that has served me well to date, Don't let the b's get you down!
Allie x
@rebeccabaxter I've taken breaks but they never lasted. The desire in me is much too strong. Unlike you I don't consider this a hobby. It's part of me as much as anything else.
As to recent events I find them distressing as well. It seems more of the world is viewing us in a bad light. All I want to do is be myself and enjoy presenting my female side. The increasing fear of harm from the rest of the world is weighing on me. I can understand both sides but it's not as easy as it once was to have others accept us. Their fears are coloring all of us.
In my time it's gone from fear of discovery and not wanting to be labeled queer and being ostracized by friends and family. To some semblance of acceptance as our movement gained momentum and visibility. To rejection again and even stronger fear.
I went from hiding in the dark, to accepting myself and stepping out into the world only to find the world revolting against me and pushing me back in the shadows. It's unsettling and I'm losing sight of things. I know I'll never transition and I know I'll never cease being me, but the course is cloudy and my steps uneasy.
@rebeccabaxter Becca, I'm somewhat shocked at some of your comments. You live in the UK, where acceptance is much more prevalent. I live in Tucson, Arizona and acceptance is good, but I have to pick where I go.
Some of our sisters who live in the Deep South have a very different set of challenges.
@dovemtn2016 It's not that bad, I tend to over-react sometimes. The UK is pretty good but there are always zealots to be dealt with.
Hello Becca,
I have taken so many breaks, so I think is nothing wrong with it. I am glad you aren’t purging, that would be a mistake in my opinion, get your mind off of whatever is happening now, hopefully you will feel much better soon, best of luck.
@rebeccabaxter I crossdress only in private, and I have had several hiatus during my life, though I have failed to realize exactly why the push to crossdress simply is not there. The longest pasue I think it has been almost 2 years. It always comes back, though and make me happy
Becca, I'm going to start my reply as i sometimes do. Look, I'm no expert but ...
I've seen a handful of girls here describe their dressing as a hobby, and it's always made me curious as to exactly how they feel when they dress. Is it just a bit of fun, a distraction from normal life? What emotions are they experiencing?
I would hazard a guess that for most of us it's a good deal more powerful. A primeval need to present and feel completely feminine. The utter thrill and excitement of the transformation, whether at home or out and about. It's a basic need.
That's certainly how I feel, although as you know I don't get the opportunity to satisfy that need, so I have never experienced the bathroom dilemma, which as you say has been brought into sharper focus recently. Only you can decide the way forward, but I would say it would be a shame to give up something that's given you a lot of pleasure just because of some court ruling.
And of course we all love hearing about your girly exploits and unique take on what we do. Long may that continue I say!
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99 Well said Chrissie. Yes it is a hobby as I do spend a lot of time and energy on it. But is also a need fulfilled. I am not sure I could ever stop.
@chrisfp99 I totally agree. I often use the word "hobby" to describe it because I do not currently have the desire for full-time presentation. But the "primeval need" is there for sure. When the urge hits me, it's not "I really feel like dressing up", it is "I MUST dress sometime soon". It is very interesting to see how we all share the desire, but the manifestation of that feeling is so different in all of us. I think that is why it is so difficult to explain to somebody who is not like us. Nobody understands "I have to do it". Addiction is not the word either. I once told my wife try to stop her body from getting hungry or tired. You can't do it. And we can't stop the feminine side of us clawing her way out. I just recently broke through the doorway and ventured out in public. This has become the ultimate way to experience Danni, but unfortunately is fairly infrequent right now. My worst case scenario is a mirror, a camera and an empty house for a few hours. Not my ideal experience, but at least Danni gets to come out and doesn't get suppressed. If I don't give Danni some airtime once in a while, my mood and overall demeanor are affected. Society be damned, sometimes a girl has to do what she has to do. Just be careful. My main goal is to be happy in life and I cannot do that without Danni.
@chrisfp99 How does crossdressing qualify as a basic need if you rarely or never do it? Honest question. Certainly not a “need”? I mean, you’re living life fine without doing it yes?
@gracepal Grace, there are billions of people in this world who have basic needs that are unfulfilled. I guess mine is a first world problem. Yes, I'm living life fine, but it could be finer. I have made decisions for the benefit of loved ones around me based on my best assessment of the outcome of various scenarios and the risk that the whole foundations of my life may come tumbling down. This all causes a massive hole in my life which leaves me feeling pretty empty and unfulfilled.
Whilst you're on, since you are another who describes your crossdressing as a hobby, how do you feel when you are dressed? How do you feel when you can't dress? Could you give it all up tomorrow? I shall expect some nice compliments on my upcoming makeover pics in a few weeks 😂.
@chrisfp99 Chrissie, these are first world problems for sure. Aren’t we lucky to have them? I’ve pondered often, how much finer could life be at this stage? I really don’t know how it gets any better for me. It’s just down to degrees now. A few more or a few less at times. I am fortunate to be able to enjoy the good things in life. A nice vehicle. A nice house. A juicy steak. An ocean view. The opportunities to dress in female finery. Yes, I view crossdressing in that same category. One of the finer things in life that I do. But how much more tender can a steak be? How much smoother can a car ride? How much more fulfilling can dressing up like a girl be? They all have their limits or reach the point of - “It’s not better, it’s just more.” Let me take a crack at your questions…
I feel good when I’m dressed up to my standards. When I feel like I’ve done a good job of impersonating a woman. I try to look like women that I would want to go have a cup of coffee and flirt with. It does give me a euphoric feeling for a few hours. It’s fun. I love taking pics and modeling dresses. Exhilarated would be a good description of how I feel when dressed.
How do I feel when I cannot dress? That’s a moot point for me as technically, I can dress whenever I please. One of the reasons I’m always up-front about my “hobby” is so that I can do it when the mood strikes. That’s a benchmark for me when it comes to hobbies. Whether it’s playing sports, drawing, listening to music, exercising or crossdressing. It has to be easy and convenient to do. If it isn’t at first, I’ll figure out how to make it so.
That said, I didn’t dress at all from December 2009 until September 2024 when I joined CDH. No emptiness or unfulfillment during that time. I just had my life full of other priorities. I’m also one of those who can quit things cold turkey when I deem it necessary. I did think about crossdressing during that break, but my view was I’ll probably never do that again. I’m too old and ugly. I could never pull it off. The time has come and gone. Then retirement happened in 2020 and suddenly I had the time and the interest again. A newfound determination if you will. I told my wife…”I think Aunt Grace is coming to visit again after all these years!” She says: “What does she need?” “Well for starters, some support pantyhose!!!” I now also have a partner in crime for my hobby that I never had before. And it makes all the difference too.
As fun as it’s been these past 9 months, I know myself -which means I can tend to go overboard in new things. So I’ve been careful to pace myself with dressing now. I get the urge to “get my girl on” about once a week. But it also doesn’t have to happen if I’m not feeling it. It helps to have a variety of distractions to occupy my time and I’m fortunate that I do. I want to keep crossdressing in that extra-special category of my diversions. Because it’s quirky and unique. A small, devoted group of practitioners. It’s not for everyone and to me, that’s a good thing! If I tried doing it every day it would start to become a job and I’m retired. No more jobs for this girl!
I’ll leave it there for right now Chrissie. As always, crossdressing is a fluid pursuit. My attitudes towards it have changed throughout the years and I’m sure that’s not finished yet. Crossdressing ebbs and flows for me. With age comes wisdom I hope. If not wisdom then for sure, a lot of real enjoyment. I don’t know why crossdressing is so much fun. It just is.🥰
GP
@chrisfp99 Yes, Chrissie, yes! That ia me all the way. I wrote to one of our sisters yesterday that I just didn't "want" to be a woman, but i "need" to be a woman.
Chrissie, we can always pick this up on a PM.
I remember being out and about (very discreetly) in the early 80's, when being a gay man was against the law, the law doesn't stop people being who they are or what there preference is....the law makes people's life more difficult, if it was illegal to be a tranny would I stop? No I would say f#ck em and there law!!!
If you give up, you let them win.
Yes, there is more antitrans rhetoric these days and some questionalbe legal rulings, but society as a whole has never been more tolerant. It is the few loud voices that get heard, not the millions who just don't care, or jjst don't bother to think about it. Aside from bathroom issues, which is a debateable point, being out en femme is legal and for the vast majority of people fine.
I had started a thread about just this point recently, and that thread, and others, seem to back up the point that people are generally fine about trans and CD people. The way we overcome the vocal people is by being out so people see us as just normal people who happen to have slight differences to them.
Dear Becca, I understand completely where you are coming from. I also find that there are so many stories and even recent accounts from our lady friends who have purged and have even left this sisterhood. Only to rebuy and return sometime at a later time. Of course feelings and emotions ebb and wain, Court rulings and other pressures all play a part in our day to day decision making. BUT in the main the lifestyle we live and we want to live and how we dress is where we feel the most comfortable. I imagine there may be ways we can sidestep seemingly difficult issues and continue to be the person who we want to be.
Posted with kindness.
Gwen
Becca,
In all probability, people are not looking at you any differently as they did 6 or 12 months ago. Yes, the trans issue is receiving more publicity but try not to let that interfere too much with your enjoyment of being out and about.
And taking a break every so often is very common among CD's. Give it a try and see if you like it.
Ii think that dressing is part of who you are. It's not going away. Ask anyone here. So... take a break if you want. Wear some ugly ass boxer shorts instead of panties for a day or so. We'll be here. Don't let the bastards get you down.
You just might be overworking this. Just relax over the issue. Take a break if that feels like the best thing for you. DO NOT PURGE ! Just put your things away for a while. If or when the mood comes back you can just pick up where you left off.
Dressing can become tiring, especially when the weight of the world feels like its on you. I think its normal to become a little saddened from the pressures. Just let it go and relax.
Remember "this too shall pass".
Thank you all for your support.
I think I have been sulking recently because of the couple of things that dented my confidence.
As several have said in various ways, I doubt people are suddenly looking around for cross-dressers to persecute, indeed, outside the trans/cross-dressing community, I don't suppose that many people know, much less care, about the ruling of a bunch of aged judges in a dusty room somewhere.
Turns out there is at present, no actual law against using any facility you want, regardless of how you present; there are not going to be toilet police prowling about.
Becca is going out to the city tomorrow, she is going to look for new sandals, top up her makeup table, and have a nice lunch in M&S in full view of everyone in the shopping centre and **** 'em all!
Hugs, and huge thanks,
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Glad to hear it Becca. I mean on top of everything else, and as you have alluded to as well, how on earth would they police the court decision? xx.
The Devil will be in the detail Becca. There's a lot being said but what will be the actual result and how the hell will they implement it? make every woman I.D themselves before entering a loo?
No I won't give up or take a protracted break, like you there is much invested and i will not let the side down. It's taken me years to get here and I am not going back. My friends are my allies and support me so I will keep calm and carry on....
@ab123 This very minute, I have been looking at the literature associated with all this. As it stands, for now, use of facilities depends on how the user is 'perceived'. Unless you are obviously a man in women's spaces or a woman in men's spaces, there is nothing that can legally be done, and probably not even then since the ruling puts the onus on the service provider to provide the correct facilities for all that wish to use them. It is not now, nor has it ever been, illegal to use the facilities of the other sex, it is merely a social more that has become a little blurred by the rise of the transgender community.
What it boils down to, is that if you look enough like a woman (and I'm NOT saying you have to 'pass' here), then so long as no one objects (and you still have rights if they do), you can carry on using the facility.
Regarding your comment about ID. There is no requirement for any person to carry sexual identification ID and as such there is no way to definitively determine the sex of a person except by genital examination; and not even then if a trans person has had the requisite surgery.
I can't see anyone demanding to see your 'parts' on entry to a loo—although many years ago in a gents toilets in Camden Town, a man tried to do exactly that to me...
...There was a line of about twenty urinals and no one was in the toilets when I went in. I stood somewhere in the middle and was about to start my ablutions when a man walked in to the toilets, came right up to the urinal next to me and stared over the top—oddly enough, I was unable to continue and decided I could hold on for a while, rapidly exiting the conveniences. Somehow, I doubt he was just checking my gender .
Not much to add here, Becca, but just one more voice in support!
I do recognize that there are days where you don't feel like fighting the world, and that's OK. Take your time and that spirit will come back, and perhaps you'll decide to take on one person at a time. At least, that's how it works for me 🙂 Best of luck, always!
Well, to complete this thread, I can tell you that I went out as full-Becca today with my wife, we went shopping (well, you've got to haven't you). Our first port of call was Next where my wife bought a new top. We took it to the children's department to pay for it, as there is never a queue there during school hours, and spent perhaps ten minutes talking to the lone shop assistant there. She was friendly, made eye contact and talked to us both equally; it was a delight.
After that, we took a parcel to a shop to be sent via UPS, thence to Deichman shoes where I bought a pair of Grecian sandals and a pair of Fila sliders (in purple). Back to the mall area and a conversation with a young girl in Claires, a costume jewellery shop, where we talked about earrings and theatre visits. She didn't like the theatre because she was quite sensitive to sudden noises and crowds. I told her that the theatre in Plymouth sometimes has 'relaxed' performances for those sensitive people wherein the house lights don't go down, the music is quieter and there are no loud bangs; it wouldn't do for me but she seemed quite keen and thanked us for the information.
Coffee in the outside area (photo on my public photos), then home via Tesco to get burgers for a home BBQ.
A delightful day and I can say, despite everything in my previous posts, Becca is back again!
Thank you all for your support.
Becca
The doubts never last long Becca. Earlier I was referring to all women, perhaps even men having to queue and provide evidence of biological sex. Today another diatribe in the press but looking at the small print where the minister said all trans banned it was not going to be policed so infers the status quo we have now is what it will be but feel for those in the civil service though.
I imaging being trans and worked for years and no one knew. What now? Would they then have to 'out' themselves to their long standing co workers who have never known as they have to use the 'alternative' facilities. I think not!
