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In a number of posts by various ladies mention has been made of “baby steps.”
Circumstances have given me the opportunity to dress at my apartment during the last week. Never have I had this much freedom to learn about myself. It has been so enlightening.
I have never considered myself a crossdresser because in my heart for my lifetime (since 5 years old) I sensed an extremely overpowering draw to the feminine. I have always wanted to be girl; now woman. My soul passion was to simply be the-girl-next-door. So crossdressing, what little I did it, always left me empty, let down, etc. since in my mind I was just a “male in a dress.” Also many times the dressing had a strong erotic element which left me wondering if it was a fetish or perversion.
But this experience is vastly different. I dressed, sans any eroticism at all. It seems my mind shifted. I was not male me in woman’s clothes (my wife’s. She has much that fit me very well). At this time I am a woman. I have spent my time around the apartment doing chores and work as a woman. I chatted on line with two different very gracious assistants, identifying myself as a trans-woman, at Bare Necesities about purchasing the right bra for my size. I had no shame or embsrrassment. My mind was totally in woman mode; what was there to be embarrassed about? We were simply two women discussing appropriate lingerie. I believe I was experiencing me “in real”, though to be sure this was a very controlled environment.
Being controlled notwithstanding I went from feeling guilty and ashamed to feeling at peace, in harmony, very much in total person alignment. This is all in spite of my strong Christian faith with which I have always battled.
My faith is still there. I don’t see me ever abandoning it or my practice of it, but somehow I seem to be in harmony with it and it with me as the woman I believe I am.
The opportunity to give expression to my self through dressing will soon be ending. That brings sadness to be sure and not because I can not dress, but because I can not freely be authentic.
Though I have never seriously believed I could ever live authentically, now I am not so convinced. I have thoroughly been blessed by expressing my femme self. I am finding in my heart I truly want to continue that blessing, but I want even more so to grow it to greater degree.
What I would really love to do, if it is even possible, is to be a blessing to others as Charrie. I believe I could be if I could successfully and properly navigate transition. Or perhaps I will find that is possible without being Charrie full time. Dressing has taken on new meaning for me. Prior I would dress (albeit rarely) to create the illusion of a woman person. There has been a paradigm shift it seems. I have been dressing these last few days as a means of expressing the woman I have always known myself to be.
My question is for many of you further along than myself, are these the “baby steps” referred to? Am I reading more into this than I ought or truly can I look at this as a precious gift and be joyful over the progress toward a growing understanding and eventually public revelation of my inner femme self?
Thank you all for being here to help and encourage each of us in our journey to authentic self revelation.
Hugs,
Charrie
It is great that you have had the opportunity to explore your feminity. In my experience it is impossible to understand what it all means without actually exploring it.
Before I accepted my femme side I had so many questions about my sexuality, gender identity... Since accepting my femme side and coming out to my wife things seem to have fallen into place, although it is still a work in progress.
It certainly is a process of baby steps and I feel that an important step is being out, at least to those nearest and dearest. Humans are social creatures and it is at least in part how we interact with others that define us. Also, being in the closet brings the risk of being discovered which can be a form of a thrill and adrenaline rush that can cloud the actual reasons and need to dress.
I wish you all the best as you figure things out.
DeLora.
Hi DeLoran, Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
These especially helped
"In my experience it is impossible to understand what it all means without actually exploring it.
Before I accepted my femme side I had so many questions about my sexuality, gender identity… Since accepting my femme side and coming out to my wife things seem to have fallen into place, although it is still a work in progress."
I so have to agree with you. Without this recent opportunity to explore being me I had no understanding of how much my femme side is me. I had always viewed it as bad, almost like a disease, that was part of me which I had to endure / suffer with, yet paradoxically I loved and didn't really want to give up.
But now I see more clearly than before than this is not part of me, this is me. I can't be a whole individual without my femme me. I am learning I don't have to endure my womanhood. To live life to my fullest I ought to develop myself as a woman meld myself with my male side which my wife needs and in this unique melding enjoy my womanhood.
And perhaps should I successfully invite my wife to grow with me as Charrie she might enjoy her thus allowing us both to grow together. Perhaps that is akin to your experiencing with your wife "things falling together."
But that progress could have never been, yeah has never been achieved with my previous unenlightened way of managing my femme heart.
I am looking forward to where the next baby, perhaps toddler, steps will take me.
Roxanne,
It is only "your" fear that stops you from walking out the door. Think about it, What would really happen if you stepped out into your backyard en femme? What would happen if you walked around the block one evening en femme? Probably Nothing at all !! Nobody would notice...And if someone did notice, What would happen?? Again, probably nothing. It is your own fear of the unknown, of something unfamiliar, of something you and everyone else has been programed to believe is wrong. But, you know it's not wrong, your a better person than the shallow minded people you fear will see you. And, I am willing to bet, that those people you fear would not give you the time of day, dressed or not. So, don't you see, nothing is stopping you but yourself and when you finally begin living the life you want, you'll ask yourself, why did I make this so hard on myself!!
I never wanted to be a girl. I wanted to dress and look like a girl for as long as I could remember. I began wearing pantyhose and heels at 4. Since then when I looked at women I wanted to wear what thy were wearing and look like them.
I would look in department store catalogues and magazines. I would see all the pretty girls in their pantyhose, stockings, garters, lingerie, pretty dresses, bras and panties. I wanted all those things. It took until I was 18 and had my own place to gather up all those things and wear them. it was total bliss.
Then going out dressed I found to be scary with a lot of chickening out. Eventually I did it in little steps then bigger steps until I was out fully among lots of people. It was many dreams and fantasies come true but it took a long time. Lots of baby steps.
????????
Charlene, the 'baby-steps' I refer to are the little triumph's we have on our journey to become who we are. When my sister dressed me at 5, the other girls in her Barbie club accepted me, no problems. But as I felt like I should have been a girl, I continued to dress in secret after the girls moved on with life. When I added dressing and going out in the backyard together, I achieved something. Over time I kept adding new things to go with my dressing and how I felt. Walking around the block led to riding my bike dressed, which led to going further from the safety of our house. I found most people didn't care or maybe I didn't look much like the other boys.
But each adventure added to how I viewed and felt about myself as a girl, then as a woman. But it was all done in small stages. The neighborhood walks started with just going out to the end of the driveway, and when nothing dire happened, the end of the block was next, and so on.
With each of my own small advancements came more and more things to help me look and feel like a girl, letting my hair grow a bit longer than the other boys, learning to make pony tails or wearing barrettes in my hair, walking in my sisters heels without breaking my ankle.
Each step you take helps you become more comfortable in your own skin. Sometimes, there is some back pedaling, but after that settles, you start again to move forward and accomplish more in your life and find who you are and were meant to be.
I hope this makes some sense.
PaulaF
Roxanne,
Honey, The past is the past, you must not hold on to past anger and/or resentments because it only hurts you. If I held on to my negative past experiences, I'd be nothing more than one big ball of shit!! I've been beaten down, raped, sodomized and left for dead, and I look for the positive in people everyday. We must learn from our past experiences and move in a forward direction and not get bogged down in self pity!!! And, as Samantha said, we are all here to help you but you must first let us know what your feeling.
