Guilty feelings

Hello Sara. I know exactly how you feel.  I believe the guilt just comes with the territory of living in the shadows.  I too have purged my wardrobe many times and have lived to regret it.  I decided a year ago to just embrace this side of me and just enjoy.  One thing that I have learned is that it is not going to go away.  Just relax and go with the flow.

Hi Sara, I'm the same. I get a nice little wardrobe together and then after a few months the guilty thoughts seep in. "What if she found out?","What if the girls at work found out?" and in the bin go my lovely clothes. I havn't dressed since before the lockdown (I'm in the UK) but I've found CDH so I think it'll help. What I've seen so far is that we're not alone. Louise.

Hi Sarah. I completely understand how you feel. Having to hide can take a toll, that I know. Like many on here I have purged and regretted it. I mainly did it out of guilt and like you I didn't like the feeling. I have come to the realization that I might have the guilt but I felt even worse denying who I was and what made me happy.  My mental state and mood were way down and I didn't have the joy in life I should. I rationalized that what I was doing hurt no one as I was not projecting it on others. I view it as something I needed to do for me. The guilt was still there (basically from not being able to share who I was with others and had to hide it) but to me it was better than setting an unrealistic goal of not dressing and not allowing myself to be whole. As selfish as that may sound, it is very much a part of me and if I compromise and not dress around you then why shouldn't I do something that makes me feel better.  "To thine own self be true"

Maria

Hi Sara.I used to be full of those guiity feelings before my wife became cool about my crossdressing.For three years my wife used to spend every weekend at her mother's house.She looked after her elderly mother for three years until she passed away.Sometimes I would go with her most of the time I stayed in the house alone.This afforded me the opportunity to be Roberta for a whole weekend.Like you I had an enjoyable time but when the weekend was over,the guilt would set in.One of the worst feelings was putting all the clothes back in the closet.I used to cover my traces makimg sure I didn't leave any clothes around.Prior to that when there were whole months since I had dressed I would take a couple of days off work in the middle of the week in order to dress when my wife was at work.The night before going back to work the guilt would consume me.Guilty because I had been going behind my wife's back.using up to much of my annual leave allowance and spent too much money.Now she is okay about Roberta and let's me dress in front of her every day I have no such guilt.I have entirely embraced who I am and feel great about it.

Ok so from what I have realised over the years is our life is like a rollercoaster.

Think of it like this your low point is your longest time dressed in boring male cloths

The peak of the track is where your dressed in pretty feminine clothes

So when you dress say once a week the climb and fall you get are gradual bumps, little time to feel gilt, little time to feel frustration of not dressing leaving you feeling calm and happy.

Now when you have to go long periods without dressing or chose to,

The Climb to the peak is very steep and constant, the peak seems so far away and you have time to feel the feelings you are feeling but as we all know you will get to the peak and dress, So now you get dressed you feel wonderful, you have your time dressing without a care in the world like you did whilst dressing every week.

only now instead of the gradual dip you find yourself on the peak of what seems like the biggest roller-coaster drop ever made, your now on the way down from this with the guilt amplified from a gradual niggle in the back of your mind to a full blown frantic guilt trip. In this state the period of none dressing will most likely be lengthened by choice as well as circumstance and the pleasant ride you once felt dressing weekly has now turned into the roller coaster from hell.

Your only way out of this feeling is to get over the feeling of guilt and realise you cant do anything about it or figure out how to dress more frequently.

Not much help in the short term but may help you on your way

Claire x

When we were first married I felt guilty but came to the realization that dressing was fulfilling the need to express my girl side. Those guilty feelings are long gone and I dress as often as I can. It is what is best for me.

To clarify regarding your wife. Does she know about the crossdressing? Has there been a talk about when you can do it (ie. she's out of the house for 3 hours)? Is she aware of the frustration it's causing you?

My wife and I had an agreement to not do it when the kids are ok or she is home. That was pre pandemic. Similarly I became increasingly frustrated. We just have a plan now that we have a time I can dress set ahead of time. She doesn't leave her office during that time while at home (about 1 hour time frame) unless she notifies me in which case's I'll go somewhere private for the moment. This is how we get around it. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Its sucks.

When I was younger and back in the days when crossdressing wasn't accepted very well by other people,

I always felt guilty and purged many times. It wasn't until I got my first PC,  connected with the internet and stated learning why I was a cross-dresser and that my need to dress would never go away that I learned to accept my need to cross-dress.  Today, now having accepted, I've learned to embarrass my feminine side, and I'm much happier for doing so.

Most accepting spouses knows that the dressing is important to our peace of mind. To not dress brings stress and strife. You say your wife does not approve which means she knows (but would rather not know). A conversation is out of the question, but if one does take place, you can tell her that your fights/arguments are because you were agitated and not able to dress. Dressing gives you peace and the 2 days you were able to do it were great days (and I assume no fights). You can emphasize that dressing is a stress buster or something like that.

Jeez, I don’t know. I can’t decide what’s more frustrating, have a spouse that knows but isn’t really encouraging or keeping it a secret.

Obviously deceiving your SO is far worse (and the stress of secrets can manifest badly in multiple ways), but in my opinion there’s got to be some compromise where you both can be satisfied?

As far as feeling guilty, if you truly feel you’re doing nothing wrong and you haven’t kept it a secret AND respected her wishes to keep it to yourself, I say  “Sara, there isn’t a single thing to be guilty about.”

Are you sure it’s guilt? Trying to put myself in your shoes (heels?) and all I’d feel is resentment and dissatisfaction. Just my opinion. But I sure hope you both can find a solution. Rei

I don’t feel guilty about dressing, because I can’t see anything wrong with it, but I fear that other people would, so I’ve hidden it for 30 years of marriage. The guilt is from keeping it a secret. I shouldn’t keep such a big secret from the one I love but the fear of disapproval is too great so I agreed with myself a long time ago to keep it to a minimum (2 or 3 times a year) which means I feel guilty less often. I wait until I can get a good few hours, so it is worth the wait.
In between times, life is great, but I could never give it up for good. My fear is, that a disapproving wife would spoil the enjoyment. Not worth the risk.

Unlike alot of crossdressers, I didn't start till my 30's, though I did have an occasional thought in dealing with girl's panties during my youth. But to be honest, I do have some guilt alot times because I crossdress. But what I do in private is experimental and is also all part of figuring myself out.

Oh. No, no, no, never purge. if you are feeling guilty store your clothes somewhere. If after a while you lose the urge to dress then donate them. Most likely you won't and they will be there when you are ready to wear them again.

Hi Sara,

From my very limited point of view, you are right... it's not likely to go away, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am just now finishing what I think is a worthwhile book which discusses similar issues faced by CDs and their SOs. You might find some comfort and useful advice in it  "Living with Crossdressing - Defining a New Normal" by Savannah Hauk.
I wish you comfort, clarity, and understanding; for you and your spouse.