Have you seen a therapist?

Its always interesting to me which threads trigger robust discussion.

Firstly, I am sorry you're struggling with your gender identity Kerri. I think most, if not all, of the transwomen/non-binary individuals part of this community can deeply empathize with your struggles.

I am a big advocate of therapy in general and I have a therapist I meet to talk about my "man" issues. He does not know about my gender fluidity and I'm not ready to have that conversation with him, and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I have also considered seeing a therapist specifically about presenting as a woman in part or in full. I have the added complication of being bi and I am dating a man I see only when I present as a woman so I'm sure some therapy could help. I am fairly comfortable with where I am but I still have so many questions.

One of the big one's for me was/is "why do I feel so compelled to dress up and present in part of in full as a woman?" Maybe it has something to do with my childhood or upbringing but I really cant say and dont know.

I have moved beyond asking that question specifically about me though and posed it to all people - why would anyone want to present as a woman, when doing so is a lot of time, money, and effort? For cis gender women there is a society expectation for them to wear makeup, heels, dresses, lingerie, nylons, have long hair, etc (or all the things many of us love so much). But in modern society, women have more latitude to wear pants or present themselves in ways that are gender neutral and sometimes "masculine" without the societal reaction men get when presenting themselves as women.

For me, this speaks to the power of masculinity, especially toxic masculinity. It is such a narrow and rigid box and men that do not conform are judged harshly and sometimes even experience dehumanization and violence for even the slightest expression of femininity. The irony is that all humans possess both masculine and feminine traits. Denying that reality is denying the very complexities that make us human. Some people feel more comfortable expressing their femininity over their masculinity and vice versa. This often corresponds with cis gender at birth but not always, and we are living examples of when the match between gender assigned at birth doesnt totally align with preferred gender presentation. I think there is a bit of randomness to this - just like some people prefer staying up late and others prefer getting up early. My point is here is that there is nothing "natural" or "inherent" about wearing make up or dresses. These are societal conventions attached to our understandings of femininity and masculinity.

I dont know what early childhood experience led me to want to present in part or fully as a woman. I do know that I enjoy presenting as a woman for lots of different reasons. 1) I love how the women's clothes (especially nylons, slips, silk, and lace) feel on my body. There isnt really any comparable clothing to lacy lingerie and nylons for men. 2) There is a sexy, sensual, stylish feeling women's clothes give me that men's clothes cannot. Men's clothes are meant to be functional, comfortable, and utilitarian. There is nothing functional about 4 inch heels but wow do they make me feel feminine and sexy. 3) Presenting as a woman allows me to channel, embrace, and celebrate my inner femininity instead if suppressing and hiding it. It sucks to hide important parts of ourselves. I think this explains why I enjoy going out in public presenting as a woman. I dont just "dress up" when I present as a woman (one of the reasons I dont use "cross dress" to describe what I do or who I am). My mannerisms, my voice, the way I walk, and even who I am attracted to change when I become Deanna. Also femininity has some real advantages. I like talking about my emotions. I want to cry when I feel sad. I like shopping for cute outfits. Ok, maybe the last one isnt healthier but it sure is fun!

I think its human to want to express our full selves, including our feminine sides. Perhaps the better question is, why are human constructs of masculinity so narrow, rigid and toxic that men who want to embrace their feminine selves or present as a woman in any way are shamed into thinking something is wrong with them? This problem says far more about societal understandings of what it means to be a "man" than it does about any of us.

One therapist told me privately that my crossdressing was not the issue in the marriage even though my then wife harped on it.  He said the issue was control; my crossdressing was the one thing she felt she could not control in the relationship. My ex once told me that what bothered her was, "You look better in sexy little nothings than I do."  Which was true.  Either way, I guess I was vindicated some how or other. I still don't understand her, but then I quit trying to a long time ago.

In addition to the brief couples counseling, I discussed in another comment on this string, I saw a therapist individually for several years. She helped me come to terms with so many issues and made my life immensely happier. (Side note: I'm quite sure I would not have been comfortable discussing intimate and sometimes embarrassing things with a male therapist.)

I talked about my early sexualized experiences "playing doctor" and how that impacted me, as well as how the loss of that relationship transitioned into crossdressing. The playing doctor phase also influenced my desires for a dominant/submissive sexual relationship. In discussing that, I guess I was a little unclear as she asked me if being dressed as a female brought out the dominant side of my desires, implying that I needed/wanted to be dressed to feel dominant. In context, it was an insightful question, but my reaction was to laugh because it was not how I felt.

I stopped seeing her a few years back and writing this reminds me that I need to thank her for how she helped me enjoy a better life.

When I was a freshman in college I went to a therapist at the university once a week for a year to try to understand this part of me and hopefully be cured.  I never got anything from my once a week sessions and when the year was over which was all the university would cover the therapist said I should find a private therapist to see.  I asked him then if he thought that continuing on would result in eliminating my need and desire to crossdress.  He said yes but since a year with him did not move the needle I was skeptical and could not afford it in any case.

Many years later I believe the best one can hope for from therapy concerning gender issues is learning self acceptance and getting help with navigating our relationships with those we love and want to be open with.

Hugs,

Michelle

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I think learning to accept yourself for who you are is, or should be, the goal of therapy. We are who we are, no doubt for many different reasons, but ultimately we just need to understand that being who we are is fine.

As I said earlier, the best thing I have ever done was to just accept the fact that I like to dress en femme.

While it is not a direct correlation, gay conversion therapy has been shown time and again to be horrible, so to should trying to change a desire to dress as long as it is not causing problems, which it rarely does even though we tend to think so.

Your penultimate paragraph captures my feelings regarding female clothing, why it attracts me and how it makes me feel.

Maybe the beginning is......

Nothing wrong if we are or could be croossdressers, gays, bisexual, sissies, travestis, transexual or whatever life brings to us.

We must rub what the traditional culture told us and live...

And aftewards let´s see what happens with our relationships and how we can manage them. Difficult question but impossible from my point of view without the `previous step.

Kisses sisters

Counseling/therapy absolutely has helped me.
I abused alcohol,and started counseling for that.

I came to recognize so much of the reason I drank was my shame of crossdressing.
What I viewed then as more shameful than presenting as a drunk. Nobody would notice I'm drinking too much,right ?

Both alcohol and dressing were escapes, but now I don't feel shame about dressing.

She (having a woman for counseling was essential for me) was the first person, besides my wife and a counselor who brought me back from a TBI, to know.

April will be five years sober.I've shared my story with several gg friends. It's been incredible to see they were friends with the me they knew and that friendship hasn't changed. In many cases it's an even deeper friendship ("Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this.That means so much to me")
I don't go out with anything more than lipstick, mascara and earrings. Not even that in our small town. Only started that post COVID, but I'm more and more self assured.

You mentioned other obstacles, but don't let uncertainty about getting counseling be something that holds you back.

Most importantly, I don't hide from myself anymore.

As one of the nurses who now knows said, "Embrace it and enjoy it". I have.

I don't believe any of this could have happened without counseling.

Yes. Had to sort through a few but best thing I’ve done. Make sure your therapist doesn’t “tell you what to do”. You want one that helps guide you. Asks thought probing questions to get you where you need to.