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Often there are reminders around us, especially those of us who long deeply for womanhood, which shout loudly to our inner woman, "you can't do that, because. . . Well, because you don't appear to be a woman.
And undoubtedly, biologically I am male. Therein my personhood (not gender) is set, replete with its own set of cultural and social norms and expectation.
I share an office space with 3 others; another man and 2 women. I usually arrive early as does one of the young women.
Yesterday, diligently I begin working, back to my office mate when I hear, scritch, scritch, scratch, swiiiish, hmmm and such sounds. Immediately my femme mindset set in. I knew instinctively what she was doing and I was sullened. To confirm my instinct, I turned to see. Yes, I was correct; she was using a nail block to manicure her nails. (For this story I will let the the fact that she was on the clock be overlooked.)
Now, knowing the truth I was not only sullen but sad. My male me makes it totally inappropriate to sit at my desk and do something so patently feminine, even if I was off the clock.
Incidents as this one are so insignicant to the general male population, but oh so harshly do they remind me [us] what is mine [ours] and yet not.
To be sure, not mine only because I choose to be a non transitioning trans-woman. Thus this is not a complaint. Such is my lot by choice, nevertheless the hurt and sadness deep within are real.
Sigh,
Kindly, and thank you for hearing me.
Charlene
Charlene I feel your pain of knowing who and what I am and being in a situation that will never permit me to move forward with it. I used to work in an office setting where the women dressed nice and professional and to see them made up and dressed always made me feel slightly empty. Even though I was friends with several of the ladies and associated with them on their breaks, I was still an outsider in a world that belonged to those ladies. I have accepted my fate and learned to live with it and wish you the best in finding your peace with your own life and tribulations.
🍷C
Carolyne, dear sister on 2 levels, thank you for your understanding. You have always been so supportive, empathetic, and kind.
"Empty, outsider, accepted my fate"; all the right words to describe what I have experienced; to be sure what we have experienced together yet being separate. (And sadly I am sure many others here also are part of our group)
Hugs dear sister,
Charrie
I agree Jillian. As I noted in my post, (For this story I will let the the fact that she was on the clock be overlooked.) though work time as her personal time is an issue, it was her freedom to carry out this bit of feminine care openly that created the emotional response that I experienced. Ha, had she done anything else that would not have so elicited so much pink fog, I no doubt would have matched your thoughts.
Hugs.
Charrie
Hi Lisa, please make no mistake, there is nothing wrong with a male manocuring his nails. I love working mine up with a nail block to a beautiful shine before I apply clear coat. The preparation part of the painting process really helps immerse me in a more fully feminine mindset. However I do so in private. But to do my nails freely in an open office environment has a higher cost than I am willing to pay at this time.
Hugs,
Charlene.
Hi Charlene....
As I am lucky enough to get out and about, I do find it a case of " swings and roundabouts"....
At work, in drab, i do come across instances where the girls i work with will stop to adjust a scruchie, or brush their hair. Touch up make-up or add a spritz of perfume. Frustrating, yes, but I do know my time will come....
because i have done all these things too, when grace is in town....and due to the instances at work, maybe I enjoy it even more....lucky me.
Grace x
Wow Charlene. You have me really thinking about this. As I'm thinking about my work life your experience has come up several times. Until now I didn't realize that I pick up on the little things that the GG employees do such as just having a bottle of fingernail polish sitting on their desk.
❤ Tonya
Being who we are with the desires we feel every day its no wonder little triggers set us off on short journeys of wishful and jealous thinking. No choice but to shove that feeling back down inside and present a blank face to the world. Its a CD life.
If you want to file your nails at work then just do it like its a normal thing. Little feminine acts like this probably won't be noticed by anyone but first you have to feel comfortable with it.
I know that feeling Charlene.
How such little innocuous feminine action will bring on such intense sadness and melancholy.
As Michelle said previously, if it helps, just file ykur nails. I started to incorporate, little things like that into my day to day life and it helps.
Sharing with tbe girls here helps too. Just knowing that others have similar experiences eases my own discomfort.
Hugs, Jillian
I was at the airport recently and there was a woman sitting all alone. She was in her seat near the entrance, so she was impossible to miss.
She sat there in a short skirt, with nylons, high heels. Very sexy, even to a gay guy like me.
The whole time, as she sat with one leg over her knee (the way women often do), she bounced her leg and sort of twirled her shoe on/off her foot. Very suggestive, very sexy.
I had that exact feeling you describe above. I would love to do that publicly. Something so minor, yet distinctly feminine out in public, something to which she probably gave little thought. (Although honestly, I think she like most women often do, was deliberately seeking attention.)
Hi Jenny, very apropos example. I am sure there are hundreds of others that in one way or the other trigger we who are CDers / trans. What really adds "insult to injury" is how nonchalant, innocently, as a matter of fact a woman can go about the activity. "I can do this because this is what girls do." [Not all girls; I can't, not without major disturbances]
You commented; I would love to do that publicly. Something so minor, yet distinctly feminine out in public, something to which she probably gave little thought. (Although honestly, I think she like most women often do, was deliberately seeking attention.)
Sigh - Ah, yes. So true. One of the privileges of womanhood that we are denied. Again . . . sigh. . . .
Charlene I understand completely. Seeing a women do simple feminine things in public and knowing I can't used to make me melancholy at times. However, when I can I try to be as feminine as I can and that makes me happy. So to that end I have been studying female mannerisms for a while now and practicing them when ever I can. So when I feel the time is right I can go dressed in public and blend. The funny thing is, at times, I find myself acting girlish without thinking about it (the practice is starting to take). I've done this in public and in front of my wife (who I haven't told that I am dressing again) and of course I am in drab mode. Some times I catch myself and say to myself dial it back. It makes me wonder how many times I've acted feminine and not realized it. LOL Oh well, this is me now and I'm not going to stop.
Hugs, Liara
Same here Lisa I don't give s**t what colleagues think of that.
Hi, Charlene,
There are so many of those little things, GG's can do which we cant always,
However I find I have incorporated a lot of them, in my day, without really thinking about them,
While I wouldn't dare a nail block at work, I do clean and file my nails, while having lunch at my desk, the touching up of my lipstick, every time I use the washroom, sitting with my legs crossed, either at the knee, or ankles, bouncing my foot, while crossed at the knee, always,
The little things that we all do to be feminine, comfort so, and while they may be picked up on by others, in my experience, are never commented on.
We have to take the lows, along with the highs, and just live our lives for ourselves.
Hugs, Regi👸💕
