I don't know what's next for Carmen and at some crossroad

Right! Well. Carmen, I have been sort of watching you for the past year on another site. I have always felt that your feminine persona is a sexy lady. Otherwise your story is so normal it is a bit repetitive to the point that I was doubtful whether I should respond. You, however, are sweet enough that I care a bit about your quandary.

You wrote:

"Does crossdressing lead to these feelings emerging??????  Do I tell people I’m actually a dude when they hit on me?  Interestingly, I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who is looking for a trans mtf or a crossdresser.  I know, it’s weird, but I could see myself having fun with a man who thinks I’m a woman through and through… so there’s another dilemma."

It's what led to cross-dressing that is leading to these feelings. I feel it very probable that there was something that was always a part of you that has only recently been permitted to develop. It's what motivated you to express femininity in the first place and to desire to bedizen yourself and behave accordingly. This has brought you to a juncture that most cross-dressers envy. Whether to express your femininity in a sexual identity or not? Your own attraction to your own femininity compounded by male approval and confirmation motivate you to take the matter to a more intimate level. But that's just being sexual. It's not any particular male (yet) that is at issue. It is the usually womanly concerns as to how you will be treated; an issue of trust. I suspect that a caring gentleman could sweep you off of your feet. You are looking for a man who is looking for a woman; of either sex. You would probably also appreciate a male  who sought a feminine male who also wishes to be a woman.

I do not know if I would actually use the term 'dude' but if it is not an issue then it is none of their business. If it becomes an issue then it should be upfront as soon as possible and in a safe setting.

So. Is there someone in particular?

Araminta.

Hi Carmen!

I read this post.... Went and looked at your photos. Wow! Gorgeous! I read your profile. So I am going to give my opinion.... I think your diving in just to see if you can pass was a subconscious excuse to convince your high achieving male self that there was no gender based or sexual based reason. Just gotta see if I can do it ...  Just gotta see if I can pass.... Gotta do it right and do it well..... Gotta work so hard to get things perfect......

Lots to concentrate on while keeping other things repressed. Wouldn't want to allow one's self to admit there was a deeper reason or a hidden desire. It was just to excel. I think if passing was truly your only goal, you wouldn't be crossdressing every day. Passing was obviously proven a while ago.

I think you have finally "scratched the surface" of what lies beneath. Your just not sure how you feel about that when you view these feelings, thoughts, and ideas through your high achieving "manly" lenses.

Put the manly lenses aside. You are you no matter what you do. Explore and experience what ever you find interesting. You will find what feels right and what doesn't. The discovery will be thrilling

Hugs,

Autumn

Hi Araminta,

Bedizen. What a great word. Yes I had to look it up. You are always helping me imorove my vocabulary. Where were you when I was in 7th grade despising my English teacher? 😉

Hugs,

Autumn

Araminta!  Yes, you've been with me since the very beginning.  My very first post in fact.  So, thank you always for your kindness and responses.  I put out a different vibe on the other site, it's just a "show" if you will.  I signed up here for the real stuff, the real friendship and connection with other crossdressers.

I agree with what you say.  It's just the beginning of a process however for me, so there is no particular person in mind.  Part of this post was really about acknowledging that I'm starting to think in directions I'm not accustomed to.  I've been asked for my number more times than I can even count, but you know how many I've given out?  ZERO.  It's a feeling of such disconnect.  I don't even know what "type" of man I'd be attracted to, yet I know what turns me off (most lol).

I guess I'm afraid of unknown, especially knowing my personality type!  I'm somewhat afraid that if I let myself go down that path, it'll hook me in like all my other interests, and where would that lead?  More men?  (I'm not a prude, and I'm very sex positive, but STILL).

With women, I'm giving.  That includes sexually.  My pleasure comes from giving my partner pleasure, and we all know what that means when it comes to pleasing a women.  It goes above my own because that's what I enjoy most.  I have a sense that THAT is how I'd be with a man.  Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm talking about this lol... but there it is.

I'm starting to think about my own basic needs, but Carmen is almost running that show... as a woman.  I haven't dated this entire year, and been focused entirely on myself.  I definitely don't regret it, as dating (as Carmen) would have made the entire exploration different, more complex, and not something I wanted to expend energy on... but now, a year later, here I am (for lack of a better word... horny).

As Carmen however, there is a power, a sexual power that I now hold.  It was different as a man, even though I never had any issues in that department either as a guy.  Simple.  LMAO.

Sorry, my reply is probably all over the place and a bit disorganized.  But in my professional life... I manage projects and my team operates under one premise... with organization, comes disorganization. That's currently the stage I'm at... pulling all my thoughts apart, before assembling them back together for greater clarity.

Thank you Autumn for your wonderful response.  I responded in the post with Araminta, but didn't want you to feel I was ignoring you... 🙂

Carmen,

I am one of those type A males (or use to be)  that try to always get things perfect. So in cross dressing I want to be as feminine as possible. I have studied female mannerisms and practice sounding female. I am getting decent at it and it seems the more I do this the more feminine I am becoming. I have also noticed that I am not letting go of my feminine side when I go back to drab. It's like I have let the genie out of the bottle and to tell the truth I am not upset with it, in fact I really love being feminine.

I have always loved women and wanted to be with them. I have never thought I was gay and never thought about being with a man, but lately I have. To be treated as a lady from a kind and sweet man sounds appealing to me now (maybe I'm Bi and never really new it). I haven't ventured out, unlike you, so I don't know if any guys would be attracted to me, but I would like to think so.

Anyway what I'm trying to say Hon, is that your are not alone in this different but wonderful life style we chose to explore.

Hugs, Liara

YES, we are very similar in that regard.  I've studied everything about it, INCLUDING facial bone structure (male vs. female skulls) lol.  I set them side by side on my computer screen and try to find all the differences so I can apply makeup in a way that works with bone structure vs. standard makeup application.  I've tested so many variances and know that a 1mm move in either direction with my lashes or brows or eyeshadow can make that feminine "marker" turn male.  NONE of that is ever shown on YouTube videos.  LOL.

I'm so grateful for all you here.  I definitely am feeling better, knowing I'm not alone and these new feelings are relatively common.

As far as venturing out... Araminta knows... I pretty much forced myself to go out in public, dressed in a way that would force people to look at me and make that instant identification whether I was male or female.  It wasn't about hiding or blending in for me... it was about forcing the issue so I can make adjustments towards feminine as fast as humanly possible.  It literally took less than a week from the first day I tried putting on eyeliner and lashes to heading out to a crowded mall in booty shorts just to test out how feminine I was looking.  At that point, I didn't care whether I looked male or female, it was a matter of seeing how others reacted so I can make changes if people thought I was male.  LOL.

You are a brave girl Carmen. You put yourself out there and I admire you for that. Maybe one day I'll get the nerve to go out.

Hugs, Liara

Carmen, what you have shared here is something that I can completely relate to on many levels.  From what I can tell your dressing started out with one objective - or dare I say curiosity - but once that was achieved you found yourself wanting more. Maybe it was lipstick first, then you raised the game with shorter shorts, then..rinse and repeat many times over.  Yes I can relate to that in so many ways - going well beyond what I ever thought I would.  Now, you have successfully improved your skills at makeup and dressing to clearly turn heads (really great profile pics).  And with it comes a feeling of being desired and puts you in the position of power.  While I have not been as bold as you with being in public, I do feel more powerful each time I dress with a touch of bawdiness where I want to just see what the reaction could be.  It's like, I know what the other person wants and I will decide if/when/how that happens.  Your hypothetical of what you would say/do to a guy would turn him to putty and it sounds like you would enjoy that quite a bit as well.  Nothing wrong with that at all.  It's really intoxicating as someone else here posted one time.  One thing I have learned in my time on this journey is that once there is the idea of trying something in my head, it is hard to shake it until I have actually tried it.  After all how do you know what you like and dislike, much less what it means for you until you have gone down that road. Easy for me to say and I really am rambling at this point, but perhaps you understand where I'm coming from.  BTW, great photos you have shared with everyone!

I'm not sure if allowing your compulsiveness or drive, will take you where you want to be. Perhaps you might be working this matter a little too much.

I would say just relax, enjoy who you are and all that your new self has to offer. If or when you cross that bridge. Let it be for the right reasons.

Ah, compulsiveness and drive... two words that define me.  I have to learn how to undo those, or learn to apply them only when necessary... those two words are inherent in my personality, fortunately or unfortunately.  It's hard for me to operate any other way.  I'm just going through the process, emotions, motions... all new things to consider brought about by crossdressing.  Part of this "feeling", is also wondering if I should stop crossdressing.  I've gotten to a level of "perceived" femininity that I've been at wits end trying to figure out what else I can do naturally to myself to become even more feminine looking.  Unfortunately, short of HRT (which I won't do), what else is there for me.  Am I at the end of my exploration?  Is there more for Carmen to become "better"?  I really don't know the answers to those things yet.  Still trying to figure it all out.

Thank you for your response Celeste.  I TOTALLY get what you're saying.  I'd also have to agree, or re-state, the notion of being in "control", of knowing how to flirt and what to say, knowing how much power one's sexiness can be to another's desire... it's extremely sexy and a total turn on!

Not a thing wrong with having drive and ambition. They are just some of the tools we use to help us get to where we want to go. Or to push thru adversity and reach the point we want be at.

Like driving a race track, you have to adapt discipline when using the throttle or break.

It just sounded to me like you had a compelling need to conquer this Femme issue. I'm just suggesting that you let yourself enjoy it, savor it, immerse yourself in it if you like. No one ever told me that not all things in life need to be conquered. I had to learn that on my own and perhaps much later in life than I should have. Slow learner, lol.

Ha!  My "problem" is I'm a fast learner... some examples of that in my life...

I decided one day (on a dare actually) to create an instrumental CD of my piano playing.  I play by ear and never had lessons.  So I wrote 13 pieces, recorded them professionally, got them printed to CD, and the day I picked up the box from the manufacture, I marched on in to our local smooth jazz radio station, asked to talk to the director, and they played a few songs on the radio, ON THE SPOT.  Ended up on 70 radio stations LOL... start to finish including writing the songs... 2 months!  LMAO.

Martial arts... I got to 2nd degree black in a year and a half.  By the time I was just a green belt (just a couple months in), I started enrolling myself in national competitions at instructor level.  They let me compete!  Long story short... 18 1st place sparring trophies, 21 1st place forms trophies, those instructors were pissed... but hey, I never came home with a 2nd place.... EVER.  LOL.

I have a million stories, exactly the same, for pretty much everything I've done.

Reason my wife gave me for divorce... she hated the fact that I was good at everything, and she felt totally lost as a person with me around.  That pretty much broke me for a while.

Anyhow, thank you for your understanding.  I'm loving this community we have here!