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I have a problem...

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Posts: 45
Lady
Topic starter
(@valorie-and-me)
Trusted Member     La Crosse, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

It's been a while since posting. I've been doing a lot of thinking and just trying to live life best I know how to. I've come to the realization that as I want to further explore V, she poses a problem to my familiar image. I have lived most of my life pushing her down and telling her to leave, compartmentalizing so many aspects of my desire to let her out while being afraid to do so.

Over the years I have learned how I need to act and what boundaries I need to stay inside of to be considered masculine. Does it matter that I be considered masculine? It has in the past, definitely. I got tired of being called gay just for being myself. I got tired of not fitting in with the rest of my gender because it doesn't come naturally to me. This isn't to say that I hate being a male--I don't. But at the same time, the idea of getting to embrace V and throw the meticulous man costume away would be nice. The man is real. I've always been a man. I don't look at my body and hate what I see. I don't feel prisoner to it. But, I also don't feel free to truly be me either. Why? Man comes with this little box. And if you don't fit within the parameters, you are gay, or effeminate, or any other term for "not man enough".

I know that if I were to live as V it would come with its own set of problems. My daughters would lose their father, my wife would lose her husband, etc... The idea that's most attractive about living as V is losing the pressure of trying to be masculine when I don't know how to be. (That and the clothes and shoes and hairstyles and freedom to truly express myself!) I don't consider myself an effeminate man. Other than when V wants some time to shine, I am very vanilla. And that's the problem. I've worked so hard shaping myself to fit in a certain mold that any change would be very noticeable.

For example: I really think I want earrings. When in V mode, I do clip-ons, which are okay. But, it still limits the option. The problem is, the man I show everyone is not the kind of person that would wear earrings. I have tattoos but I've always followed that by saying, "Tattoos and piercings don't have to go together." Talk about shooting myself in the foot. My wife made a very good point about it, saying they are "beard" earrings, in the sense that V wants earrings but the man is someone that would look out of place wearing them. And that's my fault for creating such a vanilla image.

There are many times I wish I could just let this secret about V out for everyone to know so there was no more pretending. And that finally I could come to a place where, for example, the man wears earrings simply because when the woman is dressing up, she gets to have options. I wish I could do it but I doubt I ever will. Two people know about it. My wife and my mom. The rest think I'm just vanilla.

Do any of you ladies have any suggestions? Any advice would help.

Thanks,

V

 

 

 

 

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12 Replies
Posts: 0
Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

V

Keep writing. Keep sharing. You’ve been hashing this out a long time and, my guess, is that your thoughts are the tip of the iceberg. An iceberg that is slowly thawing. You will probably get loads of well meaning advice - best advice? Don’t take anybody’s advice. Keep sharing. Keep talking. What you need now are non- judgemental listeners. You have at least one, but the girls here are sensitive, intuitive and really really good listeners.

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Posts: 0
Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

One thought that just crossed my mind... you know the expression, the book? Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. You probably don’t need a lot of fixers.

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Posts: 7
Lady
(@salleys)
Active Member     Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

just own it , i dont fit in those boxes either. but i stand tall (only 5.3) i tell them i a guy who loves girly stuff and i not gay and i am marred and i dont know why i dress either, so any problem and so far every one so far says great for you being who you are, not sure what they say behind your back but i cant hear it so it dont matter .    love life it make living great   Salley

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Posts: 1
 John
Lady
(@shortbread)
New Member     East China, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Valorie,

I don't usually write here or anywhere else about this. My fem side started with panties years ago and to this day. It used to be and even today is referred to aa a fetish. Maybe so. I still like to and do wear them but with much more lingerie accompaniment. I don't wear jewelry, my choice, but I would polish my nails all 20 of them if it were not to be thought of as gay by others. My wife says nothing about some of my lingerie choices but has limits....Bras and panties are ok camis and nighties are too. But when I put on stockings(pantyhose,stay ups or clip ups) I get the "do you have to?" Same with garter belts and teddies or similar sexy lingerie. I have all the stuff but she does not want to see me in it.  I don't for the most part even want to wear a dress or put on makeup. But once in a great while I wonder what it would be like to be a girl for a day or two. I don't think that's in my future though. I just cherish the time I do get and not worry about the rest. I can see why your so troubled. Maybe some day everyone will just take people for who they are and not for what they want them to be. Maybe that day is coming.  I hear almost daily now of people who can change things as such coming out publicly  and saying they are not your idea of a boy or girl but are ---------------- you fill in the blanks.

Till then unless you sneak around the back of my secluded home on a nice cool day and find me set on the porch basking in my sexy lingerie and watching the world go by you will never be able to tell I like being feminine...…...Hugs

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Posts: 299
Duchess
(@mollyg)
Reputable Member     Alberta, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago

V

I doubt I need to say it, but this is the never ending struggle.    Even if you do decide to get piercings, then there's the question of what are you wearing, and if you want to wear something dangly/feminine then the question will come up again.

I did get piercings recently and to tell you the truth, the reactions have been sort of "So what".   Some questions, but no real issues.... Now I find I want to wear something prettier and I'm back in the same mind set again.   "What will people think?",  "Will I give it all away?" etc etc.

Confidence and apparent happiness wins the day, so just do what make you happy and most people respond positively to that.   On your comments on "This is what I've said previously..." perhaps, "I realised my previous thoughts on this were <incorrect/short sighted/whatever you can live with>" .   Most people respect someone who can say "I was wrong" or "I think I was wrong".

Good luck with your thoughts, and as some of the other girls say... Don't listen to the advice offered,  because we really don't know enough about you, but use it as a data point for thinking.   As a bonus point, I'm really happy I did.

Hugs and good luck

-Molly

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Posts: 155
Lady
(@nicolebox40)
Estimable Member     Baytown, Texas, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

I had one of those moments last weekend when we stop at a crowded place to pay a bill. After that we went to a hardware store and I was fine walking around in my jeans and pantyhose. It comes and goes I too would love to and look forward to full time when the So and I retire from our jobs.

Life is a beautiful ride enjoy it while you can.

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Posts: 295
Lady
(@bobbie1951)
Reputable Member     Homosassa, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Valorie, i started crossdressing later in life (>50 ) and i discovered my taste via BDSM and a sissy fetish.  Now though i find i want more than just underdressing.  Panties, bras, camis, and nighties are no longer enough.  My kids are well grown and my son’s attitude would be “Whatever makes you feel good,Dad”. i would still be his dad just now his crossdressing dad.  My daughter probably less accepting.  My current wife is tolerating so far but not enthusiastic.  i am simply weary of keeping Bobbie stuffed in her closet.  i am also old enough that i care much less about what others think of me.  However there is always a new frontier, be it ears pierced or eyebrows shaped or nails done.  At each new frontier there is the fear of the unknown.  Only you can decide which frontiers are important to Valorie to cross and which she can live without exploring.  Above all enjoy what you can

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Posts: 0
Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

Valorie,  You asked good questions, not all of which will have satisfactory answers.  Does it matter that you be considered masculine?  In some environments and situations, yes.  My answer  has been to minimize or to avoid them whenever possible.  I'm neither gay nor unhappy with my body as it is, but Bettylou is a part of me that needs to be expressed.  Your need to express V is something which needs to be told to your wife; but I don't know how to advise you.  This revelation has broken some marriages, but many wives have also been willing to accept (or at least tolerate) you getting in touch with your feminine side (as my wife expresses it).

You should decide which things in life are most important to you, and make your decisions accordingly - realizing that there may be losses as a consequence.  I hope this does not happen, but please be prepared.  For what it's worth, my wife is not prepared to meet the complete Bettylou, but she has accepted many clothing items, jewelry, and even nail polish as they have been gradually introduced.  Our children are grown and gone, so I can't comment on that aspect of your situation.  Whatever happens, please know that you are among friends, here.

Bettylou

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Posts: 45
Lady
Topic starter
(@valorie-and-me)
Trusted Member     La Crosse, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

I appreciate all the advice and helpful words! I have good news on many fronts.

I'm not worried in the least about losing my wife because of this. She knows about V and has helped me do my makeup a few times, given me old clothes, and even took me on a thrift run to find me some stuff. And truly touching to my heart, when she shopped online for herself for more work clothes, she bought me a classic fifties dress. It ended up needing to be returned due to not fitting me fully, but the thought alone speaks volumes. And, once it's returned, I have credit to pick out something else! She's also fully in support of me piercing my ears. When winter comes, she says she has no problem with me shaving my legs, if I choose to do so. She's truly an amazing partner, a gift from God absolutely.

I left my initial post on a bit of downer note. But I'm happy to report I've definitely decided I'm getting them pierced. It's time to break out of this "box" a bit and find the freedom to just be me. And I'm not just V. I'm a man who has meticulously set my own rigid boundaries for how I need to act to be accepted as a man. NO MORE! It's time to express myself more, to break the boundaries, and maybe even find some much needed balance between my two sides.

I used to not care what people think. It's time to get back to exactly that!

V is only a part of me. She's the sprinkles and icing to put on me, a very plain donut.

Thanks for all the help, ladies!

V (the pep in this boring man's step haha)

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Posts: 295
Lady
(@bobbie1951)
Reputable Member     Homosassa, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

You go girl! 💢🌀 i am right behind ya

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Posts: 0
Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

V,
Happy to hear that your situation is not as dire as we first thought. You are very lucky to have a wife who is supportive; many of us do not. Any activity which goes beyond what the public general calls "normal" will get you some backlash of varying degree...been there, done that many times during my life. You have made the correct, if difficult choice to live your life as you see fit. Wishing you the very best for your future.

Bettylou

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Posts: 1766
Duchess
(@fiona06)
Famed Member     Bolton, Lancashire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 years ago

Hi Valorie, it seems you are at a turning point in your journey of which most of us will face at one time or another, god knows, i have questioned my sexuality, gender, masculinity a hundred times!! but at the end of it all, Fiona always wins out. It is interesting to note, generally, as we get older, our femme feelings seem to get stronger, why, i'm not too sure, maybe its because of hormonal changes in the body, to be sure i simply dont know, but it happens!! Dont beat yourself up over this Valorie, what you are asking has been asked countless times by others.

The answer is progression BUT! and its a big but, it all depends on personal circumstances, for which we are all different. There is simply no single, ground breaking answer here, but taking each little victory at a time and building on that, no matter how small it is. It sounds like Valorie is wanting to be known and to be at the forefront, i can fully understand your frustration here. At the end of the day, you are you and you should be proud or yourself for being the beautiful lady that you are. At the very least, you have friends on here that will listen to you 🙂 . Take care! with love....

Fiona xxx

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