Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
Hi ladies!
Recently, I've just really wanted to share Kendra with the world- if only it was that easy. I personally don't care what other people think about me, but there are relationships that would be strained and potential professional issues in the future. When I'm on social media, I have to fight the urge to post my coming out story to all my friends. What a nasty spot we crossdressers find ourselves in. All we want is to live authentically, to be the mix of masculine and feminine that we know ourselves to be. But some in the world don't think that's acceptable.
I realize this is not a position unique to crossdressers. Why can't people just get over it and respect others for who they are?
Anyone else struggle with this? How do you talk yourself down from the ledge of announcing who you are?
Kendra
Hi, Kendra.
I've always been securely closeted and absolutely horrified at the thought of my "secret" being discovered. But, just over six months here and I'm thinking seriously of telling my elder daughter! I think she'd be ok with it but I don't want the knowledge to be a burden.
The point is that, I am now much more accepting of myself, I'm happier and more contented and, naturally, I want to share this with those I love. As for the rest of the world, I don't want to have my happiness be the cause of any unhappiness to my other family and friends.
However, you must choose for you, no-one else can do that for you. And remember, you've got us to share with.
I don't know if this is much help but I hope so.
Allie x
@alexina Thank you! It is so helpful to have this community to share this journey with. You'll have to let us know how it goes with your daughter if you decide to share with her!
@kendrawhite YES! I have a lot of issues with coming out. One of my sisters knows and is very accepting to the point of giving me some of her clothes to start my new wardrobe. She has been a real comfort to me but, so far, I haven't told anyone else. I'm retired and don't have to worry about that but, the rest of my family is a problem. One of my kids is very judgmental and the rest look up to that one without question. My wife passed recently, and I don't want to lose connection with the family I have left. I've, worked in industry, "manly" jobs for most of my career so, coming out en femme would be a shock to most of the people I know.
An ex-boss made contact with me recently and told me about her coming out both to her wife and to the Toast Master's club she belongs to. In front of a room full of people who knew him, she came out and introduced herself. WOW! She's a lot braver than I am. She will be the next person I tell. Beyond that, I don't know. I talk myself down by contact with people that I know will understand, you and all the friends I have made on CDH. Everyone here has gone through this or is going through it now. Without them, I think I would go crazy and do something really stupid like jump off a bridge or something. I plan to live a long and interesting life. Well so far it has been interesting. Luck to both of us in our struggles.
Love Tia
I understand your struggle Kendra. The need to be ourselves often conflicts with real life. I won't presume to have a solution. I can only speak of my own experience.
Most of you know I'm trans. Getting where I am today was a LONG journey. Parts of that journey are too dark to talk about publically.
Ultimately it came down to a simple question. Did I want to be happy for the rest of my life? Or was I willing to be miserable for the the rest of my life?
When I asked myself that question the answer was obvious. I roped up and jumped off the cliff. Life has never been better.
Anyone that's asking themselves those same questions....I wish you the clarity you need to find your own best answer.
Y'all are beautiful no matter who you are. Never forget.
Liz
@kendrawhite Struggle with this?!? Every damn day! Like you, I don’t care what people think of me, but I also have to consider the feelings of others. If I were a trans woman, I’m sure I’d probably come out to everyone because I’d feel like a fraud living as a man while knowing I was a woman. And everyone would have to deal with that news. But as a cross dresser, I have two sides and both feel right. So, showing the world, my family and friends in particular, my male side is authentic and I can live with that.
But most of them would have a very hard time accepting my Jill half. I base my opinion on the opinions that they themselves have shared with me. Now it’s very possible that they haven’t known a cross dresser before and therefore make ignorant assumptions and comments, and that they might change their opinions if I came out to them. But they’re more likely to have a very bad reaction to such news.
So, for now, I’ll keep this quiet, between me and the few I’ve told. But yes, Kendra, I want to tell everyone everyday about my cross dressing. But the possible rewards aren’t worth the very likely negative consequences.
Hugs, Jill
@kendrawhite Like multiple girls have said but ill reiterate. something I have learned since CDH is that unless I plan to just open the flood gates which at this time I do not. then I dont want to burden anyone with keeping my secret. Except I had to burden my wife but its much easier for her to keep than say a friend or family member. But sometimes I just want to scream it out loud from the mountain top. I love dressing up as a woman !! maybe someday when I retire. Thanks for the topic have a great day. RC
Kendra, we all struggle with this. Who to tell, how much should we tell them when to tell them. For myself I would be so deep in the closet fearful of letting ANYONE know of my terrible secret. Then about years ago I accidentally let my Ex find out. The first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids. Then she threatened to tell my 4 brothers and my mother. After that I, one by one, told everyone. All my brothers know, sadly my mother passed away before I told her, everyone at work knows, I have been going to my Church as Cassie for almost a year now. I even went with my granddaughter to the nail salon yesterday and we both had our nails done.
So for me the beginning of being outed just lead me to be full time Cassie, coming out when I retire later this year. Oh,and next week I am getting my hair colored again.
Cassie
I think Allie has it about right. It can be a burden as much for you as others as if you tell one and it's both your secret then like you they want to share it. The burden to you is the guilt maybe, this is who you are and the shame it could bring to others in the unforgiving world you paint.
The other point is that if you are very comfortable with yourself it seems natural to want to share as it can open a door to coming out to the world and going out.
Allie says she could share it with her eldest daughter who could be okay. It was always my thoughts when alone and feeling the need to come out. Who would be okay, who would maybe understand? It was a gamble and I told my mum as naturally knowing how she thought and her opinions it seemed right, thankfully it was.
Then things moved forward, family got to know and from there friends, neighbours until it was no longer a secret. Sure there were those who were a bit unsure but they came around in the end and maybe one or two just didn't like it. That has to be accepted but there were more accepting and supportive that moving on was easy.
I suppose it is down to how much the family really love you and open they are. Friends the same and choosing the right one is the same, how well do you know them and what is their thoughts on issues.
Even ultra conservatives can be surprising, they may appear to follow a mantra but deep down they aren't what you see.
Opening up is of course a gamble but if you choose wisely it isn't a burden you imagine. Yes of course by one click you could announce to the world online but there are other ways. Chat privately or if you have friends you see face to face assess them and then take a step over the ledge.
For me, and it is only my experience, did it and instead of plummeting I flew.
I have no problem with people finding out but it is important to me that they find out as a consequence of rumour, rather than me turning up in front of my acquaintances dressed as a woman. Over the last few months, I have worn more and more feminine things: rings, earrings, nail polish, bright clolours, just waiting for someone to say something to raise the subject, but no one does. I think I'm being quite obvious but people are either accepting it as a mild eccentricity or are activly ignoring it for whatever reason. I am thinking of growing my hair (I've shaved my head for years, and see another thread I'm about to write) and if people don't mention that I will be very surprised.
I go out dressed in public but not locally. Likely, best thing that could happen would be to meet someone I know in the city and have them 'report back' to my village.
I have to resist the urge to just 'come out' as there are people here that would be less than welcoming. Not having them speak to me is not a problem as I'm not that sociable anyway, but I don't want any outright animosity.
Softly, softly, catchy monkey, is the way to go I think.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter I have spent the past 2 years trying to grow my hair out. the longest I have made is 8 months and I purged it. then I went 7 months and im interviewing for a new job so I cut it again. uggh. my wigs fit way better with short hair though and Im thinking unless I color my hair Ill probably always want to wear a wig. But I love how it feels when its long. Ill try again I hope you have an easier time at it 🙂 RC
I am a bit torn on this. I am sometimes tempted to tell a couple of close friends but don't want to burden them with a secret. My family don't know and it will stay that way.
I avoid going out near home as I worry about how it would be received. When I have to get home in makeup it is a quick dash to the house. Nobody else was in today so standing in my front garden in a dress was a huge adventure.
When I do go out, it's well away from home and will only see the one or two people who know
Anna x
To be clear I'm not trans and so I doll up maybe 3-4x/month, but I'm in the same boat, I think. I have often thought of showing up to social events dolled up just because I want to. Might it cost me a friend or two? Doubtful, but one never knows.
I'm at the point where my decision to tell someone comes down to a need-to-know basis, and right know that's the GF, the kiddo, and the trivia lady (she's very cool 😉 ). I don't want this thing that I like to do to become something that makes interactions uncomfortable for my friends. Strangers? Sure, whatever I can't concern myself with thousands of people, but those inside the circle? Yes, I have to care about them.
Might that change in the future? Perhaps, but there's only one way to know...
"Trivia lady"? Please explain, Melodee.
Watch this, it'll be something obvious and I'll look like an idiot!
Allie x
@alexina lol It's a bit unusual I suppose.
Some friends and I play in a weekly trivia league, and the hostess at our location is really great. After being there for maybe 1½ years, one night after trivia she asked me what my weekend plans were, and they happened to involve some CDing at a local(ish) club. So, because I want to avoid making things awkward for people, I just gave her vague info, but that simply piqued her interest and she asked for more details.
I gave her my standard 'you can't unring a bell' caution, but that simply made things worse lol So I just showed her a photo of me dolled up. She looked at it expressionless and then said, "You thought this would bother me?" I told her I really didn't, but one never knows.
The topic comes up from time to time when we chat, but mostly she just treats it like anything else. She's very cool. 🙂
My decision to live full time meant that the next step was to begin the process of coming out to friends, neighbors and acquaintances. I am extremely lucky in that I haven't had any bad experiences as of yet.
But everyone's circumstances are different and people really need to think it through before coming out to others.
I can definitely understand this to a degree. A part of me would like to just completely come out. Even though like Melodee, I’m not trans and have no desire to live as a woman. For me, going out dressed up is thrilling. For the most part, I really don’t care what people think but (There’s always a but lol) The fallout that would come from a public disclosure would be messy indeed.
I know I would lose friends, and it would be terrible for me at work. At some point, though, it may happen I guess if it does, it does. I’m not ashamed of it and I have no problem telling anyone where I’m shopping that the clothes are for me. My job would be a completely different situation though, and I’m not ready to deal with that.
So I’m fine with everything being the way it is.
english is not my first language so its going to be short my opinion, every day that is a battle i have to do, i have to face, i have to win in order to keep my world well if you want to tell the world do it in a safe mode, open an account in social media for kendra and explore her world in this space and you will find that she can be the way she want to be at least for the present time, the future could be more open mind hugs Alexandra
@romanticale I like the idea of creating a social media profile. I know there's still some risk in that, but it's like coming out incognito. Thanks!
I started cross dressing at 8 ( which seems to be a popular starting age).
my desire to keep my cding to myself and not come out was ingrained at an early age.
growing up in the 60’s and early 70’s if there was even a hint that you dressed up you would be labeled a sissy or a girly boy and the teasing would be merciless and never ending.
because of that I knew I needed to keep my dressing a secret. But to be honest I actually enjoyed keeping it that way. It was my little secret! And I planned on keeping it that way my entire life. Of course I was being naive. As many of you girls know I came out against my will having been outed by my ex wife. Because of this I lost many people close to me including two of my three children and many friends. I don’t know how many people know I’m assuming a lot. One thing that has never happened in the ten years since is no one has come up to me and said anything like “ I know and I’m ok with it” or even it’s ashame what your ex wife did to you and sympathize with me. I’m not really looking for that and I guess people just want to avoid anything like awkward moments . But you’d think that there might be another cd out there who has been told about me and wound possibly approach me. But maybe like me they just want to keep it all a secret.
Like all the other replies, I can only speak from my experience in coming out. YMMV 🙂
Before I started going out in public en femme, I'd only told one of my two closest friends about Fiona. I then told my neighbours at my house to expect to see me around the place as a woman, which was no issue at all to them. Although I work at my house, I was only staying here one night a week at that point, living the rest of the time at my partner's house. That was a month or so before I realised that I am trans, at which point I told my partner and my family about that straight away. When I started a trial period of living as Fiona, I told the other very close friend, along with some of the people in my car club who know me the most. When I realised I wasn't going back into male mode, it meant the end of my relationship. I then came out to work and to the rest of the car club, and changed my Facebook and email accounts to show my new name.
I don't know whether my relative social isolation in my work and home lives has made things easier to come out, or not. Although I have fewer close people to fear losing contact with than many girls here, that means that each one has greater significance to me. In the end, I have paid quite a heavy price in losing my long-term relationship, which would very likely have progressed on to growing old together, but as Fiona I am living a different life now. There's been nothing negative from my family, except that my parents don't feel they could handle meeting Fiona so I can only see them in male mode. My son and my aunt in particular are very encouraging. I'm pleased to report also, that I chose both my closest friends well 🙂 Meanwhile work and the rest of the car club have been broadly very accepting and supportive of Fiona. There are just a couple of people who haven't said anything (which is a credit to them if they are struggling with it), and no-one at all has been overtly negative.
Kendra, outside of CDH I have only shares myself with 4 others not including my wife who has "found out". In two instances I was unequivocally accepted. One was my sister who is a nun but has struggled with sexuality. The other was a cousin who is gay. In both cases I was pretty sure I would be accepted.
I also came out to my former pastor who I had counciled with me. When I told him and said I did not want to change he gave a smile of acceptance. He even had nice things about pictures I showed him. The latest one was a good lady friend at church. I knew that she and her husband had been accepting of a gay couple. With her, I felt a burning desire to share myself. She was honored and our friendship has deepened as a result.
I all of these instances, it felt so good to be known so I get your wanting to tell the world.
I don't know if I will share with anyone else unless I gain acceptance from my wife. I feel that I would need to okay it with her first.
Congratulations Kendra.
That's a big step forward , Go Gurl
Big Warm Hugg for You
