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I really need confirmation on this, let me give as much context as possible.
I’m on holiday in Canada with my family (wife and 2 sons), we’re staying at my nieces.
I have a special bond with her for over 30 years.
We do not contact each other often but we keep In touch.
If there is anyone in the world I would like to tell about Nora it’s her.
And I would like to do that in person and I’m staying with her right now. And it will be years before I see her in person again.
Now here is what is holding me back.
I told my wife and youngest (transgender) son only three weeks ago. I haven’t told my oldest son yet, who lives on his own.
If I were to tell my niece I would obviously have to tell him first and I would discuss it with my wife first.
my wife has been supportive, but we haven’t really talked about it yet. She did ask me for websites and books to read about the subject, which I provided to her. But she was busy with work and preparations for our holiday, so she hasn’t read them yet.
She also doesn’t know my name yet.
So all things considered I want to tell my niece things I have not discussed with my wife. If I bring it up now, during our holiday, she might get upset.
I really want to, but it would be selfish to do so.
Thank you for reading. It helped writing this down.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
My issue has always been my Granddaughter. If I tell my youngest daughter, who is gay, she would tell my other daughter. My granddaughter is 9, and she doesn’t need to know. Both my daughters couldn’t keep a secret from each other if the world depended on it. So I don’t need my granddaughter finding out and telling her mothers EX, then him blowing up over visitation to me. So those are things to considered. Is it for your benefit or theirs?
I see a few options. One tell your wife you want to tell your niece, but don't go into detail, or two just talk with your niece and keep it between yourselves, at least for the time being.
It is very helpful to have a confidant in our dressing. Somebody you can tell some of your deeper, darker secrets to and feel safe they will go no further. I came out to my cousin when she was staying with us for a few days. She was sweet and supportive and curious about dressing en femme. I told her things I would likely never tell my wife which lifted a great burden from my shoulders by being able to talk about such things with somebody who I am close to and has my best interest at heart.
Personally, I wod schdule a lunch or some such time with just you and your niece and have a nice long talk. Having a heart felt talk with someone close to you is not selfish, but rather a wise and healthly thing to do. There is no need to.tell your son until you and your wife are ready, but your niece falls in a differwnt category. I think you are making it more complex then it needs to be by adding in all these familt.dynamics, when at this point you just need someone to talk to who will listen and offer advise and support.
"I really want to, but it would be selfish to do so."
You answered your own question. There is no reason to tell anyone on vacation. Just relax and enjoy the time with family.
I wouldn't say it's selfish, but telling your niece without discussing it with your spouse may not be the best judgement. Whether you tell your other son is probably irrelevant to the discussion, unless you think your niece would tell him without your approval.
I know you said it would be a long time before you see your niece in person again, but perhaps a video call would be the next best thing,
I would not tell your niece without discussing it with your wife first. An open line of communication with her is of prime importance to the future of your dressing life.
Another option would be to include your wife so the three of you can sit down and have a chat. Your wife might learn a lot and if your niece accepts you it may reassure your wife.
Just a follow up.
I took @2bmadeline ’s advice and enjoyed the rest of my vacation without telling anyone.
I did tell my wife about my struggle not to tell and she thanked me I didn’t.