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I probably shouldn’t do this, right?

20 Posts
12 Users
47 Reactions
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Posts: 22
Duchess
Topic starter
(@noralisa)
Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Joined: 10 months ago

I really need confirmation on this, let me give as much context as possible. 

I’m on holiday in Canada with my family (wife and 2 sons), we’re staying at my nieces. 
I have a special bond with her for over 30 years. 
We do not contact each other often but we keep In touch. 

If there is anyone in the world I would like to tell about Nora it’s her. 
And I would like to do that in person and I’m staying with her right now. And it will be years before I see her in person again.

Now here is what is holding me back. 

I told my wife and youngest (transgender) son only three weeks ago. I haven’t told my oldest son yet, who lives on his own. 

If I were to tell my niece I would obviously have to tell him first and I would discuss it with my wife first. 

my wife has been supportive, but we haven’t really talked about it yet. She did ask me for websites and books to read about the subject, which I provided to her. But she was busy with work and preparations for our holiday, so she hasn’t read them yet. 

She also doesn’t know my name yet. 

So all things considered I want to tell my niece things I have not discussed with my wife. If I bring it up now, during our holiday, she might get upset. 

I really want to, but it would be selfish to do so. 

Thank you for reading. It helped writing this down. 
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

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19 Replies
4 Replies
Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@noralisa I agree with JJ. I think if you feel you need to run EVERYTHING through your wife. You know your situation better than all of us here. Telling your niece before your son might be a good way for you to go. OR maybe tell them both at the same time??

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Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 605

@noralisa wife first, always. No exceptions ever.  You have her acceptance now so stay with what works for you.  Good luck

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Lady
(@kimdl94)
Joined: 9 months ago

Reputable Member     Blearmill, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 175

@noralisa 

Work this out with your wife AFTER your current vacation.   It would be short-sighted and yes, selfish to do otherwise.   While you may not have a chance to come out in person to your niece in the foreseeable future, you need to give first priority to your immediate family.   

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 9 months ago

Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 314

@noralisa it is a difficult one and l can't tell you what you should do , l always feel telling another is easy as l don't have to reap the consequences however l can say what l would do in the same or similar situation.

I feel that my son would have to know before anyone outside the immediate family. However l would have to discuss it with my wife firstly to see how to go about it. Once immediate family know then l would mention to the wife that l would like to tell the niece. 

The above it what l think l would do. I guess the more advice you get, the more information you are armed. I hope my rambling has helped ... xx Jane 

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Posts: 555
Lady
(@lisa55)
Prominent Member     Gloucester, Virginia, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

My issue has always been my Granddaughter. If I tell my youngest daughter, who is gay, she would tell my other daughter.  My granddaughter is 9, and she doesn’t need to know. Both my daughters couldn’t keep a secret from each other if the world depended on it. So I don’t need my granddaughter finding out and telling her mothers EX, then him blowing up over visitation to me. So those are things to considered. Is it for your benefit or theirs? 

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2 Replies
Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@lisa55 it’s mainly my benefit, although I’m sure she would be excited when I tell her. I want to tell her because I think she would be very positive about it and I just want that.

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Lady
(@lisa55)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Gloucester, Virginia, United States of America
Posts: 555

@noralisa wishing you all the best!

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I see a few options. One tell your wife you want to tell your niece, but don't go into detail, or two just talk with your niece and keep it between yourselves, at least for the time being.

It is very helpful to have a confidant in our dressing. Somebody you can tell some of your deeper, darker secrets to and feel safe they will go no further. I came out to my cousin when she was staying with us for a few days. She was sweet and supportive and curious about dressing en femme. I told her things I would likely never tell my wife which lifted a great burden from my shoulders by being able to talk about such things with somebody who I am close to and has my best interest at heart.

Personally, I wod schdule a lunch or some such time with just you and your niece and have a nice long talk. Having a heart felt talk with someone close to you is not selfish, but rather a wise and healthly thing to do. There is no need to.tell your son until you and your wife are ready, but your niece falls in a differwnt category. I think you are making it more complex then it needs to be by adding in all these familt.dynamics, when at this point you just need someone to talk to who will listen and offer advise and support.

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@jjandme I already have a confidant. She helped get fully dressed for the first time and I can tell her everything and anything. 

It’s just that I want to share it with more people but at the same time not hurt my wife’s feelings. 

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Posts: 305
Duchess
(@2bmadeline)
Reputable Member     Walla Walla, Washington, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

"I really want to, but it would be selfish to do so."

You answered your own question. There is no reason to tell anyone on vacation. Just relax and enjoy the time with family.

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@2bmadeline yes, I know. I wasn’t looking for someone to tell me otherwise. I wanted to get rid of my last pieces of doubt.

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Posts: 1742
Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

I wouldn't say it's selfish, but telling your niece without discussing it with your spouse may not be the best judgement. Whether you tell your other son is probably irrelevant to the discussion, unless you think your niece would tell him without your approval.

I know you said it would be a long time before you see your niece in person again, but perhaps a video call would be the next best thing,

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@alison-anderson or perhaps just wait those years and then tell in person. Anyway I’m not telling without discussing with my wife, that was never an option for me.

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Posts: 1797
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Famed Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I would not tell your niece without discussing it with your wife first. An open line of communication with her is of prime importance to the future of your dressing life.

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2 Replies
(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 1335

@d44 

Thumbs Up

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Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@d44 yes, exactly, that’s my biggest worry. So I don’t want to tell anyone without discussing it with my wife. If I tell someone she knows, it will basically force her to talk about it with that person as well, even if it’s just a few words.

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Posts: 379
Lady
(@leainvancouver)
Prominent Member     Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Joined: 1 year ago

Another option would be to include your wife so the three of you can sit down and have a chat. Your wife might learn a lot and if your niece accepts you it may reassure your wife. 

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@leainvancouver yes, having my wife present when I tell is my preferred option. I want to include her as much as possible, but at the same time I don’t want to overwhelm her

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Posts: 22
Duchess
Topic starter
(@noralisa)
Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Joined: 10 months ago

Just a follow up. 
I took @2bmadeline ’s advice and enjoyed the rest of my vacation without telling anyone. 
I did tell my wife about my struggle not to tell and she thanked me I didn’t. 

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