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i can't help but wonder how my gender struggles would have played out in a culture far more polarised and rigid in its gender norms. the exact level of discomfort i've always felt within my own just leads to this soft "am i some kind of 'queer'?" questions, but in many others i won't name the implications could be far more extreme and at best require some harder answers to navigate. the idea of being in a strictly male world seems unliveable (as if my family weren't close enough), but would those differences also make me appreciate not being female?
it's impossible to know, but i do have a feeling if i had ever been put in an all-boys school, either i would have started insisting i was a girl to get out or repressing myself to a point of an eventual explosion... of some sort.
