Is Crossdressing an addiction?

Hi Patty. Here’s my take.

Yes and no. Crossdressing is difficult, if not damn near impossible to quit. Much like smoking, alcohol, and drugs are for some people.

By definition, repeated actions become habits. Some habits are good (buckling one’s seatbelt) some are not (coming to a rolling stop at intersections). Some habits become addictions.

I do get a rush from slipping into a pair of panties. I do want more as time passes (a bra, nylons, makeup, smoother skin, etc.) of the things that make me look more like a woman.

But it’s a manifestation of who I am. Even if I didn’t put on the clothes, apply makeup, sport a wig, the feminine side of me would not go away. Part of me would still be Raquel.

But, at least, IMHO, crossdressing is heathy. It makes me happier, relieves stress, and has no dire side effects.

Some scientists would say I have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism because of my mother and father. Yet, I can go weeks between having a beer or drink and can stop at one.

In full disclosure, I’m a smoker. If my wife were fully aware of my crossdressing (I’m beginning to come to the opinion that she must suspect something, but definitely does not know the whole of it, by any means) and were given the choice, she’d rather have me give up smoking, but would never fully like me crossdressing, either.

Habits can be hard to break. Addictions, even harder to shake. But you can’t change who you are, only how you behave.

It's a lot more than an addiction for me, an innate part of who and ultimately what I am.

Well, the word "addiction" is usually associated with something that is bad. But, couldn't the same addiction argument be made for joy, happiness, love? We need and crave these things, and there's nothing wrong with that. Smoking physically damages the body. If my dressing in a feminine way makes me happy, that's good for the body.

Is a cis gendered male addicted to masculinity? No one asks that question, because they are dressing and expressing themselves in the way that society expects them to. I wonder how many of them have the same feelings that we do, but don't dare step outside of the box that society has put them in?

Rather than asking if this is an addiction, I think a better question may be, do I have a healthy balance between crossdressing and other things in my life?

Birel

Very true Birel

You cant say it any simpler that, life is a balance and I haven't gotten my balance lately.

Thank you

Eek.  An addiction?  I have always equated an addiction as an uncontrollable need for something.  I've had addictions in my life, it is not a half way thing.  You are, or are not.  And if you are truly addicted, you will do whatever it takes to get a fix.  You would not care being embarrassed or ashamed about coming out of the closet, nor would you be worried about hurting others or any negative consequences.  All an addict worries about is fulfilling a need.  From what I have read here most - if not all - of us  are very concerned about the others in our lives and care about them.  Many of us were scared and unsure when coming out, worried about being rejected.  A true addict would not give two poops about that, all they care about is getting a "fix".  That is what has caused so much grief for myself, and for others too I'm sure -  We care!   That's the big difference, and my way of thinking about it anyway.  Addict?  Don't like the term, just isnt the proper word to define it all.

Me, I need to wear clothes - it gets cold in Canada.  I wear my clothes to keep warm, that's all they are for me.  My clothes.

Stevie

Yes. It can be an addiction. Most of us hide, or downplay  our addictions. We gloss over how much we spend, or don't exactly share what we bought.

The majority of us hide what we do from our family. We might even use cding as a form of escapism from our other commitments.

Enjoyment can be extremely addictive. And enjoyment can be destructive. Eg, self absorbed to the detriment of everything else. And those traits can be found in many areas of recreation and hobbies.

Hi Patty,

Just a thought, what precisely is your wife getting at? Is she concerned that you are dressing all the time? Or is she concerned that you are spending too much time on the CDH forum?

Don't laugh, but you *can* indeed get addicted to simply being part of an online community. As a one time moderator on a long gone forum, I was aware of forum users there crashing and burning by getting too carried away. If you are getting up earlier to check out your messages and your thanks, and see what's new in the posts, or if you are staying up late and losing sleep through it, then maybe that's worth addressing.

Being online is a solitary activity which rules out the engagement of loved ones and friends in the real world who can get quite hurt or miffed if they feel you are ignoring them or preferring 'just' to type something onto a screen and then react to a beep or notification.

Not saying this applies to you Patty - but I'd be surprised if this thought hasn't crossed the mind of a few posters here - me included.

Marti xxx

I believe cd'ing is an addiction , kinda different from chemicals , chemicals can be erased , but cd'ing is a mental state . I hear once anything goes into the brain it's there forever . I think those that have quit will tell you they think of it now and then , which to me means they can return anytime and probably will , well that what i believe and I'm sticking to it

Great discussion! I am always impressed with the level of intelligence, insight and civility to be found on CDH regarding very complex emotional issues. Addiction certainly has many negative connotations that any rational person wants to avoid. Is dressing negatively affecting my job, the people around me that I love, the pursuit of other interests in my life (music, art, literature etc...)? These are the questions I ask myself. Birel's points are well taken, is my life in balance? There is only one person that can answer that question obviously.

An interesting thing this discussion has brought to light for me is the neuroscience "Pink Fog" aspect of dressing. Has the need to crossdress always been this strong and simply repressed  or have I created a pleasure pathway that needs continual reinforcement the same as strenuous exercise? There is no question that putting on a pair of panties produces a little jolt of pleasure, however I think the desire to express my feminine side is more deeply rooted. Certainly only a very small percentage of men have this need. Beyond my pay grade to understand why it felt so right the first time I indulged the urge. At this point in my journey, achieving a balance is the pathway to happiness.

Hi Lisa!  For sure I feel happier when wearing a bra - I certainly lean to the female side of gender -  but I will not go into withdrawal without it.  I'd just be unhappy, like I was for many years of my life when I wanted to wear one all the time but couldn't.  So I dont see it as an addiction or I would have totally fallen apart long ago.   Sure, we can become addictive in our behavior, but really, if we are addicted to this, isnt it about what you mentioned - more of a gender shift along the spectrum issue?  And then it's not a crossdressing addiction at all, just us accepting who we are and wearing the clothes made for.... us. 🙂

Hugs, Stevie

Thank you Patty for a very thought provoking post.  I think Stephanie hit the nail on the head with her well expressed response.  It's interesting that no one thinks of being gay as an addiction.

As Birel pointed out so well, the issue does not seem to be whether or not you are addicted, but rather your wife's need to see more of the man in her life.  Finding the right balancing point can be difficult but it certainly sounds like you have a wonderful wife to talk these things through with and set some ground rules and expectations going forward that, while maybe not perfect, will work for the two of you.  It is great that your wife is communicating her feelings with you before they fester into something harder to correct.

A common thread through a lot of the relationship issues expressed here on CDH seems to be that we have a feminine aspect to our brains that we try to control or eliminate unsuccessfully as we grow up and develop romantic relationships in our lives.  By the time we realize that we will always be a crossdresser we are often married and sometimes have children.  We then have the conversation and many marriages end at this point or soon after.  A good percentage of wives though love their husbands enough that even though this is something they never signed up for and they find very unattractive they want to find a way to  continue the marriage.  Each marriage handles this in its own way ranging from don't ask/don't tell to full support.  But even in the cases of full support, I believe that if there was a pill that would eliminate the desire to crossdress almost every wife would put it in their husbands coffee without hesitation.  I point all this out to say I really appreciate and treasure wives like Patty's that hang in there and work with us even though it is difficult for them.

The excellent well thought out replies to this post are why I love and value this site and really appreciate all the volunteers that do the hard work of making this possible.

Lisa, you’ve done it again, shown light where there is often darkness.

In previous discussions here, we’ve talked about the mainstream marketing of “skirts for men” and similar attempts to make “women’s clothes” fashionable, acceptable and specifically designed for male body types. Something inside me always recoils at the thought of that. I think I’d miss the wash of serotonin if my dressing habits were co-opted into the mainstream marketplace.

2 cents from Clara

Good discussion and great answers!

I think most folks looking from the outside-in could see crossdressing as an addiction, but for us looking from the inside-out it can be a prison.

We want to tell someone about it and what it means to us, to leave our homes in peace, to hang out with like-minded friends at a club or just to even go for a darn coffee!

If more folks accepted who we are, then it wouldn't look like an addiction. There'd be no more secrecy and deceit. It would then be just another lifestyle.

Just my two discontinued pennies,

xo Barb

Beginning to think it may be an addiction. Since I came out to my wife I dress most mornings and sometimes underdress during the day.  Ran to the store in sweats with thong underneath and a big padded bra covered by a down vest.  Didnt give it a second thought.  Lately planning my days around when I can slip back into panties and such.  Yesterday tried base coat on nails for the first time.  Seems all I can think about is how to become a better stephanie