It's so nice to share

Neither myself nor SO share with anyone just a deep closet secret 🤐 but dose sound wonderful to be able to open up to a close friend indeed probably weight off the shoulders 

Women who have 'Besties' is unique to females in knowing each others secrets. Unusually where any bit of gossip is shared within a group and beyond 'Besties' are able to keep secrets. I do not think  that males have the same even if they have known someone for years. 

When I was coming out it was with females and they were asked to keep it a secret which they did. However feeling that it may help me one asked if they could tell another colleague who I knew well and agreed. We weren't besties as such but could see they were itching to spread the news. The fact they asked first was kind and it did help progress things for me. 

However there was a dating partner I was with that I confided in as it looked the relationship was going somewhere. She was fine with it but there were considerations in the wider picture that made us decide to finish the relationship and she promised not to say anything. We remained friends and she saw me dressed for a coffee or lunch. On one meeting she was in a quandary, one of her 'Besties' who I knew very well and had been her friend for many moons had been badgering her for ages after the breakup as she knew there was something else. My friend was kind and asked me if I could tell her the real reason as they shared everything and felt guilty not confiding. I agreed she should tell her to ease her conscience.

A short while later the friend contacted me and we met up with me dressed and she told me she knew there was something although a bit surprised at the reason, but vowed to keep the secret, which she did. 

Hi Laura, Yup, my wife and I have special friends that are familiar with my life as an out and open intersex person.  It wasn't always like that and in the early years of me trying to understand myself I mostly hid and hoped nobody would comment or call me out (like yelling out "who let the little kid into the men's swimming showers"  which did happen before my breasts got really big and I just stopped going altogether).  Originally, only I had some special friends (both male and female) that I shared information with.  My wife was much more private and protective about my situation but ultimately told all her friends and family.  My wife's biggest concern originally seemed to come from some embarrassment or stigmatization and some worry as to whether I might actually be hurt physically if my situation was public.  Most people that she told took it well, especially when my wife who was now well versed in intersex conditions explained it to them (intersex folks do make up about 2% of the population and are as common as redheads).  Some people however just turned off and it was not a matter that they ever wanted to hear about or discuss ever again (their loss).  In the end, it's actually worked out well, with my wife being a great ally and helping me to prepare for the intersex presentations that I make around the country.  Still, there are changes in our life  routines that now require some adjustments, like on laundry day when all the laundry for 2 people consists of only women's clothes.  You can read more about this if you read my profile.  I hope that this helps you and I applaud your courage and foresight to reach out and try to learn as much as possible as opposed to a knee jerk divorce.  You must truly be in love.  Hugs to both of you,  Marg

My wife does not want anyone to know and does not allow me to be dressed out of the house or in her presence with a couple of exceptions like a cute apron when I cook sometimes.  It does make it hard not being able to make friends in person with people who would understand and support.  I am having lunch with one of my friends from CDH this coming week.  She is the only person I have met in person that knows about me and it is really great to have a friend I can open up with.  I just wish that we could have lunch dressed instead of drab.

If you don't offer the option to your friend then I bet she will want that to happen, I know I would.

I have one close friend that knows about Abby. She is GG lady and we have been friends with her and her late husband for 40 years. She found out about Abby quite by accident and I and came clean with her. Since then, she is someone to dine out with and go shopping and other girl things. I share so much with her when we get together

Your post today made me realize that maybe I have placed a unfair burden on her with no one she can share with. Afterall, I do have the ladies here at CDH to chat with. I will need to bring this up the next time we get together.

Thank you

First girlfriend I told cried. That was the end of that relationship. Another girlfriend said a guy in pantyhose was hot. After I put some on she said she meant a guy other than her boyfriend. Third girl really liked it but she wanted to use it as a power ploy and was a little deceptive it turned out. I shared with a male friend who hinted that he dressed. We dressed together once and after that I dressed for him, not with him. 

Hi Laura 

This must have been such a relief that you could be fully open with such a close and important friend in your life. To not tell her would have been tantamount to relegating her to lower ranks in your friendship circle.

I have read carefully all the responses so far, and there seems (perhaps I am mistaken) to be ongoing pressure with everyone to ‘share wider’ ‘just this one extra person’, and always with very understandable justifiable rationale. Like everyone has to have a justification and know the full facts. Do they? Or is it our business. I think it’s the latter.

I know that you are only a few weeks/months in, and, like we amabs are on our journey, you as a now-aware gg are on yours too. It’s a process, and in practice all that means is your mind is being tasked with occasionally floods of new questions to which you haven’t yet got a workable answer to.

I came here for a few reasons which I shared in my The Other Woman post I think, but the two main reasons were to a) understand to what extent my journey was undeniable and if so, what it might entail, and b) to try and process the impact on my GLW (I call her my good lady wife) - our marriage has been on a brink for some years now (in truth, it was on the brink before we got married) and I know that if it fails, it will be 25-45% because of my CD life, but at least 55% because of other non-CD issues. A lot to process, but process it I will.

What I really wanted to say here is that if possible, the target for me at least is to reach the point when, ‘yes, I am, and so?’ So we can concentrate on all the other 55% of life-stuff. The CD life would then become an acceptance, negotiated, boundaries agreed and observed, but banked, relieving us both from the sometimes soul-draining constant self questioning, self doubting, what-will-the-neighbours-say type worries. There are a million things worse than being a dresser. So in a sense, we must all hold our head up high. And get on with life, other life, kids, their lives etc etc etc.

But it takes time, and the questions and what-ifs keep coming. And sometimes it can be a burden. But that is the heaven sent value of CDH, we are all on the same cruise liner journey, all in different cabins etc etc. Vanessa no doubt had this sharing and support mechanism amongst her top goals, and it is so coming into being. We all help each other. Simples.

I probably should have put this in a PM to you, but there is greater value in having the debate out here I think.

Caring thoughts for you both.

Valentina

💚

I am fortunate in that I can be myself with all of my friends & acquaintances, they all know me now as Fiona. Their reactions have been fine so far with the females exhibiting a higher level of understanding and acceptance than the males. The reception by the males has been fine but the females have a deeper understanding of our desire to emulate them. 

i have a friend that i took out for his first time in public as a cd. he loved it and we can go out and talk about everything. i know his secret and he knows mine. 

@bellaz76 I very nearly ache wanting to tell my friends. They've seen my glittery red toes, my long red fingernails, but...in the end I tell myself that I have no way of knowing which of my friends would find this information burdensome. Therefore, sharing that with them might put them off slightly, feeling that they have to talk about it or that I'll talk about it, or worse still show up one day dolled up. They're my friends, and I wouldn't want to take that chance with our friendship.

I have my core group of CD friends and we've most of us seen each other in guy mode, though I admit that isn't the same thing, but, hey, if wishes were horses...

I know for sure that some of my GFs friends back in Minneapolis know - because I've been out with them dolled up. However, I don't think my GF talks about it at all with anyone. Not because she's afraid to or embarrassed, just because she simply thinks it's a private thing.