just how complex can a psych-out be?

I always thought ayahuasca might be interesting! I have come to the realization that I am woman inside and I accept that. Was I born that way? Was is something in my early nurturing? Past life? I will never know. Acceptance has been my savior. It is how I am and will always be. It is how I was as long as I can remember. I tried for a very long time to match the outside. It felt like I was living as a fraud. Getting to really know who your are is a very enlightening. We carry around so many layers of false beliefs and assumptions about ourselves. Most people will never know their real self (not even talking about gender). Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I am transgender. What will my transition look like? That is what I am pondering today.

I am both curious and amused. You've taken Aoife as a name. Do you know the mythological story of Aoife / Aife ? Life holds many challenges.

not specifically. i guess i will have to look that up.

That's the big thing I wonder about. How would acceptance feel? In some ways I have even thought to myself "I am trans," but then I think if I really were, then I wouldn't be able to accept being a man all the time and feel as comfortable as a do as such most of the time. I don't think it's right to even see myself as such if that's not really me. At the same time, it may just be another easy answer keeping me from real self-improvement. Regardless, I don't have the en femme experience to really know my own comfort level as a woman. I do know the pangs of envy every time I see a transwoman, but I really can't relate to the reality in which she must live.

It's a question that has a different answer for each of us. Just as we each are on a different journey with different destinations, yet we each share so much in common. I can say that I believe that our minds have enormous power over us. They say perception is reality, and it's surely true. I can Akari say that for most of my life I asked the question who am I? I can go back and read that question so many times in my journal entries. I never knew the answer either. I couldn't understand why I didn't quite fit into the puzzle, why I never felt completely comfortable in my skin. But now here I am and finally I am comfortable. What's my definition? Which word fits? I don't care what word, I'm me. I am trans, but not going to transition. I am not one or the other. I am in between. I fit here in the space between. I now believe in me. I now have a voice. I will be seen. Most days I present as Wil, some days as Bridgette, always me. Maybe us? I dunno, and don't care. You'll find you. I believe in you, too.

Bridgette

that's definitely where i feel this is all going. there have been plenty of times i have thought - and even said out loud, to myself "i am a trans woman," but it's hard to imagine ever transitioning. not only for all the sacrifices i don't think would be worth it, but for plenty of the most basic reasons like sexual function. really i just want to have a conclusion, but although you won't hear it much in trans circles, you can't do everything in just one lifetime.

Acceptance is the key to all. I drove myself crazy for nearly 30 years trying to figure out where I fit in and trying to conform to societies beliefs to the point I as looking in a mirror, dressed, crying and with a gun in my hand. That was the day I accepted me, Heather, the real me. Life has been so much better since then, inner peace is a sanctuary to it's self.

I feel that so much Aoife. I'm still pretty sure I am not really trans... but I hate not being 100% sure. I do still have something of an attachment to my masculinity, and I hate not knowing how genuine that is, or if it's just desperation and internalized fear. It does feel very real at times. But so does Ashley. I know there are a lot of trans stories that start with feelings just like I'm having now, and a lot of trans people who spent a lot of time not fully realizing they were trans. I think about it sometimes and tell myself transitioning would not satisfy anything real for me, but how can I know for sure? Ashley time for me is rarely at all emotional, almost always just a bit of a relatively superficial thrill. But I've had these feelings for a very long time, since before I even knew what sex was, so what do they really mean?

Experiencing both ends of the gender spectrum seems like what I want sometimes when I really think about it, but does anyone get to do that? That thought just feels incredibly selfish sometimes... it seems like this life requires something of a commitment either way. Or is it just society saying that? I've had some blue fog recently, to the point where I had to tell myself pretty forcefully not to purge again. Sometimes it feels like spending time and money on Ashley is mutually exclusive to my other interests and aspects of my life... and I'm not even in a relationship!

So yeah, in other words, a psych-out can be pretty complex! and although the pink fog isn't back for me like is has been before... Ashley isn't going anywhere. that much I know I need to accept. weird and awkward as it may be.

Ashley, that's really the hard part isn't it? When you know it's never going to go away, but you never know what it it *really* means at all. Every time I speak of envy for "real" trans women someone reminds me of what a rough road that is, but I really can't help but wish I could find a conclusion like that.

I don't even know which direction I am being put into when someone - usually a transitioned woman says that most people don't feel the way we feel and that even asking questions like this means I would be happier if I transitioned. I just don't know if I can believe that! Is it really that unusual to think about being the opposite sex? As toxic masculinity gets more and more in the crosshairs, do we really want to believe all our discomfort in "male" roles must mean that we want to fit into the "female" one? It just doesn't make sense, I just want to know my truth and as much as it doesn't seem obvious now, I worry that some day far into the future I will be an out trans woman saying "I always knew."

I have the same worry sometimes, and it seems like if that's what I'm really worried about, then I should just stop worrying and try to accept it. But so far, all the steps I've taken to try to accept and embrace my female side have just led to more mixed feelings, which just compounds the reluctance to go further. It's just so confusing to deal with all these mixed feelings, especially when some of them don't necessarily cancel each other out. It would be so nice if I could just figure out a life where being female didn't cancel out being male lol.

I think our generation was one of the last ones brought up when there was still a strong current of traditional masculinity in society... do you think that has something to do with our mixed feelings? Although masculinity does have a toxic side to it, I don't happen to believe everything masculine is toxic, and that could be what's keeping me attached to my male self, the parts of being male I actually like. Completely rejecting all of that seems like an extreme and drastic move when I really think about it, even during pink fog. With you being a dad and a husband maybe you feel some of that sometimes too.

i really do think that. sometimes i goes so far as to think that i don't even want to be female, just not male in the way that i knew. it's a bit odd, because my dad wasn't that much of a traditional man, but with parents, each parent is only half the battle. my mom (who i would consider a really horrible person) has been with his polar opposite for a decade and a half and that guy is a person i would point to first as an example of toxic masculinity.

those social aspects are massive. in any social situation with people i've known for less than ten years i would always prefer to be "one of the girls" than one of the guys, even if i don't particularly like the women. frankly, i think my dislike for men goes well beyond what trans lesbians describe and sometimes i wonder if i were able to fully explore my femininity i would come to the conclusion i just don't like masculinity very much and lose my drive to go against my body and upbringing and be content in my less detestable kind of masculinity.

in the end, i would just prefer to know.