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It has been just over two months since I tentatively joined CDH as I searched for a peer support group.
After 30+ years of repressing my feminine side I finally realized that this battle was taking its toll on my mental health and the only logical course of action was to accept this part of me. In July I came out to my self and in August I came out to my wife.
My wife has been fantastic, understanding and supportive, but within limits. She is not ready to see me in full enfemme. I have also come out to my 23 year old son and his girlfriend.
Things are generally good, I can dress at home without having to worry about watching for someone coming home unexpectedly. They have seen me in feminine tops and with painted toes and had absolutely no reactions. Perfect!
I am an analytical person, so since starting on this path of self discovery I have been trying to understand why!!! Why do I feel this overwhelming need to dress as a woman? And the more I think about it, the more I read about the more questions I have. I had rationalised the need as a way to relax or escape the stress of work, or an attraction to the feel of the fabrics. I had pinpointed a traumatic loss of an important female figure in my early childhood, but the more I think about it the less these stories seem to hold water.
My current hypothesis is that I just am the way I am. I knew from an early age that I didn't quite fit my gender stereotype, but I have always been comfortable with my male body. As a kid I was free to choose whatever activities I wanted to peruse. I did a lot of the stereotypical boy stuff, building forts, riding bikes, fishing, but I also grew a flower garden, loved picking and arranging flowers, and was a keen cook. Personally I think it is wrong to look at these as gender specific activities, but that is how the world works. I decided at an early age that I would do what I like to do, not what I was expected to do.
However, that did not translate to dressing. I know I was attracted to clothes that the girls wore, I liked how they had their hair done, but I never had the courage to tell anyone that or ask to try it myself.
Now over 30 years later I am finally getting to grips with it. The trouble is I have 30 years of learning to do. I have enlisted the help of a style consultant to get me started. I want to avoid the "Buy anything that feels good" phase and try to refine my style so I can respect the female in me and maintain respect for that man I still am.
I still have a way to go.
I have yet to have a makeover or go out dressed in public. I would dearly like to meet others like me to talk about this CD thing we do.
CDH and the many members who have responded to my questions has been massively helpful and I am so grateful for that. I hope prepare some articles to share my story/journey to pay it forward and help others that are embarking on similar journeys.
Thanks,
DeLora.
Hi Hon,
I wore my first dress when I was 5 years old because I believed I was a girl and it felt good. Since then I x-dressed almost all of my life taking one 20 year break, and now I am back at 58 years old. Finally, aftef putting all the pieces together I now know that I have always felt that I was a girl in a boys body but as an adult, I couldn't admit that to myself until now. I listened to my parents bigoted attitudes towards crossdressers, I listened to the stereotype garbage that society tells us, and I rationalized that I didn't play with dolls so I couldn't be a girl. What you like or like to do does not define gender or why you dress up and I recommend you don't listen to the negative hype society tells us. Find a good Gender Therapist and begin working thru your feelings and stay with the positive support systems you have established. It is a very satisfying feeling once you understand yourself and why you do what you do.
There has also been some fascinating studies done on the human brain in transgender people you can look up on line.
Good Luck
Hi DeLora
Many of us, myself included, have backgrounds similar to yours. I didn't fit in, wondered if I was supposed to be a girl, then suppressed the whole thing for over 60 years.It re-surfaced about 3 years ago, but crept along slowly, until I found CDH, then myself a few short months ago. Since August, I've acquired a wardrobe (age appropriate), had a makeover and been out in public, and I just got my ears pierced. I have more lost time to make up than the average girl, but with a (mostly) supportive wife, I'm doing it..and it's a fun trip.
Hugs.
Bettylou
DeLora,
Not unusual at all for a CD to have an analytical-type of brain. Many CDs are in professions which require analytical thinking skills. I was a cryptologist in the Navy, working for NSA. In civilian life, I am an electronics engineer.
Why do we cross dress? If we knew the answer to that, we would be very wealthy. CDs have been asking that question for time immemorial, forever. Countless theories have been put forth, with no real factual answers.
My attitude? Above all, have fun being a girl! When I went completely out of the closet, it was the first time in my life that I felt like a whole complete person. Peggy Sue is not a separate personality. She is an extension of my personality.
Hugs,
XX
Peggy Sue
Delora, good luck with your progress and all the new experiences you will have. Maybe we aren't meant to understand the 'why' of how we are, but just accept ourselves for who we are.
PaulaF
Hi Hon,
You may never come up with a reasonable answer for your crossdressing, especially if you continue to "analize" why you do it. Then again, you may, but I suggest you stop analizing it and simply accept that it'just part of your life. Be humble.
I believe that we incarnate into these physical bodies to experience life, and learn and develop from that experience. Everything you are, the time you were born, where you were born on the planet and the astrological sign you were born under defines your personality so that your lifes experiences best suit your need for education and development of your soul, the real you. Crossdressing, Transgenderism are challeges we must face and overcome or learn to live with it. We live inside this physical body while we experience life but what are we really, an energy being and energy goes on forever. I believe we reincarnate and live new lives to have new experiences and maybe, we lived previous lives as a female and ennjoyed that life more than this one.
I hope something I said helps you and if you like you can PM me and I can explain much, much more.
Hugs, Breanna
And, you must simply have faith that your higher power knows what you need to learn in this lifetime. Possibly, you need to learn to be humble and stop analizing everything, learning to accept that there are things in life we cannot figure out.
