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I’ve come to understand as I grow older that I seem to exist in a subconscious state. My thoughts happen somewhere else, outside the front part of my mind that is ‘visible’ and I’m aware of. I feel as if I’ve lived in a perpetual fog. I’ve often labelled myself as stupid (actually a ditz), but objectively I don’t think I’m particularly unintelligent. I often just arrive at things in a way that I can’t explain, as if there was no process. My mother was very much the same. She was a talented astrologer, but never in her life could she calculate a chart, she had to get my father to do it for her. I know she felt the same lack of confidence and frustration that I’ve always felt as well.
I quit school when I was just thirteen and never went back (much later I did train in culinary arts). I clearly had a learning ‘difference’ that wouldn’t necessarily have been picked up on then (I was just a ‘difficult’ kid). In a way I’m glad it wasn’t. I don’t have a ‘problem’ that requires ‘fixing’ whether it’s my difficulty in rational thought or my gender. However I’m unsure how, or if, the two things are related.
Does anybody have any thoughts?
Thanks
Madeleine